Lost, Confused, Unkind Sequel To Freaked
by paper-cut2
Summary: Incomplete dont bother reading as I have no inspiration to continue this just yet! Sorry!)
1. Chapter 1

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel to "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 1  
  
When I pick up this story Matt & I had been together for a little over 3 months & to say everything had been peachy would be a lie! I was finding it hard to be with him after everything that had appened and it drove me crazy! I loved him & I wanted us to be together but no matter how hard I tried everytime we got intimate I had flashbacks of what Mick had done to me. Life was so unfair! Here I was finally with the man of my dreams yet not able to fully 'be' with him at all! It made me so angry that Mick had done this to me! Not only had he physically abused me but he'd gotten into my head & managed to ruin the entire rest of my life as far as I could see! he was thousands of miles away rotting in jail & yet he hadnt left me at all, he was still there! Everytime I turned out the light, everytime I closed my eyes & everytime I looked into the mirror & saw the gradually fading scar above my eye that was hardly noticable to anyone but I saw it! I remembered the pain that ripped through my head when he'd hit me there, the memories were twice as painful as the actual event. At that point in my life I felt like it would never go away!  
I didn't tell anyone how I felt, not even Matt! I just got up every morning & tried to deal with it the best way I could. I went about getting on with my life the best I could. But it terrified me that it would never end, maybe my 'brave face' wouldn't last forever?  
Matt, as ever, was very understanding when it came to the sexual part of our relationship. He kept saying, "Give it time!" and another classic was "You've been through a lot!" But in the back of my mind I always wondered just how much time I had with a guy like Matt! How much longer before he gave into the temptation of a georgeous young fan & forgot I even existed? It could happen.........and I couldn't blame him for it either! Who knew, maybe it already had?  
Eventually (and secretly) I went to see a councillor. "Tell me about your life!" she'd say, "We need to tackle the problem at the source!" She'd cheerfully remark! Oh yeah of course, how stupid of me! Coucillors fix everything, they mend broken marriages, cure addictions & illnesses, they speak & the world is put to rights!!!! WRONG!! All she did was anoy me! I sat in her office one day & realised I was paying this woman by the hour to piss me off! No thanks! I had 3 sessions & never went back! I could piss myself off for free!!  
I had a letter from Mick's sister once. She'd speant 47 pence on a postage stamp just to tell me what a slut I was! I actually found it funny that she'd even been bothered to write it all down & post it to me! Then again Maggie always had been a pathetic whining bitch! I threw the letter in the fire & I hadn't even thought about it since, until now! At the time I had more important things to worry about than the immature sister of a pshychopath!  
I was back to looking after the children as I said at the end of my last story. Truth be told they kept me sane! I loved my job & I Loved those kids like they were my family! So, I wa slightly upset when the Jamesons announced they were going away to Europe for 4 weeks & taking the kids with them!! I'd be lost without them, I knew I would! Mr & Mrs J offered to pay for me to go home while they were away, but the thought of being that close to Mick made me sick to my stomach! I didnt even want to be in the same country as him! The thought of being without the kids scared me, because if I didnt have them to keep me occupied, God knows where my mind would wander to. The day they left I cried. 


	2. Chapter 2

Lost, Confused, Unkind, (Sequel to "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 2  
For 3 days I was on my own. Sure I had Mary to keep me company but even she had places to go & people to see while she had the freedom to do so! On the fourth day Matt came home & I'd never been happier to see anyone in my life! I didn't know he was comming home, there was a knock on the door, I opened it & there he was! I launched myself at him almost knocking him to the ground as I wrapped my legs around his waist & my arms around his neck!  
"MAAAAAT!" I screamed!  
"Woah! Talk about welcome home!" he laughed twirling me around! "I thought I'd surprise you!"  
"Oh you did that alright!" I said sliding to the ground. "Kiss me!"  
"Yes Ma'am!" Matt grinned & passionately kissed my lips. I could've melted there & then!!  
"Oh matt, you couldn't have come home at a better moment!"  
"I gathered that!" He smirked, "Miss me then?"  
"Like you'd never know Hardy!" I said, playfully prodding him in the ribs.  
"So are we going inside or are we planning on standing on the doorstep all day?" he grinned.  
We went inside & headed for the kitchen. "Coffee?" I asked.  
"Mmmmmm I'd rather have something else hot & sweet!" he said, putting his arms around my waist from behind & kissing my neck. I giggled. "But I guess coffee's fine for now!!"  
I made the drinks & we sat at the table & talked. I told him all about the uneventful 3 days I'd just had (which took all of 30 seconds) and Matt told me about the exciting life he'd been having with the WWE!  
"Wow!" I said when he'd finished. "Think Vince would give me a job?! I have a pretty mean left hook!" I laughed & then sighed.  
"What's wrong hun?"he reached across the table & took hold of my hand.  
"Ahh nothin'.....just...well its nothin!"  
"looks like somethin' to me! You missin the kids?"  
"Yeah that's what it is! At least my life was slightly more interesting when they were around! Y'know, sometimes on a good day I got to clean up vomit!! How cool is that!?" I said sarcastically & stood up, taking my cup to the sink.   
"OK Spill it! What have I done?"  
"Nothing Matt! I'm sorry it's just me!" I sighed, "Mat it's just........" I paused, ".......Well what do you see in me?!"  
"What sort of a question is that?!" he asked, surprised.  
"It's just a question!"  
"Ok well.....you're kind, fun to be with, sexy, gorgeous..." he grinned, "Want me to continue?"  
"Yeah well you could also add plain, dowdy, boring & even miserable to that list!!  
He stood up & came over to me, turned me around & lifted my chin up so I was looking into those gorgeous eyes!  
"What's brought all this on?"  
"Well I'm sitting here listening to you, to your stories of travelling to New York, to Minnisota, to Texas....how you've done this & done that and I've done nothing Matt! I get up I read books, drink tea & go to bed!! I dont understand why you even bother to come home to me!!"  
"Bec! Don't be silly! I come back because I love.......erm to be with you! We have fun! We're great together you & me!"  
"Matt we dont even....well..I can't even...."  
"Sshhhhhh!" He pressed a finger to my lips, "I've told you that doesnt matter!"   
"But it matters to me!" I choked back my tears, "Im....Im not stupid Matt!"  
"I never said you were stupid! Come on where has all this come from?!"  
"You have your......your needs!" Matt burst out laughing, "Dont laugh at me matt! Im trying to say that you have all these gorgeous women throwing themselves at your feet.....I dont expect you to refuse them forever, to come home & get the cold shoulder for a plain old boring nanny!"  
Matt put his hand to his mouth to curb his laughter, "Bec you are something else you know that?" He shook his head, "90% of these gorgeous girls throwing themselves at my feet range from about 12 to 16 years of age! And the other 10% have been through 3 truck drivers & the guy who sells the t-shirts!!" He pulled me close to him & kissed my lips, "As for my erm....needs! Well I can wait Bec it's no big deal!" He grinned, "And until then I have two perfectly good hands....."  
"MATT!" I slapped his shoulder.   
"What?!" he grinned again.  
"Too much information!" I laughed.  
"That's better, a smile!" He kissed me again.   
"Yeah Im sorry! It's just sometimes I feel so damn ordinary & normal!!"   
"Missy you're extra ordinary in my eyes....and certainly not normal!!" he went crosseyed & stuck his tongue out of the corner of his mouth! I giggled. "So come on then where are we going tonight?"  
"I dont mind!"  
"Ok I figured we'd stay in, get a pizza....rent a movie and.."  
"Dont you dare!!" I laughed, "I want out of here matey, you want a movie & pizza night you're on your own!!" 


	3. Chapter 3

Lost, Confused, Unkind  
  
chapter 3  
  
That night we went out for dinner and then on to a club. I had the best time I'd had in ages dancing & drinking & I totally forgot how boring life was! Truth be known it was only boring when matt wasn't around! When he was home I had the time of my life! I'd never known anyone like Matt & I was so glad fate had decided to give me the job in America! I'd been interviewed for 4 jobs, one in Ohio, one in New Jersey, one in South Carolina & the one I eventually took in Cameron. Had I gotten any other of the jobs I'd gone for I would never have met this amazing person & every morning when i woke up I realised just how lucky I was! I'd been offered the job in New Jersey aswell & to this day I have no idea why I chose to go to Cameron! I'd never even heard of the place before but something told me it would be the right choice, thank God for intuition!  
After the club we went back to Matt's house, slightly worse for ware & managed to wake up Jeff & their dad, Gilbert , when we crashed into the kitchen!!  
"What time is it?" Said Jeff, yawning & scratching his head as he shuffled into the kitchen!  
"When did you get back bro?"  
"Tell me what time it is & I'll tell you how long I've been in bed!"  
"It's 2:30am," I said sheepishly, "Sorry we woke you!"  
"Oh hi Bec!" He yawned again, "Well that means I've been home about an hour & a half & been in bed for about 50   
minutes!" he rubbed his face & sat down at the table.  
"Oh shit! Sorry man! I didn't think we were that loud!"  
"Loud enough to wake Dad!" Jeff said, raising his eyebrows. "Shit! We woke Dad?!"  
"Yep! He opened his bedroom door & said tell that idiot brother of yours to stop banging around like an elephant at this hour!" Jeff sniggered!  
"Whoops! Dad isn't the best person to cross when he hasn't had his sleep!"  
"Oh well maybe I should get a cab & go home then?"  
"Don't worry about it!" Jeff said through another yawn, "He'll be back asleep by now anyway! Matt make me a coffee you ass!"  
Matt laughed & made us all a coffee, spilling most of it from the cups as he handed it to us! We decided to sit in the living room as Gilberts bedroom was directly above the kitchen & we didn't want to risk waking him again! There was a strange hump underneath a douvet on the sofa that Matt was too drunk to notice & proceeded to sit on it!  
"OOOUCH!!"  
Matt jumped up, "What the fuck.........?"  
"SSHHHHHH!" Jeff snapped, "I swear dad will nail your balls to the wall if you wake him up again!" A face peered from beneath the douvet.  
"Your ass is getting fatter Hardy!"  
"SHANE!" Matt threw back the quilt to reveal a half naked guy on the sofa. "Shane My man!!!"  
"SSSHHHH!" Jeff hissed.   
"Hey Matt what's up?" Shane grunted & rubbed his eyes.  
"What are you doing here man?!" Matt pushed Shane's legs out of the way & sat down. Shane took the cup of coffee from Matt's hand & took a gulp.  
"Your brother kindly offered me your couch for the night as I lost my damn keys somewhere & don't wanna wake my folks up at this time of night!"  
"Oh right! Didn't want mommy to spank your botty!!" Matt laughed & hiccuped.   
"Matt are you drunk man?!"  
"No I'm perfectleeeeey sober thankyou!" "Yeah right!" Shane smiled, "You smell like a frigging brewery!"  
"Anyway…" Jeff butted in, "Shane I don't think you've met Bec!" He smiled, "Bec this is our dear friend Mr Helms & shitbrain this is Matt's erm….this is 'our' friend Bec!"  
I stood up & shook Shane's hand. "Nice to meet….aahhh now I recognize you!" I smiled, "You look different without the mask!"  
Shane laughed & shook my hand. "You mean he looks better with the mask on!" Matt sniggered.  
"Pay no attention to these nancyboys Bec!" Shane winked, "It's all jealousy cause the chicks really dig the mask!" Matt & Jeff moaned & laughed, "So you're Matt's girlfriend right?" I thought about it & didn't really know how to reply! Sure I guess I did consider myself to be his girlfriend but we'd never talked about it - Hell I didn't even know how Matt felt about me really! I guess I never really knew much when it came to Matt & that was probably one of the things that attracted me to him….unpredictability! I just smiled.  
"Yeah she is!" Matt smiled at me & my stomach flipped!! "So keep your filthy paws off superhero!" Matt nudged Shane in the ribs. "Watch him Bec he is such a slut!"  
"You are so jealous!!" Shane replied & we all laughed.  
"Come on you!" Matt said & steadied himself on the back of the couch, he was drunker than I thought! I said goodnight to Shane & Jeff & followed Matt upstairs to his room trying very hard not to make any noise!! I'd had more to drink than I'd intended to but still I wasn't as bad as Matt! When I got into his room he sprawled on his back on the bed. I crawled on top of him & kissed him on the lips.   
"Matt?" I whispered. "Hmm?" he mumbled half asleep.   
"I love you!"  
"Prove it!" He grinned still keeping his eyes closed.   
"Fuck off!" I laughed.  
"Take my boots off!!"  
I rolled my eyes, "Asshole!!" I giggled. 


	4. Chapter 4

Lost, Confused, Unkind  
  
Chapter 4  
  
When I opened my eyes it was dark & I had no idea what time it was. I was under the douvet wearing just my underwear & I was freezing! I rolled over & snuggled up to the naked body lying next to me smiling to myself, but when I looked up I screamed! The person next to me wasn't Matt, it was Mick! Suddenly he had hold of my wrists & no matter how hard I struggled I couldn't get free!  
"Hey! Hey! Shhhhh!" Suddenly I stopped panicking & looked at the person restraining me, it WAS Matt! I'd had another nightmare! I was gasping for air & my hair was in my face, "It's me! Hey! Come on Bec! It's ok!" Matt whispered.   
"Matt!" I gasped & relaxed a little. "Matt!" I said again still a bit dazed & confused. "Jesus!"  
"Another nightmare?" He said, relaxing his grip. I nodded & my head hurt!  
"What time is it?"  
Matt looked at his watch, "6am! It's getting light already!" he said looking to the window. As he turned I saw a trickle of blood running down his cheek. I touched it with my finger & then Matt did the same as he didn't know it was there.  
"Jesus did I…?"  
"It's just a scratch!" He said. As he lay down & pulled me beside him.  
"This is never going to end Matt!"  
"Shhhh! It will! Just give it time!"  
"How much time?" I whispered, more to myself than to him! "What if it's going to stay like this forever?"  
"It'll be ok!" He said, squeezing me tightly & kissing my cheek. "You'll see, it'll be fine!"  
"Can you wait forever Matt?" He didn't answer me, "Matt?"  
"If that's what it takes!"  
I sighed, "I love you matt!" I said quietly.  
"Yeah I know you do babe! Now go back to sleep! It's ok now!"  
I leaned towards him & kissed him deeply, my tongue caressing the inside of his mouth. He still turned me on so much, it wasn't fair that I had to have this stupid mental block! I knew Matt would never hurt me, so this was just ridiculous! He responded to my kiss with his tongue & he pulled me tightly up against him, grabbing my ass & pushing me against his erection. I wanted him so badly, maybe it would happen this time? I concentrated on his body, running my hands over his hard chest & huge muscular arms. He undid the clasp on my bra & pulled it down over my arms, throwing it onto the floor. His hand gently cupped my breast & he squeezed it slightly, pinching my nipple & I gasped!  
"You ok?" he whispered, looking concerned. I nodded & pulled his head towards me, kissing him hard. He moaned when my hand found his ass & squeezed it so that he was pressed against me even harder. He kissed my neck lightly & then roughly nibbled on my shoulder giving me goose bumps all over my body. He moved down & his tongue circled my nipple as he squeezed my breast, I could barely breathe! He moved further down, kissing my body all over & I shivered with excitement! His tongue circled my belly button & then he ran it around the rim of my panties & I pulled him back up to face me.  
"I'm sorry!" He whispered, almost panting.  
"It's ok!" I said & kissed him hard. Somehow I had to get through this barrier before it killed us both! His fingers gently caressed my body & then slipped into my panties & I moaned. I reached down & took his erection in my hand, moving it up & down. His breathing grew heavier as he lay his head back on the pillow. I forgot about everything as he pushed his fingers inside of me moving them rhythmically at the same time as my own hand. I arched my back & looked at his face, he was completely lost to me now! Seeing him like that turned me on even more & I was close to climaxing, something I hadn't done since he'd made love to me all those months ago. Suddenly his whole body tensed up & he moaned as I felt my hand get wet! About 5 seconds after, I cried out & Matt quickly put his mouth on mine to stifle the noise as I climaxed. 


	5. Chapter 5

Lost, Confused, Unkind, (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 5  
  
For about 10 minutes we lay in silence in each others arms. I sniffed as a tear rolled down my cheek, I was so happy yet frustrated at the same time! Yes I'd gotten through some of this damn mental block but I had to make that final push & let him make love to me, I wanted that more than anything. Matt squeezed me tightly to his chest & stoked my hair.  
"Wow! I wasn't expecting that!"  
"Me either believe me! I wiped my face on the back of my hand, "I'm sorry that....."  
"Hey don't be sorry! " He lifted my chin so I was face to face with him, "One step at a time ok? I told you everything would be fine didn't I?" he smiled & kissed my forehead. Just then his cell phone rang.  
"Hello?..........Oh Hi Shane!..........What? Really?..........When?........Today?.........Ah right I see!.....Does it have to be today?.......yeah I guess so!.........OK where do I have to be?" my stomach churned! At first I thought it was the Shane I'd met the night before but as soon as Matt asked where he'd have to be I knew it was Shane McMahon! It wouldn't be the first time Matt had been called back to work! Matt was going away again & today by the sounds of things! I sat up & made to get out of bed but he grabbed my arm & gave me a concerned look! I just looked away, I was devastated!  
"OK let me get a pen you can give me directions!" Matt rumaged in the drawer of his bedside cabinet & pulled out a note pad & a pen. Putting the reciever under his chin he started to frantically jot down the directions that Shane was giving him. I sat on the edge of the bed & grabbed the first thing I found on the floor (which happened to be Matt's shirt), & I pulled it on. I had to choke back my tears, I couldn't believe this was happening, not now!! Matt was muttering something on the phone but I didn't hear him I just wanted to scream! Quite frankly I felt like grabbing the phone off him & telling Shane McMahon to kiss my ass!!! I snapped back to reality when I felt Matt reach over & rub my back!  
"Yeah if that's gonna be ok with you!.........Great!.........Thanks Shane! Yeah it is actually!!.......No you haven't met!.......I will!.......No problem boss! See you there!" he hung up.  
"Babe?"  
"What?"  
"I have to get ready & go back to work now!"  
"Oh."  
"Yeah seems Brock get injured & Im needed for a match for Smackdown tonight!"  
"Can't someone else do it?"  
"Everyone is already either booked, injured or away in Japan right now so I'm their last resort!" Matt laughed, "Babe I have to go or they'd have to rearrange the entire show!"  
Oh...........Ok then!" I still didn't turn around, I was afraid he would see the tears in my eyes & realise how pathetic I was! "Where are you going this time then?"  
"Not far, just south!"  
"Carolina?"  
"Yep! Ever been?"  
"Matt I haven't been anywhere!"  
"Only Shane was asking if I might like to take someone along with me since it's such short notice an..."  
"You're kidding me??!!" I whirled around quickly to face him, "Seriously??!"  
"Well I was thinkin' maybe Jeff might wanna come along! Y'know catch up with the old Smackdown gang?!"  
"MATT!" I playfully smacked his arm!  
"Ok ok! You wanna tag along?"  
"Oh I'd love to!!!" I beamed & threw my arms around his neck!! "God I was so gutted! I thought you were leaving me again already!!"   
"Would you have cared all that much?"  
"I think I would have cracked up!!" I giggled.  
"Come on then! You need to go home & pack!"  
"Pack for how long?"  
"Erm...what's say we just go with the gang for a while?"  
"Are you kidding me??!!"  
"How long have you got?"  
"3 weeks before the J's are back!"  
"Well how about you pack for 3 weeks then?"  
"OH MY GOD!!!!" I screamed & jumped on him, knocking him back on the bed!  
"Don't get too excited! You might get sick of us after 3 days never mind 3 weeks!!"  
"Oh I doubt that very much!" I bent down & kissed him, still sitting astride his naked body when Jeff walked in!  
"WOAAAH! SHIT!" he turned away & covered his eyes, "Sorry! I forgot Bec was here! Shit!" I giggled & Jeff went slightly red! "Shane O was tryin to get in touch with you! He says its urgent!"  
"Yeah he called my cell! I have to go back to work!"  
"Oh right! Well....erm......sorry for interrupting!" As he left I shouted   
"Oh Jeff!" he stopped but still didn't turn around!! "Nice boxers man!!" I laughed! Jeff left very quickly!! 


	6. Chapter 6

Lost, Confused, Unkind, (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 6  
  
Before I knew where I was, I was standing in a huge arena! It was empty apart from a 20 or so guys running light checks & testing microphones. Looking up at the thousands of empty seats it was overwhelming to think that in a few hours they would be a person in everyone of them!!  
"Come on! I'll have to find my locker room & dump my stuff!" Matt said, snapping me back to reality when he tapped me on the shoulder!  
We walked down a long corridor bustling with people all saying hello to Matt as they passed! Finally Matt found the door he was looking for & we went inside a small room away from all the mayhem! He dumped his bag on the bench & smiled. "Home away from home!"  
"It's erm....very nice!" I smiled.  
"No it isn't!" Matt laughed as he rummaged in his bag. "So what do you think to my exciting life so far?" He sniggered.  
"Very hectic! Not like I imagined at all really!" he smiled & nodded his head. "It's still fun though!"  
"Yeah I guess it is! Mind if I leave you for 5 minutes while I take a shower?"  
"No go ahead! I'll be ok!"  
"Well here's a pass just incase anyone questions you being here! Put it around your neck!" He placed the pass that was attatched to a lace over my head & kissed me. "Now go for your life! Have a wander around...if you get lost just ask someone to come find me ok?"  
"Sure thing! I'll be ok! Go get your shower!" He kissed me one more time & then he went into the bathroom. I decided to be brave & venture out into the chaos!  
I wandered around for a while until; I finally found the main arena again! I sat in one of the empty seats & watched, fascinated as the stage appeared in front of my eyes in bits & pieces! It was amazing to see how it was all put together before the cameras were rolling! My thoughts were interrupted by a guy shouting into his cell phone from behind me!  
"Well get it sorted out! I don't care how you do it, just make sure its done before 6pm ok?" he switched off his phone & sat down, sighing & putting his head in his hands.  
"Rough day?" I asked.  
He looked up "You guessed huh?" he rolled his eyes.  
"Hmm the sweat on your brow gave it away!  
He laughed and seemed to relax a little. "You work for us?"  
"What? Oh no! Can't you tell? I'm way to calm to be employed by the WWE!" I laughed & he did the same & nodded, "I'm here with matt hardy, just a guest!"  
"Matt's here?" I nodded. "Oh thank you god!!" He raised his hands to the sky & I giggled. "At least something is going right today!! He's al ife saver! Sorry I had to drag him back here at such short notice!"  
"Ah right! You must be Shane right?"  
"That's right!"  
"I finally get to meet the slave driver!" I laughed, "I'm matt's friend, Bec!" I held out my hand.  
"Nice to meet you Bec! And don't believe anything he's told you about me cause Im not that bad!!" he grinned. "So what do you do for a living?"  
"Oh I'm just a nanny! No biggie!"  
"Just a nanny|? Man from my experience with kids I'd say you have a tougher job than I do!!"  
"Naah! It's great!! I love kids!"  
"Really? Well when me & my wife have kids I'll be sure to look you up!" He grinned. "Yeah! You do that!"  
"HEY! That doesn't go there!!" he shouted at a bunch of guys with a part of the set! "Excuse me Bec I'll see you later!" He walked away, "WHO TOLD YOU TO PUT THAT THERE?" I heard him shout as he walked towards them!  
"Man is Shane flipping out again!?" Said a voice from behind me. "He'll have a heart attack before he's forty at this rate! Hi I'm Adam!"   
"Oh hi! Edge right?"  
"You got it!"  
"Well I like to watch Smackdown, one of my friends is a wrestler here!"  
"Cool! Is this your first show?" I've never seen you around here before?"  
"Yeah…..it's pretty awesome first hand!"  
"Ah you'll get used to it in time!" He smiled.  
"I'm Bec by the way!" I held out my hand & he shook it. "I'll have to come to live shows mor…." I was distracted when out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw someone I knew. I froze! But, it couldn't be….there was no way! I turned around slowly but there was no one there! I scanned the mass of people that were running around doing various jobs but I couldn't see anyone familiar. A chill passed through me.  
"Bec? Are you ok?"  
I shook myself back to reality, "Y…yes I'm erm…" my eyes scanned the arena agin.  
"Can I get you anything? Glass of water maybe or…."  
"NO no really I'm fine! I just thought I'd um….seen a ghost!" I forced a smile but I must have been as white as a sheet! "Erm….Adam can you help me find Matt please? I wouldn't know where to start!"  
"Sure thing!" He said, getting to his feet & offering his hand to pull me out of my seat. "So Matt is your friend huh?" I nodded, still frantically looking for the face I thought I'd seen. "ok well come on then let's go & find matt! 


	7. Chapter 7

Lost Confused Unkind  
Chapter 7  
  
Adam took me to the locker room where Matt was warming up with another guy. This guy was smaller than Matt with long blonde hair and I didn't regognise hm at all. They looked up as Adam held the door for me to go inside.  
"Hey! You had fu......what's wrong? What happened?" Matt came over to me with a concerned look on his face & I forced another smile.  
"Nothing! I'm fine!"  
"You look as white as a ghost!" Matt put his arm around me & led me to a bench.  
"She did go a little quiet!" Adam said from the doorway. Matt looked up.  
"Oh, hi Adam!" Adam raised a hand. "Why did you go quiet?"  
"Matt..." I put a hand to my head, "...For Gods sake I'm fine! I just....I dunno there was a lot of people and, look I'm ok stop fussing!!"  
"I'll erm...go get a drink! I'll catch ya later Matt!"  
"Oh right Shan, see you later!"  
"Yeah me too! I'll erm go with Shannon! You sure you ok now?"  
"Yes! Thankyou Adam!"  
"Ok nice meeting you!"  
"Yeah thanks for bringing her back here man!" Matt said, getting out of his seat to see Adam & Shannon to the door. When he closed it behind them & we were alone he knelt down infront of me. "What happened out there?"  
"Matt I already told you it's nothing!" I snapped, "And I don't appreciate you treating me like a mental patient!"  
"Hey! Woah!" Matt stood up, "What have I done?"  
I rubbed my temple, "Well you made me feel like some little kid infront of Adam & whoever that other guy is!"  
"Shannon....I didn't mean to be over protective! I was just worried when I saw the look on your face....you looked a little freaked that's all!"  
I sighed & stood up to face him, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to snap just lay off the big brother mode a little ok?" He nodded. "I appreciate you looking out for me, really I do, but I'm gonna be fine Matt! I'm a big girl & I can take care of myself y'know?"  
"I know I know!" He smiled & put his arms around my waist, "I just......" I looked at him sternly & he sighed, "Yeah ok! I'll lay off a little! I'm sorry!"  
He kissed me & I squeezed his ass! "Matt......what ARE you wearing?" I looked down at his baggy purple & gold pants & giggled, "My Nan had curtains like this in the seventies!!"  
Matt's jaw dropped & he clutched at his chest, "I MADE THESE PANTS!!!"   
I covered my mouth to stifle the giggle, "Ah.erm.........ok!"  
"Besides......how do you know they aren't MY Nana's curtains?!" He winked & grabbed me from behind! He wiped my legs out from under me with his left foot, turned me around & playfully pushed me face first into the mat that he & Shannon had been using earlier!! Then he sat on top of me & held both of my wrists behind my back in one of his huge hands & tickled me with the other!! I was laughing & screaming at the same time & trying to get free from his grip! I managed to get one of my arms free but I couldn't reach him to get him off me!  
"NO MORE!!" I screamed, "I'm sorry I insulted your pants!!"  
"Ah you will be young lady!!" Matt laughed & tickled me again.  
"MATT! PLEASE!!!!" I laughed, "I'm gonna pee myself!!"  
"Good! Then I'll make you wear these pants to go back to the hotel!!"  
"NOOOOOOO! Anything but those pants!!" I screamed & tried to wriggle free from under him but it was no use! "You're squashing me!!" I laughed.  
"Tap out!"  
"What?"  
"I said tap out!!"  
"Never!!"  
"Tap out & say 'I've Got Mattitude' As loud as you can or else I'm just gonna let you pee yourself!!"  
"No way you jerk!!"  
"Right.....!" he frantically tickled me until I couldn't take anymore! "Now say it!!"  
"I'm tapping out!!" I banged my hand on the mat!  
"What about the next part?"  
"Ok! Ok!" I giggled, "I've got Mattitude!" I was laughing so much my sides hurt!!  
"LOUDER!!"  
"I'VE GOT MATTITUDE!!!" I screamed & he stopped tickling me!  
"Dude I need to get me some sort of 'Ittude' if it makes chicks scream like that!!" It was Shannon!! "Shannitude!" he said, to no one in particuler, "Pretty cool that, "shannitude? Naaah..." he walked into the bathroom still muttering to himself!  
When he closed the door Matt & I burst out laughing & he sat up a little so I could roll onto my back underneath him.  
"Is he weird or is it just me?"  
"Shan? Ah he's just a little...um yeah he's weird!!" Matt laughed.  
"Ok get up I need to fix my hair! It's all over the place!"  
"Hmmm....I kinda like it like that!" Matt leaned down to kiss me.   
"I can't breath!" I laughed.   
"Ok is this any better?" He rolled & pulled me on top of him!  
"Ok smooth move buddy but I'm a mess....let me go fix my hair!!"  
"No! Not until you kiss me!" he grinned.  
I leaned down & kissed him deep, my tongue meeting his as he pulled me tightly to him. "Mmmm....Matt? I really need to pee!!"   
He sighed, "Go on then!"  
I scrambled to my feet just as Shannon came out of the bathroom.  
"Mooreittude?" He looked pleadingly at me!  
"Hmmm I liked Shannitude the best!!"  
He face brightened & he beamed at me! "For real?" I nodded & smiled, "Way to go!!" He held out his hand for a five so I smacked it before he headed for the door.  
"Hey Shan?"  
"Hmm?"  
"Give me ten & I'll meet you at the ring ok?"  
"Sure!......Oh and matt? Those pants dude......" shannon shook his head, "......Baaad idea!!" he left the room & I burst out laughing! 


	8. Chapter 8

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel to"Freaked"  
  
Chapter 8  
  
The show was fantastic, although Matt got a severe beating from a huge monster of a guy called Big Show! To actually be there, watching from ringside was a completely different atmosphere from sitting infront of the TV with a bowl of popcorn! The crowd for one thing blew me away! They sound loud on TV but to be a few feet away from them was deafening! I could feel the noise, it vibrated through my whole body making me put my hands to my ears!! I had to giggle when I realised what they were actually chanting throughout Matt's match - not only were there chants of 'Hardy Sucks!' but they also chanted 'We Want Jeff!' which made me laugh even though I didn't know how Matt would be handling it!!  
The fireworks were something else too! Huge towers of sparks & flames that boomed & crackled as they soared up to the celing!! The first ones I saw were when Kurt angle entered the arena through the huge gaping mouth of the Titan Tron & I almost leapt out of my seat it was so loud! The heat too was intense but only for a few seconds & it scared me to be so close! Even though I knew all of it was carefully controlled it was still too close for comfort for me & I headed for a seat further back, just incase!  
After the show there was as much activity as before hand & I was greatful to find Matt's locker room & close the door on all the mayhem!  
"Matt?!" I shouted.  
"In the shower! Won't be long!" he shouted from the bathroom so I sat down & waited. A few people poked their head around the door, just looked at me and closed it again! They were obviously looking for Matt and weren't even interested in me!! The door opened & a face peered inside that made me catch my breath slightly!!  
"Oh hi! Is Matt around?"  
"N....no!" I stammered.  
"Ah ok!" He smiled, "I'll catch up with him later!"  
"Erm...yeah sure!"  
"See ya!" he winked & left!  
I leaned my head against the wall behind me & smiled like a little girl!  
"What are you so happy about?!" Matt said comming out of the bathroom wearing only a towel!  
I giggled, "Matt! You never guess who just came in here looking for you!!?" I beamed & sat forward enthusiatically.  
"Erm.....let me see......Oh Brad Pitt said he'd stop by....but no wait......I've got it! It was J'Lo hoping to sit that fine booty of hers down on my sweaty bench!!"  
"Jerk!" I sat back again deflated by his sarcasm.  
"I'm sorry!" He laughed and grabbed another towel to dry his hair, "Go on who was it?"  
"OH...only The Rock!! But I guess that's not so exciting round here! Sorry I forgot!" I said folding my arms over my chest & pulling a face at him.  
Matt laughed, "Ok !Ok I'm sorry to rain on your parade!!" he sat down next to me & kissed my cheek.  
"EW! You're still wet!" I pushed him away. "Hey listen do you think I'll look too pathetic if I go after him for an autograph for my lil' bro?"  
"Of course you wouldn't!" He smiled, "You tell him you're with me it'll be cool! Hey maybe you could take this!" He rummaged in his bag & pulled out a small camcorder!  
"You think?!"  
"Yeah sure! Just keep your pass visable! I don't want some dip-shit security guard taking my camera!!" he handed me the camcorder.  
"Awesome!!" I said & switched it on & pointed it at him.  
"Woah! Let me get some clothes on!!" He put his hand up to the lense.  
"Oh since when did you become all camera shy?!" I laughed & switched it off. "OK I'm gonna go see who I can catch on Camera for Jake!! Won't be long!!" I kissed him.  
"Don't worry! I won't leave without you!"  
I went out of the locker room & into the hallway & immediately put the camera up to my eye & switched it on! I decided to do a little commentary for Jake!  
"Ok Jake, here we are in South Carolina after a Smackdown taping! Right now I'm in the hall, looking for anything exciting to film for you so bare with me & I hope this doesn't get too boring!! I started to walk along the corridor still filming the hustle & bustle of people going back & forth.  
"Oh! Oh! Oh! Wait a minute I see someone! Could it be......." I took a few more steps & aimed my camera at a bunch of guys discussing something that was obviously very funny! "Yeah I think we have a superstar in our midst Jake! Rey Mysterio!!" He was still in his ring attire, obviously just finished his match. He looked up when he heard his name mentioned & when he saw the camera he waved. "Hi Rey!!" I smiled.   
"Hello there!" he waved again!  
I turned the corner, "Nice guy! Considering I've never met him before!" I said to Jake! I carried on towards the arena, scanning all the passing faces looking for someone I recognised. "Oh wait!" I turned the camera back & came face to face with Adam! "Wehey! Jake I'd like you to meet Adam!"  
Adam grinned & came right up to the camera sticking his tongue out & I laughed! "Helloooooo!" He smiled again, "Who am I talking to?"  
"Oh Edge this is my little brother Jake!!" I laughed.   
"Hi Jake!!" He stepped back and waved. "Come here!" he said, and took the camera from me & pulled me in beside hi. He held up the camera so we were both in the shot! "Just so he believes you! I bet he's a cheeky monkey!" he said in his best British accent & I cracked up laughing! He pressed his head against mine.  
"Hey Jake! Look its real!!" I laughed. I took the camera back, "We want to find The Rock don't we Jake?" I nodded the camera up & down. Adam laughed.   
"Everybody loves the Rock!" He rolled his eyes!! "Ok Maybe I can help! Come with me!"  
I kept the camera on as we walked just incase I came across any more superstars that I recognised! I knew Jake would pee his pants when I sent him this tape!! 


	9. Chapter 9

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked"  
  
Chapter 9  
  
I carried on filming as we walked with Adam leading the way trying to find the Rock for Jake! As we rounded a corner I bumped into something as solid as a wall! I took the camera away from my eye & all I could see was a t-shirt covered chest! I craned my neck up & found myself staring into the face of Brock Lesner! He stood stock still & looked down at me.  
"Oh…I…erm…I'm really sorry!" Still he didn't say anything, he just stared at me! "I…er…I didn't look where I was going I'm sorry I…I bumped into you!"  
He turned almost robotically & looked at Adam. "She with you?" he gestured towards me.  
"Naahh…well yeah she is right now but this young lady came with Matt! Brock meet Matt Hardy's girlfriend, ah…"  
"Bec!" I said sharply & thrust my hand in his direction. I didn't much like this guy's attitude! I'd only met him like thirty seconds earlier & he'd already managed to piss me off!  
"Ah!" he said as he shook my hand, "well nice to meet you Bec!" His face softened, "Please tell Matt I appreciate him stepping in for me at such short notice!"  
"Oh yeah right!" he caught me off guard, I hadn't expected him to be the least bit pleasant!!  
"I'm sorry you guys had to be dragged down here on Matt's time off! It's my knee…" he gestured towards his leg which I now saw was bandaged up around his knee. "Banged it up pretty bad! I was hoping to get back to work tomorrow for the house show but the doctors reckon I'll be out for a week!"  
"Oh right! Well sorry to hear that!"  
"Yeah Brock that's a bummer man!" Adam said studying Brock's leg.  
"Well I was hoping Matt could do some more in-ring time for me! You know where he is?"  
"Yeah he's back in the locker room, at least that's where I left him!"  
"I'm sure Shane will sort it out but I kinda wanted to see Matt myself. Catch you later!" He hobbled away.  
"Wow very erm…" Adam interrupted me with a laugh!  
"Yeah Brock's kind of defensive! He probably thought you were the press or something! He doesn't like them much!"  
"Oh right!" I laughed, "I thought I was talking to the frigging terminator there for a moment!" we both laughed.  
"Quick! Switch the camera on!" Adam lifted my arm to my head.  
"Huh?" I said looking puzzled.  
"THERE! QUICK!! CAMERA!"  
When I looked dup I could see why he was so keen for me to switch on the camera!! It was The Rock standing about 30 feet away talking to Stephanie McMahon!! I quickly put the camera to my eye & focused in on him!  
"Jake! Look who I found!" we walked towards them & I found myself getting a little nervous!  
"Here you can see Rockyus Maximus! A rare and dangerous species more commonly known as Butt features!" Adam whispered & I burst out laughing! The Rock looked up & smiled that killer smile!!  
"I heard that Copeland!!" he laughed.  
"Hey D how's it going?" Adam stepped into the shot & they shook hands.  
"It's going good man! Who do we have here?"  
"This is Bec, Matt's girlfriend! She's filming for her little brother Jake!" Adam waved at the camera once again "Say hi to Jake Rocky!" he grinned.  
"Hey Jake!" The Rock waved, "and hello Bec, nice to meet you!"  
"Oh hi!" I held out my hand & he shook it.  
"And this is the best looking of the McMahon family!" Adam smiled.  
"Hello!" I said, "Stephanie right?"  
"Yes it is! Hi Bec nice to meet you! And hi to you too Jake!!" she waved & smiled. "so where abouts in the world is Jake then?"  
"Oh he's back in England! I'm over because I'm working here, well I'm a nanny in Cameron!" I switched off the camera.  
"Oh right! That's how you met Matt then?"  
"Yeah!"  
"Well Bec it's been a pleasure to meet you & I'm sure we'll meet again soon but I have to dash I have a meeting!" She smiled & we said out goodbyes.  
"ADAM! Can I borrow you for like 30 seconds please?" a guy shouted that I'd never seen before.  
"Yeah Tim I'll be right there! I'm gonna have to leave you in Dwayne's capable hands!" he said to me, "Won't be long! Be gentle with her D!" he winked & I think I probably blushed slightly!!  
I watched Adam walk over to the guy who was going through a pile of papers.  
"So, is this your first show?" Dwayne asked.  
"Yeah it's pretty awesome!"  
"You will have to bring Jake along with you sometime!"  
"Yeah for sure! He'd just die to be here!!" I smiled, "Listen this sounds a bit dumb but can you give me your autograph for him please?" I rummaged in the pocket of my jeans & pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. "If you don't mind of course?" I held out the paper & he took it from me, turning it over in his huge hand & frowning!  
"This all you got?" he asked.  
"Um yeah I didn't really come prepared! That'll be fine Jake will love it anyway!"  
"I'm sure I can do better than this!" he grinned, "Come with me!" At that point, after that smile I would've happily followed that guy into hell!! "Adam!" he shouted "Just goin' to the lot! Get something to sign for Jake!!" Adam gave the thumbs up & I waved at him before we headed for the door. When we got to the lot he headed towards a very nice & very new Mercedes Benz!  
"Wow this is nice!"  
"Ahh yeah it is but it's not mine!" he smiled, "It's a rental!"  
"Oh right!"  
He unlocked the trunk & rummaged around in a large sports bag. "Hmm…I don't seem to have…oh yeah! Here we go! Turn on the camera!" I held the camera up to my eye, "How would Jake like a genuine," he sniffed it & pulled a face , "Sweaty! Rock t-shirt! As worn by the people's champ earlier tonight when he got attacked by some Jabroni named Paul Heyman!?" He pulled out a black t-shirt with the words 'JUST BRING IT!' printed on the front in white!  
"WOW! Jake! How about that huh?!"  
"Yeah well I'm sure I can get something to sign aswell…and this t-shirt might be a little big for the kid!" he laughed. He started to put all of the rest of his stuff back into the bag in the trunk of the car as I filmed everything! I scanned around the parking lot & focused in on a huge WWE truck.  
"Wow look at that Jake! Pretty cool huh?!" I laughed & then stopped suddenly. I saw that face again…..near the truck! I quickly turned the camera back to where I thought I'd seen it but there was nothing there! I went cold all over.  
"Right!" Dwayne banged the lid of the trunk & I jumped & let out a small sharp scream! "Oh man sorry!" Dwayne laughed.  
"That's erm…ok!" I looked back towards the truck again but there was still nothing or no one there! "Can we go back inside now..it's kinda cold out here!"  
"Sure thing! Here's your shirt!" He handed me the shirt.  
"Thanks so much for this! You'll be making one little boy extremely happy!"  
"Not a problem!" he beamed, his teeth were so white in the near darkness out there in the parking lot! I was quite ashamed of myself at the thoughts that flashed through my head about that guy!! Matt would NOT be pleased! "Come on then let's go & find Matt!" He put his arm around my shoulder to lead me indoors. Just before we went in I took one last look over my shoulder, just to make sure!! 


	10. chapter 10

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 10  
  
When we got back tot he hotel I was warn out, I couldn't even imagine how Matt felt. While he was in the shower I threw my case on the bed & rummaged around for my Pj's but I couldn't find them! I was sure I'd packed them & it was driving me crazy, so I began to pull everything out of the case & heap it on the bed.  
"What's goin' on?" Matt said, coming into the bedroom drying his hair with a towel.  
"I've lost something!" I mumbled as I heaped more clothes onto the bed.  
"Ahhh the old secret compartment with a million dollars hidden inside!" Matt grinned.  
"What?" I snapped, getting totally frustrated.  
"Nothin'. What have you lost?"  
"My Pj's! I know I packed them last thing, they should've just been right here on top of everything!"  
"Maybe you just forgot them?"  
"No I didn't! I know I.....Matt where did you leave these cases?"  
"They were in my car all night why?"  
"You didn't take them into the arena?"  
"NO....erm why would I take them into the arena?!" He laughed.  
"I don't know...I just...I know I packed them!" I ran my fingers through my hair & sighed.  
"Look, even if I had took them into the arena why would someone just open them & steal your nightwear? Come on Bec you just forgot to pack them that's all!"  
"I didn't!"  
"Forget the damn PJ's already!" He came over & put his arms around my waist from behind. "Jeez you can borrow one of my shirts to sleep in if ya want?"  
I sighed & nodded. The fact that I could borrow his shirt wasn't the point! I knew for a fact that I'd packed those damn pjamas in my case & I just couldn't understand why they weren't there now!! Matt kissed my neck & I leaned my head back onto him. "Better still, maybe I wont lend you a shirt!" Matt grinned & i playfully smacked the top of his head. "Anyway is something else bugging you? It ain't just the mysterious vanishing pjamas is it?"  
I turned around, "what do you mean?"  
"Well you seem a little stressed out over somethin' that's all?"  
"Ah its nothin', I'm just a bit tired I guess!"  
"Sure?"  
"Yes I'm sure!"  
"Come on then lets go to bed! I'll help you put all this stuff back!" He looked at the heaps of clothes on the bed, "Man I told ya to pack for three weeks not three months!" He shook his head.  
*******  
I didn't sleep much, so when it was time to get up I felt like shit & probably looked even worse! I'd had dreams, I couldn't really call them nightmares because they weren't really scarey but they'd sure as hell unnerved me! I dreamed about Mick, but instead of the usual nightmares about him attacking me, they were dreams about the good times. The day we moved into the flat, the night he asked me to marry him, taking Jake to the zoo...I couldn't understand where they'd come from!! When I woke up my head was spinning with fragmented visions of him happy & smiling! I could hear Matt in the bathroom & I felt a little safer. I rolled over onto my back &looked at the celing remembering how I'd done this so many times at home, listening to Mick humming a tune as he got ready to go to work. How the smell of his cologne would waft into the bedroom.....I sat up & sniffed the air...I could SMELL IT!!! I threw back the covers & stood up, sniffing again, the smell was still there, the smell of Tommy Hillfiger cologne that I used to love so much, only now it made me sick to my stomach! Slowly I made my way to the bathroom, tiptoeing, afraid that I was still in a dream & afraid of what I would see when I opened the bathroom door.  
Carefully I peered through the crack in the door, my heart racing & my throat feeling like it was about to close up.  
The bathroom was full of steam so I pushed the door slightly, holding my breath when I saw the figure by the basin. I closed my eyes.  
"Matt?" I said quietly but there was no answer. "Matt?" I said again, still standing there with my eyes closed. Suddenly I was yanked into the bathroom, the smell of Tommy was overwhelming & I almost gagged! Lips pressed hard against mine & I pushed against the person in front of me & let out a scream.  
"Woah what the fu..."  
I opened my eyes slowly & saw Matt standing in front of me, naked from the waist up. I was almost gasping for breath & the smell of that God awful cologne was still in the air, so think that it felt like I was drinking the damn stuff! "What was that for?" Matt said looking confused. "Bec? What's goin on?" I coughed & put a hand to my throat "Bec? Jesus.." He came towards me & put his hands out but I swiped them away.  
"Wh....." I gasped, "What's cologne is that??"  
"What?"   
"I...I said what the fuck is that smell?" I yelled.  
"Bec what is the problem?!"  
I went over to his bag that was beside the basin & started rummaging through it scattering the contents all over the floor.  
"BEC?! What the.......what are you doing?" Matt just stood back & watched me throwing this hissey fit!  
I found what I was looking for, the bottle of Tommy & I picked it up and held it in front of my face. "Where did you get this?!"  
Matt ran a hand through is hair & sighed, "It's cologne!"  
"I KNOW WHAT IT IS I ASKED WHERE YOU GOT THE FUCKING THING!!!" I shouted, almost hysterically. Matt just looked at it in my hand, totally bewildered & confused as to why his girlfriend was throwing a mental over a bottle of cologne! I didn't wait for an answer! I just launched the bottle across the room at the wall, where it shattered on the tiles & pieces of glass crashed into the bathtub. Matt ducked when the bottle flew past his head & now he stood, half crouched, staring at the wall in disbelief.  
I was doing the same, I couldn't believe I just smashed his bottle of cologne against the wall! It was like Id been possessed by some unknown idiot & I was just now starting to come back to my senses!! I was shaking & tears fell down my cheeks. Slowly Matt began to straighten up, looking from me to the wall & then back to me again.  
"Hmmm...." he cleared his throat. "I....erm...." he scratched his head, "erm right!" he nodded. "Guess I better clean this up then." he turned away but the look he gave me as he went to the bathtub said it all! He thought I'd gone psycho! I wanted to tell him why Id done it...I opened my mouth but nothing would come out! Instead I just went back out of the door & into the bedroom. I called the reception & explained that a bottle of cologne had been dropped in the bathtub & asked if someone could please come & clean it up. They said it wasn't a problem & someone would be up as soon as we left. I thanked them & as I was hanging up the phone Matt appeared in the doorway. 


	11. chapter 11

Lost, Confused, Unkind, (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 11  
  
He stood staring at me for a few seconds & I hung my head. I waited for the questions, the concern but all I got was silence.  
"I'm....I'm sorry!" I stammered still not daring to raise my eyes & see the look on his face that I was certain would still be there. He came out of the doorway & began to pack his clothes into his case, still not saying a word.  
"Matt....I.."  
"You better get dressed or we'll be late." He said softly, still packing his stuff. I nodded, I got the message....I'd managed to piss him off! Way to go Bec!  
Once I'd gotten washed & packed we headed downstairs & checked out, he hardly said a word to me at all. When we got into the car I could take the silence no longer.  
"I'm sorry I smashed the cologne Matt!" He nodded but still didn't speak. "Matt?" He turned the key in the ignition & I put my hand on top of his which finally made him look at me! "I'm really sorry it's just..." he sighed and his face softened a little, "It was Mick's cologne! I didn't mean top freak out but...."  
He leaned his head back against the seat & looked at the celing.  
"I didn't know!"  
"I know that...I should've explained...I shouldn't freak out like that, not any more! I'm sorry!"  
Matt looked over at me and placed a hand on my cheek, "I'm the one that should be sorry Bec ok?" He raised his eyebrows, "If there's something on your mind then tell me...it's more than just the cologne isn't it?"  
"No no it isn't!" I lied, "...it was just the cologne, the smell, man waking up to that smell, I think maybe I was still half asleep that's all!"  
"You sure?"  
I smiled, "Yeah I'm sure!" He leaned over and kissed me & I felt so relieved! For a while I thought I'd blown it completely, most guys would have ran a mile if their girlfriend went around throwing bottles of cologne at their heads!! But not my Matt!! Once again his lips pressed against mine & I thanked my lucky stars that this guy had ever crossed my path!  
I was lost in his kiss, the sensation of his hand on the back of my neck & his tongue gently exploring my mouth, so lost infact that when there was a bang on the car window I had to stifle my scream!!!  
I leapt so high I almost banged my head off the celing! Matt did the same and as he jumped back into his seat he yelled "Jesus!"  
When I looked I saw a face at Matt's window & turned to look out of mine & came face to face with Jeff!!  
"ASSHOLE!" I spat clutching at my chest!  
"JAY!!!" Matt exclaimed, "JEFF!" he opened his door & stood embracing the guy that had been staring into his window!  
Jeff opened my door & leaned in, "You gettin' out?" he playfully punched my arm, "Thought you'd be pleased to see me!" he grinned.  
"Yeah, I'll get out as soon as someone calls 911 so the paramedics can start my heart again!" Jeff laughed and pulled me out of the car & into his arms.  
"Haha sorry! I didn't mean to scare you!!"   
I wrapped my arms around his back & squeezed him. "It's ok!" I laughed, "It is good to see you!"  
He released his grip & went around the car to hug Matt, I followed him.  
"What are you guys doing here?!" Matt smiled.  
"Ahh long story we thought we'd missed you actually! " Jeff smiled, "Reception told us you left like 10minutes ago! I guess it's a good thing you got erm...distracted!" Jeff nudged me playfully and smirked & I rolled my eyes!  
"so are you guys headed to the arena?" The blonde guy asked.  
"Yeah we were just gonna stop for breakfast somewhere.....why are you guys here I'm curious!" Matt grinned.  
"Well the genius minds of Shane McMahon & Eric Bischoff have come up with a plot to set the world of wrestling entertainment alight!!" The blonde guy smiled.  
"Oh on! I don't like the sounds of that! What's the plan?"  
"Well...."Jeff put his arm around my shoulder & leaned on me. "....buy us breakfast & we might just tell you!!" he grinned.  
"Ok where do you guys wanna go?" Matt asked, "And get your hands off my woman Junior!!" Matt laughed & shoved Jeff's arm from my shoulders as he put his own around my waist.  
"So she is real!!!" Said the guy I didn't know! "I thought Jeff was making it up! I never thought this ugly ass would get himself a girl without a guide dog!!" he laughed. He held out his hand, "Hey I'm Jay!"  
I smiled, "Hi Jay! I'm Bec, pleased to meet you! Raw guy huh?" I asked.   
"Yup! The erm....BEST Raw guy!" he raised an eyebrow at Jeff.   
"Get over yourself!" Jeff laughed.  
"Yeah cuz no one else will get over him!!" Matt laughed & ruffled his hair.  
We decided just to head to the first restaurant we came to, which happened to be a McDonalds! Matt & Jay went to get the food while Jeff & I found a table. we'd just sat down when a boy of about 8 years old came over to Jeff with a pen & a napkin, asking for his autograph!  
"Sweet!" I said, as the kid went off to find Matt in the direction Jeff had pointed him in!  
Jeff smiled then turned to look at me with a serious look on his face. "How are you doing?" he asked all of a sudden.  
"Erm....I'm fine Jeff, why?"  
"No reason! Just, well you look a bit tired that's all!"  
"HA! You mean I look like shit!"  
"Hey I'm a gentleman I didn't like to say!" I nudged his arm playfully & we both laughed.  
"Seriously I'm fine, just having a few nightmares that's all, no biggie!"  
"You & Matt, in the car before....well I couldn't help but think that was kind of a making up kiss?!"  
My eyes widened! "Hark at fucking Maury here!" I laughed.  
"Hey I'm just concerned that's all!"  
"Well no need to be! Everything's fine! really!!"  
"Ok I'll butt out! But if you ever need to talk....." I laughed, "What's funny?"  
"Well to think for a while there I actually thought you...well ya know! I was scared of you!"  
He smiled, "yeah well now you know what a sweet charming nice guy I am!!" He laughed.  
"Budge up!" Matt said standing over Jeff with a tray of food in his hands.  
"Oh erm here!" Jeff got up, "You sit there!" He winked at me behind matt's back!  
Matt shuffled along the seat beside me & put the tray on the table. I looked up at Jeff again & he smiled before he sat down beside Matt! 


	12. Chapter 12

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 12  
  
Over breakfast Jeff & Jay explained the 'Big Plan' that Shane & Eric had come up with! Jeff was to do a run in while Matt was fighting edge, mainly to help Edge, but while Jeff was taking it to Matt, Jay (Christian) would run down to the ring to help Matt!  
"Twisted!" Matt grinned, "But how are they gonna explain the 'Raw' invasion on a Smackdown show?"  
"See this is it!" Jeff sat forward in his seat enthusiastically, "It's gonna get out of control! Raw guys running in on Smackdown & Smackdown guys ruining Raw matches, that way Vince can 'Fire' Bischoff for not having control over his guys!"  
"Ahh right!" Matt said, nodding & taking another sip of his coffee.  
"Thing is..." Jay sat forward in his seat, "This will lay the groundwork for getting me & Adam back on track! At some stage when I'm getting hammered by Smackdown guys Adam will reluctantly help me!" He grinned, "After all, he is my brother!" he winked. "It will be awesome if it pens out as good as it sounds!"  
"Yeah, no one will see that coming!" Matt laughed.  
"So that's why we're here now!" Jeff smiled, "We are gonna try it out tonight at the house show & see how it goes! If it gets a big enough pop then I think it'll be all systems go! See Shane has a plan to get other guys over too, like Jericho for starters!"  
I smiled as I drank my coffee & listened tot heir conversation! They were like kids at Christmas, getting all excited & hyped up! I excused myself & went into the bathroom. Once I was in the cubicle I heard someone else close the door as they came into the room, I didn't think much of it at the time, until that smell wafted in to the small space where I sat.....Tommy! I put a hand to my mouth & held my breath. I sniffed again & I could still smell it! Quickly I finished what I was doing, all the time I could hear someone outside the cubicle shuffling & moving around quietly. I flushed & braced myself as I slid back the bolt & pulled the door............but it wouldn't open!! I tugged at it again but it seemed like someone was on the outside pulling the other way & I started to panick! I yanked at the door again but still it wouldn't give!  
"Please, whoever you are, just let me out!" The smell of Tommy stuck in my throat & I could hardly draw a breath! "Let me out!" I banged on the door. "LET ME OUT!" Tears streamed down my face, "PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR!!"  
"BEC?" The door to the ladies room burst open.  
"MATT! The...the door's stuck! I can't get out!"  
"Hang on!" He shouted. Slowly the door creaked open & Matt stood there with a puzzled look on his face! "It's......it's ok it's not stuck Bec!"  
"Oh Matt!" I threw my arms around his neck & cautiously he folded his arms around my back. "I was stuck! It wouldn't open!" I was shaking & the tears were flowing down my cheeks.  
"I was in the men's room next door..I heard you shouting! I thought someone....." he sighed, "...You scared the hell out of me Bec!" He held me at arms length & sighed, 'There was nothing stopping you from opening that door! What the hell happened?"  
"It...it was stuck!" My voice trailed off when I saw Matt shake his head slowly. "But....I..."I turned towards the door.  
"It wasn't stuck Bec!! You must have just panicked or...something God knows what!?" I looked down at the floor & watched as the tears splashed onto the tiles. "Bec?" He put his finger under my chin & lifted my head so we were face to face, "What's goin' on here?" I shook my head. "come on please...talk to me!"  
"It's nothing!" I wiped my face on the back of my hand, "really...I'm just tired, stressed out!"  
Matt nodded, "Ok so in other words you're not going to tell me what's goin' on?!"  
"yes....no...I mean..." I sighed, "There's nothing to tell but when, IF there is then yes I'll tell you!"  
Matt smiled, "Um I think I understand what you just said!" he laughed, "Come here you!" He pulled me into his arms & I pressed my head against his chest. "You have got to stop freaking out ok?" I nodded, "Listen to me nothing is gonna happen when you are with me ok?" I nodded again, "I wont let anything happen to you Bec I promise!" he whispered.  
"I love you Matt!" I whispered back to him.  
He kissed the top of my head & lifed my chin once again, pressing his lips against mine. He was all I ever wanted, and I knew I had to stop freaking out or I was gonna lose him!  
"OOH!" we both jumped & turned around to see a lady had walked in on us! It was then we realised where we were & I started to giggle! "EXCUSE ME!" She said pushing past us muttering something under her breath. Matt's face flushed slightly & he grabbed my hand & quickly led me out of the ladies room!  
"Dude I seriously do not wanna go in there now!" Jay laughed, "You were in there long enough to drop a BOMB!" Matt just gave Jay a sarcastic smile & we sat down. Jeff slyly raised his eyebrows at me in concern & I rubbed underneath my eyes with the sleeve of my sweater & just smiled at him!  
"Erm I think we need to leave!" Matt said standing up & taking hold of my hand.  
"What? why?" Matt gestured to the far side of the restaurant where the lady who'd walked into the ladies room was talking to a member of staff & pointing our way! "Oh shit!" I grabbed my bag & we made for the door! Jay & Jeff jumped up & followed us!  
"What's goin on?" Jeff said as we raced outside.  
"Guys! I didn't even finish my coffee!!!" Jay whined.  
"Long story I'll explain later!" Matt said as we made for the parking lot!  
Matt & I got into his car & Jeff & Jay followed behind in their rental. Matt didn't say much on the way to the arena & who could blame him after what had just happened? I was so confused! I knew I smelled the cologne in the ladies room & I KNOW that door would not open! I just couldn't understand what in God's name was going on! It couldn't be Mick trying to mess with my head again. he was in prison thousands of miles away! It was just before we got to the arena that my imagination started to run away with me. 'what if he's been released?' 'What if he's escaped even?' I tried to tell myself that was ridiculous, but still the sense of panick welled up inside me & I had to swallow hard to stop myself from screaming! I turned around and quickly scanned the back seat of the car!  
"You ok?" Matt said trying to look into the rear view mirror to see what I was looking at!  
I jumped, "what? Uh yes I'm fine!" I turned back to face the windshield, my heart racing & beads of sweat forming on my top lip. I tried to tell myself to stay calm. I breathed deeply & rubbed my hands together in my lap trying to stay focused.  
"You cold?"  
"No I'm fine thanks!"  
"Cause if you're cold I can turn up the heat or.."  
"I said I'm fine thank you!" I said, a bit too sharply, "Sorry! I'm fine really! no need to turn up the heat but thank you anyway!" I said & smiled, trying to cover up the fact that I was on the verge of another major freak out!  
Matt smiled, "Ok!" he said & rubbed my leg, "We're here!" 


	13. Chapter 13

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 13  
  
When we pulled into the parking lot it was full of fans! There were   
literally a hundred people all wearing wrestling shirts and getting   
into a frenzy when they saw the cars pull up! I nervously scanned the   
throng of people, my eyes darting from one face to another searching   
for that one familiar & dreaded face that haunted my every waking   
moment, but I couldn't see him. Matt got out of the car & came around   
to let me out but he was surrounded by arms waving pieces of paper &   
camera bulbs flashing like strobe lights at a disco! I sat in the car   
& my mind was on overload as my fingers nervously curled around the   
door handle, but no matter how hard I willed them to move I just   
couldn't open the door! I didn't want to get out of the car & be in a   
position where I was vunerable, where Matt couldn't protect me, where   
anything could happen. The choice was taken away from me when the car   
door opened & Jeff held his hand out to help me out of the seat. I   
nervously looked up at him, squinting to see his face in the bright   
sunshine.  
"Come on!" he said softly, "Before they see me!"  
I took hold of his hand & he pulled me onto my feet.  
"JEEFFFFF!" a voice shouted & suddenly we were surrounded by kids all   
yelling & holding out posters & markers. Jeff started to sign   
autographs & I backed up against the car door & tried to take in   
every eager face that appeared before me. Jeff looked up from his   
signing & saw the state I was in, shaking & sweating & biting on my   
lip. He immediately reached through the crowd & jerked me towards him.  
"Sorry guys! Gotta go to work!"  
"Why are you here Jeff?" someone yelled as he pushed through the mass   
of bodies dragging me behind him by my arm.  
"Ahh you'll have to wait and see!!" he smiled. We reached the door to   
the arena where security came to greet us. Jeff looked back, "MATT!"   
he called & Matt's face appeared above the surrounding heads. Jeff   
made a gesture to the door & Matt raised his hand then shouted, "2   
minutes!!"  
Once the door was closed behind us it was virtually silent in the   
corridor. I tried to breathe normally not wanting Jeff to realise   
just how panicked I'd been out there, but the more I tried to slow   
down my breath the more I gasped.  
"Come on!" Jeff said, putting an arm around my shoulder & leading me   
into a locker room, "Sit down!" I did as I was told & wiped my face   
with my hands. "Can I get you anything? Glass of water?" I shook my   
head, "Ok you wanna talk then?" I looked up sheepishly & Jeff sighed   
& sat down beside me. "Ok what's going on?"  
"I don't know!"  
"Well…it's obvious something is freaking you out, talk to me Bec!"  
I leaned forward and put my head in my hands, "It's Mick," I   
sighed, `I think he's back!"  
"Mick's out of jail already?"  
"Well I don't know…but if he isn't then he's getting someone to do   
his dirty work for him, again!"  
"Damn!" Jeff took hold of my hand, "No the wonder you looked scared   
out there!" He rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb, "What does   
Matt think?"  
I laughed sarcastically, "He thinks I'm losing my mind!" I looked at   
the celing, "He doesn't know Jeff!"  
"And what do you think?"  
"I'm starting to agree with him!" I smiled.  
"Right, maybe you should call home see if your folks know anything!"  
My smile quickly faded & I looked into Jeff's eyes. "I'm so scared   
Jeff! I can't go through this shit again I swear I'll end up in an   
institution!" A tear rolled down my cheek & Jeff gently wiped it away   
with the sleeve of his shirt.  
"It's gonna be ok Bec! We won't let that happen again I promise!" He   
took me into his arms & held me tightly, "Me & Matt won't let that   
bastard hurt you again!" He said as he softly stroked my hair. His   
shirt was soft on my face & I closed my eyes & breathed in his scent.   
Damn he smelled good! I suddenly realized where my thoughts were   
taking me & pulled back quickly.  
"Well…" gulped & cleared my throat, "I guess you're right! I should   
go & find a phone!" I stood up & made for the door & Jeff caught my   
arm.  
"Bec?" For a moment we were locked together, his eyes were as   
entrancing as Matt's & for a few seconds I found myself completely   
lost to him. "I…I won't let this happen ok?" I nodded slowly, unable   
to tear my eyes away from his. "It won't happen!" he said softly and   
then looked towards the window. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach   
that I knew exactly what he meant & he wasn't talking about Mick! As   
soon as he looked away it was as if the spell had been broken & I   
turned & left the room without saying a word!  
I wandered along the corridor in a half-dazed state! I could still   
smell Jeff, his cologne wason my clothes & I tried to block out the   
thoughts it was weaving into my mind!  
"Beth right?" said a voice.  
"Wha…erm…"  
"You're Matt Hardy's girlfriend? We met last night?"  
"Shane! Oh yeah no I mean.." I took a deep breath as Shane McMahon   
stood in front of me looking totally confused! "What I mean is yes   
I'm Matt's girlfriend but it's Bec not Beth!" I smiled.  
"Oh man! I am so sorry Bec! I'm hopeless with names!" he shook his   
head & smiled.  
"Oh it's ok really! I kinda had my mind elsewhere!"  
"Anything I can help you with?"  
"Well um yeah actually I need a phone!"  
"Well then, step into my office!" He smiled & led me to a nearby door.  
"Are you sure? It's long distance? I need to call home, kind of a   
family emergency!"  
"Go for your life hun!" he went for the door, "I'll leave you to it!"   
he winked & left the room.  
With my hands shaking and all thoughts of Jeff totally forgotten I   
nervously lifted the receiver & dialed home!  
"Hello?" said a warm & familiar voice!  
"Mum! Hi Mum it's me!"  
"Bec! Sweetheart! So nice to hear from you! Where are you?"  
"Erm..how did you know I wasn't in Cameron?"  
"I called the Jameson's place yesterday & Mary told me you'd gone   
away with Matt! Jake is having a fit that you're going to shows!" she   
laughed.  
"Ah right! Well tell him I'll have some surprises for him when I see   
him next! Is he there?"  
"Well actually he's at school but he'll be home in half an hour!"  
"Oh right yeah! Sorry I didn't think!"  
"That's ok honey it's just good to hear from you!"  
"Yeah, you too mum! I'm missing you guys so much!" I bit on my lip &   
looked at the celing to stop the tears coming.  
"Are you ok Bec? You seem a little distracted?"  
"I'm fine Mum! Having the time of my life infact!" I lied. "Erm…..mum   
have you heard anything about Mick recently?" Silence, "Mum? Are you   
still there?"  
"Y..yes sweetheart I'm still here!"  
"Well?"  
"Erm….Mick you say? No I haven't heard anything! What made you ask   
about Mick?"  
"Oh no reason, just thinking that's all!"  
"Well no need to think about that scum! Now you just get on with your   
life & forget about Mick you hear?"  
"Are you not telling me something here Mum?"  
"what do you mean?"  
"I mean if, well if Mick had been released or something you would   
tell me wouldn't you?"  
"Of course I would!! Look I have to go darling there's someone at the   
door!"  
"Oh right! Love you Mum!"  
"Love you too Bec! Have fun & Just call me when you get back to   
Cameron & we'll talk ok?"  
"Sure Mum! Bye then."  
As I replaced the receiver I couldn't help but think that she was   
holding something back, I could always tell when Mum was lying to me! 


	14. Chapter 14

Lost,Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 14  
  
I came out of Shane's office still not convinced that I was being told the whole truth! I knew though that Mum would never lie to me if it would endanger my life, so if he had been released then surely she would tell me! I decided that worrying about Mick had spoiled the fun I was meant to be having for quite long enough! I was going to try to just get on with my life, screw Mick!!  
As I walked along I was in a world of my own until I heard Matt call my name. I looked up & he was walking towards me, I smiled at the mere sight of him!  
"Hey babe!" He hugged me. "You ok?"  
"Yeah actually I am thanks!"  
"so why did Jeff say I should come & find you then?"  
"Oh he did? Well no reason I was just phoning Mum!"  
Matt smiled & we started to walk back to the locker room, "So, you having fun?"  
"You betcha!" I put my arm around his waist & squeezed him tightly. "How long have you got spare before you have to work?"  
"Hmm…" He looked at his watch, "About half an hour why?"  
I smiled & raised my eyebrows. "Woah!!" Matt laughed. "Come with me!" He dragged me to the locker room & once we were inside he pushed me back up against the door & kissed me passionately. He pressed himself against me and his hands found their way into my shirt.  
*cough*  
We both jumped & looked to see Jeff coming out of the bathroom getting dried on a towel. I quickly straightened my hair & started tucking my shirt back into my jeans.  
"Oh erm Jeff!" Matt coughed & tried to adjust his pants to hide his 'enthusiasm'! "Sorry man I err didn't know you were here!"  
Jeff just turned away & held up his hand. "No worries dude! I'll just get my stuff & I'll bunk with Adam & Jay!"  
I looked down at the floor, I felt so embarrassed! "Hey Jeff you needn't do that! We were just um.."  
"I don't need to know what you guys were just um…" Jeff smirked," Don't let me get in the way!" he said as he left the room! When he closed the door Matt & I looked at each other & burst out laughing!!  
"OH MY GOD!!!" I said, putting a hand to my mouth! "If he'd stayed in that bathroom a few minutes longer God only knows what he would've seen!!!"  
"Hmm…." Matt came over & put his arms around my waist, "And what might he have seen?" He planted kisses on my neck & I giggled.  
"Well Hardy if that bathroom door has a lock on it then maybe I can show you!" I put my arms around his neck & he lifted me off my feet!  
"Please God let there be a lock on that door!!" he grinned.  
He carried me into the bathroom & thankfully the door did lock! We looked at each other for a few seconds before he came close to me & moved my hair over my shoulder. I shivered at his touch on my neck, it was still as intense as the first time he touched me! I looked into his gorgeous eyes as he leaned down to kiss me, locking my gaze long enough to make me want him. As we kissed I unbuttoned his shirt and ran my hands over his smooth & perfectly toned chest & I could feel his breathing getting faster as I moved my hands down to unbutton his pants.  
Matt broke the kiss & grinned, "Shower!!" he said raising his eyebrows, & I giggled. He kicked off his shoes, stepped out of his trousers and went to turn on the shower. I quickly undressed and followed him under the water. I remember looking at the droplets running down his chest & thinking he was just so perfect! He kissed me again, his tongue flicking the inside of my mouth, his erection hard against my hip & he moaned when I pressed my body against him.  
"I want you Matt!" I whispered.  
He looked at me, "You sure about this?" I nodded & pulled his head back down to kiss me. He gently pushed my back against the wall, the tiles were freezing & I gasped! I lifted one leg up around his waist & he lifted my other leg, taking all of my weight as he entered me! At first I held my breath, for a split second Mick's face came into my mind.  
"You ok?" he whispered.  
"Yes…I need to see your face Matt! Look at me!"  
He looked into my eyes as he slowly moved up & down. I didn't take my eyes off his face & I didn't dare close them because I knew who I'd see. He moved me quicker & I squeezed my legs around him & started moving with his rhythm. To feel me inside of me after so long was mind blowing. It was just like the first time all over again. The water dripped down his face & I leaned down & licked his cheek, my tongue finding his, my eyes never leaving his gaze! He moaned as our tongues slid together, it turned me on even more & I started to rock faster & harder. My nails dug into his shoulders and my heart pounded. He looked down at my breasts.  
"I said look at me!" Without thinking I grabbed a handful of his hair & yanked it hard so his head snapped back & I could see his face again. He seemed to enjoy it so I left my hand in his hair, gently tugging on it & getting my fingers entangled in it.  
My breathing came in short sharp gasps & I moaned.  
"Hold it!" he grunted.  
"I…I can't!"  
"Yes you can!" He thrust into me harder and faster.  
"Oh Matt!"  
He kissed me hard & rough, biting on my lip. "Talk to me!" He whispered not taking his eyes off mine, not slowing his pace. I was having a hard time holding out & I knew I would be screaming at any moment!  
"I love you!" I whispered, blinking water from my eyes.  
He closed his eyes and moaned. "Tell me again! Say my name!"  
I could barely get a breath, "I love you Matt!" I whispered. He seemed so turned on by it I said it again & again until, "Matt I…..I…Maaaaaat!"  
"Oh Jesus!" he moaned.  
"Look at me!" I said again. He turned his face to mine & I watched his expression just before he came. It was more than I could take. My back arched & I took my eyes off him for the first time & looked at the celing. "OH GOD!" I shouted, "DON'T STOP!" As I climaxed he thrust into me harder & deeper than ever & I called out his name as he came inside of me. 


	15. Chapter 15

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 15  
  
After we'd dried off & gotten dressed Matt held me as we stood in the bathroom. He stroked my hair as I buried my head into his chest.  
"You ok babe?"  
I looked up at him, "Yeah fine!"  
Matt smiled, "See all that worrying & I told you it would be ok didn't I?" he planted a kiss on my nose, "So everything's fine yeah?"  
"Stop worrying Matt I told you, everything's great!"  
"Man I needed that! WOOOOOO!" he laughed & I playfully punched his arm!  
"MATT!" I giggled & he winked & grabbed me & twirled me around.  
"I love you Matt!" I said as I looked into his beautiful eyes.  
"Well then I'm one hell of a lucky guy!" he smiled, "But I guess I have to go to work huh?"  
"I guess so!"  
"You want the camcorder again?"  
"Sure! That'd be great!"  
"Ok it's in my bag in the locker! I'll be out in 2 minutes!" He kissed me before I went out of the bathroom. I was rummaging through his bag when Jeff knocked on the door.  
"Hey guys it's me! Can I come in!?"  
"Yeah Jeff some in!" I laughed.  
"Hi! I left my belt, ah there it is!" He grabbed his belt from one of the hooks on the wall, "Where's Matt?"  
"Getting ready for show time!"  
"So how did it go with calling home?"  
I looked at the bathroom door & whispered, "Ok, erm you wanna take a walk?"  
"Sure!"  
"MATT! I'm just going for a wander around with Jeff!" I shouted.  
"Ok hun see you later!"  
Jeff & I went down to the arena & we sat down in 2 of the thousands of empty seats. I looked out at everyone running around, stage hands, camera men, wrestlers, photographers…it was a hive of activity!  
"So what did your folks say then? Did you get a chance to talk to them?"  
"Yeah I spoke to Mum, she……well there's something she's not telling me but I can't put my finger on it!"  
"You think Mick's out?"  
"See that's not it Jeff! She's my mother & she'd never lie to me if it meant endangering my life! She was here for the trial, she knows what a psycho he is!!"  
Jeff nodded, "Yeah I guess you're right! Surely she'd tell you if he got out!" He paused, "STEVE!"  
"Well I thought of him too!" I bit on my lip, "But how am I going to find out if he's still in jail?"  
Jeff clenched his fists in his lap, "Bec if it's him I'll kill him I swear!"  
"Jeff! Come on man that's not what I need to hear right now!"  
"Yeah, I'm sorry! I just still can't believe he was behind all that crap! I thought I knew the guy & to top it off he tries to put me in the picture!! Some friend! It just burns me up when I think about it!"   
"Well imagine what it does to me then!"  
Jeff reached over & took my hand, "I'm sorry Bec! I can't even imagine what it must be like! I'll shut up!"  
I smiled, "It's ok Jeff!"  
"Hey what about the cop? What's her name..erm.."  
I thought about it, "SMITHURST!!"  
"That's the one! Call her! Surely if you have any concerns she can check it out for you? See if he's still inside!"  
"Not just an ugly mug huh?!" I smiled & patted his cheek. "Yeah I'll call the police station later, put my mind at rest if nothing else!"  
"Hey guys! Wondered where you'd gotten to!" Matt bounded up the steps towards us & Jeff quickly let go of my hand!  
"Hey bro! All set?"  
"Yeah I just thought I'd come & kiss my woman before my little brother kicks my ass in the ring!" we laughed. Matt kissed me & Jeff looked away.  
"So, you ready bro? Thought we'd get in a practise run," he looked down to the ring, "That's if we can ever get Kurt out of there!" he laughed.  
"Sure Matt let's go!"  
"OK! See you in a little while!" Matt smiled & kissed me again & then he enthusiastically ran back down the steps telling Jeff all about what he thought they could do in the show. I smiled as I watched them go down to the ring and Shannon, Adam & Jay joined them. I saw Matt talking to Kurt & he gestured my way so I smiled & waved. Then I saw Kurt heading up the steps towards me.  
"Hi!" he held out his hand & I took it, "Kurt Angle!" he beamed.  
"Hi, um yeah I know!" I laughed, "I'm Bec!"  
"How's it goin' Bec?"  
He sat down in the seat behind me so I turned around to face him.  
"It's going pretty good! Yourself?"  
"Great thanks! Listen Matt was telling me you were doing some sort of behind the scenes movie for your kid brother!"  
"Oh yeah!" I lifted the camera to show him, "Jake! He's a big fan!"  
"Matt figured you might want to come with me? I have to go & see a few of the guys so.."  
"That would be great! Thanks Kurt!"  
"Cool! Come on then! Get that camcorder charged & we'll see who we can find!"  
He led me to the backstage area & I switched on the camera. There was loads of familiar faces running around and I didn't want to miss a thing for Jake! I actually felt guilty that the little guy wasn't there with me, poor kid would've collapsed if he'd seen what I'd seen the last couple of days! Kurt was brilliant on camera & he made me laugh all the time! He managed to introduce me to half of the Smackdown rosta in just under an hour! I met Chris Benoit, Big Show, Team Angle, formally met Rey Mysterio who was a real nice guy & I could NOT understand why he hid that face under a mask!! We bumped into Stephanie & Shane again, he did a fantastic skit with Paul Heyman that Jake would just LOVE! But the icing on the cake was getting The Undertaker on film! He was definitely one of Jake's favourites & after chatting with him for a while, he was one of mine too! Just before show time I even managed to get Hulk Hogan on film as he passed in the corridor!   
"Dad will be impressed!" I said to Kurt & he found that quite amusing!  
Kurt then introduced me to his wife, Karen & I sat with her to watch the show! When it was all over I was exhausted & couldn't wait to get back to the hotel & snuggle up with Matt! I was having to adjust pretty damn fast to this wrestling business & it wasn't easy! When we were at home Matt was mine! I had all of his attention & all of his time, but out here it was a completely different story! Everyone wanted a piece of him & he was so focused on his job that sometimes I felt as though I was in the way! When we headed back to the hotel room I couldn't wait to get inside & close the door on the rest of the world! 


	16. Chapter 16

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel to "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 16  
  
I flopped onto the bed completely warn out! "Man I'm beat!"  
Matt lay beside me, "Me too hun!" I wriggled over and put my head on his chest. "So do you think it went ok tonight then?"  
"Yeah! The crowd loved it! Man those girls can scream for at your brother!"  
Matt laughed, "Yeah I always said he missed his calling in life, he should've been the sixth member of NSYNC!"  
I giggled, "Awww come on, somehow I can't see Jeff doin' those dance routines!" We both laughed. "Ok where's my case I'm getting ready for bed!" I yawned & crawled off the edge of the bed.  
"It's over by the door, drag mine here too will ya?"  
"Ok lazy arse!" I joked.  
I got the cases & almost didn't have the energy to haul mine up onto the bed! Matt went into the bathroom, still talking about the show.  
"Yeah I guess the crowd liked it! But, I dunno Bec there seemed like there was something missing but I can't figure out what!?"  
"I'm sure you'll work it out!" I said, not really paying all that much attention, I was too tired!!  
"Yeah I guess!" he started to brush his teeth, "Maybe its lodrs!"  
"Maybe it's what?""  
Matt spat into the sink. "Ladders! Maybe we need a ladder match!"  
I opened my case, "Yeah sure! Ladders! Great! That's just what I need to see! You getting thrown off the top of a……" I reached into my case & stared at what was there, right on top of all the clothes.  
"What?" Matt shouted.  
I picked them up & held them up infront of my disbelieving eyes! Then I threw them onto the bed. "Hun? What were you saying?" Matt said as he walked out of the bathroom & I just stood looking at him. "You were saying something? I didn't hear you I had the water running!"  
"Pajamas!" I pointed to the bed where I'd put them down & he looked.  
"Oh cool! You found them!"  
"Matt….they were right there on top of my clothes!!"  
"Told you they'd turn up didn't I?" He smiled & I just stared at him! "What's wrong?"  
"Well I had everything out of this damn case last night & I couldn't find them!"  
"Honey you were so stressed out last night you probably just missed them that's all!"  
"But…" I thought about protesting some more but then figured it wasn't worth it! Whatever I said Matt would find a logical explanation for when he was in one of these moods! Damn it did freak me out though! I threw them onto the floor & grabbed one of Matt's shirts to sleep in instead!  
Next morning we had to be up at 5am to catch a 6:30am flight to Boston! I was still worried about the pajama fiasco but trying not to let it show to Matt! He already thought I was losing my mind & I didn't want to give him any more cause for concern! At the airport I left him checking in while I went to get us a coffee from the machine.  
"Morning!" Jeff said as he came up behind me yawning & I jumped. "Shit! Sorry Bec!"  
"Jesus Jeff don't sneak up on me like that!"  
"You called the cop yet?"  
"I haven't had time! I'll do it when we get to Boston! I was kind of hoping if it is Steve, he surely wouldn't follow us on a plane!"  
Jeff raised his eyebrows, "Yeah probably not but still check it out though yeah?"  
"Yeah you're right! I'll call her!"  
We got our coffees & slowly started to walk back to find matt. As we walked I told Jeff all about the Pajamas!  
"How in the hell would he be able to get into your case?"  
"HA! If I knew that then I'd be doing Smithurst's job!"  
"So did you tell Matt?"   
I shook my head, "He's well…you know how Matt gets when he's working!"  
"Yeah I do, insensitive!"  
"That's a bit harsh Jeff! I just don't want to bother him! He's been through enough shit with me already!"  
"Well I think you should say something to him Bec, it's not like he's gonna….."  
I interrupted him when I grabbed his arm & turned him around, "Over there! Quick!" He looked in the direction I was pointing.  
"I don't see any…"  
"THERE! Jeff it's Steve! Shit! Look!!"  
I knew no more than Jeff's hot coffee splashing up my legs, he'd thrown the two cups he had in his hands & was running at break neck speed towards the guy I'd pointed out! I felt like my feet were stuck in syrup on the floor! My legs moved in slow motion while my eyes darted from Jeff to Steve, Steve to Jeff! He reached out & grabbed him, twirling him around, only it wasn't Steve at all! I saw Jeff making his apologies to this poor bewildered guy as Adam came over to me looking just as confused!  
"What's goin on with Jeff?"  
"Oh erm…he just thought he saw someone he knew that's all!"  
Adam looked at the floor, "Oh right…I guess I better get my own coffee then!" He smiled before heading off to the coffee machine.  
Jeff puffed his cheeks out & rolled his eyes as he came back to me.  
"I'm so sorry Jeff!"  
"Hey it's ok! Damn sure looked like the bastard to me aswell!"  
"Now I'm getting you as freakin paranoid as me! God this is just such a fucking mess!!" I sighed.  
Jeff reached out & rubbed my arm, he was about to say something when an angry guy with a bucket on wheels & a mop began clearing up the coffee around our feet! 


	17. Chapter 17

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 17  
  
I had no chance to speak to Jeff alone for a good few hours! We'd arrived in Boston, checked in at the hotel & then headed straight to the arena. Once we got there the guys were straight into work so I was left to my own devices once again. I sat in one of the empty seats in the arena to watch them going through their match plans. I still felt uneasy, as thought I was being watched constantly & I was so convinced that I kept turning around to check behind me! I sat alone for around 15 minutes before a familiar and more than welcome face wandered up the steps towards me!  
"Hello again!"  
"Hi Dwayne!" I beamed, so glad of the company!  
"Mind if I join you?"  
"Please do!" I gestured to the empty seat beside me, "I was starting to feel a little isolated with all these empty seats around me!"  
Dwayne smiled, "Yeah it can get like that I guess when Matt's working! I know what it was like sitting here injured, that was bad enough!"  
"Yeah I can imagine it was a little worse then me whining on about being lonely!" I smiled & he laughed.  
"So how long are you in America for?"  
"Oh a couple of years! If I ever go back at all!"  
Dwayne raised his eyebrows, "Oh I see!" he grinned, "You and Matt erm.." he winked & I realized what he meant & laughed!  
"Married? Good God no! I doubt that very much! It's kind of early days to be going there!" I laughed & looked out at Matt in the ring getting what looked to be a severe beating from his younger brother! "No I mean I don't really want to go back to England, I don't have that much to go home for!"  
"No family? Friends?"  
"Well yeah but…..oh it's a long story! Stuff….well stuff happened y'know?"  
He nodded, "Hmmm I know stuff & boy do I know how it can happen!"  
I laughed & he just smiled at me & winked. "What time is show time tonight?" I said trying to change the subject.  
"Around 7:30 I think!"  
"You got as match tonight?"  
"I do indeed!" he smiled, "You met Brock Lesnar? Big guy, HUGE guy? Looks like the Russian from the Rocky movies?"  
I laughed, "Yeah I've met Brock alright! I kinda bumped into him!"  
"Ah right, well it's not him!" I laughed even harder! "I'm wrestling Kurt tonight!"  
"Oh right!" I said, still giggling! "Nice guy Kurt!"  
"Nice gu…NICE GUY!?"  
I nodded, "Yeah he's…"  
"Woah! Woah! Woah! Woah! WOAH!" I sat back in my seat, a little shocked at first, until I realized I was about to be treated to one of the Rock's famous promos!!  
"See it's like this! Kurt Angle…the world's biggest piece of Olympic crap the world has ever seen! Is tonight about to get the BIIIIGEST beating the world has ever seen!" I bit on my lip to try to stop the smile that was threatening to show!!  
"Kurt Angle, you can drink all the milk you want! Eat vitamins like Paul Heyman eats M&M's but the fact of the matter is this….Kurt Angle.." (He whispered the 'Kurt Angle' part & I bit on my lip for reasons known only to myself & God! Damn this guy was gorgeous!!)  
"…When you step into the ring tonight The Rock is gonna turn you upside down INSIDE out! You won't know your head from your ass, which is a problem the rest of the world has had with you for a looooong time!" I burst out laughing at that point!!  
"My God! I wish I'd had the damn camcorder!!"  
He laughed! "So you think it's ok then?"  
"Well yeah I think it's…"  
"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!!"  
I jumped & then laughed so much tears ran down my face & my cheeks ached!! "Enough! Enough!" I said through my laughter!  
"Ok ok I'll put him away until showtime I promise!" he smiled.  
"Aww man it's been a long time since I laughed so much I can tell you that!"  
"Well if you're going to be on the road for a while we can do it on the camcorder sometime!" Then his eyes widened, "The promo! I mean The Rock thing! For Jake!"  
"I knew what you meant!!" I giggled.  
"What's goin on up here?" Matt said as he came up the steps wiping his face on a towel.  
"Matt! Hey man how's it goin?" Dwayne stood up & they shook hands.  
"Hey Dwayne!"  
"Yeah Dwayne's here now but if you'd come up here about 2 minutes ago you would have been shaking hands with The Rock!" I laughed. Matt leaned down & kissed the top of my head.  
"Oh right! That's what all the giggling was about up here! Man I hate that guy!" Matt smiled, "Rocky gets all the chicks!! You should keep him under control around Bec in future Dwayne!" Matt winked!  
"Yeah yeah!" Dwayne waved it away, "I'll keep taking the pills I know! I know!!" we all laughed.  
"Listen Bec I'm gonna go & take a shower ok?"  
"sure Matt no worries!"  
"Yeah well if you guys are finished down there I guess I should let Rocky out of his box for a practise run!" Dwayne stood up. "Oh by the way Bec where are you sitting for the show?"  
"Um I don't know I just usually find an empty seat!"  
"Right well you're sitting right down there at ringside to keep my guest company!" he smiled.  
"Sure! Great! I hate sitting on my own anyway! Who's your guest? Your wife?"  
"Nope, Brendan's in town so he's coming along to watch me in action!"  
"Oh right, who's Brendan?"  
"Brendan? Brendan Fraiser? Y'know the guy? He was in the Mummy, Mummy returns…."  
My jaw dropped, "California man, Monkey Bone, Blast from The Past, Bedazzled, Geaorge Of the Jungle….."  
"Oh great!" Matt rolled huis eyes, "I've lost her now!!" 


	18. Chapter 18

Lost, Confused, Unkind, (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 18  
  
The show was……well I can't remember all that much about it to be honest!! Sitting beside Brendan Frasier was a little distracting to say the least! He was a very nice guy & although I didn't say all that much to him we seemed to get along ok! I was slightly star struck (OK I was totally star struck!) but still I had an absolute ball! For once in my drab little, insignificant life I felt just a tiny bit important, just a little bit noticed & I can tell you that feeling was good!  
Back in the locker room the guys were joking around saying how Matt was definately going to get laid that night! I just laughed it off although I was hoping they were right! Matt was in the shower & the rest of the guys left so I took the opportunity to grab Jeff!  
"Hey listen sorry about before, in the airport! I didn't mean to get you all freaked out like that!"  
"That's ok!" Jeff smiled, "I would have put money on that guy being Steve!"  
"Yeah me too!"  
"So have you called that cop yet?"  
I shook my head, "I haven't had a minute to even think about it since we got here!"  
"Oh yeah! Friend of the stars!" Jeff laughed!  
"Yeah, how cool was that?!" I beamed. "Me, boring Bec gets to sit beside Brendan Frasier for a whole 2 hours and 37 minutes exactly!!" I laughed & Jeff shook his head, smiling.  
"Yeah go figure! So is he a nice multi-millionaire then?"  
I rolled my eyes, "Very, very nice guy!"  
We sat down on the bench & I glanced at the bathroom door. I could still hear water running so I knew we were ok to talk, for now!  
"Listen you have to call her first thing oK?"  
"Yeah I know! I will!"  
"Bec, I get the feeling you maybe don't wanna call her? Like maybe you'd rather not know? But…" he took my hand in both of his, "…You have to call, make sure he's still inside! It's for your own safety!"  
"Yeah I know! And I will call her Jeff I promise!"  
"Promise?"  
I looked into his eyes, bad move! I would have promised him I'd walk over fire just then! "I promise!…..DAD!" I laughed trying to make a joke out of it.  
"Don't give me that crap Bec I'm worried about you!" my smile faded.   
"Jeff look if it is Steve then he's just playing games! He's trying to mess with my mind, it's his style! Trying to screw me up like before but it's not going to work Jeff, not this time!" I put my other hand on top of his & looked at his face, he looked sad & he looked scared & I didn't like what I saw in his eyes. "I'm not the same person as I was the last time he fucked me up! I'm stronger than that and I'm not going to let him do it to me again ok? Just don't worry! I'll call Smithurst first thing in the morning and then we'll know for sure! If it isn't Steve, well then I don't know what I'll do next!"  
Jeff nodded, "Until then do me a favour and just watch your back ok? If you see or hear anything you don't like just come & get me.." he looked me in the eye, "…I'll never be far away ok?"  
"Yeah, thanks Jeff!" I kissed his cheek & we looked at each other for a second…..  
"BEC! ARE YOU STILL OUT THERE?"  
"Um YEAH MATT!"  
"CAN YOU PASS ME A TOWEL OUTA MY BAG PLEASE HUN?"  
I gave Jeff a slight smile & got Matt his towel. Before I went into the bathroom I put my hand on Jeff's shoulder "Thanks again Jeff, just for being here! Someone to talk to y'know?"  
He patted my hand & smiled, "Anytime!" He stood up & left.  
******  
Matt grabbed me as I walked into the bathroom with his towel.  
"Hey! Ew you're all wet!" I playfully pushed him away & he grabbed me again, "MAAAATT!" I laughed.   
"Come here you!" He kissed me, "I just wanna make sure all this mingling with the rich & famous hasn't turned your head!" he laughed.  
"Moi? Oh please……who are you again?" I stuck my nose in the air & he tickled me. "Listen I'm gonna go out to the lot for a cigarette!"  
"Awww I was hoping you'd want a shower with me again!"  
"Save it stud!" I winked, 'Won't be long!"  
I eventually found the back door & lit up a cigarette. The night air was cool & made the hairs on my arms stand on end! I shivered & wrapped my arms around my chest, rubbing them to keep them warm. I took a drag on the cigarette & I thought I heard someone whispering. I turned around quickly but there was no one there, I turned back to my origional position, still nothing. Come to think of it the lot was unusually quiet considering the show had only been finished for an hour! Usually there'd be people everywhere running around trying to pack everything up! I figured talking to Jeff had freaked me out & I shook my head & took another drag ignoring my racing heart beat!  
"Beeeeccc!"  
I whirled around quickly! I definatly heard my name!  
"Who's there?" Silence. I started to back up towards the door. My eyes darting back & forth over the empty parking lot. The breeze got a little stronger & whipped my hair around into my face. "Steve?" I said out loud, "Steve if that's you this is just stupid man!" Still silence. "STEVE! This is it! I've had enough you hear?" I continued to back-step towards the door & I threw my half smoked cigarette on to the ground. Again I heard my name whispered & I couldn't even tell which direction it was coming from. I quickened my back-pacing, "Who's there?" I shouted again, "Just go away….please!" I scanned the lot again looking for anything that would give away someone's hiding place but I couldn't see a thing! I took one more step backwards & turned to run into the building but I ran into someone & they grabbed both of my arms! "GET OFF!" I screamed & frantically hit out at whoever had me trapped!  
"Woah! Hey!"  
I looked up into the face of Adam! "Adam! Jesus!" I turned around again to check behind me. "Shit!" I was shaking uncontrollably & gasping for air!  
"Hey it's ok! What's wrong? What happened?"  
I looked up at him again as tears rolled down my cheeks but no words would come out!  
"Come on, INSIDE!" he put his arm around me & turned to look around the lot before he led me inside! 


	19. Chapter 19

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 19  
  
Once we got inside & closed the door I launched myself into Adam's arms!  
"Hey hey! Come on we'll go & sit down!" The first room we came to was the physio room so we went in & sat down on a gurney. "Ok tell me what happened out there?"  
"W….well….I went out for…..for a smoke and…and…." I breathed in deeply before I carried on, "…There was someone out there! Someone that knew me! They called my name only I couldn't see anyone!"  
"I didn't see anyone either!" Adam said, looking concerned, "Bec, tell me to mind my own here but do you have reason to believe someone is maybe following you? I mean the thing in the airport with Jeff? And now out there in the lot?"  
"It's a long story but yes someone from my past, someone I thought had gone for good! I think they're back!"  
"Ok I'm gonna go get Matt!" he stood up urgently , "Stay here and…"  
"No don't leave me! I'll come with you!"  
Adam led me back to the locker room & the minute Matt saw my face he stopped what he was doing & came to me. I just threw my arms around his neck & burst into tears!  
"What the hell happened?" He said as he stroked my hair & tried to calm me down!  
"I found her in the parking lot, she says someone was out there, someone from her past or something?"  
Matt lifted my head up, "What's goin on?"  
I gulped & tried to calm down. "I…..I was having a smoke…and….and…I heard someone say my….my name bu…..but I couldn't see anyone & I got scared & when I turned around I…….I ran into Adam!" The tears came again & he pulled my head back to his chest.  
"Ok! OK! It's ok now! Thanks Adam!"  
"No worries! I'll erm…catch you later then! I hope you're ok Bec?" I just nodded into Matt's chest & mumbled a quick thankyou before he left.  
"It's ok now! Come on I'm here now! You're ok!" He soothed me & stroked my hair. "It was probably just the wind babe! If you couldn't see anyone then maybe you just got scared and freaked out a little?"  
I sighed, "I heard it Matt I swear I heard someone say my name more than once!!"  
Matt squeezed me tighter. "Ok! Ok! Come on, let's get you back to the hotel. You must be warn out after today!" He smiled, "Sitting next to Brendan Frasier huh?" He lifted my chin & I looked at him through my tears, "huh?" He smiled, so I forced a smile back at him.  
"Yeah! Let's go."  
  
I didn't say much in the car. I looked out of the window into the black night & wondered who the hell was out there in the dark, waiting for me to be alone. I bit on my lip as the tears threatened to come again. I was so determined the bastard wasn't going to get me this time! I didn't think Matt believed me, it wasn't his fault, God knows he tried with me, but sometimes he just didn't think that's all. He figured I was just having another 'relapse', the way I acted with the cologne & the pajamas hadn't exactly helped my case for sanity!! If I wasn't careful here he'd have me to see the WWE shrink the way I was carrying on! The more I thought about it the more I started to think maybe he was right? Especially since I'd only just had that conversation with Jeff, maybe it was possible that my mind was playing tricks on me? Maybe I did need to see the shrink after all?  
  
I didn't sleep much that night at all! I kept trying to tell myself that Matt was right & I was imagining everything, freaking out at the slightest little thing! But at the back of my mind there was still a part of me that believed Steve was out there & he was out to get me! Most of the night was spent sitting in the window seat looking down at the city below, or watching Matt as he slept. My mind wandered here there & everywhere & most of the time I was either thinking about 50 different things all at once, or thinking about nothing at all! I tried to concentrate on Matt, I watched his chest move up & down & listened to him breathing. I studied his face, he was so unbelievably gorgeous & I couldn't for one minute believe he was with me!! It was times like this, when I was alone with my thoughts, usually in the dead of night, that I wished that just one time I knew how he felt about me for certain. I told him I loved him more times than I could count but sometimes I just needed something back, something solid to grasp onto. I just wanted him to love me. Even if he just told me once in his whole life, at least I would always have that one time! He stirred slightly & I couldn't resist getting back into bed to snuggle up to him! I took off his shirt that I was wearing & got into bed beside him. He didn't wear anything to sleep in & that feeling of skin on skin was something I really needed right then. I just wanted to be close to him. I lay my head on his chest & he stirred again, putting his arm around me & squeezing me to him. It was 3:30am the last time I looked at the clock. 


	20. Chapter 20

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 20  
  
The next day was supposed to be Matt's day off, but his cell phone rang at 8:30am, Shane McMahon asking if he would do a couple of P.A.'s inn town as Brock had to go & see a specialist. Of course Matt agreed and Adam picked him up at 10am, leaving me alone in the hotel room. He did ask if I wanted to go along with him but the mere thought of being surrounded by so many people all clammering for autographs made me cringe! I just couldn't face it! To be honest the fact that Matt would be giving his attention to so many people while I stood there in the background being ignored, being nobody, had a lot to do with my reason for not going with him! It was a completely stupid emotion, jealousy! Don't get me wrong, I wasn't jealous of Matt's carreer or his fame & money, I was jealous of the fans, the people he devoted his life to. It sounds pathetic when I think about it now but I just couldn't help my feelings. I was insecure & although he didn't give me any reason to be, he didn't exactly give me reason not to be either!  
By 10:15am I'd read the same paragraph of some stupid woman's magazine that I found lying around 6 times! By 10:30am I'd drank 2 cans of Pepsi & a small bottle of water. By 10:45am I'd made the bed twice and rearranged all the little bottles in the mini refrigerator! By 11am I'd had enough & decided to go & try to find Jeff before the hotel hired me as a maid! I was pretty sure Matt had mentioned Jeff's room was 3 doors down the corridor so as I knocked on that door I just prayed I'd heard right!  
Thankfully I had & Jeff answered the door in jeans & no shirt with a towel in his hand drying his hair!  
"Oh er…I'll come back later, sorry!" I turned to leave.  
"Hey no! Come in! I was only drying my hair, I'm not busy!"  
Jeff smiled & stepped aside, gesturing for me to go in so I did! "So where's Matt?" He said as he sat down on the bed & put the towel over his head.  
"Work!" I said a little too depressingly! "Um Shane called, he had to go do some autograph session with Adam & Shannon!"  
"Ah right! So nothing to do then huh?" He took the towel off his head & grinned at me!  
"Ok!Ok! I admit it! I was going out of my mind with boredom so yes you are being used to save my sanity!"  
"Ha! Well you've come to the wrong person for that then!" Jeff laughed & then his face became more serious, "So, what happened at the arena last night?"  
I rolled my eyes! "Your brother has a big mouth!"  
"Ah see that's where you're wrong cause it was Adam that told me!" He patted the bed beside him & I sat down. "But I take it from that comment that Matt knows all about it now?"  
"Yeah…well…no actually not all of it!"  
Jeff raised his eyebrows, "So which parts does he know….exactly?"  
I looked away, "Well he only kinda knows about last night…" Jeff sighed, "But he doesn't NEED to know Jeff! He already thinks I'm psycho please don't make him have me committed!"  
"Ok! Ok!" Jeff held up his hands, "So what did he say about last night and what exactly happened anyway?"  
I proceeded to tell Jeff what had happened when I'd gone outside for a smoke in the parking lot. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end as I recalled that voice!  
"…..So then Adam took me back to the locker room & Matt….well Matt thinks it was the wind!" I sighed.  
"Hmm….a whisper in the wind!"  
"THAT is not even funny Hardy!"  
"I know! I know! I'm sorry!" Jeff smiled, "Still, it's weird though!"  
"Tell me about it!"  
"No I mean a whisper in the wind!"  
"Jeff I already said that wasn't funny man!"  
Jeff turned to me, "No I'm not trying to be funny….and I could be way off the mark here, but who did they try to frame for this the first time?"  
"I don't know what you……ooooh right! But come on Jeff, not even Steve is as smart as to connect that with a whisper in the wind!"  
"Hmm maybe you're right but it's something to bare in mind! Just incase!"  
"Hmm yeah I guess!"  
"So, do you think it is him, Steve I mean?"  
"Yeah I do!" I looked at my feet, "It all makes sense, he's out to get me for having his sorry ass thrown in jail!"  
"So," Jeff paused, "what did the cop say?" I just looked away. "Ok!" Jeff stood up & went to the bedside cabinet. He came back to me & thrust his cell phone under my nose. I took it from him & just looked at it. "Don't know the number?"  
"No." I said quietly.  
"Ok.." He took the phone from me & pushed a couple of buttons then held it to his ear. "Hey Pops it's me!……….Yeah everything's fine! You?….good!…..Yes he's fine!….Dad listen have you erm got the number for the police station?….no no nothing's wrong! I just…erm I kinda thought one of the sergant's was cute!…..YES IT'S A GIRL DAD! Jeez!" Jeff rolled his eyes & I laughed quietly. He jotted down the number and said his goodbyes to his dad and then he sat back down next to me. He punched in the number on his cell phone, pressed call & handed me the phone! I just looked at it! "Go on!" he said as he waved the phone at me again. I reluctantly took the phone from his hand & held it to my ear.  
"Hello Cameron Police department." I gulped,   
"Erm…hello! I was wondering if I could speak to um….Sgt Smithurst please?"  
"Hold the line please!" there was a series of beeps as I was patched through to Smithurst's desk & I looked up at the celing. Jeff took hold of my hand and squeezed it tightly.  
"Hello?"  
"Yes!"  
"I'm sorry Ma'am, Sgt Smithurst isn't at her desk right now, could I take a message?"  
"Oh erm…hang on!" I took the phone away from my ear, "She's not there! Should I leave a message?"  
"Yes leave a message you dork!"  
"Um can you get her to call…er…" Jeff pointed to himself, "erm…Jeff Hardy, on…" Jeff mouthed his number & I repeated it, "Yes today if possible! Or just as soon as she can! It's regarding a previous case she was involved in! Ok thankyou!" 


	21. Chapter 21

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 21  
  
"So?"  
"Well I left a message we'll just have to wait and see I guess!" I handed him his phone back, he still hadn't let go of my hand & I was so greatful he was there to support me!  
"It'll be ok y'know?"  
I looked up into his eyes & tears started to well up in my own. "I thought,…" I sighed, "I thought this was over Jeff! I don't think I can take this again…I feel…" he pulled me close & put his arms around me, "I feel so scared & lost! Like this is happening to someone else & I'm just watching it on a TV screen!"  
"Hey come on! Shhh!" he stroked my hair, "It's ok! He can't get to you this time I promise!"  
I pulled my head off his shoulder & looked at him through my tears, "How can you promise that? You can't possibly promise me that!"  
"Hey come on Bec! I'm not about to sit back & let this happen to you! I just…..I won't leave your side if that's what it takes to nail this son of a bitch!"  
I smiled, "You are so not coming into the bathroom with me!" I laughed a little through my sobs & Jeff smiled.  
"Yeah & I think Matt might have something to say about me sharing a bed with the two of you!"  
  
I let out another laugh & then sniffed. "Thank you Jeff!"  
"Hey I won't pretend I'm doing this ALL for you! I want to get my hands on that bastard for purely selfish reasons as well!"  
I wiped my face, "Yeah I know! He was your friend, you're bound to feel this way!" I sniffed again.  
"Ok let's get out of this damn room!" He stood up & went to his suitcase for a shirt.  
"And go where exactly?"  
"I dunno. Anywhere but in here or I'm going to go as crazy…..as….as a pet coon!" he grinned.  
"A what?" I chuckled.  
"A pet coon? A raccoon? Ah it doesn't matter it's one of JR's saying!" he laughed.  
"Reckon I'm going to have to start watching Raw!" I stood up, "Oh Jeff let me just go & get my jacket from my room! Won't be long!"  
"Hang on I'll come with you!" he said hopping as he tried to put his other boot on!  
"I'll only be a minute! I'll meet you in the hall!"  
Before he could protest I went out of the door & back to my own room. I went and did a quick spruce up in the mirror before I unleashed myself on the world & heard Jeff coming in behind me.  
"I'm in the bathroom! Won't be a tick!"  
I straightened my hair & clothes & went to get my jacket. "Man it didn't take you long to follow…." I looked around the room, "Jeff?" There was no one there! I got goose bumps all over my body as my eyes darted around the room. "Jeff?" I said again quietly, but I knew he wasn't there! Deep down I knew it wasn't Jeff that had followed me into the room but I prayed I was wrong! My heart speeded up & I tried not to breathe so I could listen for any sounds that would indicate I wasn't alone. My legs felt like lead as I slowly took a step towards the bed, then I noticed something on my pillow, it looked wet! I carefully edged my way around the bed & lifted the pillow to my face. The smell instantly hit the back of my throat & made me gag & I threw the pillow onto the bed. It was Tommy! I started to shake from head to toe & then my body took over my mind & before I knew it I'd grabbed my jacket & had one arm in it as I headed for the door! I had the jacket on as Jeff stepped into the room & I reached into my pocket for my key to lock the door.  
"Let's go! Just get out of here right now!" I grabbed Jeff's arm & dragged him out of the door, slamming it behind us quickly.  
"What's goin on….Bec , what have you done to yourself?" Jeff grabbed my hand & held it up so I could see it. It was red, deep red & droplets stained my jacket.   
"I….I haven't done anything Jeff…..it's not…Oh GOD!" I looked down & saw my jacket covered in red sticky liquid. "Shit Jeff!" I started to panick, "It's in my pocket!! There's something in my pocket!! Oh Jesus! OH God!"  
Jeff dragged my quickly back to his room & slammed the door. "Ok calm down!"  
"Fuck! Aw fuck Jeff get it out!!" I screamed & jumped up & down!  
"Ok! Ok!" Jeff placed both of his hands on my shoulders to stop me from jumping around. "But I have a feeling it's not what you think it is!" he reached into my pocket.  
"Oh shit! I'm gonna puke Jeff!" I squeezed my eyes shut, "What is it? What the fuck is it? I don't wanna see! I don't wanna…"  
"Open your eyes!"  
"I can't!"  
"Open your eyes Bec!" slowly I opened my eyes as Jeff held up the broken bottle of Manick Panick hair dye!  
"Wha…..wha…" I stammered. "Manick Panick?" I stared in disbelief!  
Jeff looked at his feet where red splodges were appearing on the carpet. "It aint just any bottle of Manick Bec!"  
"What do you mean?"  
"Erm…look at my hair!" Jeff was almost shouting! When I looked at his hair I saw that it was red! He'd dyed it red!! "What's the bets that…" he went into the bathroom, "Yup!" I followed him in, "It's my bottle!" He threw his hands up in the air then threw the smashed bottle into the bin & put his hands on his hips!  
"Oh…"  
"Yeah, I left it right there!" he pointed to the counter beside the sink.  
"Oh!" I gulped again.  
"I'm gonna kill the bastard!"  
"No Jeff you're not killing anyone!" I looked at my jacket, my hands it was even in my hair when I'd rubbed my hands through it not realizing! Everything was blood red!  
"I knew I recognized the smell!"  
"The smell!" My eyes widened, "Jeff go back to my room & smell my pillow!"  
"Excuse me?"  
"I'm serious! Smell my pillow & tell me what it smells like! Please?!"  
Jeff started to wash his hands. "Jesus ok! I'll go sniff your pillow but if Matt comes in my ass is grass!"  
"Just do it!" I pushed him out of the bathroom & started to clean myself up. God this stuff looked just like blood! I was still shaking as I took off my jacket & threw it into the bin in the bathroom. The stuff was all over one side of my shirt & jeans. I rolled my eyes & sat on the side of the bath trying to take it all in! I looked at my hands which were still stained red with one dribble that ran all the way to my elbow! I looked in the mirror at the patch of my hair, which would now be dyed red & the tears threatened to come again but I took a deep breath & held them at bay! I gathered up my shirt & ran the stained part under the tap but the more I tried to wash it out the worse it became until almost all of shirt was pink!  
"Ok it smells of erm.." Jeff walked into the bathroom, "What ARE you trying to do?"  
"What does my pillow smell of?"  
"It smells of shampoo with a feint undertone of your perfume and since when did you start to wear Channel Number 5?  
"Cute! Very cute!" I snapped, as I attempted to wring the water out of my shirt, getting less scared & more angry by the minute! "Matt bought me it at the airport and since when did you start to notice my perfume?" I grabbed a towel & tried to dry off. Jeff leaned against the doorframe & grinned.  
"That's beside the point, what was it meant to smell of?"  
"Tommy Hillfiger….dammit I'll never get this out! Go get me a shirt from my case will you? I don't want to go back in there!"  
Jeff rolled his eyes, "I'll lend you one of mine!" He walked into the bedroom & bent down to look in his case.  
"You have hair dye all over your ass!" I said as I came out of the bathroom. Jeff tried to turn around to see it.  
"Aww shit!" he said when he finally saw it, "Anyway since when did you start to notice my ass!" he grinned.  
"Oh SHUT UP JEFF!" 


	22. Chapter 22

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 22  
  
About 20 minutes later I found myself sitting in a café drinking coffee with Jeff.  
"I wish she would just call you back!" I said as I looked out of the window at the busy Boston street.  
"Yeah well maybe we should call her again, after we've had this coffee?" Jeff leaned back & put his arm over the back of the seat next to him.  
"Yeah maybe!" I took another sip from my cup & as I lowered it back to the table I noticed how bad my hands were shaking! "You know what scares me the most?"  
"What's that?"  
"That it isn't Steve at all!"  
"Oh come on Bec it has to be him! I mean what's the chances of this happening to the same person again?"  
"Yeah well this is me we're talking about here! This shit seems to follow me around!"  
We sat in silence for a while. It wasn't an awkward silence, it was just that we had nothing else to say to each other! We'd exhausted every possibility & now we were left with nothing! After a while Jeff spoke again.  
"Why was your pillow meant to smell like Tommy?" He wrinkled his nose up.  
I shook my head, "It doesn't matter now." I looked down at the table.  
"Hey come on!" He reached over & took my hand, "It matters to me!"  
I gulped, "Well see Jeff it's like this, when I left the room that pillow didn't just smell of Tommy it was soaked in it! I mean literally dripping wet! Then you go back in there & nothing!" I sat back in my seat & let go of his hand. "I'm kinda starting to believe that yes I am INDEED losing my God Damn mind so thank you Steve cause whatever little games you are playing they are working big style!! I am going crazy!" I put a hand to my forehead.  
"I don't believe you're going crazy! The bastard just got smarter in jail! I don't know how he's doing it but I do know you're not crazy! HELL!" he leaned forward, "I don't know how he got into my room to get the manick but I know that he did it somehow & I certainly don't believe I'm losing my mind!"  
I leaned forward to face him over the table, "I can't take much more Jeff! Y'know the new & improved Bec I was boasting about in the locker room the other day? Well I think she took a hike when she saw that stuff in my jacket pocket!"  
Jeff laughed, "Yeah like she was ever there to begin with!"  
"Well, I tried!" I smiled. His cell phone rang & we both looked at each other!  
"Ok calm down!" Jeff took my hand as he punched the answer button on his cell. "Hello, Jeff Hardy!" I held my breath. "Yes that's right we did leave a message!" My heart pounded in my chest. "Oh right, well I'm sorry to hear that!" I looked at Jeff & frowned. "Yes I understand, of course." He glanced at me then looked back at the table & squeezed my hand. "How bad is it?" My mind raced! How bad was what? And who was he talking to anyway? "Yes ok! Is there someone else who could help us? Yeah….yes that would be good! Today if possible please?" He gave me another quick glance, "Ok thank you! Bye." He switched off the cell phone.  
"Well what did they say?"  
Jeff bit on his lip & then turned & took my other hand as well, "Sgt Smithurst was injured in a road accident earlier this morning!"  
"What? Oh my God! Is she dead?"  
"No no she's in hospital, pretty bad by the sounds of things!"  
"Oh Christ that's awful!"  
"Yeah…..anyway they are going to get someone else to call us back!"  
"Oh right so that's it then huh? More waiting around!"  
"I guess, listen I've been thinking maybe you should tell Matt!"  
"No! I can't do that!"  
"He has to know Bec! If Steve is pulling this shit then maybe Matt's safety could be in danger too!"  
"Oh Jesus Jeff don't even say that!"  
"Look, "he sighed, "It's up to you but I kinda feel like I'm lying to him! Don't you feel that way too?"  
"Of course I do! Jesus of I thought for one minute that he'd believe me then I would tell him! But he thinks I'm losing the plot already! I can see it in his eyes whenever he looks at me and if I tell him all of this then I am going to lose him do you understand?"  
Jeff bit on his lip, "Ok I won't say anything if you don't want me to!"   
"Thank you!"  
"You really do love the idiot don't you?" Jeff laughed.   
"Yeah," I smiled, "I guess I really do!"  
Jeff smiled & then rubbed his face with both of his hands & nodded. "I guess that's that then!" he said more to himself than to me!  
"That's what?"  
"Oh…erm…like you said, we'll just have to wait for the phone call!"  
I looked into his eyes & I knew that's not what he had meant! I smiled & took his hand, "Thank you!" He nodded again, "No Jeff really I mean it! Thank you!" There was a flash of unspoken recognition between us & he smiled & shrugged his shoulders. I was greatful that he had decided 'That was that!' because no matter how much I was in love with Mat, there was just some unexplainable connection with his younger brother that I couldn't deny. Eventually I would have found it difficult to refuse him, but now, without saying a word I guess we had agreed that….well….that was that! 


	23. Chapter 23

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 23  
  
We wandered around the shops for a while just to kill time while we waited for the phone to ring! Jeff bought a couple of shirts but I wasn't really in the mood for a shopping spree, I couldn't take my mind of Steve, or Mick for that matter! My mind wandered back to the conversation I'd had with mum, there was something she wasn't telling me & it was driving me crazy! I just had no idea what it could be! I was sitting in yet another shop waiting for Jeff who was trying on yet another shirt! My thoughts were interrupted when he came out of the changing room.  
"Well, what do you think?"  
I looked up to see him wearing the ugliest yellow shirt I'd ever seen! "Well um it's pretty disgusting actually!" I wrinkled my nose!  
"Great!" Jeff smiled, "I'll buy it then!" he walked back into the changing room & I shook my head & smiled! I got up & wandered to the window, the street was full of people, most of them struggling with huge bags full of the latest bargains! I envied them! I wanted my life to be like that, carefree, nothing to worry about except the credit card bill! I sighed. I felt pretty damn sorry for myself at that moment! I also felt sorry for Matt & Jeff, once again they'd been dragged into my shit, whether they realized it or not! I folded my arms and leaned out so I could look up at the sky, it looked dark & rain drops started to appear on the window pane. I watched as the people outside began to quicken their pace & umberellas appeared everywhere! Great! And here was me without even a jacket! I continued to watch everyone go past the window, fascinated by each face that flashed into view, young, old and…….and Mick! I jumped back & blinked! But it couldn't have been! Without even thinking I rushed out into the street & looked around but I couldn't see him! People just seemed to bounce off me as they hurried past in the rain. I looked around me again and started to run along the street! He had to be out here I knew I'd seen him! Frantically I whirled around & around, rain dripping off my face & soaking my hair. I tried to wipe it out of my eyes, I couldn't see properly, couldn't focus on anything! Some people gave me strange looks & when I think about what I must have looked like, soaked to the skin in an over sized Jeff Hardy shirt, I don't blame them for staring! I must have looked like an escaped lunatic!  
"BEC!" I looked to see Jeff running along the street towards me, "Bec! What are you doing?" He reached out & grabbed both of my arms.  
"I……I saw Mick!" My teeth were chattering & water dripped off my nose! Jeff guided me through the crowds of people & into a shop doorway.  
"Where? Where did you see him?"  
"Outs…side the shop! Through the window!"  
"Are you sure you saw him?"  
"Y….yes! No….well…" I sighed, "I don't know!"  
Jeff looked worried! He looked around at the people in the street & then back to me, "Look at you you're soaked!" He took off his jacket & put it around my shoulders, "Come on let's get back to the hotel before you catch pneumonia!"  
"Wanna share?" I lifted the jacket up over my head & Jeff ducked underneath it & together we ran back to the hotel.  
  
When we got into reception I stood back & let Jeff convince the manager to let us change rooms! I was soaked to the skin & shivering & I don't know how he did it but he even managed to get us a coffee while we waited for our stuff to be moved to different rooms! While we sat in the lounge drinking coffee he explained how he'd paid for the damage to both carpets & that seemed to sweeten them up a little!  
"Well at least let me pay for half!"  
"Hell no! Forget about it! It's done now, paid for, so lets just pretend it didn't happen!"  
I smiled, "Thanks Jeff! I don't know how we're gonna explain the room change to Matt though!"  
"Leave it to me I'll think of something!"  
I took another sip of my coffee, my clothes were stuck to me & I was freezing! "God I'm cold! I wish they'd hurry up with the rooms! I can't wait to get in that shower!"  
Jeff nodded, "Me too! I think I'm shrinking!" he laughed.   
'Jeff, I just want to say thank you, for everything! I couldn't have done this on my own!"  
"No worries! No need to thank me either! I want the bastard back in jail as much as you do!"  
I nodded, "If it is Steve at all!"  
"Are you sure you saw Mick out there today?"  
"Pretty sure, it was only for a split second but dammit Jeff he looked right at me!"  
"Mr hardy, your rooms are ready sir!"  
"At last!" Jeff smiled at the young girl in the hotel uniform. "Thank you very much!"  
"It's rooms 205 & 206!" She said, smiling as she handed him the keys.  
"Thanks!" he said, completely blind to the obvious flirting on the girl's part!  
"So will there be anything else sir?" she smiled again.  
"No, I don't think so! Thank you!" He walked right past her & to the elevator! As I passed her she looked a little deflated that her charms had appeared to have had no affect on him what so ever! I smiled & just shrugged my shoulders. She looked at me as if she didn't know what I could possibly mean!! I reached the elevator & shook my head at Jeff!  
"What?" he said as he pressed the button for the second floor.  
"You're hopeless you know that?" I laughed.   
"Now what have I done?"  
"Well, could you not tell she was about to throw herself at your feet there?"  
"Oh that!"  
"You mean you DID notice?"  
"Sure I did! But well I guess I'm a little warey these days!"  
"What do you mean?"  
"Well I mean are they seeing me or the bright lights y'know?" The doors opened & we stepped out. "I tend not to pay much attention to it to be honest!"  
I looked at him as we walked along the corridor. "That's a shame Jeff! Really maybe you shouldn't think like that!"  
"HA! I didn't used to! I thought hey chicks think I'm a nice guy! But I quickly learned on more than one occasion that all they wanted me to do was take them to Wrestlemania along with 50 of their closest friends!!" he laughed, "Here we are!" He handed me the key to 205.  
"Chicks do think you're a nice guy Jeff!" I smiled, "I think you're a nice guy!" I stretched up & kissed him on the cheek.  
"Yeah well it doesn't exactly count when you're humping my brother!" he winked & went inside!  
I turned the key & went into 205. I picked up one of the bags on the bed & looked inside then rolled my eyes & went back out into the corridor. Jeff was just coming out of the room next door, we laughed, swapped keys & I went into 206 instead! 


	24. Chapter 24

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 24  
  
I'd only been in my room for 5 minutes when there was a knock on the door. I'd taken off one soaking shoe so I hobbled over to answer it & found Matt standing in the corridor!  
"You'll have to try harder to get rid of me!" he smiled.  
"Come in you idiot!" I laughed.  
"They gave me the damn key to 205! I just walked in on my brother in his jocks!" Matt shuddered & I laughed, "Jeff says you saw a rat?"  
"Huh?" I said as I sat on the edge of the bed trying to pull off the other shoe! Matt dumped his jacket on the floor & knelt down to help me.  
"A rat? In the other room?"  
"Oh um yeah I think I did!"  
Matt tugged my shoe off & threw it on the floor. "Dunno why he's so bothered about them, that damn prarie dog of his is just an overgrown rat!" He smiled & knelt up between my legs, "I missed you today!" he kissed me, "Man you are soaking….what's this?" he tugged at the shit I was wearing.  
"Oh um I spilled erm…coffee on my other shirt while they were moving the stuff up to this room, so I didn't have a spare but Jeff had this one um in the car!" I smiled sweetly trying to cover up my blatant lie!  
"Oh right!" Matt didn't seem convinced!  
"Yeah but I need to take a shower! We got caught in the storm & I'm freezing!" I kissed him again & stood up, pulling the wet shirt over my head & throwing it at him. "Here! You can use it to clean your boots!!" I laughed.  
Matt shook his head & smiled, "Hey want me to come wash your back?" he grinned.  
"No thanks!" I smiled & his face dropped, "But you can come & hold the soap for me if ya want!" I giggled & ran into the bathroom & Matt jumped up & followed me in.  
We didn't have sex, well not fully! I just couldn't do it, not after I thought I'd seen Mick in town! I was devastated that maybe I was back to square one! We did fool around & Matt seemed ok with that, I figured he'd gone so long without sex that he probably didn't even notice!  
We got dressed & while Matt was sorting out his laundry I laid on the bed & stretched out! It felt so good to be warm & dry again & I could've quite happily curled up & gone to sleep for a week! Matt crawled on the bed & leaned his head on my chest. "Got any laundry cause I'm going downstairs with this lot?"   
"Oh those sweet nothing's you whisper!" I laughed, "Domesticated too! What a catch!" Matt prodded me playfully. "Yeah it's in a bag somewhere!" I yawned.  
"I don't wanna move!" Matt snuggled his head into my breast & I giggled. "Man you should've seen the kids there today, it was manick!"  
"Mmmm." I mumbled.  
"There was this one girl almost peed her pants over Adam! Man he didn't know what to do! She was a wreck poor kid, totally freaking out!" he laughed.  
"Poor Adam!" I smiled, "Go on then go do the laundry! And please don't turn my knickers blue!"  
Matt laughed, "Well you could always do it?"  
"Aww nooo I'm too knackered!"  
"What have you been up to today then?"  
"Oh nothin' much, sat around clothes shops while your brother tried on shirts mostly!" I laughed, "Oh and stood around while he was accosted by little girlies wanting his autograph!"  
"Yeah?"  
"Yeah! Oh but the highlight of the day was helping him to pick out nail varnish!!"  
"God he is such a freak!" Matt laughed. "Ok well I guess since you had to spend the day with the space monkey next door then I suppose I could go turn your knickers blue!" he got off the bed.  
"OY! HARDY! Come back here a minute!"  
"That sounds promising!" he grinned & got back on the bed. "How can I be of service?"  
"Kiss me! I've missed you!"  
He kissed my lips softly, "I've missed you too!"  
"I love you!" I smiled.  
He smiled & kissed me again, "Well I guess this laundry ain't gonna do its self!" he stood up.  
"Yeah I guess." I sighed. He left a couple of minutes later & I rolled over on the bed & looked out of the window. It was still pouring down outside & I sighed again. I should just stop telling him I loved him! It felt like every time I did tell him I just got shot down & I didn't know why I even bothered!  
I was dozing off on the bed when I suddenly remembered the phone call & my eyes snapped wide open. I got off the bed & dragged my tired legs out of the door to Jeff's room. I knocked & he shouted that it was open so I went inside & closed the door behind me. He was stretched out on his front on the bed writing something & thankfully as Matt put it his Jocks were well hidden!!  
"Only me!" I said as I stood in the entrance to the room.  
"Hello me!" Jeff smiled & sat up, putting the open & pad of paper to one side. "You feeling any better now?"  
I folded my arms across my chest, "Not much! I'm still a bit freaked! Have you had a phone call yet?"  
He shook his head. "Nope, not heard a thing sorry!" I sighed & rolled my eyes. "Come & sit down!" I sat next to him on the bed, bent one knee up & hugged my leg with both arms! It was then I noticed I hadn't even put any shoes on! God maybe I was losing the damn plot!  
"Do you think we should call them back then?"  
"Nah I think someone will call when they have the time, try not to worry yeah?"  
I sighed again, "I'm so scared Jeff!" he took hold of my hand, "I'm scared for me & I'm scared that he's gonna hurt you or Matt! I just feel so useless! I don't know what to do!"  
"Hey come on! He's not going to hurt any of us! Trust me I won't let that happen & neither will Matt!"  
"What if…." I paused & turned to look at him, "What if it's just me Jeff?"  
"I don't get you?"  
"Well I'm starting to think that maybe it's me, maybe I'm imagining it all, going crazy or something?"  
"TIME OUT!!" Jeff shook his head! "That's not possible because if it is then I'm just as crazy as you are because I saw the damn manic everywhere and I don't believe for a second that you're any crazier than I am!"  
"Oh great! I definitely need a shrink then!" I smiled.  
"Watch it!" Jeff nudged me playfully.  
Just then the cell phone rang on the bedside cabinet & we just looked at each other. "You wanna answer it?" I shook my head so he reached over the bed & grabbed the phone.  
"Hello? Yes this is Jeff Hardy!" I gulped & reached for his free hand. "Yes that's right it was regarding a case she handled a few months back." "Yeah sure it was…" My mind went into overdrive as I listened to Jeff recall the details of everything that had happened back in Cameron. He squeezed my hand tightly & I was so glad I wasn't doing this alone! "Well we were wondering if you could possibly tell us if he's still in jail, his name is….yes I understand that but we have reason to bel……yes sir I do understand but if you'd just let me exp…..but we aren't in Cameron right now & we wont be back for 3 weeks….but I'm trying to tell you there could be some danger here if you don't tell us where he is!" He let go of my hand & stood up, running his fingers through his hair. "Sir I appreciate that really I do but this is very impor….yeah? Well thanks for nothin' asshole!!" he threw the phone onto the bed & rubbed his face.  
"He wouldn't tell you?"  
"Nope! Fucking jackass says it's privillaged information that he can't possibly give out over the phone!" I bit on my lip, "Son of a bitch wouldn't even let me explain!" He sat down beside me, "I'm sorry!"  
"It's not your fault Jeff!"  
"He said if we could go in person then maybe they could help us but until then…" he shrugged his shoulders.  
"I guess ahh…" I looked to the celing to try & hide the tears but I blinked and one fell down my cheek. "We'll just have to wait until we go….." Jeff took me in his arms as the tears started to stream down my face & I sobbed into his chest. 


	25. Chapter 25

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 25  
  
When I'd calmed down I stayed in his arms, I just wanted to bury my head into his shirt & go to sleep until it was time to go home. I felt drained & I felt useless and although Jeff's arms were comforting I just wished they were Matt's! Don't get me wrong I was so greatful for Jeff, he'd been such a huge support to me the past few days & I'd never be able to thank him enough for everything he'd done, especially considering the way I'd treated him in the past, I never would have thought it would turn out this way! But I needed Matt! I needed him to be doing exactly what his younger brother was doing! I almost laughed out loud when the thought crossed my mind that I seemed to be having one relationship with two people! Jeff giving me all the emotional help & support I needed & I just went back to Matt for the physical side! This was not how I wanted it to be, my perfect man turning into two perfect men! I snuggled my head down into his chest & as his arms moved up & down my back all I wanted to do was sleep! I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer!  
When I woke up it was dark, I was lying on the bed & I was alone. It took me a few seconds to realize where I was but it all came back to me, sitting here on this bed with my boyfriend's brother, how I felt so safe in his arms & how the way he smelled comforted me in someway. I decided to go back to my own room & maybe try & put some distance between me & Jeff for a couple of days. It was getting dangerous & it didn't feel right!  
When I opened the door to my room I found it was almost bursting at the seams with wrestlers! I had to smile at them all crammed on the bed or sprawled out on the floor!  
"Um…hi…erm…everyone!" I said as I walked into the room & they all turned to look at me! There was a 'Hey!' or 'Hi Bec!' from each of them & Matt stood up and gave me a hug! "Why didn't you wake me?"  
"Oh you looked like you needed the rest so….anyway I hope you don't mind some of the guys coming over…"  
"No not at all!" To say some of the guys was an understatement though, it looked like the entire Smackdown rosta was in that room! I went to the bed & budged Adam up so I could sit down! "So, what are you guys doing anyway?"  
"Playstation 2!" Adam grinned at me then went back to frantically pressing the buttons on his control pad!  
"Ahh….right! Boys & their toys huh?" I smiled.  
"You want a beer?" I looked up to see Jay rummaging in the fridge! Everyone else seemed to have a bottle in their hand so I figured what the hell & Jay opened a bottle & passed it to me.  
"Don't you guys get into trouble for drinking on the job?"  
"Only if they don't invite the boss!" Shane said as he walked through the door carrying 2 cases of beer! There was various shouts of 'SHANE!' and 'SHANE MY MAN!' and a chant of 'SHANE O!' and I had to laugh as he took a bow & handed the cases of beer to Matt!  
About half an hour and 3 beers later as I stood leaning on the wall surveying the mess there was a tap on my shoulder & I turned to see Dwayne grinning at me!  
"You have a good time at the show the other night?"  
"Hey Dwayne! Yeah did I? Man I wanted to say thank you! It was awesome meeting Brendan!" I smiled.  
"No problem! You just seemed a little oh I dunno…"  
  
"Lost? Out of it? Lonely?" I raised my eyebrows.  
"Well…um…"  
"It's ok!" I laughed, "I was feeling a little sorry for myself so thanks!"  
"I didn't mean to sound…" There was a huge shout as Adam kicked Shane's ass at Mortal Kombat & we both winced!  
"It's ok!" I shouted "I had a ball! And erm…be sure to keep me in mind if you ever invite Ohed Fehr!" I puffed out my cheeks & whistled!  
"Hey don't let Matt hear you talking like that!" he laughed.  
"Oh I'm sure he wouldn't mind!" I smiled then under my breath I said "Or care!" I turned away but Dwayne caught my arm.  
"Is everything ok?" he wrinkled his brow.  
"What? Oh yeah! Ignore me! Too many beers!" I shook the bottle in his face. I looked over at Matt who was sprawled out on the floor engrossed in the Adam/Shane rematch & laughing hysterically at something! Then I looked up at Jeff who was sitting on his own, on the chair in the corner, peeling the label off his beer bottle! He looked up & gave me a half-smile & I quickly turned to see Dwayne had been watching the whole time! He looked at Jeff then at me and then at the floor.   
"That's why I don't touch the stuff myself!" he pointed to my bottle of beer. "Wanna take a walk?" he raised his eyebrows.  
"Oh…erm….no….well….."  
"HEY MATT!" Matt looked up, "Just going to get some more water! I'm resucing Bec from all the testosterone in here!" he laughed.  
Matt nodded slowly, "Oh right ok!" As we got to the door he shouted, "But be sure to keep Rocky locked in his cage!"  
"Yeah yeah!" Dwayne almost dragged me out of the room.  
As we walked to the elevator he said, "So what's goin' on?"  
"Nothing why?" we reached the elevator & I stopped but he kept going. "Hey where are we going?" He opened the door to a room & held it open. I walked towards him & hesitated at the entrance.  
"Come on! I won't bite I've already eaten!" He smiled & I looked around to see if anyone was watching me go into his room but the corridors were empty. "Come on! I promise I've taken the pills & Rocky aint coming out to play tonight!" he laughed & I relaxed a little & went inside, he followed me & closed the door. "Have a seat!" he gestured to a chair & I sat down while he went to the fridge, "What do you drink?" he said as he clanked some bottles together.  
"Oh nothing thanks!!" I nervously figited with my hands in my lap.  
"Aww come on you look like you need one! Beer?"  
"Sure why not!" he passed me a bottle then sat down on the edge of the bed opposite me.  
"So.." he opened another bottle of water he'd gotten from the fridge & took a gulp, "You looked like you needed to talk?"  
"Um no really I'm fine!"  
"Ok see it's like this, now I'm gonna be honest with you here & if I get a slap in the face then well I deserved it!" he smiled, "I know you don't really know me all that much & you're probably thinking I'm a bit of a mental case for dragging you in here but….well see Matt is a friend of mine, quite a good friend, well he is now anyway …." He smiled, "I'm rambling! Excuse me!"  
"That's ok! I do that a lot these days!!" I laughed & gulped down some beer.  
"Anyway so I kinda think that makes you a friend too If you catch my drift? You with me so far?"  
I smiled & nodded, "yeah I think so!"  
"Ok so, you said something I don't think I was supposed to hear, only I did hear…" he paused, "…and then, well.." he bit his lip & sighed, "Tell me to mind my own but what's with you & Jeff?"  
I choked on my beer & coughed. "Nothing's with me & Jeff! What made you ask that?"  
"Ah well I think I inherited some of that woman's intuition from my mother!" he laughed, "But if you say nothing's going on then hey…" he held up his hands, "I'm shutting up! Forget I even said it! But….You're wrong about Matt!"  
"What do you mean?"  
"He does care!"  
"What?"  
"I heard what you said & you're wrong! He cares a lot about you!"  
I rolled my eyes, "I told you it was the drink talking not me!" I smiled.  
"See now I don't think it was the beer!" He looked into my eyes & I quickly looked down at my feet! "So all I'm sayin is I can see that maybe you feel a little isolated around all of us lot right now & I just wanted to let you know that I think of you as a friend ok?"  
I looked up, "Ok thanks Dwayne! I appreciate that!"  
"And friends talk?" He raised his eyebrows again.  
I bit on my lip. Maybe he had a point & maybe someone on the outside of all of this mess could make more sense of it than I could! 


	26. Chapter 26

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 26  
  
So another beer later I found I'd told Dwayne more than I should have! When I think back now I can't believe some of the stuff that came out of my mouth that night to a virtual stranger! It's a wonder the poor guy didn't just get up & run for the door!  
"So Matt thinks I'm a psycho and Jeff, well……..." I sighed, "Jeff just happens to be there for me……….can I get another beer?" Dwayne gestured to the fridge so I helped myself. "And I don't want to tell Matt because well………just because! So now you have my entire mental life story & you probably think I'm a fucking idiot aswell now!"  
Dwayne shook his head & smiled, "No. I happen to think Matt is the idiot in this story!"  
"Excuse me?" I said, pacing the floor of the hotel room.  
"Well you obviously love the guy but I can't help but get the feeling he's gonna lose you if he doesn't buck his ideas up! Maybe if I had a word……."  
"Oh no!!" I laughed bitterly, "Thankyou but he has to figure this one out all on his own or it aint worth shit!"  
Dwayne puffed out his cheeks, "Ok! Ok! I won't say anything if you don't want me to but listen about Jeff, "he paused & looked at me, "What I'm trying to say is try not to cling to Jeff because you feel like you have no one else y'know? Matt loves you I'm sure of it! You just have to trust him enough to tell him what's been goin on before….." he paused again & sighed, "Well before something happens between you & Jeff that you'll both regret!"  
"Nothing is gonna happen between me & Jeff! I love Matt!" I sat down beside him on the bed & he grabbed my hand. His hands looked so huge compared to mine & at any other time I would have probably laughed about it!  
"You might not mean for it to happen but, well sometimes we lose control, believe me I know! I saw the way you two looked at each other & to me it looks like an accident waiting to happen! You get me?"  
I sighed, "yeah I do! I get that feeling myself sometimes!"  
"Well I don't mean to preach here but, just watch your step, because if I can pick up on these vibes so can Matt, if he hasn't already!"  
"Yeah I know I guess you're right!"  
"As for this Mick & who's the other guy?"  
"Steve!" I sighed,  
"Well as for Mick & Steve the only thing I can suggest is that you call home again, see if you can get some sense out of your folks!"  
"Right again!" I laughed, "What does it feel like to be so bloody perfect?"  
"I have no idea but if you find out then please let me know!" he laughed, "I'm far from perfect believe me! But hey I didn't mean to sound….."  
"I'm joking really! I appreciate your advice, it's good to talk to someone who's not directly involved! Thank you Dwayne!"  
"Anytime!" he squeezed my hand. "Now come on or Matt will be worried that Rocky's escaped!" he smiled.  
We went out into the corridor to be greeted by Jeff coming the other way.  
"Hey there you are! I was starting to worry!" Dwayne gave me a sideways glance.  
"Oh hi Jeff, I was just um….."  
"Hey Bec there you are!" Matt said coming out of the door.  
"Well Jeff I was wondering if you could um give me some advice about something!" Dwayne put his arm around Jeff's shoulders and winked at me.  
"Advice? But I was just gonna see if Bec was…"  
"I'm sure your brother can take care of Bec!" he started to lead Jeff back to his room & I saw Jeff wince as Dwayne's grip on his shoulder got a little too forceful! I had to bite my lip to stop myself laughing!! As Dwayne tactfully got Jeff out of the way I walked towards Matt & he held out his arms & hugged me.  
"You don't mind all that lot bein in there do you?"  
"No!" I smiled, "I was just talking to Dwayne, I didn't realize I'd been so long!"  
"Dwayne's an ok kinda guy!"  
"Yeah he is! He thinks he's my Dad but he's a genuinely nice guy!" I laughed.  
"How come?"  
"Oh nothing!" I kissed him & it seemed to take his mind off the present conversation.  
"Hey, what's say we don't go back in there just yet? Let's go for a walk!"  
"A walk? At this hour of the night?"  
"Yeah why not? It's a pretty nice night now the rain's stopped and I've hardly seen you all day!"  
"Sure! Ok let's go then!" I smiled.  
So, hand in hand we walked outside in the hotel gardens. We stopped by a large pond with a fountain. Matt put his arm around me & I leaned my head on his shoulder. He kissed the top of my head.  
"We should do this stuff more often!"  
"We never have time!" I laughed.  
"Well, we'll have to make time!" He kissed my head again. "You're not havin much fun are you?"  
"What do you mean? Of course I am!"  
"Naaah……..I can tell! It can't be much fun when I'm working all the damn time & you're left behind stuck in the hotel room!"  
"But I wasn't stuck in the hotel room Matt I went out with Jeff I already told you!"  
"Oh yeah! Sorry I forgot!" He sighed slightly & I knew there was something coming that I wasn't going to like! "Bec, you & Jeff, well you guys seem pretty close lately?"  
"What do you mean? I didn't move but my heart rate doubled!  
"Oh nothing really I just feel like maybe I'm neglecting you that's all!"  
"I'm not a frigging prize rose bush Matt! You haven't been neglecting me I just, well I get along with Jeff, he's a nice guy and yeah I'm glad he's here or I would've been stuck in the hotel room all day on my own!"  
"Yeah I guess." He lifted my chin so I was facing him, "You might not be a prize rose bush but you're still my English rose!"  
I Burst out laughing!"You soft shit!" I playfully punched his arm & he laughed.  
"Ok! Ok! I don't wanna make you puke!"  
"Keep saying shit like that & I'll ban you from drinking alchohol!"  
He smiled & softly kissed my lips. It was still there, the shivers down my spine, the goosebumps, the feeling like he was kissing me for the first time! I'd never known a guy to have so much affect on my emotions the way Matt did! I guessed it was because I loved him & I'd just never been in love before! "I love you!" I whispered & kissed him again. When we parted he smiled.  
"I………….I…" this is it I thought, he is going to tell me he loves me! My stomach churned! He sighed, "I guess we should get back inside before they trash the place!" I just looked at him amazed! I was sure he'd tried to tell me but for some reason he just couldn't get the words out! "You ok?"  
"MMmmm yeah I'm erm…I'm fine! I guess you're right we should be getting back inside!"  
He took my hand and we went back inside. We were greeted with shouts & whistles when we walked back into our room!Everyone seemed very drunk & I decided to join them & get myself another beer! I sat on the floor leaning on Matt as we both drank & joined in the meyhem! Adam decided he'd do a strip but Dwayne reminded him just before his boxers came off that there was a lady in the room! I'd hidden my face in Matt's leg once he'd taken off his pants & I realized he seriously WAS going to strip!  
"Aw man!" Adam moaned, "Does that mean we cant do the traditional streak down the corridors?"  
I looked at Matt, "You do THAT!?" I laughed & Matt held up his hands and tried to look innocent!!  
Ah pay no attention to his 'butter wouldn't melt' look Bec! He's usually the first one to get naked!!" Adam laughed.  
"Oh I don't think I wanna know!" I giggled.  
It was about 1am when Matt was playing Tony Hawk against Chris Benoit & I found myself sitting alone with an empty beer bottle in my hand. I decided I could probably handle one more before I passed out so I got up & went to the fridge where I bumped into Jeff, literally!  
"woah!" I staggered back & he caught hold of my arm to steady me. "Sorry! I thought you were a wall!" I giggled.  
"Haven't you had enough of those!" he laughed as I bent down & picked another beer out of the fridge.  
"Ah one more won't make the hang over any worse!" I laughed & walked back to where I'd been sitting. I found that Jeff had followed me so I just stood & leaned against the wall.  
"Can we talk?"  
"About what?" I was almost shouting to be heard above then rest of the guys cheering & laughing. Jeff grabbed my arm & pushed me into the bathroom closing the door behind us. "Jeff! I can't be here! Someone will see!"  
"See what? There's nothing to see!" he sighed & leaned against the sink & I sat down on the edge of the bath before I fell down! "there's nothing to see & there never will be!" he muttered.  
"Er……excuse me I KNOW that!"  
"See I don't think you did! I don't think either of us did! Not really!" I looked down at the bottle of beer in my hands & said nothing. "Ok so I had the lecture from Dwayne, although he's a fine one to talk!"  
"Yeah me too!" I smiled.  
"And I just want to say I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, well I mean it was the right impression but it was wrong to give it……errrm…..what am I talking about?"  
"I have no idea!" I said & fell off the side of the bath & onto the floor! "Ouch!" I rubbed my butt & tried to wipe the beer off my jeans, "Oh great it looks like I've pissed myself now!"  
Jeff burst out laughing & sat beside me on the floor. "Well I just want to say that I like you an' all but you're my brother's girlfriend and so……" he belched & it stunk of beer! I wafted it away with my hand.  
"DUDE!"  
"Sorry! Anyway so I was saying I wouldn't do anything to……..well you know?"  
I nodded, "Yup!" I took another gulp from my bottle. "Funny how things work out though huh?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"Well I mean, I hated you, well ok, hate…" I hiccupped, "…..Hate might be a little harsh, but I thought…." I looked at my bottle then decided to take another drink then hiccupped again! "Ah ok so I hated you! But now I Know you're a real nice guy Jeff!" I slapped his leg.  
"Yeah I am aren't I?"  
"Yup! Full of yourself but never the less a nice…..whatsit!" I pulled myself to my feet using the side of the bath & the sink!  
"Bec y'know the funny thing?"  
"Yeah you! I'm going bye!"  
"No! No,no wait up! I mean if it wasn't…………….um……….if you and Matt weren't well y'know……………..well would you? I mean you & me………….?"  
"I don't know that Jeffereeee!"  
I opened the door & he whispered in my ear, "Yeah you would!" I pursed my lips but I couldn't help but smile, after all he was right, I would! I definatley would! 


	27. Chapter 27

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 27  
  
The 'so called' little gathering was still in full swing by 3am when we got a call from reception saying they'd had complaints from some guests about the noise! Shannon had the camcorder out so there had been various stupid acts going on (including Jay trying to drink a beer whilst doing a handstand against the wall!!) so the noise levels had been raised a little & I wasn't surprised we were getting complaints! Some of the guys decided to call it a night so, if I remember rightly, it was left to Me, Matt, Jeff, Shane, Adam, Shannon & Jay to finish off the beers! Shannon still had the camcorder going & I flipped him the finger when he pointed it in my direction! Matt decided he was going to kick Jay's ass on Mortal Kombat so I leaned my head against the pillow & closed my eyes.  
"Budge up!" I opened one eye to see Shane standing above me so I sat up & swung my legs out over the side of the bed. "Want another one?" He held his bottle of beer up.  
"Yeah go on, why not!"  
He pulled a bottle of beer out from under the bed & grinned, "My secret supply!" he sat down next to me & handed me a bottle. I knew I shouldn't really be having any more but I'd past the point of logical thinking & therefore didn't give much of a damn!  
"So do you guys do this a lot when you're on the road?"  
"Sometimes!" he smiled, "Oh if only Vince knew what we got up to sometimes when he was tucked up in his penthouse suite!"  
"Vince? Isn't he your dad?" I laughed.  
"Yeah, but I only call him Dad when we're at home!" he winked. "So, Bec-the-nanny, how are you finding life on the road with this bunch of dick heads?"  
"Well, Shane-the-slave-driver I kinda like it actually! Tiring though!"  
He nodded, "Hey Shannon!" he shouted, "Bring that thing over here a minute……Adam!" Adam looked up & Shane waved him over.  
"What ARE you doing?" I asked curiously.  
"Come here!" he pulled me to my feet & positioned me against a bare wall then did the same to Adam. "Ok here's your unofficial WWE screen test!"  
"What?"  
"Interview Adam, Um I mean Edge!" he took the camera from Shannon & pointed it at us.  
"Nooooo!" I giggled & held my hand up to the lense!  
"Go on! Just give it a go!" Shane laughed.  
"Shane dude I really need to pee!" Adam ran off into the bathroom but Matt had finished his game so Shane grabbed him & put him in Adam's place!   
"Ok go on Bec!" Shane laughed from behind the camera.  
"Ok! Ok!" I laughed & held up the beer bottle like a microphone & cleared my throat. I burst out laughing again! I couldn't get any words out!  
"Come on!" Shane moaned.  
"Ok! Alright!" I coughed, "Ok, Matt Hardy…" I bit my lip to stop myself laughing again! "You have to face….um…The Undertaker in a steel cage match later tonight, what are your thoughts on that match?" I moved the 'microphone' to Matt's mouth.  
"Well, my first thought is thankyou, darling, for putting me in a steel cage match with the Undertaker!!" I laughed. "Ok so my second thought would be Holy Shit!" Shane could hardly keep the camera still he was laughing so much! "And my third thought would be if it wasn't for my Mattitude…." Matt was interrupted when Adam came out of the bathroom & speared him onto the bed!! He pinned him & Jeff jumped up & did the three count!  
"And Edge gets the victory over the gay boy!" Adam shouted as he jumped up & down with his arms in the air! What followed was an all out war between Matt, Jeff & Adam on the bed & Shane took the camera from his eye as we stood back & watched the ensuing mayhem.  
"I really don't think the other guests should be hearing this!" Shane laughed.  
I leaned my back against the wall, slid down until my ass hit the floor & I took another gulp of my beer.  
"He'll never get up for work you realize!" I said to Shane as he sat down beside me a little more gracefully than I had done!  
"Neither will I so that's ok!" he grinned. "So how long have you & Matt been together?" A boot landed at my feet so I picked it up & threw it back at the guys hitting Jeff on the head & we both laughed.  
"Oh I dunno…..6 maybe 7 months? Not long really!"  
Shane nodded, "Well I think you guys make a great couple!"  
"Thanks!" I gulped some more beer.  
"No, seriously, you two look good together! Must be love!" He grinned.  
"Yeah, something like that!" I smiled but inside I was thinking 'yeah I wish!'  
"A few years ago he was with a girl, well they looked a lot like you two look like together!"  
"Oh? And what happened to this super woman?"  
"Dwayne married her!"  
My eyes widened & then I burst out laughing! "You are kidding me right?"  
He laughed & shook his head. "Nope!"  
"Oh my God!" I laughed, "Man it's not even funny!"  
Shane smiled, "Yeah, they're ok now, Matt & Dwayne, but Christ it was a nightmare to begin with!"  
"I can believe that!" I gulped from my bottle again, which was almost empty. "Well so did they have an affair or what?"  
"Well who knows for sure? They say not….but….ah well as far as I'm aware she finished it because of the wrestling, y'know the schedule, she couldn't handle him being away all the time. So I guess it was a knife in the heart when three months later the shit hit the fan, if you excuse my language!" he smiled, "So personally………….. three months?" Shane wrinkled his nose up & shrugged his shoulders, "Well figure it out! It's not for me to say! And I reckon it damn near broke his heart! He was bad enough when she left him but after finding out she was with Dwayne…well…."  
"Go figure!" I said quietly, looking over at Matt in the middle of the scrum.  
"Oh it's nothing for you to worry about now!"  
"Hm that's not it Shane, it's just like there's so much stuff I don't know about him y'know? You're sitting here telling me all this stuff & it's like you're talking about a completely different person! Makes me realize I don't really know him at all!" I suddenly felt very sober indeed!  
"Ah….." Shane stood up, "You just look after him! Love him! He's a great guy!" I looked up at Shane & nodded. "Well, I'm turning in or I'll look like shit in…" he looked at his watch & groaned, "3 and a half hours!" I smiled. "Alright you lot! The boss is putting his foot down! Bed the lot of you! You're already ugly enough without missing your beauty sleep!"  
After a few moans and groans the guys headed for the door. "Um…Matt? Er….EXCUSE ME GUYS!!!!" I shouted & pointed at the heap on the bed!  
"Ah screw him I'm goin to bed!" Jay laughed & walked out of the door, followed by Shane, Shannon & Adam!  
"Well, come on he can't stay there I need my bed!" I tried to hoist Jeff off the bed but Matt stopped me.  
"It's ok I got it!" he held him up.  
"I'll give you a hand!" I put my arm around Jeff's waist & his head lolled onto my shoulder & I giggled.  
"I said I've got it!" Matt snapped & started to walk away with Jeff.  
"Matt? Is there something wrong?"  
"No just, well I can manage to get him to bed! It's not the first time!" He dragged Jeff out of the door. He hadn't wanted me to touch Jeff that was pretty obvious! I sighed & started to clear away some of the empty beer bottles that were lying around on the floor. I didn't notice Matt standing in the doorway until he spoke.  
"He said your name!"  
I jumped & dropped some of the bottles! "Jesus Christ Matt! Don't do that to me!" He just hung his head. "What did you say?"  
Matt looked at me & shook his head, "Nothin' it doesn't matter!" He walked into the room & took some of the bottles from my hands, putting them on the bedside table. "Leave those!"  
"Oh Matt I just don't wanna have to face all this shit in the morn…."  
"We need to talk Bec!"  
I gulped, "Not now! Not after all this beer!"  
"No, actually I think now would be a very good time!"  
He sat down & put his head in his hands & sighed.  
"Matt, you're drunk & I'm about legless!" I sat down beside him on the bed & put my arm around his shoulders, "Let's just get some sleep yeah?"  
He turned to face me & took hold of both of my hands, "Bec…I..I do….well I care about you a lot y'know that don't you?"  
"Hmm…. Let me see, erm NO actually I didn't know that at all!" I was too drunk to care what I was saying to him! I smiled sarcastically in his face.  
"What?"  
"Well Matt you just have a funny way of showing it so no I didn't know that you even gave a shit about me!"  
"How can you say that?"  
I stood up, "Oh it's pretty fucking easy really! Take tonight for example! I learned that Dwayne married your ex girlfriend from Shane McMahon! Did you tell me this? No Matt you didn't!" I was yelling at him now I couldn't help myself! "Y'know it made me realize I learned everything I know about you from your damn entrance video!!" Matt just looked up at me & didn't say a word. "Ok so add this to your Matt Stats….how about Matt likes to piss people off to show he cares about them! Oh or here's a good one, Matt Hardy doen't actually give a shit about anyone but himself! Yeah that would look pretty cool on the Titantron!!" Still he didn't say a word to me & that annoyed me even more!! I went over to him & shoved his shoulder! "Don't you wanna get up….yell at me? Call me a bitch! Yeah go on Matt!! Tell me how you really feel about me! Tell me how much you despise me & think I'm a……a freak!" I pushed him again, I just wanted him to show some emotion, anything!  
"I don't think you're a freak!" he said quietly & calmly.  
"Oh really? Well how DO you feel about me Matt because I'm buggered if I know! I never seem to know where I stand with you!"  
Finally I'd pushed him too far & he stood up! "You knew how it was going to be from day one!" he raised his voice a little but still he wasn't quite shouting at me although he was right in my face & I did feel a little un nerved! I took a step backwards so I wasn't craning my neck to stare him in the face. "That day at the hospital, I told you how it was gonna be & you accepted that!"  
"Yeah, well that was then!"  
"Oh right well sorry but I can't give you any more than what I offered you in the first place!"  
"THAT WAS LIKE 6 MONTHS AGO MATT!!" I screamed at him, "6 FUCKING MONTHS!!"  
"YOU KNEW HOW IT WAS GOING TO BE!! I NEVER PRETENDED & I NEVER LEAD YOU ON!!!" He was shouting now & pointing his finger right in my face, his face was slightly flushed & I slapped his finger away.  
"So, nothing's changed is that what you're telling me? In all this time we've been together, your feelings haven't changed for me in the slightest?" We stared at each other & I was shaking I was so mad at him. "You still can't say that you love me?"  
Matt looked away & rubbed his eyes, "No." he said quietly.  
I nodded & walked out of the room, slamming the door behind me. 


	28. Chapter 28

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 28  
  
I didn't know where I was going to sleep I just knew I had to get out of there & fast! My head started to ache & I felt sick, but most of all I felt angry! I'd clung so long to the hope that maybe he did actually love me but just couldn't say the words & now that hope was all shot to hell! I stood in the corridor & looked around at all the closed doors. There was no way I could bunk in with Jeff for the night after the way Matt had reacted earlier! I shouldn't have cared what he thought, not any more, but I did. I loved him still & there was no getting away from that, regardless of how he felt about me I could never deny my feelings for him, no matter how much I didn't like him very much at that moment in time! So Dwayne was out of the question aswell after the little bombshell Shane had dropped on me earlier! Truth was I didn't want to leave Matt, not for good, I just needed some space & sleeping in Dwayne's room wasn't going to help either of us! I went in the elevator down to reception but I knew it was a lost cause! It was 4am & no way was I getting another room at this time of the morning, but the fact was I didn't know where else to go! I leaned on the desk & looked at the empty seats behind it then put my head on my arms & started to cry! Truth be told I don't think I was crying because of the argument with Matt I was just emotionally & physically exhausted & I didn't know if I could go on much longer without having some sort of breakdown! I'd been so unkind to Matt back upstairs & I hadn't meant to hurt him, it was a combination of the alchohol and the emotional stress I'd been under these past few days!  
I stayed there, almost asleep on my feet with the tears soaking my arms & the desk, I was past caring, I was too far gone. I didn't move until I heard a voice behind me.  
"Come back upstairs." I quickly wiped my face & tried to stop crying before Matt saw me but it was no use.  
"No thanks I'm fine here!"  
"OK, well here's the key to the room, you can at least get some sleep & I'll stay down here instead." I looked at the key in Matt's outstretched hand & went to take it, but as I reached out he grabbed my hand. "I'm so sorry Bec!" I just looked at our hands locked together, suspended between us & all I wanted to do was to be in his arms, "I don't want us to fight!" he sighed.  
"Me either." I gulped & looked at the floor. "I didn't mean to be such a bitch, it's the drink!" I smiled but a tear rolled down my cheek. Matt pulled on my hand so we were standing with our faces inches apart.  
"It's not like I'm saying never Bec……it's just.."  
"It doesn't matter."  
"But I…" He started but I cut him off with a kiss, when we parted he smiled at me & wiped my wet face with his hand.  
"You're incredible you know that?"  
"How's that?"  
"Because I thought I'd blown it!" he looked into my eyes, "I don't want to lose you Bec!"  
"I'm not going anywhere!" I smiled & finally I felt his arms around me & I grabbed onto him tightly. As we stood there in the hotel lobby it felt like we were the only two people in the world. Nothing & No one else mattered, it was just me & Matt and I wanted it to stay that way forever.  
"I love you so much!" I said over his shoulder & then I felt something whiz past my face just missing me by millimeters! I jumped back from Matt, "What was that?" I looked around on the floor.  
"What was what?"  
"Something almost hit me in the face! Just then when we were standing there it….." my voice trailed off when I saw something on the floor & I immediately went to pick it up. When I bent down I saw that it was a room key. "What the?" I picked it up & held it up for Matt while I scanned the lobby for any signs that we weren't alone. "It's a room key! It almost hit me in the damn head!" I turned around & around looking for whoever could have thrown it but there was no sign of anyone else in the lobby!  
Matt turned the key ring over & then stared at me with a confused look on his face, "205?" he said quietly, wrinkling his brow.  
"205? But that's…." I stopped & looked around the lobby again, "Jeff?" I called out but still nothing to even suggest anyone was with us! Suddenly my legs started to move before my brain had even told me where I was going! I ran to the elevator & frantically pressed the button.  
"Bec? What's going on here?" Matt ran after me.  
"I'll explain later, we have to get to Jeff NOW!"  
The elevator still hadn't opened so I ran for the stairs with Matt following close behind. We raced up two flights of stairs & burst into the corridor. I looked in both directions to get my bearings & then I sprinted in the direction of 205. I didn't know why but something was wrong, terribly wrong! We got to his door & I hammered on it. "JEFF!!" I shouted & then looked down at my feet at the pool of water where I stood. "Matt!" I pointed at the carpet & his eyes widened.  
"What the? JEFF!" he yelled & banged on the door.  
"The key! Where's the key?" Matt still had it in his hand & he fumbled to get it into the lock. We both burst through the door at the same time & Jeff was nowhere to be seen. The place was flooded though & I could hear water running in the bathroom. I raced for the door & stopped dead in my tracks as I saw Jeff's face under water in the over flowing bathtub! Matt & I immediately ran to the tub & started to pull him out of the water. Tears stung my eyes as I tried to help Matt drag him out of the tub and onto the floor, he was just a dead weight!  
Matt lay him on the floor & started CPR, I just stood with my hands on my head, pleading to God for Jeff to be alive & sobbing!  
Adam ran into the room in his boxer shorts with his hair all over the place.  
"What's goin on there's water…….HOLY SHIT WHAT'S HAPPENED?"  
"Call an ambulance! NOW!" Matt yelled & Adam ran out of the room faster than I'd ever seen anyone run in my life! "HES NOT BREATHING!" Matt screamed in a total panick as he continued to frantically pump Jeff's chest with his hands.  
I gasped & took a step backwards, "No no no no! It's all my fault!" I sobbed.  
"COME ON JEFF DAMMIT!" Matt yelled. Dwayne ran into the bathroom & grabbed hold of me.  
"What's happened? Jesus is he ok?" He bent down at Matt's side. "PUT HIM ON HIS SIDE!" he yelled at Matt.  
"What?" Matt snapped.  
"HIS SIDE!" Dwayne pushed Matt out of the way & rolled Jeff onto his side, "It's water in his lungs, we need to get it out!"  
Matt ran around to Jeff's head & stuck two of his fingers into his mouth while Dwayne thumped on Jeff's back. Jeff looked pale & he looked dead & I was about to pass out when everything happened at once. Adam ran in & I turned to look at him, taking my eyes off Jeff for just a second then I heard gagging & when I looked back Jeff was spewing up a fountain of puke everywhere!  
"COME ON JEFF! THAT'S IT!" Matt yelled, completely covered in his brother's vomit. I held my breath as Dwayne stopped thumping the hell out of Jeff's back & Matt got down on the floor to put his ear to Jeff's mouth. Finally after what felt like an hour but was actually only a few seconds Jeff gasped for a breath & started coughing. The look on Matt's face was utter relief, I'd never seen a man look like he did at that moment when his brother took a breath! He lifted Jeff's head onto his lap & cradled his younger sibling in his arms. 


	29. Chapter 29

Lost, Confused, Unkind (sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 29  
  
The paramedics took Jeff to the hospital & since Dwayne was the only one who hadn't been drinking he took Matt & me in his rental. We didn't have to wait very long before the doctor came to tell us that thanks to Matt & Dwayne's quick thinking Jeff was going to be fine! I wanted to go in & see him because I knew this must have something to do with all the shit that had been going on lately, but Matt asked if I could wait with Dwayne while he went in alone.  
While I sat with Dwayne in the waiting room I rocked back & forth slightly in my chair, fidgeted with my hands, my clothes, my hair. I bit on my fingernails & kept getting up & pacing the floor.  
"Hey come on they said he was gonna be ok! What are you so worried about?" Dwayne asked.  
"I need to see him for myself Dwayne! God he almost died in there! I wanna know what the hell is going on!"  
"He was drunk! Hell I saw the state he was in & I left hours ago! He probably didn't know why he did it!"  
"I don't care how drunk he was! He was fully clothed in the bathtub for God's sake!"  
"Hey!" Matt wandered over to us.  
"Hi how is he? Is he ok? Did he say what happened?"  
Matt gave me a strange look, "Um yeah he's gonna be ok! He's ah.." he scratched his head, "He said he was just wasted, didn't know what he was doing!" Matt sat down & put his head in his hands, he looked drained. 'I dunno what the hell's gotten into him!"   
"Can I…um…..go in & see him?"  
"Yeah Matt come on man we'll go get a coffee!" Dwayne helped Matt to his feet & put his arm around his shoulders & lead him away without any protest! I think Matt was probably too exhausted to even think for himself!  
After I'd watched Matt & Dwayne disappear down the corridor I slowly walked into Jeff's room. He was asleep on the bed so I went over to him & I couldn't help but brush some of his hair from his forehead. He stirred & opened his eyes.  
"Hi!" he said weakly.  
"Hi, how are you feeling?" I pulled a chair up to the side of the bed & took hold of his hand.  
"Ah, y'know, I've had easier hangovers!"  
"What really happened Jeff?" he sighed & nodded his head.  
"Ok well, I don't really know for sure, I was kinda out of it, but…" he sat forward & moved some of his hair to reveal a large gash in the top of his head, "Think I got this from whoever paid me a visit!" I put a hand to my mouth, "Told the doc I must have slipped & banged my head in the tub! He seemed to believe me!" He lay back on his pillow.  
"Jeff, Christ! Jeff I'm so sorry!" I started to cry, "I knew something like this would happen!" He pulled on my arm so I leaned over & hugged him, "He's gonna kill someone!" I sniffed.  
"Ssshhh, it's ok! Look I'm fine!" he smiled, "Christ you're freezing! And wet! What the?"  
I sniffed again & wiped my face, "Ah well someone had to help Matt drag you ass out of that tub!"  
"You did that?"  
"Of course I did! What did you think I'd just leave you there?"  
Jeff smiled, "Thankyou for saving my life then!" He kissed my cheek & I held him again.  
"Don't thank me! If it wasn't for me you wouldn't have been in the damn tub in the first place!" I said quietly, "I've been thinking, maybe I should just leave!"  
"Leave?" he pushed me up so we were face to face, "What do you mean leave? You mean go back to Cameron?"  
"No, I mean go back to England. I have to get out of here before someone ends up on a slab because of me!"  
"You mean you'll leave Matt?"  
"If that's what it takes to keep him alive then yes I'd leave him!" I sobbed.  
"But you can't leave him Bec, you'll break his heart! Don't even think like that!"  
"I don't know what else to do!" the tears streamed down my face.  
"Come here…shhh!" He held me again, "But I don't want you to leave either! Stay Bec please?" he kissed the top of my head as he held me tightly. I looked up into his eyes. "Please don't go!" he whispered. Our eyes locked, just like they had done in the locker room that day that seemed so long ago right now. I couldn't look away from him & I could feel him gently pulling me towards him, I could feel his breath on my face…………. and then Matt walked in! I quickly got off the bed as soon as I heard the door opening & when I saw it was Matt I quickly wiped my face. He looked at me, then at Jeff but said nothing to either of us & just walked back out of the room again.  
"Shit! I have to go to him!" I didn't give Jeff time to reply I just left. Matt was outside in the corridor. "Matt? Are you ok?"  
He looked at the floor, "Yeah sure I just ah didn't want to erm…interrupt anything in there."  
"You weren't interrupting anything we were just talking!" I lifted his chin so he was facing me, "Come here you look exhausted!" I put my arms around him & held him tightly, at first he seemed to resist my hug but after a few seconds he gave in & I felt his arms come around my back & I sighed with relief!  
About 3 hours later Jeff was given the all clear & discharged. Dwayne drove us all back to the hotel & we were greeted by Shane who was coming down the front steps.  
"Hey guys! Oh hey! How's the patient?" He said when he saw Jeff.  
"Pretty good apart from a bit of a headache!" Jeff said trying to sound up beat, "So I guess I'll be ok for the show tonight!"  
Shane laughed, "Oh you do huh? Well I don't think so Jeff!"  
"I'll be fine!" Jeff whined.  
"Whatever but I wanted to let you all know you have the day off, you too Dwayne you've been up all night!"  
"What about the show? We were supposed to be headed for Texas this morning?" Matt asked.  
"You guys need to get some rest! Jesus we'll work around you, just follow on tomorrow it's all in hand!"  
After a few moans & groans from Jeff, Shane finally convinced them & said if any one of them turned up in Texas before tomorrow morning they'd all be fired!  
So, yet again our stuff had to be moved to different rooms, God knows how much this was going to cost to repair & I didn't even want to think about WHO would be paying for it! I knew I couldn't afford it even if I wanted to! We were now on the opposite side of the corridor with Jeff's room tactfully sandwiched between Dwayne's and ours! The way the doctors looked at Jeff I could tell they thought he'd tried to commit suicide & I think Matt was of the same frame of mind! I was desperate to talk to Jeff alone but I knew I was on shakey ground after Matt had seen us in the hospital! So I resigned myself to the fact that it would be a long time before I was left alone with Jeff again! Matt stayed with Jeff for about an hour which gave me a chance to sort out my cases, have a shower & get warm & dry again. While I was tying back my hair I noticed the red patch again & realized Matt hadn't even said anything about it! Ok so it wasn't THAT obvious but he hadn't even noticed! I stared at myself in the mirror for a few minutes, just looking at the mess that stared back at me, I didn't much like myself these days & the less mirrors I came across over the next few days the better it would be!  
I crawled into be & fell asleep before Matt even came back!  
The next thing I knew was when I rolled over still half asleep & put my arm around the naked body next to me & snuggled into him. I heard him sniff & thought nothing of it until it was followed by another & another.  
"Matt?" I mumbled.  
"Ah erm hey babe!"  
"Are you ok?" I lifted myself up on one elbow & peered over his shoulder. I turned his face towards mine & saw that he was crying. "Matt? Hey what's wrong?" I pulled him so he was lying on his back.  
"Oh nothing. I'm ok!" he wiped his face & forced a smile.  
"Come on you can talk to me!"  
He looked up at the celling & sighed, "Well….I…….I thought I'd lost him Bec!" the tears started to stream down his face & I just put my arms around him & let him get it all out. "He might be an asshole but he's my kid brother & I love him!" he sobbed & I rocked him gently.  
"I know! Hey it's ok to be upset!" We lay together like that until he finally fell asleep on my chest. I stroked his hair & kissed the top of his head softly & I knew then just looking at him asleep in my arms that I couldn't leave him & go back to England. I wasn't strong enough & I hoped I wouldn't regret that for the rest of my life! I needed for him to be safe but I just couldn't leave him! I was just going to have to rough it out & hope to Christ that somehow we'd be able to get through this and live to see another day! 


	30. Chapter 30

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 30  
  
When I woke up Matt was still sound asleep in my arms & when I looked at the clock it was 9pm! I couldn't believe we'd slept all day & half the night aswell! Matt stirred and yawned.  
"Hey! How long have you been awake?" he asked, sleepily.  
"Oh not long!" I smiled down at him & he shuffled up the bed and kissed me, running his hand through my hair & sending tingles down my spine. His hand gently moved down my neck as we continued to kiss & then he cupped my breast & squeezed it gently making me catch my breath. He moved his mouth to my cheek & then down my neck & I could feel his breath, hot on my bare flesh & I swallowed hard & closed my eyes. His kisses continued downwards until he came to my breast where he circled my nipple with the tip of his tongue before gently taking it into his mouth & I gasped.  
"You ok?" He whispered & I nodded. He rolled me on top of him so we were face to face & his finger traced my jaw line. "I wanna make you happy!" he said quietly.  
"You do make me happy Matt! I love you!" I kissed him.  
"But we don't have fun anymore! We're not friends like we used to be…" his voice trailed off & I knew he was right! We'd hardly seen each other & maybe it would have been better if I hadn't come on this trip at all! "I don't make you happy any more & I'm sorry!" he kissed my lips lightly.  
"Matt, things have been a bit hectic lately but you do make me happy I promise you!"  
Matt looked up at the celing. "I don't make you laugh any more, not the way Jeff does…" he paused, "Or Dwayne or Shane or Adam even!"  
"Where's this come from?" I sat up & moved to his side, wrapping the sheet around my shoulders.  
"Well I was watching you last night with all of those guys & well you looked happy! I feel like all I do these days is bring you down!"  
I sighed, "Matt I am happy when I'm with you! Happy doesn't mean rolling around the floor splitting my sides!" I stroked his cheek & he turned & kissed my hand.  
"Do you still love me?"  
"I love you more!" I smiled & he seemed to cheer up a little. He rubbed my leg & smiled.  
"I don't know what I did to deserve you!" he laughed, "We'll spend more time together I promise!"  
"Haha well you'll be sick of the sight of me by the time we get home I bet!"  
"I'll never.." he propped himself up on one elbow & reached up, putting his hand on the back of my neck & pulling me towards him, "…..ever…" he kissed me, "Get tired of looking…" he kissed me again, "…at you!" Again he kissed me & then smiled. "Even if you have caught some sort of Manic Panic disease from my brother!" he ruffled my hair where the red patch was & we both laughed. It sounds stupid now but I felt some huge relief that he actually noticed! It meant he was looking at me instead of around me & it was a damn good feeling to have!  
Gently he rolled me onto my back & kissed me softly, running his tongue around the inside of my mouth. We made love like we'd never done before, it was slow & deep & all the time we weren't locked together in a kiss we were staring into each others eyes, while he ran his fingers slowly through my hair or over my face & neck! It was amazing, it felt like he loved me & I longed for that so much! I wanted to stay like that with him forever and an hour & a half later when we both climaxed together I had tears in my eyes he'd made me so happy!  
By 11pm we decided to get dressed & try & get some food from somewhere! I couldn't even remember the last time I'd eaten things had been so crazy over the past few days!  
We went out into the corridor. "Maybe I should check on Jeff?"  
"Yeah he might wanna come along with us if he feels up to it? I might give Dwayne a knock if that's ok with you?"  
"Sure thing babe!" He smiled. As I went to walk away he caught my hand & pulled me back into his arms for a kiss.  
"Mmmm, what was that for?" I smiled.  
"Oh no reason!" he smiled & kissed me again, I really was getting a lot of attention that night! Not that I was complaining!  
Matt knocked on Jeff's door & went in & I poked my head around to see him sitting on his bed strumming his guitar! Matt didn't see me looking in, he had his back to the door so I gave Jeff a quick smile & left! I kinda needed to know he was ok myself & I felt better for seeing him up & alert! I knocked on Dwayne's door & he shouted, "It's open!" so I went inside. He was up & dressed, as a matter of fact he looked HOT DAMN in his leather pants & I whistled! "Check it out!!" I giggled. Dwayne held up his hands,  
"Ladies please! I'm a married man!" He smirked.  
"Yeah so I hear!" I raised my eyebrows!  
"Awwww sorry to disappoint you!" he smiled.  
"Get over yourself Johnson!" I laughed.  
"So if it's not my body you're after what can I do for you?"  
"Hey who said I wasn't after your body?" I winked & he laughed, "Ok! Ok! I'll admit it! Me & Matt were wondering if you wanted to go get something to eat with us?"  
"Sounds like a plan I'm starving!" he grinned.  
"Yeah hopefully Jeff will come along too, he's in there now trying to persuade him! So get ya coat & let's hit the bricks Rocky my boy!!"  
He shook his head & laughed before grabbing a jacket from the bed, "You are spending waaay too much time with the Rock you know that?"  
I looked at him innocently & said, "It doesn't matter how much time I'm spending with The Rock!"  
"Get out of here!!" Dwayne laughed & pushed me out of the door!  
Matt managed to persuade Jeff to come with us & even though I couldn't talk to him alone I was pleased he was with us all the same!  
We went for Chinese & the night seemed to pass without a drama in sight! As we sat in the restaurant Matt held my hand or stroked my leg all the time, but there was something in the way he was paying me all this attention that I didn't like! He seemed to be keeping an eye on me & I had a feeling it was something to do with Jeff but I couldn't say for sure! I hardly spoke to Jeff all night though, I was too paranoid that my every move was being monitored! Eventually Matt went to the bathroom & Dwayne took the hint from my evil looks and followed him in leaving me alone with Jeff finally!!  
"Are you ok?" I said as Jeff shuffled along the seat to be beside me.  
"Yeah listen we haven't got long but I have to tell you he thinks I tried to kill myself last night!"  
"I kinda got that feeling myself! What did he say?"  
Jeff nervously looked over his shoulder, "That doesn't matter listen he thinks.." Jeff looked into my eyes, "well he thinks the reason I was trying to…commit suicide was….well…because there's something going on between me & you!"  
"What? He said that??"  
"No not in so many words but I know him Bec, I know how his mind works & it was the questions he asked me I just know that's what he was implying!"  
"So, I guess we can't hang out as much then huh?" I said sadly.  
Jeff sighed, "Well lets not give him any fuel for the fire! I know him & I know if he suspects that he'll kick my ass & ask questions later!" Jeff took hold of my hand & squeezed it. "Anyway things seem to be going very nicely for you two tonight!"  
"Tell me about it! And I have no idea why he's all lovey dovey before you ask!"  
Jeff smiled & looked down at our hands on the seat in between us, our fingers locked together, "look…" he rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb, "I know it's tempting fate but I need to talk to you about last night and if you're still adament that Matt shouldn't know then…"  
"No I don't want to tell him, not yet!"  
"Fine ok well…..meet me tonight!" Jeff's eyes sparkled like a naughty school kid & I would have laughed if I hadn't been so damn shocked that he'd even think of such a thing!  
"I can't do that!"  
"Wait until he's asleep then come to my room, I'll leave the door unlocked!"  
"Oh God I don't know I mean…"  
"Look it's up to you but I think we need a plan of action here don't you?" he looked around in the direction of the men's room again.  
"I don't get ya?"  
"Well the police won't do a damn thing! The bastard almost drowned me in a fucking bathtub! I'm not about to sit around on my ass waiting for him to put a bullet in my head Bec!" Jeff hissed at me through clenched teeth.  
"Ok! Ok! I'll try but I'm not sure this is such a good idea!!"   
Jeff smiled & I Smiled back at him, then we heard Matt talking to Dwayne behind us & Jeff quickly moved back along the seat. When they came back to the table Dwayne raised his eyebrows at me in a very disapproving manner!! I just looked away! 


	31. Chapter 31

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 31  
  
I quietly came out of the bathroom & took one last look to make sure Matt was still asleep before I went out into the corridor. I got to Jeff's door & put my hand on the handle then paused and looked around to make sure no one could see. I took my hand away & put it on top of my head with the other hand on my hip & sighed. He was going to kill me if he woke up & I wasn't there! Again my hand hovered above the handle & I sighed & grabbed it before I changed my mind! Slowly I pushed open the door & went inside.  
"Jeff?" I whispered.  
"In here!" he whispered back so I walked further into the room. He was lying on the bed with his hands behind his head, "Hey!" He said when I walked in & got up.  
"Hi! Um I thought you'd be asleep it's 3am!"  
Jeff smiled, "Well yeah I couldn't really get to sleep, there was some weird noises coming from the room next door so…." I blushed & he laughed.  
"Don't laugh it's embarrassing!" I turned away to hide my face.  
'Yeah! Ok! Ok!" Jeff put his arm around my shoulders, "I won't say another word…..but I never knew you were so religious!"  
"JEFF!" I slapped his chest! "Anyway believe me he did it all for your benefit!"  
"MY benefit?"  
"Yeah, I believe it was like putting a stamp on my head….'Matt Hardy's Woman Keep Off!"" I laughed.  
Jeff chuckled, "Well if he made you scream like that for my benefit the dude has his priorities all messed up!"  
"Alright time out! Can we PLEASE change the subject?"  
"Yeah ok sorry!" He smiled.  
"So what's this big plan of yours then?"  
"Plan?"  
"Yeah you said you had a plan of action! Well?"  
"I've got no plan at all I was hoping you would think of something!"  
"ME? Fucks sake Jeff I'm more messed up than you can begin to imagine! How the hell am I supposed to come up with anything? Between Matt and you & our friendly neighbourhood stalkers I'm about losing my mind!"  
"Hey calm down!" We sat down on the bed & he looked at me, "Why was my name mentioned in your list of headaches?"  
"Oh um, I…I mean Matt, thinking there's something going on with us! That's all!"  
"Ah right! Well I don't know what to suggest!"  
"I don't think he wanted to kill you!"  
"What?"  
"Me & Matt had a fight and we were down in the lobby and…."  
"You had a fight? About what?" Jeff took my hand & I completely lost my train of thought!  
"Oh it's kind of a long story but the upshot of it is he doesn't love me & I got pissed with him and…"  
"Woah! Back up a little here! He doesn't love you? He told you that?"  
"Yeah…well…" I thought about it, "Well yeah actually he did but that's not the point Jeff! What was I saying?" I put a hand to my head.  
"What an asshole!" Jeff shook his head.  
"Forget about that! What I'm trying to tell you is whoever put you in the tub also threw your room key at my head! Otherwise I would never have thought to come check on you!"  
"So did you see anyone? In the lobby?"  
I shook my head, "No! There was no one there that I saw but I got in such a panick….oh I dunno. SOMEONE must have been there to throw the damn key!"  
"Hmm….strange though!"  
I rummaged in my pocket & pulled out a battered carton of cigarettes & a lighter & headed out through the big glass doors and onto the balcony where I lit one up before leaning over the wall to look at the gardens below. I felt Jeff's arms fold around my waist from behind & I closed my eyes.  
"Don't jump!" he laughed & jerked me backwards. I giggled & slapped at his hands. He turned me around to face him, took the cigarette out of my hand & threw it on the floor. "You don't need those!" His hands were still around my waist & we were face to face now.  
"What are we gonna do Jeff?"  
He shrugged his shoulders & drew a breath in through his teeth. "I don't know!"  
I sighed, "What are we gonna do about Matt?"  
"What d'ya mean?"  
"Well I can't….…there's no way I can come & see you like this behind his back all the time! You…..well I couldn't have gotten through this without you Jeff & now I won't even be able to talk to you!" Tears welled up in my eyes & he stroked my cheek.  
"It'll be ok! I'll still be here!"  
"But….I need you Jeff!" I whispered.  
He looked into my eyes, "Don't even say that!"  
"But it's true! You have been here for me through all of this shit! I don't know what I'll do if I can't talk to you like this!"  
"You'll cope, you'll just have to!"  
"I don't know what to do!" A tear rolled down my cheek & he kissed it. I closed my eyes.  
"Tell me one thing & I'll never ever ask you again I promise!" He paused, "Are you in love with my brother?" I looked into his eyes but I didn't answer him. "Well if you are in love with him then…" he kissed my cheek again, letting it linger & I squeezed my eyes shut & bit on my lip. "…..you would…" his mouth got nearer to mine as he kissed me again, "….stop me…" he kissed the corner of my mouth, "….from….", he paused, "…kissing you!" We looked at each other & he held my face in his hands as he drew nearer to my lips. My heart pounded in my throat as I felt his breath on my mouth. I couldn't believe this was happening, not now, not ever! But I found myself unable to stop him! His lips touched mine, they were so soft & gentle. I could smell his cologne & I felt dizzy.  
"NO!" I pushed him back. Our lips had only touched for a split second but I knew then it wasn't right. I stormed past him & back into the bedroom, tears streaming down my cheeks.  
"Hey come on!" He grabbed me & held me tightly & I tried to pull back.  
"Why would you do that?" I pushed him again, "Why Jeff?"  
"Shhh, it's ok! I'm sorry!" He stroked my hair, "It won't happen again, I'm so sorry!"  
Eventually I gave in to his embrace & threw my arms around his neck, sobbing into his shoulder. "I'm sorry!" I sobbed, "I love him Jeff! I can't help it! I love him!"  
"Shhh I know! I'm the one who's sorry!" He stood me up & held me at arms length, "Don't ever be sorry for being in love!" He smiled, "It's a killer..' he wiped a tear away quickly hoping I hadn't noticed, "But it's worth it!"  
I took a step towards him & reached out, touching his wet cheek. "Those better not be for me Hardy!" I said, wiping a tear from his face & trying to smile through my sobs.  
"For you? Naaah!" he smiled. "Ahh…" he took a deep breath, "Look at the state of us two!"  
"Yeah, pathetic huh?" We both tried to smile. "I still need you Jeff! You're like my Rock y'know? I'd have been hauled off to the nutthouse weeks ago if you weren't here for me!" He looked up to the celing as another tear fell. "Will you……." I sniffed, "Will you still be here for me?" He nodded slowly & I took him into my arms & sobbed onto his shoulder once again.  
"Hey, you'd ah better get back to Matt before he wakes up!" Jeff said eventually.  
I looked at him, "Promise me to never ever let me come between you and Matt? I will leave the second I get any inclination that you two…"  
"I promise. It won't happen, trust me!" He smiled.  
"I have to go!" I kissed him on the cheek & whispered "Thankyou!" before heading for the door.  
"Promise me something in return?" I stopped & turned around when he spoke, "Don't ever let him take you for granted! You're worth more than that!"  
I left. 


	32. Chapter 32

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 32  
  
Matt was still asleep when I went back to our room & it was now 4:30am. Quickly I got undressed & slid under the covers next to him, he stirred & threw an arm over me. "Mmm, where have you been?" He mumbled, half asleep.  
"Oh I went for a cigarette on the balcony. Go back to sleep it's still early!" I hated lying to him, it cut like a knife, but what the hell would he have said if I'd told him the truth? He already suspected something & I didn't wanna make things worse! So why the hell did I go to Jeff's room in the first place? I could have just stayed here with Matt & told Jeff I couldn't get away, but I needed to see him! I don't know why but I just did & the thought of not being able to talk to him alone made me feel sick to my stomach & made me feel alone. As I lay in bed with Matt I thought about what had just happened, or could have happened with Jeff & I realized Dwayne was right! It was an accident waiting to happen! I remembered his words, "Sometimes we just lose control.." God it would have been so easy, just a momentary lapse, an hour, two hours later my whole life as I know it would have been wrecked & I wouldn't have had either of them! I couldn't believe I'd been so stupid! Damn I had come that close to….well God knows what would've happened with Jeff, I was so angry at myself for putting us both in the path of temptation, it could have been such a disaster! I looked at Matt asleep in my shoulder & I knew my love for him was still as strong as ever. Someone up there liked me that night because I don't know where I found the strength from to push Jeff away, but I thanked God that I did!  
**  
The phone rang at 7:30am & Matt reached over me to answer it.  
"Hello?"  
"Good morning sir this is your 7:30 wake up call!" said a cheery voice.  
"Mmm, thankyou!" Matt said & replaced the receiver, "We have to get up!" he shook me.  
"Awwwww man!" I rolled onto my back & rubbed my eyes, "It can't be time to get up already!"   
"Well if you weren't out there smoking half the damn night you wouldn't feel so tired!" He kissed me, "Come on!" He pulled the quilt off me, "Get your ass out of bed!"  
"Mmm, leave me, go to Texas & pick me up on the way back, I'll still be in bed!" I grabbed the quilt back & snuggled into my pillow.  
"Come on!" Matt pulled the quilt back off me & put his arms underneath me, lifting me off the bed.  
"Maaaaat!" I moaned.  
"You are such a whiner!" he smiled & kissed me, "You are getting in this shower with me & you don't have any options!" He ran into the bathroom with me in his arms & I screamed & giggled! He put me down while he turned on the water & kissed me softly on the lips. I put my arms around his neck & smiled.  
"I love you Hardy!"  
"Yeah you better after what you let me do to you last night!" He grinned & I laughed. He lifted my legs up around his waist & carried me into the shower. We made love under the water then without even getting dry we did it again on the bed! I didn't care if Jeff could hear us or not! As a matter of fact if I'm honest I was rather hoping he WAS listening! ('Matt Hardy's Woman! Keep Off!!')  
  
It was 9am & we were dressed & finishing off the packing when Matt's cell phone rang. "Hello? Oh hey Shane! Yeah we're almost ready to leave!" I went into the bathroom to collect my toiletries together, I had a bag full of crap so I emptied it out onto the counter & started throwing stuff into the garbage. I could still hear Matt talking on the phone but I wasn't really paying all that much attention. As I rummaged through all my makeup and the rest of my crap I came across a small purple packet & my stomach churned! I picked it up & examined the strip of pills but I knew I hadn't taken any since the first day we were in South Carolina! All this time Matt & I hadn't used any protection & I'd been so fucked up that I'd completely forgotten to take my pill! I bit on my lip, I couldn't believe I'd been so stupid!  
"Hey you about ready?" Matt came up behind me & I tried to stuff the pills back into my bag but he saw, "What's this?" He took the bag from my hands & pulled out the packet. Each pill had a day beside it & he studied the packet, then his eyes widened. "MONDAY? Please tell me you just started a new pack?" I looked down at the floor & gulped, "Bec? You have been taking these right?" Slowly I shook my head. "Oh Christ!" Matt ran a hand through his hair.  
"I'm sorry! I just forgot!"  
"Forgot?" His voice was raised slightly, "Bec! Jesus how could you just FORGET?"  
I couldn't even look at him! He was right, I should have been more responsible, but I just hadn't remembered! "I'm sorry! I just…….well…..with everything that's been going on I…..I…" I had no excuses. Matt sighed & sat on the side of the bath with the pills still in his hand, "Bec you could be….." he puffed out a breath, "If I'd known I could have used something….Jesus!" He shook his head & rubbed his face, "Bec you could be…." He bit his lip, he couldn't even say the word!  
"I don't know what to say! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I didn't do this on purpose! I don't want to be pregnant! Please Matt…it'll be ok!" tears welled up in my eyes. "OK! SO I'M stupid! I'm A TOTAL FUCKING IDIOT! I KNOW!" I grabbed the packet from his hands & threw them in the garbage, "I'm sorry Matt!" He stood up & went to the door.  
"PACK YOUR SHIT! WE'RE GOIN' TO RAW!" he shouted & slammed the bathroom door behind him. All I could think was 'Please God don't let me be pregnant!'  
Once I'd calmed down I washed my face, put on some makeup & ventured out into the bedroom to find it empty, no Matt & no cases. I grabbed my jacket & headed out of the door. Jeff was just closing & locking his door aswell so I forced a smile at him.  
"Matt said to tell you he's waiting in the car, he's got your bags."  
"Ok, thanks!" I headed down the hall but as I passed him he touched my arm.  
"Is everything alright? He seemed a bit pissed! He doesn't know you came to see me last night does he? I heard you guys fighting!"  
"No! Everything's cool and no he doesn't know!" I forced another smile & turned to walk away.  
"You're shaking!" Jeff called after me, "You get that slight tremble when you're lying!" I stopped & turned around to look at him! Why did he notice everything about me?  
"Trust me! Everything's just fuckin' peachy!" I threw my hands up in the air. He started to walk towards me, "No Jeff! It's cool really! Ignore me! It'll be ok!" I turned & walked quickly, leaving him in the corridor with his bags around his feet. 


	33. Chapter 33

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked)  
  
Chapter 33  
  
We hardly spoke on the drive to the airport. I didn't know what was happening, all I knew was Shane had called & told them Vince wanted them on Raw and Adam & Shannon would meet us there! My mind whirred with a thousand possibilities of what I could do next & what I could do if I was pregnant, God forbid! Don't get me wrong, given time I would have had ten kids with Matt, but right now things were too unstable, if I was pregnant it would be the end of me & Matt & I didn't know how I would cope with a baby on my own!  
When we got to the arena the fans were out in force again except this time Matt was in no mood for autographs & pleasantries and he politely told them all he was late for work! Jeff made up for his absence and ended up out there for over an hour!  
In the locker room we were greeted by Shannon & Adam. I put on a face & smiled, laughed at their jokes & pretended everything was just fine, until they left. Once me & Matt were alone it was awkward & we didn't speak.  
"I'm havin a shower! The camcorder's in the bag if you want it!" He slammed the bathroom door & I winced. I wasn't in the mood to go around smiling at everyone while I filmed for Jake but I just wanted to get away from Matt for a while so I took the camcorder as an excuse to leave. I didn't know half the guys I passed in the corridors but my mind was elsewhere & I didn't even switch the camera on! I headed in what I hoped was the direction of the main arena & thankfully I was right! I loved this time, before a show when everything was being put together & I sat in an empty seat to watch, still fascinated by the hustle & bustle of the pre-show activities!  
I was lost in my thoughts when a girl came up & asked if she could sit with me.  
"Sure!" I smiled, "Plenty of empty seats!"  
She laughed, "Yeah there is now anyway! I'm Trish!" She held out her hand & I shook it.  
"Bec! Nice to meet you!"  
"Hey Bec! You too! You work here?"  
"No I'm here with a friend, well he's kinda my boyfriend I guess!" Trish looked confused, "Matt, Matt Hardy?"  
She smiled, "Oh so YOU'RE Bec! Now I'm with you! Jeff told me about you!"  
"Oh…um….right!"  
"So you here with Jeff then?"  
"No, no, Matt's here!"  
"Matt's here? At Raw?"  
"Yeah! He's meant to be doing a run in or something with Shannon! Oh & Adam's here too!"  
"Oh cool!" she beamed, "I'll have to catch up with them!"  
"Yeah go for it, they are all in the locker room as far as I know!"  
"Hmm listen I couldn't help but notice you were a little well, away with the fairies there!" she smiled, "Anything I can help you with?"  
I laughed. "I doubt it! But thanks anyway!"  
"Oh here's the man of the moment! Hey Matt!" She stood up & hugged Matt, "so good to see you!" she kissed his cheek.  
"Yeah you too Trish! How've you been lately?"  
"God thanks! Yourself?"  
"Yeah…um Bec I'm goin' down to the ring! Catch you later Trish!" Matt went down the steps & Trish sat back down.  
"Ok so now I get it!"  
"Get what?" I said as I watched Matt walking away.  
"You guys have a fight? That's why you looked so down before! Am I right?"  
I laughed, "yeah, something like that! It's nothing really, just a bit of a tiff!" I lied.  
'Hey girls what's happenin'?" I looked up to see Jeff standing beside us with his hands on his hips, chewing gum as always.  
"Oh hi Jeff! Nothing really, Matt's in the ring!" I looked away.  
"Hey Jeff! I was just getting acquainted with your future sister-in-law here!" Trish smiled & Jeff looked down to the ring, nodding. "I hear from Bec that Adam & Shannon are here too huh?"  
"Yeah….." Jeff said absentmindedly, "listen I better go, catch you girls later!" He headed off in the direction of the ring & I watched him all the way.  
"Nice guy Jeff!" Trish said.  
"What? Oh yeah, he is!" I forced a smile.  
"Mighty fine ass too!" Trish winked.  
"I guess! I hadn't really noticed!"  
"Sure you have!" She nudged me & giggled. I smiled, Oh if only you knew what I'd noticed about him I thought to myself! I went back to watching the guys in the ring. Matt seemed a little overly aggressive & I hoped he wasn't about to take it out on Jeff! "We dated for a while, me & Jeff!"  
"Oh?" I said, turning to face her, "Was it serious?"  
"Naaah! I think I wanted fun & Jeff was all hearts & flowers!" She laughed, "I always used to joke that I was dating the wrong brother!" She giggled, "Oh I didn't mean….well I don't…y'know?"  
"That's ok! I totally understand!" I looked back to the ring.  
"You do?"  
"Yeah!" I sighed then realized how it sounded, "Oh no! I don't mean, with Jeff…me? No!" I forced a smiled, "I meant the hearts & flowers thing y'know? Like as in Matt & Jeff being complete opposites!" I rolled my eyes. "Ok I'm gonna shut up now!"  
Trish laughed, "That's ok! I think I know what you mean!"  
"Ah I'm just feeling sorry for myself, pay no attention!" I smiled, but she was right! I wanted hearts & flowers & I wasn't gonna get that with Matt! I watched them in the ring, things were getting a bit rough & I was getting a bit concerned! Trish was about to say something when Matt clotheslined Jeff with such force it almost knocked him out of his boots!  
"Jesus!" Trish stood up, "Where the hell did that come from? That's not like Matt to slip up like that!"  
Jeff lay in the ring & some of the other guys stared at Matt, who just stood there, staring at his brother on the floor clutching his neck.  
"Go to him Matt!" I said quietly to myself. "Go on! Go to him!" I bit on my lip as Matt still just stood there, "Please God make him go to him!" Trish started down the steps.  
"Something's wrong! You coming?" I slowly shook my head not taking my eyes off the ring.  
"Go to your brother you son of a bitch!" I said through clenched teeth! I knew if he didn't in the next 5 seconds then I was gone! Next plane back to England, out of his life forever! I held my breath & Finally Matt jumped to his brother's aid, sitting him up & putting his arm around his shoulders as Jeff fought to get his breath back! He looked up towards me & I just stood up & left. I was getting tired of his shit & I didn't have the energy for another argument.  
The corridor was full of people and I had to push my way through the crowds to make my way back to the locker room. Just as I reached out for the door handle another hand got to it first, a huge hand & I smiled before I even looked up! I knew it had to be Dwayne!  
"What in Gods name are you doing here!?" I smiled & reached up on tiptoes to hug him.  
"Well, I knew you'd be missing me so I swung it with Vince!" he laughed.  
"Yeah yeah! Now tell me why you're really here!" I laughed & Dwayne opened the door & ushered me inside.  
"Ah ok you got me! Well I'm here to be a bad guy! I'm staying on Raw, well for the time being!"  
"Oh NO! The Rock….a bad guy? Jake will be gutted!" I giggled.  
"Yep I'll be a bit of a nasty bastard but hopefully I can work a comedy aspect into it! I think it'll be fun! Well I hope it will!"  
"I'm sure you'll pull it off!"  
"Well I hate to leave you honey but I have to go to work!" Dwayne stood up.  
"Aww well I guess we'll catch up sometime soon!" I stood up & he hugged me before he said goodbye & left me alone in the locker room. As soon as he closed the door behind him the feeling of dread came over me again! 


	34. Chapter 34

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 34  
  
I was sitting in the locker room in a world of my own when Matt came back in, sweat dripping from his brow. He just looked at me as he wiped his face on the towel that was around his neck & I looked at the floor.  
"I'm gonna take a shower."  
'Ok!" I said quietly, as he went for the bathroom door, then he stopped & turned back to me.  
"It was an accident!"  
"What was?"  
"What happened out there with Jeff, I just hit him harder than I meant to!"  
"OK!"  
"No I saw the way you looked at me, you thought I'd done it on purpose!"  
"Why would I think that?" Matt sighed & shook his head, "Oh wait Matt! I get it! Are you trying to pick a fight with me now is that it?"  
"Don't be ridiculous Bec!"  
"If it's a fight you want then you're trying to wind up the wrong person! I'm too tired to fight with you!"  
"I wasn't trying to…" he sighed, "I need a shower."  
"What are we gonna do Matt?"  
He looked at me, a piercing hard stare, "I don't know? Do you know?" I shook my head. "I don't want kids Bec, not now!"  
"Oh & I DO?" I shouted, "Matt if I'm pregnant, and it's a BIG 'if', then I think I'll throw myself off the nearest bridge! I didn't do this on purpose! I don't want to have a baby Matt, not yet!" I started to cry. "I'm scared!" I wiped my face & looked up at him, "I'm scared & I need you Matt! Please don't be like this!" I was sobbing.  
Matt took a deep breath & looked up at the celing. "I need you Matt!" I said again, "If you're not here for me then tell me now!" Still he didn't say anything & it broke my heart. I slowly walked over to him & kissed him on the lips softly, then I grabbed my purse from the bench & left. I went out into the corridor, tears streamed down my face as I pushed through the crowds of people, I needed to get to the exit! I couldn't see properly & my mind was all messed up, total confusion & panick is the only words I can use to describe how I was feeling. Someone grabbed me & I looked up into the face of Jeff.  
"Bec what's wrong? What's goin on?"  
"Just leave me alone Jeff!" I broke free of his grip & threw myself at the exit, almost falling into the parking lot! ! Jeff ran through the doors after me & grabbed me before I had the chance to run away. I was sobbing.  
"Tell me what's happened!" He held both of my arms & looked into my face, "Calm down & tell me what the hell is goin on! Is it Mick? Steve? What?"   
I shook my head, "Matt!" was all I could blurt out between my sobs.  
"Matt? Something's happened to Matt?"  
"It's over!" I sobbed, "It's over!"  
"Aw Christ!" He held me tightly & my legs almost gave way, I'd never cried like that before, I'd never had a broken heart before! All the time I sobbed, he tried to calm me down, stroking my hair & rocking me slightly. It was a while before I was even able to speak!   
"So where do you think you're going?"" Jeff asked, "You can't just run off in the middle of Texas for God's sake!"  
"I don't know! I have no money, nowhere to go…I can't think straight but I know I can't stay here anymore!"  
"What the hell happened with you two? I mean this morning, well I couldn't help but over hear you guys, well, y'know you seemed happy! Then I hear fighting half an hour later and now you say it's over! I don't get it!"  
"Oh Jeff it's all my fault! I've been so stupid!"  
"Why?"  
"I…….I forgot to take my pill and Matt saw the packet and…."  
"Wait a minute, you're pregnant?" He looked completely stunned! "You……..you're gonna have a baby?"  
"No! That's just it! I don't even know! Jesus it's a long shot!"  
"So you're not pregnant?"  
"I don't know!" I snapped, "I just forgot to take my pills and I think he thinks I did it on purpose and I don't want to be pregnant! I'm so scared!" I looked up at the sky as the tears fell off my chin.  
"Wow!" Jeff took a step backwards & looked at my belly. "There could be a whole new little Hardy in there! It's amazing!"  
I looked at him & he was smiling! Trish's words came back to me, "Hearts & flowers!" why the hell couldn't Matt have reacted like this?  
"So he's finished it with you because you could be pregnant?"  
"No, I walked out! It was so obvious he didn't wanna know! The way he looked at me, the way he acted, I'm not sticking around Jeff, he's had his chance!"  
"Fucking asshole!" Jeff headed for the door. "Don't leave until I get back!"  
"No Jeff don't!"  
He came back to me, "Just promise you will still be here when I get back!" I just looked at him & sobbed. "Please Bec! I promise you, you won't have to do this on your own! If he is gonna be a total shit head about it then…" he swallowed, "…then I'll take care of you!"  
"Jeff, no!" I started to cry & he took me in his arms.  
"It's gonna be ok I promise!" he said over my shoulder, "I'll look after you I swear to God!"  
"You won't need to!"  
We parted to see Matt standing at the door. Jeff went over & squared up to him. "Don't be an asshole about this Jeff!" Matt said quietly, "I need to talk to Bec!" Jeff looked my way & I nodded so he gave Matt one final dirty look before he banged the doors open & went inside. I tried hard to stop crying but I couldn't.  
"He's right, I am a shit head!"  
"Yeah you are!" I said as I wiped my face.  
"Hear me out! I just panicked,'" he bit on his lip, "I panicked & then well…they say you never know what you've got 'til it's gone and ah…" As I looked a tear rolled down his cheek & I was glad! I wanted him to be hurting because then it meant that he actually cared. "I'm sorry!"  
"And?" I spat.  
"What do you mean?"  
"Well how many times am I expected to forgive you? How many times Matt? If it can happen this many times in a week then how many times will I have to forgive you in a year? A lifetime? Is it worth it?"  
"I would like to think so!" he said quietly.  
"And for what?" I put a hand to my head, "What if I AM pregnant? What then?"  
"I don't know I guess we'll cross that bridge….we'll get through it somehow!" He wiped his face.  
"And you'll forever hold it against me won't you? You'll always think deep down that I did it on purpose, did it to trap you! Matt hardy Version 1 saddled with a kid at 27! Poor guy!"  
"No I don't believe that I swear! It was just the shock! I freaked! I'm sorry, please believe me!"  
I looked him up & down & then turned away & started to walk.  
"BEC!" He ran & grabbed my arm, "Please don't go! We can do this I know we can!"  
"No we can't Matt!" My voice was little more than a whisper, "It just won't work!"  
"It will! I swear! Don't leave me!" I started crying again. I couldn't look at him because I knew I'd weaken & go back to him, ending up in a vicious circle of arguments & make ups & I knew I couldn't deal with hurting him. I wouldn't be able to cope with seeing him upset. I pulled my arm from his grip. "Please Bec, Don't do this!"  
"I'm sorry Matt!" I started to walk away. I never knew a broken heart could physically hurt but the pain in my chest was unbearable & I clutched at it as I dragged my heavy legs away from him.  
"I LOVE YOU!" he shouted & I stopped dead in my tracks. I couldn't move, couldn't breathe, I couldn't believe my ears! There were people all around, wrestlers & crew & everything went silent as they all stopped what they were doing & turned to look at me & Matt!   
"IT'S TRUE!" he yelled, "I LOVE YOU!" everyone looked stunned & wide eyes stared at me from every direction! Slowly I turned & the first thing I saw was Jeff standing in the doorway with Shane. To my left Dwayne had stopped rummaging in the trunk of his car & he looked from me to Matt & back again. To my right there was a gaggle of girls, probably Divas, doing the same thing as Dwayne. I opened my mouth to say something but nothing would come out. "I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!" Matt shouted with tears running down his face, "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!" He started to walk towards me slowly & lowered his voice as he got within a couple of feet of me. "I don't care if you're pregnant! I don't care about anything but you! I love you & I'm sorry! I was scared to fall in love but when you walked out of that door I knew it was too late! If you're pregnant then….then…I'M GONNA BE A DAD!" He spread his arms wide & people that heard him gasped & started mumbling to each other.  
"Matt I……I…" I couldn't speak! He stepped closer to me.  
"I'm begging you! Infront of ALL THESE PEOPLE!" He got down on his knees infront of me & I looked around at everyone's open mouths! "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!" he shouted.  
"Stand up Matt!" He didn't argue, he got straight to his feet so we were face to face. "Look me in the eyes & tell me what you just shouted!"  
He put his hands on my arms & looked me directly in the eyes, "I love you Bec! Please don't go!" he whispered.  
I reached out & wiped his wet cheek with my hand & he closed his eyes. I felt like my world had been turned upside down & I didn't know what to say!  
"Matt…I…" I Gulped.  
'Are you leaving me?"  
I looked into his amazing, deep, beautiful eyes full of tears & tried to smile as tears still flowed down my cheeks. I opened my mouth & knew I wouldn't be able to speak so I just shook my head slowly & he beamed from ear to ear!  
"You're staying?" he smiled,  
"Yes!" I whispered.  
"Yes?"  
I smiled, "Yes, I'm staying!"  
He threw his arms around me & lifted me from my feet twirling me around & shouting "WOOOOOOO!" people started to join in with him! He put me back on my feet & held my face in his hands, "You won't regret it I promise you!" He slowly kissed me with more passion than he'd ever done before & People started clapping & cheering as they made their way back inside, slapping Matt on the back as they passed us. When we parted most people had gone inside so we were virtually alone. "I love you Bec!" he said & I smiled. I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from me. "Marry me!"  
"What?"  
"I said…" he got down on one knee & took hold of one of my hands, "I love you! I've been an idiot & I'm sorry! I never want us to be apart! Bec, will you marry me?" 


	35. chapter 35

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 35  
(Disclaimer - I do not own music or lyrics to any songs mentioned in this chapter)  
  
He caught me off guard & I took a step backwards putting a hand to my mouth! When I looked over his shoulder Shane had gone & Dwayne stood in his place with Jeff. I saw Dwayne pat Jeff on the shoulder & go inside, Jeff remained unable to move. He licked his lips as if he was concentrating, or maybe he was just waiting to hear my answer!  
I tore my eyes away from Jeff & looked down at Matt, kneeling there patiently waiting for me to answer his shocking question!  
"Matt…I….I….erm….I don't……"  
"Ok! Ok! I understand! You need time to think about it & that's cool! I can wait!" He smiled & stood up.  
"It's just too fast! Let me get my breath!" I smiled & he hugged me. I looked over his shoulder to see Jeff looking at the ground & then he went back inside, thumping the door as he passed it. He thought I'd said yes!  
**  
The show was great & I couldn't stop smiling! A few people I passed smiled & a few of the girls commented on how totally adorable the whole story was! I didn't even know these people & I was slightly embarrassed!  
Backstage I stood & watched the show on a monitor with Shane.  
"Well I can quite honestly say I've never seen you smile so much!" Shane grinned as we watched a match going on between Victoria & Jackie.  
"Oh don't you start! I'm getting embarrassed!" I laughed, "Total strangers are telling me how lucky I am to have a guy like Matt!"  
"Well do you think you're lucky?"  
"I've always thought that Shane! It just took him a while to catch on!"  
Shane laughed, "Ah I always knew you two were made for each other!" He put his arm around my shoulders & gave me a squeeze, "Didn't I just say that the other night? Huh? Am I not right as per usual?" He winked & I playfully nudged him in the ribs.  
"Right about what?" Matt said as he came up behind me & put his arm around my waist before kissing me on the cheek. Shane moved his arm from my shoulders.  
"Well I was just telling Bec the other night how good you two looked together!"  
"Oh well then I can't argue with you there boss!" He turned me around & kissed me.  
"Hey guys!" I looked up to see Jeff standing nearby. "Wish me luck I'm up next!"  
Matt walked over to his brother & hugged him. It made me smile to see them like that again & Jeff smiled at me over Matt's shoulder! 'Thankyou!' I mouthed at him & he winked. When they parted I stepped forward & put my arms around Jeff, I guess it was a test to gauge Matt's reaction more than anything else! Jeff looked a little nervous that I'd hugged him & he glanced over to Matt with a worried smile on his face!  
"Good luck ugly ass!" I smiled & kissed him on the cheek.  
"Hey watch it! I have a nice ass!"  
"Yeah well Trish seems to think so!" I laughed.  
"Trish huh?" He pursed his lips & nodded thoughtfully, then his music started & he ran off towards the curtain! When I looked at Matt he was laughing & shaking his head - Just the kind of reaction I was hoping for!!  
The match went exceptionally well & Shane even commented that he'd never seen Matt so fired up & into a match as he was that night! He said it was probably his best match ever!! He got a little beat up by half the Raw rosta coming to Jeff's aid, but never the less it worked & it was a job well done!  
**  
Before we left I gave everyone a hug & went to the car while Matt said his goodbyes. I saw him at the door, hugging Jeff again before he came over & dumped a bag in the trunk & got into the passenger seat. He smiled, leaned over & kissed me.  
"What did I do to deserve that?" I giggled.  
"You're still here!" Matt said softly before starting the car.  
We were halfway back to the hotel when he pulled over into a dark turn off to a field!  
"What are we doing here?"  
"I can't wait any longer!" he winked & got out of the car. I laughed & followed him into the field giggling.  
"You're crazy you know that?"  
"Not crazy, just IN LOVE!!"  
"Shhhh! Matt! Someone might hear you!"  
"I don't care! I LOVE THIS WOMAN!" He said, spinning around with his arms outstretched!  
"What if the others go past & see the car!" I laughed as he lifted me off my feet.  
"They won't! They are all going to a club, even Dwayne! Shane hired it for a couple of hours cuz it's Steph's birthday!"  
"Oh? Why weren't we invited?"  
"We were! But I thought we might have more important things to do tonight!"  
"Oh we do huh?"  
He kissed me, "Yeah we do!" He kissed me again & gently lay me down on the dirt. "I can't believe I've been so stupid!"  
"Me too! I mean with the pills & everything! I'm really sorry!"  
"Have you taken one today?"  
"No I threw them in the garbage why?"  
"Ahh right….well….." he rummaged in the pocket of his jeans, "Maybe we can throw these away too then?" He held up a box of condoms.  
"Are you completely crazy?"  
"Nope!" He threw them over his shoulder into the field.  
"MAAAAATT!"  
"Well I thought we should let nature take it's course!"  
"You HAVE lost your mind!"  
"Ah no see I believe in living for the moment & I wanna see what fate has in store for us tonight!"  
"You've been drinking? On drugs?" He shook his head & grinned at me, "Ok! Somebody HELP ME! My boyfriend's been taken over by aliens!!"  
"No, just taken over by leeeerrve!:"  
"Oh now you're scaring me!!"  
"What?"  
"You've gone all weird on me!" I laughed.  
"I love you!" he said softly & kissed my lips.  
"I love you too, so much! I never thought I'd hear those words from you!"  
"I promise from now on you will hear them every day for the rest of your life!" He slowly unbuttoned my jeans & kissed my stomach as he slid them off over my ankles,, He rolled them up & carefully placed them under my head. He took off his jeans & boxers & threw them to the ground & then leaned down & started to slide my knickers down my legs, kissing me all the time. He put them onto his pile of clothes and then slipped back up, parting my legs & licking me inside. Making me moan, but I pulled him up to my face.  
"I want YOU!" I said as I looked into his eyes & I didn't have to ask twice! Once he was inside me we looked at each other without moving, "Matt. Are you sure about this? I mean about everything?" I asked as I brushed some of his hair from his face.  
"Yes. I've never been more sure of anything in my life!" He kissed me, his tongue sliding deep into my mouth & I put my arms around his neck to hold him there. Slowly he started to move & my breathing got heavier.  
"I love you Bec!" he panted as he stared into my eyes. I could've cried I was so happy. We rolled around in the corner of the field locked together in our love, lost in each other. I finally had him! He was mine & I couldn't believe it!  
"Bec I love you!" he panted again as I rolled him onto his back for a third time & took over the rhythm, "I love you, don't stop!" he moaned as I quickened the pace, "Ah……Oh God! I love you!" He rolled me onto my back & thrust into me deep & hard as he came. I was about 5 seconds behind him & I dug my nails into his back & screamed out his name!  
We lay in each other's arms still half naked, looking up at the stars as we lay in a Texas field!  
"Man that was intense!" I sighed.  
"Hey I think we just made a baby!" Matt grinned.  
"Are you completley nuts? Matt you're starting to worry me! I don't know what's come over you!" I giggled.  
"No I'm serious! I have this amazing feeling…."  
"That's because you just got your rocks off dude!"  
Matt looked a little deflated, "Ok, but if it's a boy can we call him Jude?"  
"What?" I leaned up on my elbows & looked at him lying on his back, smiling like a little kid!  
"Jude? I've always liked that name, y'know from the Beatles song? Man my mom was nuts over the Beatles & she drove us crazy with that song!" he laughed.  
"You mean Hey Jude right?"  
"Yeah…..Hey Jude!" he started singing, "Don't make it bad…..take a sad song & make it better…"  
I giggled & joined in, "Remember to let her into your heart, then you can staaaart, to make it better!" We continued to sing the entire song as we got dressed & he put his arm around me to walk back to the car. We laughed & he took me in his arms as we leaned against the car door.  
"And what if it's a girl?!" I giggled, "Oh God now look at me! You have got me sucked into your illusion!!" I playfully punched him in the arm & he laughed.  
"Hey it could be both! There's twins on Mom's side of the family!"  
"Now he tells me!"  
He kissed me, it was so intense, so full of love that it made me shiver.  
"Have I told you I love you today?" he smiled.  
"Once or twice but hey keep it coming, you have some lost time to make up for!" I laughed. He kissed me again then we got into the car.  
+ 


	36. Chapter 36

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel to "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 36  
(Disclaimer - I do not own music or lyrics to any songs mentioned in this chapter)  
  
Matt turned on the radio & started fiddling with the channels until he found one that worked! "Oh leave this on! I love this song!" I turned up the radio as The Calling blared through the speakers & leaned my head back on the seat.  
"Tired?"  
"Yep I'm beat!"  
"Not too tired I hope!" he raised his eyebrows at me & grinned!  
"Depends on what you had in mind Hardy!" I giggled.  
"Ah well, I have my back up boys on standby," He patted his crotch, "All lined up & ready to go!"  
I rolled my eyes, "Oh you hapless romantic you!" we both laughed. The Calling still played on the radio.  
*Run away with my heart *  
"I do love you Bec! Just thought I'd remind you!"  
"How can I forget!" I squeezed his leg & smiled at him.  
*Run away with my love *  
"Seriously Matt I've had the best day! I mean it started out like the worst day……."  
*If I could, Then I would,  
I'll go wherever you will go. *  
"……then it turned into the day from hell!"  
*Way up high or down low  
I'll go wherever you will go *  
"And then you told me you loved me & blew me away!" I smiled.  
"I should have told you sooner!"  
*If I could turn back time  
I'll go wherever you will go *  
"That doesn't matter now!" I smiled at him even though he was concentrating on the road so he wasn't even looking at me!  
*If I could make you mine  
I'll go wherever you will go*  
The song finished.  
"That's quite a fitting song for tonight if you listen to the lyrics!" He said absentmindedly.  
"Hmm I guess!" I turned away from Matt and looked at the road ahead of us. The headlights bounced off trees in an otherwise black & cloudless night. I smiled to myself, I couldn't believe how happy I was & how happy Matt seemed to be!  
Then out of nowhere Mick appeared in the headlights! He was standing right in the middle of the road! I Screamed as Matt swung the car to the right sharply & we spun! "MATT!" I screamed as he fought with the wheel trying to gain control over the car. We did a 360 turn & I grabbed onto the seat & closed my eyes.  
**  
I must have only been out for a few seconds. When I opened my eyes everything was still & there was an eerie silence all around us. I was finding it hard to breathe but I didn't feel any pain at all. I looked down to see my lap was covered in shattered glass. "Matt?" I turned to look in the driver's seat & saw his head lolling onto the window. Blood trickled out of his nose & the corner of his mouth but he looked otherwise unhurt. "Matt?" I said a little louder & tried to reach for him & that's when I felt the first pain, in my shoulder. "AAAH SHIT!" I winced & tears stung my eyes. "MATT! MATT! WAKE UP!" His eyes fluttered slightly, "Matt…COME ON MAN! I NEED YOU WITH ME!"  
His eyes opened & he groaned. "What?"  
"We had an accident & we need to get out of the car right now! Can you move?"  
"Yeah…AAAHHHH!" he clutched at his leg & I almost gagged when I saw the gear stick had gone right through it & out of the other side! "SHIT!" he clutched at his stomach.  
"What? What is it? What's hurting?"  
"It's……. it's my stomach! My ribs, I must have broken some ribs!" he gagged & a gush of blood flowed down his chin! The light wasn't very good but I knew what it was! I could smell the sweet metallic odour, over powering in the confines of the now crushed car!  
"Oh God no!" I whispered & started fumbling with the seat belt. "It's ok Matt, give me a minute I'm coming baby! AH FUCK!" I got the belt off & it caught my shoulder making me cry out.  
"What? What's hurt? Are you ok?" he leaned his head against the window.  
"I'm fine, Matt open your eyes!" He did as I asked. "You have to stay with me, stay awake ok? You hear me?!" I started to cry. "If you love me Matt you will damn well keep your fucking eyes open!"  
Matt smiled, "Don't cry! I'll be fine! Just a few cuts & bruises!" his eyes rolled.  
"MATT DAMMIT STAY WITH ME!!" I screamed & inspite of the searing pain in my shoulder I reached out & grabbed his arm, shaking him frantically. "MATT!"  
"I'm not….going……anywhere….don't……..cry….." He was gasping for air & I sobbed. There was headlights coming towards up so I tried to open my door but it was crushed shut! "Oh please God someone stop!" I whispered.  
"MATT!" I heard a car door slam as someone shouted his name!  
"JEEEEFFF!" I screamed, "Matt listen it's Jeff! It's gonna be ok now! Jeff's here!"  
"Jeff's………here?" He said between gasps.  
"Yeah!" I sighed with relief, "He's here! He'll get you out just hang on there ok?" Matt just groaned.  
Jeff's face appeared at the window. "I can't open the door! Jeff please….get Matt out first!"  
Jeff ran around to Matt's side of the car, "Lean back on the seat bro!" he shouted, "I'm gonna get you out!"  
I had virtually no strength in my arm & I screamed in agony as I pulled Matt away from the door & held my breath but nothing happened!  
"FUCK IT!" he shouted.  
"Hurry Jeff PLEASE!" I screamed. "Matt are you still with me baby? Don't leave me!"  
"I'm……not……..going…..any……..where…" His eyes flickered open & he smiled at me weakly. Jeff yanked the door so hard that the whole thing came off in his hands & he tossed it aside & leaned in.  
"Ok Bro! It's gonna be ok! Come on!"  
"My leg! Get…..Bec out…..out of….here….now Jeff!"  
"NO!" I sobbed, "I'm not leaving you!"  
Matt grabbed hold of Jeff's shirt & pulled him down towards him, "If….you don't get…..her…….the fuck out….of….this car……before me…..I'm….gonna kick……your ass! NOW DO IT!" he yelled at Jeff & Jeff immediately ran around to my side.  
"Look away from the window I need to get the glass out!" I turned my head away as glass shattered all over the back of my head. "Now come on!" Jeff leaned in & put his hands under my arms, trying to heave me out of the window. I screamed from the pain!  
"Don't you…..hurt her….Jeff!"  
"Matt I don't wanna leave you!" I sobbed, but Jeff already had the top half of my body out of the window. I felt someone else grab me aswell & when I looked it was Trish! The stupidest thought crossed my mind at that moment! When I saw Trish all I could think was 'Wow! He works fast!'  
Another car pulled up on the road, followed by another & I heard shouting & people running towards us! Just before my calves came out of the window I could smell something that caused a whole new wave of panick surge up in me!  
"What's that smell?"  
"I've got her! Go get Matt!"  
"Adam?"  
"Yeah sweetheart it's me! Everything's gonna be fine, we just need to get you out!"  
"Adam, that smell…." Then I realized why it had terrified me, it was something burning! "NO!" I screamed & tried to wriggle back into the car to get to Matt!  
"Calm down! Calm down!" Adam heaved me but I was stuck on something & my shoulder snapped back making me scream in agony!   
"She's stuck on something!" he yelled & Trish ran to the car.  
"It's the belt!" She shouted, "Bec keep still your foot is caught in the belt!"   
"MATT!" I sobbed.  
I felt another pair of hands grab me & then I heard Dwayne.  
"Bec, honey listen to me! You have to focus for me come on!"  
"I can't get her foot!" Trish screamed as I still struggled.  
"LISTEN TO ME BEC!" Dwayne yelled in my face, "We have to get you out & your foot is wrapped in the belt!"  
"MATT!" I screamed again.  
"BEC!" I looked up at him through my tears, "Jeff, Shane, Jay, Shannon, everyone's round there helping Matt ok! Trust me sweetheart we're not gonna leave him in the car……look at me, Bec come on! For me babe, just let Trish get you untangled!"  
"Got it!" Trish yelled & the next thing I knew I was lying in a heap on top of Adam & Dwayne. They scrambled up & lifted me between them, carrying me away from the car to the other side of the road. They put me down on the ground & made to run back to the car but I grabbed onto Dwayne's leg.  
"Don't let him die in there Dwayne! I'm begging you!"  
He bent down, "Honey he's not going to die anywhere if I can help it! Stay here with Trish & Vicky ok?" He looked up at the two women, "Who called the medics?"  
"I did!" Trish said,   
'How long are they gonna be?"  
"They said 10 maybe 15 minutes but I can't remember how long ago I called them!"  
"Ok stay here with Bec & DON'T let her out of your sight!"  
"Sure D!" The two girls knelt down beside me & Trish lifted my head onto her lap. "It's gonna be ok!" She whispered & wiped something off my face.  
"Hey with a kick like that ever think of becoming a Diva?" The other woman said, probably trying to take my mind off the chaos that surrounded us. I just stared at the car & didn't answer her.  
"Help me up!"  
"I don't think that's such a good idea! Just wait for the paramedics!"  
"Trish I'm getting up with or without your help!" I started to push myself up off the ground & she sighed & helped me to my feet. I found I couldn't put much weight on my left ankle & my shoulder was throbbing but I didn't care! I just wanted to see Matt out of that car, I needed to know he was ok!  
It seemed like forever waiting there, hoping & praying. The sirens started in the distance & I could see flashing lights coming towards us along the road FINALLY! I'd taken my eyes off the car for just a second & when I looked back, guys were running away from it at break neck speed!  
"NO!" I screamed & tried to run but Vicky grabbed my waist from behind & lifted me off the ground. Adam stood about 10 feet away from the car with his hands on his head screaming, but it wasn't Matt's name he was yelling!  
"JEEEEEEF!" he screamed at the top of his lungs! I stared at the car, flames licked out of the hood.  
"NO! NO! NO!" I screamed & beat my fists on Vicky's arms but she held on tightly with trish's help! I looked at the faces of the guys running away but I couldn't see Jeff & I couldn't see Dwayne! My head was spinning & I felt sick…..then I gagged, bent over & threw up on my shoes! The paramedics pulled up & about 2 seconds after that there was a huge explosion & everyone hit the floor! Vicky & Trish threw me, face first, onto the ground & I screamed. That was it! I'd lost him! I'd lost Matt!  
I managed to wriggle free of Victoria & Trish & I ran headlong towards the car, stumbling when I tried to put weight onto my ankle & falling into someone's arms. I screamed & tried to get to the car but this person had hold of me & held me tightly.  
"Let me go!" I sobbed.  
"Shh….calm down!" said a voice, "It's ok!"  
"Dwayne?" I threw my arms around him, he was covered in dirt & grease & probably blood too, his arms & face were all scratched & his clothes were ripped in various places. "Did you get him out for me Dwayne? Please tell me you got him out!" 


	37. chapter 37

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 37  
  
"Ma'am I'm going to have to ask you to step back please!" a fire fighter tried to usher me away & I shrugged him off.  
Dwayne slumped onto the ground & put his head in his hands. "Dwayne?" I put my hands to my mouth. He looked up at me with tears in his eyes. "Oh no! No! No!"  
"We got him out!"  
"What?"  
"We got him Bec!" he sighed & rubbed his face, "We got him!"  
Without thinking I hobbled towards the burning car, the heat & the smell were overpowering & I almost gagged again. "MATT!" I screamed.  
"Ma'am please!" another fire fighter grabbed my arm & started to lead me away but he was met by a huge guy who took my arm from him & gently pushed the fireman backwards!  
"Her boyfriend? Where is he?"  
"Brock?"  
"Sir I can't tell you anything right now! I don't know anything!"  
"Well how about you go & find out & the lady will stay here with me until you come back ok?"  
The fireman thought about arguing but then turned and ran around the other side of the car.  
"Th……thankyou Brock!"  
He nodded in the direction that the fireman had ran & on the ground I saw Matt with Jeff kneeling beside him among the paramedics! I just took off! I needed to see they were alright! When I reached them the firefighter stood up, "Ma'am PLEASE!"  
"MATT!" I yelled & tried to see past the dumbass who was hell bent on keeping me from him. "GET OUT OF MY WAY!" I shoved at him & knelt down beside Matt, "Matt? Matt? Can you hear me?"  
His eyes fluttered open as the medics lifted him onto a gurney & stood up with them.  
"Matt?"  
"Hey!" he said weakly & started to cough up blood.  
"Oh Matt! Oh God no!" I leaned over the gurney & held him as we walked to the ambulance.  
"Don't cry!" He coughed again, "I hate it when you …." He closed his eyes & winced then opened them again, "when you cry!"  
"It's gonna be ok bro!" Jeff walked at the other side of him, "Hang in there we're getting you to the hospital!" He patted Matt's hand.  
Matt forced a smile, "See, I'm gonna be ok!"  
The ride in the back of the ambulance seemed to take forever. Matt slipped in & out of conciousness & they kept putting an oxygen mask over his face. When we got there they wheeled him away leaving me & Jeff in the corridor.  
"Sir you need to be seen by a doctor! You too ma'am!"  
"We're fine!" Jeff snapped. He was black from the fire & he had several cuts on his face & a huge gash in his arm that was dripping blood onto the floor.  
"Yes well all the same…."  
Two nurses came with wheelchairs & we both reluctantly sat in them. Jeff reached out & grabbed my hand as they pushed us down the corridor & I squeezed it tightly.  
"He's a fighter Bec! He's gonna be ok!"  
"This…" I pulled at my shirt which was soaked in Matt's blood, "This is not fine or OK Jeff!" I sobbed.  
He was about to say something when he was stopped by a doctor.  
"He has internal injuries & we need to get him to surgery now. Who's his next of kin?"  
I put my head on my good arm & sobbed as they had Jeff sign the consent forms. We were separated for about an hour while the nurses fixed us up. My shoulder had been dislocated but had snapped back into place, probably when Adam pulled me from the car. I had a badly sprained ankle which they bandaged up & about 17 cuts that needed stitching, 26 stitches altogether. I didn't even need painkillers, I just felt numb. I'd stopped sobbing & now I just sat perfectly still while they cleaned & stitched the cuts in my head & neck & arms.  
Once they finished I hobbled out to be met by Jeff who looked to have had more stitches than I had!  
"Have you heard? Is he out of surgery?"  
Jeff shook his head, "All we can do is wait! Come on let's go & let the others know what's going on!"  
We went into the waiting room where about 10 guys waited for news, and sat down with them. An hour passed, two, three. I just sat with my head on Jeff's shoulder watching every single second of the clock tick by slowly. We told the others to go back to the hotel but Dwayne & Shane & Shannon wouldn't budge. Jeff had called his dad & Shane had someone send a car for him. It was getting light by the time Gilbert walked into the hospital & Jeff immediately filled him in on everything that had happened. I thought the poor guy was going to collapse. Dwayne kept us supplied with coffee's all night, we were all exhausted but Jeff & Dwayne looked as though they had been in the accident with us they were so beat up! I'd discovered from one of the medics that we'd hit a tree at a considerable force. Jeff asked me what had happened but I couldn't tell him, not until I knew Matt was ok! I just said it happened so fast I couldn't remember.  
6 hours after Matt had gone to surgery some of the guys started to wander back in & I was being hugged by people I didn't even know! One person to walk through the doors was Vince McMahon himself! We exchanged pleasantries & I said Matt would be very greatful for him coming down….blah blah blah! It felt like my mouth was detatched from the rest of my body & I'd just trained it to say the right thing! 6 hours & 45 minutes after Matt had been whisked away from us 2 surgeons came into the waiting room & asked Gilbert & Jeff to go into a private room. They declined & said whatever had to be said could be said infront of his friends. There was now about 20 other guys there all waiting for news on Matt including me!  
One of the surgeons cleared his throat & began a whole long technical speech that I couldn't understand. The words I did hear were 'lungs', 'kidney' and 'irrepairable damage'. I focused on the surgeon trying to take in what he was saying but it didn't seem to matter anyway. I saw Gilbert hugging Jeff and this whole new feeling of calm came over me, it was as if this wasn't really happening, I was about to wake up snuggled up next to Matt in a hotel bed somewhere! I stood up & looked at Jeff.  
"Is he dead?"  
"Perhaps we could take this young lady into a private room?" The surgeon suggested.  
"No, there's no need for that I'm ok! I just want to know that's all!"  
"No he's not dead!" the other surgeon said, "But if we could just explain…"  
"Can I go & see him then?" I saw Jeff & Gilbert look at each other then at me.  
"Take her to a room Jeff!" Dwayne said from behind me, "Just…" he wiped a tear from his cheek & I looked around & noticed other people were crying too & I couldn't understand why!  
Jeff took my arm & led me into a room away from everyone, "Bec, sit down for a minute!"  
"He's ok isn't he Jeff? They said so! Out there they said he wasn't dead! Why are you crying?"  
"Bec…" he sniffed & pulled up a chair beside me, "I need you to listen to me now, I mean REALLY listen ok?"  
The tears flowed down his face but I just didn't understand what was going on, I couldn't grasp the situation at all. I slowly nodded my head & Jeff took a deep breath, "Matt…' he gulped, "He might not wake up ok?"  
"Of course he will Jeff you said so yourself he's a fighter!"  
Jeff swallowed hard again & wiped his face, "No Bec, IF he wakes up…" he sniffed, "It won't be for very long, he's too beat up…." Jeff put his head in his hands & sobbed. Slowly I started to comprehend what he was talking about, then I couldn't breathe!  
"No!" I gasped for air, "NO Jeff NO!" I grabbed his arm, "He has to be ok! You tell me we're gonna take him home Jeff! TELL ME!" he shook his head. "NO!" I started to cry, "This isn't happening! Jeff don't let this happen! He can't die!" I sobbed & Jeff threw his arms around me.  
"I can't help him Bec! I can't! I can't!" he sobbed.  
We didn't know Gilbert had come into the room until we felt his arms around us, all three of us sobbed for a very long time. 


	38. Chapter 38

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 38  
  
I sat with Matt all day. He just looked like he was sleeping. Machines told me his heart was beating, the noise & the beeps soothed me in some way as I lay on the bed with my ass on the chair & my head on the bed resting on my good arm, never taking my eyes off his face. Various people came in & out, checking charts & drips but I didn't really see them. Gilbert sat on the opposite side of the bed talking & talking to his eldest son about God knows what, I couldn't take it in! Jeff sat beside me, one hand on my back & the other holding his head. Everything went in slow motion & I felt disorientated, numb. It wasn't happening. Matt was just asleep & when he woke up we were going home. My eyes started to close & I couldn't stop them. I slept & dreamed Matt got on one knee & proposed & I said yes! I didn't piss around with 'I need more time!" and 'Let me catch my breath!" I just said yes straight out! We were so happy! I was pregnant, everything was alright, as it should be.  
"Bec?" I opened my eyes, it was Jeff. He'd been to the hotel & had a shower & got changed. I felt like shit when I tried to move. "I brought you some clean clothes. Vicky sent them for you! I didn't think you'd have anything if your bags were in the car!"  
"Adam put our bags in with his…….I don't know why Matt did that?"  
"Come on, the doctor said you can have a shower, get changed you'll feel better for it!" he helped me up out of my seat & before I left I kissed Matt's cheek.  
Trish helped me in the shower. I just stood there & let the water wash over me, thinking about everything & nothing. When we got back to the room there was a doctor talking to Jeff & Gilbert & I rushed in to hear what he had to say. I caught the end of the conversation & all I heard was "Not likely to make it through the night!" I was devastated! I ran out of the room as fast as I could on my busted ankle & straight into Dwayne.  
"Bec!" he put his arms around me & I sobbed into his chest. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"  
"He's not gonna make it through the night! Dwayne I can't do this!"  
"Yes you can!"  
"I can't!" I sobbed, "I can't live without him I can't do it!"  
**  
BUT Matt hardy in true Hardy fashion defied all the odds & 3 days later he was still hanging on! Every day the doctors told us it would be his last & still, somehow he was clinging to life like I knew he could! 5 days after they'd told us he wouldn't make it through the night he opened his eyes & spoke!  
"Dad?" We all turned & stared at him lying there with his eyes open! I ran out of the room to fetch a doctor!  
"He's awake! He's talking!" I said with a few tears & a smile at the doctor! He nodded. "So he's gonna be ok then right? I mean he's awake & he recognized his Dad!" I was so excited but the doctor bit on his lip & shook his head. He went to say something but I cut him off. "No? What do you mean no? Of course he is! He's talking! He's awake HELLO?!" I shouted at him. Dwayne ran over & put his arm around my shoulders, "Oh SCREW YOU! YOU THINK CAUSE YOU WEAR THAT UNIFORM THAT YOU KNOW EVERYTHING!" Tears fell down my face, "Well let me tell you something, you don't know Matt Hardy! He'll show you! He'll prove you wrong the lot of you! Stuck up bastard doctors!!"  
Dwayne held me in his arms, "Hey hey come on!"  
Jeff ran out of Matt's room, "He's asking for you!" I closed my eyes & bit on my lip. "Thankyou GOD!" I whispered. I wiped my face, straightened my hair & went into the room. "Matt?"  
"There you are!" he said weakly, "I thought you'd ran off on me!"  
"Oh Matt!" I couldn't stop the tears as I ran to the side of the bed & held his hand.  
"You never answered my question!" he said in a croaky voice.  
I took a deep breath, "The answer is yes! I will marry you!" he smiled & a tear fell down his face & onto the pillow.  
"We'll go, let you have some time.' Jeff put his arm around his Dad's shoulders & they went for the door.  
"No don't go! That's something I don't have much of….time!"  
"Don't talk like that Matt! You're gonna be ok! We're getting married!"  
Matt closed his eyes & more tears fell, "Listen to me Bec, I'm not getting out of this bed!"  
"Don't say that!" I sobbed.  
"Jeff come here a minute!" I moved to the side so Jeff could get to his brother.  
"What's up bro?" Jeff sniffed.  
Matt forced a smile, "You're in love with her aren't you?" Jeff gave me a quick glance.  
"Come on Matt! Don't talk like that!" Jeff said as he took hold of his brother's hand.  
* So lately, been wonderin' who will be there to take my place*  
"Jeff just be honest with me I haven't got time to mess around! I know you are I can see it in your eyes! Do you love her?"  
Jeff's tears fell down his face & he nodded. Gilbert put his arm around my shoulders as I cried.  
*When I'm gone, You'll need love, to light the shadows on your face*  
" I'm sorry Matt!" Jeff sobbed, "I didn't mean to…"  
Matt smiled, as his own tears continued to fall. "It's ok bro! I figured it out myself!" he squeezed his younger brother's hand.  
*if a great wave shall fall, it will fall upon us all*  
"I need you to look after her Jeff!"  
"Don't talk like that Matt!" I sobbed & went around the other side of the bed taking hold of his other hand.  
"Don't cry!" he smiled, "It's gonna be ok!"  
*And between the sand & stone could you make it on your own*  
"Jeff, promise me you will love her for me……for both of us?" Jeff leaned down & put his head on his brother's shoulder & sobbed. "You have to tell me Jeff, promise me please!" he winced again. Jeff nodded.  
"I'll take care of her Matt I promise!"  
"That's not what I asked you!"  
Jeff gulped, "I love her Matt!" He wiped his face but it was soon soaked with tears again, "I swear to you I'll love her enough, for both of us!"  
*If I could, then I would, I'll go wherever you will go  
Way up high, or down low, I'll go wherever you will go*  
"And if she's pregnant?"  
"It'll be ok! I'll see that she's ok! Don't worry about it!"  
"You have to tell her you love her every day! Promise me Jeff, every day!"  
"I…..I promise!"  
"Matt stop it please!" I sobbed & he turned to look at me.  
"Let him look after you! Don't be stubborn!"  
"NO!"  
"Tell me you'll let him take care of you!" He smiled through his tears, "I can't go until you tell me!"  
I threw my head on his chest & I sobbed my heart out, "Then I'm not telling you! I don't want you to leave me! Please Matt! I need you!" My whole body was shaking with sobs.  
*And maybe I'll find out a way to make it back someday  
To watch you, to guide you through the darkest of your days*  
"Don't go! I love you!"  
"I love you too! But you have to let Jeff take care of you now ok?"  
"No!"  
Matt sighed, "Bec listen to me! I don't wanna go but this is it ok?" He was crying, "I'm so scared!" His voice was barely a whisper.  
"Don't be scared! You're gonna be fine!"  
"I'll be less scared if I know you are gonna be with Jeff!" I looked at his face then looked at Jeff.  
"Son?" Gilbert stood up, "She'll be ok, don't be scared I'll see to it! I'll see to everything, just like I always do ok?" He went to Matt & kissed him on the forehead. "I can't be…..here right now! Erm…I'm gonna go! But I'll see you soon son! I'll see you soon! I love you Matthew!"   
*If a great wave shall fall it'll fall upon us all  
And I hope there's someone out there who can bring me back to you*  
Gilbert walked out of the room & I saw Dwayne grab him as he collapsed outside the door.  
"There's something in my bag, in the side pocket Jeff. I want you to give it to Bec! Not now, but keep it! Give it to her sometime!"  
"Sure bro!"  
"Matt I love you! Please stay here with me! I can't live without you!"  
"Yes you can! Oh God Bec I would give anything to stay but I can't babe! You can do this I know you can!" he looked up at Jeff, "Don't let her do anything stupid!"  
"I won't!"  
*I know now, just quite how, my life & love might still go on*  
"Bec I love you & I'm sorry!"  
"Don't be sorry! Dammit Matt just fight it! You're gonna be ok! You have to be ok! I won't let you go! I won't!" He pulled me to him & kissed my lips as I cried. He put my head to his chest & stroked my hair.  
"Don't cry! I'm always making you …….cry." He winced & closed his eyes.  
*In your heart and your mind, I'll stay with you for all of time*  
That was it. He was gone. I screamed his name. A doctor ran in. Jeff grabbed me & held me tightly to his chest & we both cried so hard it hurt. 


	39. Chapter 39

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 39  
  
I sat with Matt for over 2 hours. I just stared at him trying to will him to open his eyes & say 'Gotcha!' I was numb. I couldn't even cry anymore, it was like my whole mind had just switched off! I held his hand. He was getting cold & I rubbed it to try & keep him warm. I stood up & pulled the sheets up around his neck. There was someone in the room with me, in the shadows in the corner. I figured it was Jeff & paid little attention until he spoke!  
"We're even now."  
I looked up as Mick stepped out of the darkness & I just stared at him as he walked over to the bed & studied Matt. "Mick!" I said quietly through clenched teeth. It was just my mind playing tricks on me again I was sure of it! I closed my eyes & took a deep breath.   
"How does it feel Bec? To have your heart ripped out?"  
"Go away. I'm not afraid of you Mick. You can't hurt me anymore." I said quietly & calmly, still not opening my eyes.  
"I felt for you what you felt for this………this worthless pieces of shit! Did you realize that?"  
"Matt isn't worthless. He's worth a million of you."  
"Was my darling……was!" I opened my eyes to see him grinning at me coldly. "Hurts like hell doesn't it sweetheart?"  
"Go away. I don't have the energy to deal with your shit anymore." He put his hand out to touch Matt's face. "Don't you touch him you bastard!" I snapped, although my voice sounded hard, detatched. He could kill me right there & then & it wouldn't matter, not anymore.  
He withdrew his hand & sniggered. "Well you won't be seeing me anymore!" he sighed, "I've done what I set out to do. It's done." He looked at Matt again & grinned, bent down & whispered in Matt's ear, "Game over, I win!"  
"You're a sick son of a bitch Mick!"  
He chewed on his gum and smiled from the corner of his mouth, "Hey I thought that's what you loved about me?"  
"Fuck off."  
"Oh but did you ever really love me? I mean you never screamed my name the way you screamed his!" He gestured to the bed.  
"What would you know about it?"  
"Oh I know Bec, I was there I saw everything!"  
I closed my eyes, "Bullshit! Just go away."  
"Matt I love you!" He mocked, "Matt I need you! Matt I'll come for you!"  
"FUCK OFF MICK!" I stood up & tears stung my eyes. "JUST FUCK OFF! DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT HIM LIKE THAT! YOU WERE NEVER FIT TO LICK HIS BOOTS!"  
He laughed again. "You silly silly little girl! You couldn't see it could you? I mean I could have made you happy in ways he never even dreamed of! Oh wait I get it, it was two for the price of one with him wasn't it?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"Fuck him you get the brother thrown in free!" He sniggered again, "You always were a sucker for a pretty face!" He touched Matt's hair & I closed my eyes & winced. "Y'know at first it was difficult to tell which one of them you loved the most! I expect you had the same problem…….well not to worry I solved that one for ya!" He winked at me. "I almost killed the other one, that night in the hotel….but well I saw you in the lobby, with this…." He gestured towards Matt again. "That's why I threw you the keys, I knew you'd be smart enough to work out the cryptics!"  
"I never killed you Mick! You needn't have done this! If you'd come to me I would have left him to keep him alive!"  
"Oh quite the little drama queen these days aren't we? Watching too much…….TV?" He was right up in my face in an instant & I jumped backwards as he spat the word 'TV' into my face. "Don't kid yourself, I didn't want you, you're nothing! A pathetic little slut! No I just wanted to hurt you!"  
"Well you succeeded now go away Mick."  
"You have no idea what you did to me do you?"  
"I don't even care! Just leave."  
"Ok!" He went to the door, "Goodbye Rebecca! Have a….." he grinned & looked at Matt, "…happy life!"  
I walked over to him at the door, "Rot in hell Mick!" I spat at him.  
"Oh I probably will sweetheart!" He threw his head back laughing & he touched my cheek, I closed my eyes & shivered at his touch. "I probably will!" he laughed again & I could hear him laughing as he walked away down the corridor.  
I went back to the bed & sat with Matt again.   
"It's time to go Bec!" I looked up to see Jeff in the doorway & I shook my head.  
"No not yet. I can't leave him."  
"You won't be leaving him, he's not here anymore!"  
I looked at him lying on the bed. I knew Jeff was right. Matt had gone. I looked at his face, he had a small cut above his left eye but other than that it was perfect! It looked like he wasn't even hurt at all. I stroked his forehead & kissed his cheek. "I have to go now baby!" I smiled at him, "Call me…….when you get home!" I kissed him again, this time on the mouth. It would be the last time I'd feel his lips on mine & I let it linger. We were walking out of the door when Jeff stopped & turned back, leaving me in the doorway. He bent down & kissed Matt's forehead.  
"Can you just hear him now?" He laughed & his tears fell again so I went to him, "Don't be an asshole about this Jeff!" he sniffed. I took him in my arms, "Why can't he just get up & slap me in the face? Or yank my hair cause I've dyed it a stupid colour?" I let him cry on me again, but I had no more tears, not that day.  
When we finally went out of the room I was amazed to see about 30 guys in the waiting room. So many faces I didn't recognize stood up as Jeff & I rounded the corner. Adam came to me first. He didn't say a word, he just took me & Jeff into his arms & cried. Jay followed him, then Shane, Trish. Shannon was a wreck. Poor guy could barely stand up. Then one by one each & every guy & girl in the waiting room stood up & did the same, no one even spoke, it was surreal! I watched as 30 more guys filtered in through the doors, I couldn't believe it! It made me smile! We were there for ages, every single person coming up to us, hugging us & leaving. It was amazingly comforting to know that so many people cared. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Gilbert, he was standing back, away from view & he was smiling although the tears still ran down his face!  
When the mass of people had gone I looked around to see one more person sitting alone in among the virtually empty chairs. It was Dwayne. He stood up & came over to me as Jeff went to his father.  
"Bec." He nodded.  
"Dwayne." I nodded back & we just looked at each other.  
"I don't know what to say!" He hung his head.  
"You don't have to say anything. I bit on my lip, "But I have to thank you, for everything you have done!"  
"I didn't do….." he wiped his face, "I…..I told you I wouldn't let him……" tears fell down his cheeks.  
"You didn't!" I smiled & lifted his face up to look at him, "You got him out of that car and you gave me 10 minutes with him that I would never have had! You don't know what that stupid 10 minutes means to me, you can never know!" I put my arms around him & he had to bend down to put his head on my shoulder & cry. Jeff & Gilbert came over & we all held each other. After about 5 minutes we made for the door, arm in arm, with me sandwiched between Jeff & Dwayne. It had rained for 3 days non stop, but when we got outside the sun was shining & I squinted. I couldn't remember the last time I'd been outside & I took a deep breath of the fresh air, it felt good. Still arm in arm we walked down the steps. Gilbert looked up at the blue sky, his eyes were swollen & puffy from all the crying & he squinted. We all basically looked like shit but it wasn't important.  
"Looks like it's gonna be ok!" Gilbert said, referring to the weather.  
"Yeah." Jeff looked at me & gave me a squeeze, "Looks like it is!" 


	40. Chapter 40

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")   
Chapter 40  
  
We went back to Cameron that afternoon. As soon as I got home Mary was fussing over me but I just wanted to be left alone. Jeff came up to my room with me while Gilbert stayed downstairs with Mary, he wasn't ready to go home just yet.  
"I need to call home sometime I guess."  
"Ok I'll erm….go & let you use the phone!" Jeff headed for the door.  
"Jeff no stay! I need to tell you something," I hung my head, "Something about the accident." He turned around & came back to me, "It was Mick! He stepped onto the road & Matt……Matt tried to avoid him…and well…. I'm sorry Jeff! I killed your brother!" Jeff just looked at me, "If I had just stayed home Jeff…." He looked up at the celing & bit his lip. "I shouldn't have gone I'm sorry!"  
He sighed, "Yeah & if only Brock hadn't been injured, if only Shane & Eric hadn't concoted this stupid plan to take him to Raw,…..Bec there's a lot of what ifs, it's not your fault!" he hugged me.  
"Jeff?" I said over his shoulder, "he was at the hospital."   
Jeff's grip on me loosened & I felt him take in a deep breath. "Mick was?" I nodded. Jeff left go of me, "Son of a bitch! Why didn't you come get me?"  
"Because there was no point! Killing Mick won't bring Matt back it would have ended up with me losing both of you in the same day & I can not cope with anything else right now!" I shouted at him. I picked up the phone & started to dial the number for home.  
"What are you doing?"  
"If Mum lied to me I'll never forgive her Jeff I swear!"  
"Maybe you should do this another time Bec, once you've had time to think!"  
"Too late Jeff I need to know now! Hello Mum? It's me!"  
Jeff & I sat on the bed & he put his head in his hands.  
"Rebecca! Oh Thank GOD! We've been worried sick! Darling are you ok?"  
"Yes mum I'm fine."  
"God it's been awful we didn't know…..well Jake saw on TV, on the wrestling that Matt had a car accident & we didn't know where you were & couldn't get intouch with anyone! Were you in the car?"  
"Mum please calm down, yes I was in the car with him but I'm fine. Just cuts & bruises!"  
"And is Matt ok now?"  
I looked up at the celing & swallowed hard, "No Mum, he's not ok!"  
"Oh Bec I'm……..Oh Bec sweetie you don't mean……he's not…"  
"Yeah." I whispered, trying to keep my tears at bay again, "He ahh….he died this morning Mum!"  
"Oh Rebecca!" Mum started to cry, "I'm so sorry! Are you ok?"  
"No Mum, not really…."  
"Do you want me to come over honey?"  
I was about to say no when I realized I really needed her right about then. "Actually Mum that would be good, if you could?" Jeff put his arm around me & rubbed my shoulder. "Mum, I need you to tell me the truth now, about Mick!"  
"Mick?"  
"Yeah, when did he get out Mum?"  
"He….he didn't!"  
"Yeah he did, I saw him Mum."  
Silence  
"Mum?"  
"Bec honey, when did you see him? You couldn't have seen him!"  
"Yeah I saw him a few times over the last week, look Mum I think he was out to cause the accident, I really need to know why you didn't just tell me when I called you from South Carolina!"  
"I……Rebecca…..he's dead!"  
"When? How is that possible I only saw the bastard this morning!" I rubbed my temple, "Please tell me he got ploughed down by a freakin bus outside the hospital!"  
Silence  
"Mum? Are you there?"  
"Honey he died last week!"  
"That's not poss……" I stared at the wall.  
"Bec?" Jeff squeezed me.  
"Rebecca I swear to you he died in his cell, someone got him drugs or….or something….he overdosed…..a week last Monday, so…..so you couldn't have seen him!"  
"I saw him Mum!" I whispered.  
"Rebecca I'm coming over as soon as I can get a flight……Bec?"  
I dropped the phone & stared into space. This was NOT happening! I was going crazy!! Jeff picked up the phone & finished off my conversation with Mum then hung up. She'd obviously told him what she'd just told me.  
"I'm losing my mind Jeff! Matt was right all along!"  
"I don't think you're losing your mind! I think you saw him, I think he was there!" My mind raced but then I started to think of the things that had happened. If he had really been in the road then where the hell was he after the accident? How did he get into Jeff's room while Jeff was still in there, to get the manic? How the hell did my pajamas disappear & reappear? When the keys seemed to come out of nowhere, maybe they did? The smell in the ladies room in McDonalds….it all made perfect sense while making no sense at all. Jeff took me in his arms & we lay on the bed together. Mick was never mentioned again, it was just another one of those unspoken understandings Jeff & I seemed to be getting good at! I snuggled my head into his chest. Damn it felt like Matt! He kissed the top of my head.   
"It'll be alright Bec. I love you!" he whispered. I closed my eyes & fell asleep in his arms.  
The first couple of days were ok, I wasn't feeling too bad, infact I felt calm, almost peaceful…..and then I had to get through the funeral. It was so hard. I felt like I was going to die, I wanted to die. Mum was there with me but Dad had stayed home with Jake. I was so greatful she was there, I hadn't realized just how much I needed her. There was 100's of people there, all of them there for Matt. Dwayne spoke in the church in place of Jeff, he was a wreck, he couldn't even get out of his seat when it was time for him to stand up & speak. Dwayne got up from behind us, patted Jeff on the shoulder & spoke for him. Shane & Vince spoke too, it was all very hard to listen to. Jeff & I just clung to each other the entire time & I didn't think we were going to get through the day but we did.  
The next few days were even worse. I can't begin to describe to you how I felt, if you've ever lost someone you love you'll know what I mean when I say I felt dead inside. I had nothing left. My life was in limbo. I quit my job. I didn't think I was in any fit state to look after kids. I kept having lapses, short periods of time when my mind would just go blank & I'd stare into space. I burned food or I hung up the phone in mid-sentence and one time I seemed to 'wake up' I was standing by the river & I had no recollection of even leaving the house! It'd be way too dangerous for me to be left in charge of children.  
I moved in with Jeff & Gilbert, they gave me Matt's old room & I wouldn't have anything changed not even the bed sheets. The first night I stayed there I pulled on one of his sweaters & curled up in his bed, with his pillow in my arms. I could smell him on the bedclothes. I cried myself to sleep every night for a month. It was almost unbearable.  
About 10 weeks after his death I was outside on the porch smoking yet another cigarette, when Jeff came outside & snapped me back to reality. He'd kept his word to Matt & he was watching over me, most nights he would slide into the bed beside me just to hold me & I always heard 'I Love You' every day. He'd been my rock, AGAIN!  
"Have you done the test?"  
I took another drag on my cigarette & pulled my knees up to my chest & Nodded.  
"And?" he asked.  
I shrugged my shoulders, "I can't look at it! I don't know!"  
He sat down & put his arm around me & I leaned my head back onto his shoulder. "Matt stole this from me y'know?" He pulled at the jersey I was wearing & I smiled. He sighed & Held me for about 10 minutes, in silence. We just stared out into the field. "Want me to look for you?"  
I took a deep breath, "It's in the bathroom."  
Jeff nodded, "And what do you want it to be?"  
"I don't know Jeff! I'm so…." I rubbed my temple, "I don't know! I honestly don't know! I need another cigarette!" I stood up & picked up the carton, seemed like all I'd done these past few weeks was sit on the porch staring into space & smoking. I lit one up & turned to face Jeff, "I mean if I'm not then that's it! I never ever get another chance!" I folded my arms & leaned back onto the rail. "And if I am then….." I started to cry & he immediately got up & took me in his arms. "It's crazy! I'm scared that I am & I'm scared that I'm not!" Jeff stroked my hair.  
"It's ok! I understand! Shhhh." He waited until I'd calmed down & then looked at me, "You coming in or staying here?"  
"I'm staying here!" I took a deep drag on my cigarette, I was shaking.  
"Ok I'll be right back!" he kissed my cheek & went inside.  
Once alone I sat back onto the bench & thought again about that last wonderful day I had with matt. He'd been so happy, it made me smile when I thought about him twirling around in that field shouting! Then I remembered us making love, the way he'd told me he loved me over & over & the feel of his flesh on mine. I crossed my arms over my chest & hugged myself as the pain in my heart made me start to cry again. I lay down on the bench & closed my eyes remembering every kiss, every touch & the tears flowed faster & harder, it hurt so much. I heard the door open & I opened my eyes to see Jeff standing there with the test in one hand & reading the instructions from the box in the other. His hands were shaking almost as much as mine!  
"Wanna see?"  
I shook my head & sat up, staring out into the field. "Just tell me!" I closed my eyes & took a deep breath.  
"It's positive." He said. 


	41. Chapter 41

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 41  
  
I nodded slowly. I didn't know what to think! I was pregnant, Matt's baby was growing inside of me & yet I felt so confused as to how I was feeling! I looked at the cigarette in my hand & threw it to the ground.  
"Guess I'm quitting these again then huh?"  
Jeff came & sat down beside me. "How do you feel?"  
I shrugged my shoulders, "I dunno really I'm erm…..wow I guess!" I stared out across the field. "How am I supposed to feel Jeff?"  
"I don't know!" he put a hand on my leg, "You're gonna have a baby Bec! You're gonna have my brother's baby!"  
"Don't!" I wiped a tear from my cheek.  
We sat in silence. I closed my eyes & remembered that last night we had together. 'Hey I think we just made a baby!' I smiled to myself, he was so sure, God how I loved him, life was so unfair! Why did he have to die? He never did anything wrong & yet there was criminals, rapists & child murderers that were still waking up every morning! I was angry, I was frustrated & I was…..pregnant! Pregnant, pregnant, Pregnant, I said it over & over in my mind but it still didn't get any easier to comprehend!  
"How do you feel about it?" I asked.  
"What do you mean?"  
"Well he was your brother, how do you feel?"  
Jeff sighed, "I dunno, weird I guess! It's like, well it's an amazing thing y'know, you're gonna have a baby!" He smiled, "But Matt's not here and….." I started to cry, "Oh hey I'm sorry! I didn't mean to upset you!"  
"It's not hard to do these days!" He handed me a tissue & I wiped my eyes, "Y'know I ran out of the store the other day because The Calling came on the radio!" I tried to smile, "I dumped my groceries on the floor & just ran! It's like I have no control over my emotions! It's never gonna get any better Jeff!"  
"It will, I promise you it will get easier!" he put his arm around me, "I've done it before, when Mom died. I thought it was the end of the world but I got up every morning & went to bed every night, did my school work, ate my meals, carried on, and the days just got better somehow! Trust me Bec!"  
"I can't see it! I can't see how I'll ever get over it……I miss him so much!" I cried.  
"Yeah I know, I miss him too! You will never get over losing him Bec, none of us will, but it will get easier to cope with him not being here anymore that's all! It WILL get easier babe!"  
I stopped crying & smiled. "Matt always called me babe!" I let out a little laugh.  
"Sorry." Jeff hung his head.  
"It's ok! It was kind of a nice reminder!" I wiped my face & took a deep breath, "So, I guess I'm gonna have a baby then huh?" I smiled & sniffed.  
"Yeah!" Jeff smiled, "That's my niece or nephew in there!" he patted my stomach & something dawned on me…..it was the only niece or nephew Jeff was ever going to get! I turned to face him & threw my arms around his neck. "Hey what's this for?" he laughed.  
"I don't know!" I said over his shoulder.  
He ran a hand through my hair & I closed my eyes. "I'm not complaining!" he said softly. I made to pull away but he held me as we were cheek to cheek & kissed me softly. "Bec?" he whispered in my ear.  
I swallowed hard, "Yeah?" I could hear him breathing in my ear, feel the pulse in his neck quicken.  
He sighed, "It'll be ok!" he whispered. I nodded. Slowly I pulled away from his grip & we stared into each other's eyes for a few seconds. He moved closer to kiss me & I turned my head so his kiss landed on my cheek & he kept it there as he closed his eyes. "I'm sorry." His lips moved against my cheek.  
"I can't….I…." I sighed, "I'm sorry." I stood up & went inside, leaving Jeff alone on the porch with his head in his hands.  
Gilbert was in the kitchen making coffee when I walked in. He looked so much older than his years & he'd suffered more in his lifetime than any man should have to endure. I smiled when he looked at me.  
"Coffee?" he asked.  
"Yeah, thanks!" I sat at the table & waited for him to bring my drink. He sat down opposite me & put the cups on the table.  
"So how are you bearing up?"  
I let out a laugh, "I'm not! You?"  
He shook his head & sighed as he looked into his cup. "I was thinkin' y'know maybe it's time we did something with that room……get his stuff sorted out and maybe a…"  
"No."  
"It has to be done girl, you can't stay in it like that with all your stuff still in bags! There's perfectly decent closets in there!"  
"They're Matt's closets!" I heard myself saying it & I realized how pathetic it sounded but I couldn't help it.  
"Yeah but still we could…"  
"I'm pregnant!" I blurted out.  
Gilbert stopped with his cup halfway to his mouth and stared at me. He put his cup back on the table without taking his eyes off me. Then without saying a word he stood up & held out his arms for me as he came around the table. I stood up & just let him hold me. I cried & cried & just let go completely.  
"I want Matt!" I said as I wept.  
"I know honey!" he stroked my hair, "I know you do!"  
"I can't do this on my own! Why did he have to die Gilbert? Why?"  
"I don't know!" He rocked me. "But I do know he wouldn't want to see you like this sweetheart! Come on!"  
"I can't help it! I need him!" I sniffed, "God it hurts so much!"  
He held me for a long time while I cried on his shoulder. 


	42. Chapter 42

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 42  
  
Over the next few days I hardly even came out of my room. I felt closer to him, surrounded by all his stuff, his pictures on the wall, his clothes in the closet, even his boots remained under the bed where he left them. All I did was sleep, I didn't even take a shower! Jeff kept coming in & sitting on the bed, I always knew when he was there but nine times out of ten I didn't even open my eyes. When my eyes were closed I could see Matt perfectly, everything about him still sharp in my mind, even his smell. If I opened my eyes he wasn't there, it was just easier to keep them closed. Gilbert brought me food & coffee & stayed with me until I'd eaten something. I just picked at the meals he brought me. There was no point in eating, I had nothing left to live for. If I died I would be with Matt again, that was all I wanted. Life had no meaning for me anymore.  
Jeff & Gilbert tried really hard to help me but I didn't want help, I just wanted to stop living! Jeff even got Dwayne to speak to me on the phone and although I did talk to him for over an hour I still felt the same. Jeff started to sleep in the bed with me every night. He would talk about Matt for hours as he held me in his arms. He would always tell me how much he loved me, but it meant nothing to me, it was just another bunch of hollow words. I didn't even cry anymore. I had nothing left, no feelings, no emotions, I was in my own private hell with no way of ever escaping.  
I went on like this for an entire week. Then one day I opened my eyes & I heard someone singing. I sat up in bed, listening, that song…..it drew me out of my room for the first time IN DAYS. I walked along the hall & down the stairs as if I was in a trance! When I got into the living room I could still hear it getting louder.  
  
*Remember, to let her into your heart, then you can start, to make it better*  
  
It was Jeff. He was washing dishes in the sink & singing to himself.  
  
*Hey Jude, don't be afraid, you were made to go out & get her *  
  
I found my lips moving, mouthing the words. Jeff didn't know I was there, he had his back to me, until I started to quietly sing along with him.  
  
*The minute you let her under your skin, then you begin, to make it better *  
  
He turned & looked at me, "Bec! You're up!" he smiled.  
"Me & Matt sang that song!" I started to cry but I wasn't sad any more! I began to feel warm inside & I smiled through my tears, "Man he could NOT sing in tune!"  
Jeff looked at me, amazed for a second & then he started to laugh…..and I laughed too! It was like I'd found this amazing feeling, I could laugh! I was laughing & crying at the same time! Jeff stopped laughing & smiled at me.  
"Feeling better now?"  
"Oh….yeah….a little!" I went to sit down but he held my arm as I went past him. I looked up into his face & he touched my cheek & smiled.  
"It will get better y'know? But you have to want it to get better!"  
"Yeah!" I smiled, "I do want it to get better!" I went to kiss his cheek but he turned his head so out lips touched. I let it happen, for a few seconds I just stood there.  
"Bec you're….." Gilbert looked from one of us to the other & I just hung my head. He looked us up & down then walked straight past us & outside. We both just stood looking at the door for a second.  
"I'm gonna go….take a shower!" I walked out of the kitchen.  
Once I was under the water my mind wandered back to Matt & I sighed. It suddenly dawned on me that when we were in the hospital Jeff had admitted he was in love with me! At the time it had been so unimportant & I hadn't really taken any notice, I had other things on my mind. But now…..God it hit me like a brick! But it was wrong, so damn wrong! When our lips had touched I had felt alive again, but there was no way I could even contemplate being with Jeff! It just wasn't right & it wouldn't be happening!  
  
Gilbert was very quiet for the rest of the day. Over dinner he hardly spoke a word to either of us. I didn't know why. Jeff cleared his throat & tried to make conversation.  
"I'm thinking about going back to work."  
Gilbert swallowed his food & took a drink from his glass. "Well maybe that'll be a good thing son. Life goes on."  
I looked at the food on my plate, I had to force it into my mouth. It didn't seem right to do normal things like sitting down for dinner! We ate in silence for a while then Jeff spoke again.  
"I was thinking about asking Bec to come with me! That is if you want to come of course?"  
I was about to speak when Gilbert beat me to it. "Ah that's not such a good idea! Bec can stay here with me while you're away."  
I glanced at Jeff! I thought 'here we go! The not-in-your-condition speech!'  
"Well I err…think Bec can maybe decide for herself Dad I mean she's perfectly capable of….."  
"It's not right!" Gilbert put his knife & fork down & pushed his plate away.  
"What isn't?" Jeff asked.  
Gilbert sighed, "This! You two….in the same bed every night & now talking about going away together!"  
"DAD!"  
"No Jeffery!" he held up his hand to silence Jeff, "It's been eating away at me for a while & now I'm gonna say my piece!" I took a gulp of water. "You two, well as I said it's not right! Bec you are carrying Matt's child!"  
"Dad for God's sake! What the hell has gotten into you?!" Jeff stood up.  
"It's nothing to do with God or hell & I'd kindly like to remind you who you are talking to young man!" Gilbert raised his voice. "When Matthew asked you to look after Bec you agreed to take on that responsibility and now, your brother isn't even cold in his grave & I find you two canoodling in the kitchen!"  
I put a hand to my mouth & ran upstairs to my room. "Great Dad!" I heard Jeff say before I closed the door.  
I lay in bed crying as I listened to them arguing downstairs. It wasn't very often Jeff spoke to his father that way & I felt so guilty that I was the cause of it! Gilbert was right though but I'd already figured it out for myself anyway! Since I'd come to America my life had been jumping from one shit heap to another & the only solid thing I had through all of it was Matt & Jeff. Now all I had was Jeff & Gilbert was trying to take him away from me aswell. Just when I'd had a half decent day, starting to feel somewhere close to human again & now this! "God Matt!" I whispered, "I wish you were here!" the shouting eventually stopped & I heard someone thumping up the stairs. A few seconds later my door opened & Jeff came in & sat down on the bed.  
"I'm sorry you had to hear that!"  
"It's not your fault." I reached for his hand & he curled his fingers around mine.  
"It hit him really hard Bec! He didn't mean to say all of that shit! It's not like him to be so cruel!"  
"He's just lost his son Jeff! You lost your brother! Everyone's not quite themselves right about now! I understand how he feels believe me!"  
"When we lost Mom, y'know we were just kids, but Matt, he was somethin' else Bec!" Jeff smiled, "He learned how to cook….he even ironed my clothes when Dad was working and he was always there for me no matter what!" He sighed, "I just wanted to be like that for you and Dad too but…"  
"You are like that!" I squeezed his hand, "You are an amazingly selfless person Jeff hardy & your brother would be so proud of you I know he would!" I smiled through my tears.  
"I wanna help, y'know with the baby and everything? You won't ever have to be on your own I want you to know that!"  
"Oh Jeff!" Tears rolled down my cheeks as I sat up to hold him. 'Thankyou! Thankyou so much!"  
"Well maybe I won't change diapers!" he said over my shoulder.  
I laughed & let go of him, "Oh you are so changing diapers pal!"  
"No! No! No! No! No! You're the nanny! You know how to wipe up all that shit & everything!" He pulled a face & shuddered.  
"Coward!" I laughed & wiped my face on my sleeve.  
"That's twice today!" he smiled at me.  
"What's twice?"  
"You laughed!" He touched my cheek & I closed my eyes & smiled.  
"Yeah I did didn't I?"  
"Tired?" he asked as he tucked my hair behind my ear & I nodded. "Ok I'll erm….go then. Let you get some sleep!" He headed for the door.  
"Aren't you staying?"  
"Well I thought after what Dad said maybe you'd rather I slept in my own…." I threw back the quilt & moved over the bed & he smiled! "You sure?"  
"I don't wanna be alone!"  
He smiled, "Me either!" He kicked off his boots & climbed in beside me both of us still fully dressed, but then again we usually were! I turned onto my side & he snuggled up behind me. He put one arm over my waist & I held his hand close to me. "Can I just say you smell a hell of a lot better than you did yesterday!" He sniffed my neck & I giggled. We lay in silence for a few minutes & then he whispered in my ear, "You still awake?"  
"Yeah."  
"I love you! I forgot to say it today!"  
I smiled, "Thankyou!" I said quietly then I remembered the feeling I'd had every time I'd told Matt I loved him & he would always say 'thankyou' or 'aren't I lucky' or some shit like that & it used to make my stomach churn. "Jeff?" I whispered.  
"Hmmm?"  
I took a deep breath, "I love you too!"  
He squeezed me tightly. I wasn't lying I did love him. Ok so I wasn't 'IN' love with him & I think he knew that too! But I did love him, guess I had done for some time! 


	43. chapter 43

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 43  
  
The next couple of weeks went by very slowly. Jeff got back into training so a lot of the time I was left in the house with Gilbert & he didn't talk much. The days dragged by but the nights were even harder & seemed to last forever. The day came when I had to go for an ultrasound scan & I was terrified. It wasn't that I was scared there would be something wrong with the baby, it was the fact that it would be up there on the screen & it would be real! I wouldn't be able to deny it any longer, Matt's baby would be a fact that I'd have to deal with & I didn't think I was ready, not yet!  
As Jeff drove me to the hospital I felt sick with nerves & I fidgeted with my hands as I stared out of the window looking at everything & seeing nothing.  
In the waiting room I was twice as bad. Every time a nurse came out I held my breath incase she was going to call my name, it was unbearable. I was surrounded by pregnant women all with their partners or husbands holding their hands, smiling, happy families with long awaited new life inside of them.  
Jeff went to get us a coffee & one of the heavily pregnant women spoke to me.  
"Is this your first?  
"Oh um yes it is!" I didn't want to make small talk with this total stranger so I turned back around to watch Jeff at the vending machine.  
"Got 3 myself!" she smiled, so I returned it, forced a smile & said nothing. "I could tell it was your first!"  
I sighed, she wasn't going to give up so I turned around and replied, "Oh how was that?"  
"You & your husband, you both look so nervous!"  
"Oh he's not my husband I…."  
"Ah well that doesn't matter these days does it? As long as baby has a daddy a ring on your finger makes no difference!" She beamed at me! Stupid woman! She had no idea what she was talking about! It boiled me up inside & I just wanted to turn around & tell her to shut the fuck up! I opened my mouth & then thought better of it & just turned away.  
Jeff came back with the coffee's but I felt too sick to drink it!  
"Are you going to find out baby's sex?" I rolled my eyes as the woman's voice boomed out above all the other noises in the place.  
Jeff turned around, "This is just the first scan, they won't be able to tell the baby's sex yet!" He said politely & turned back.  
"How the hell do you know that?" I whispered, totally gob smacked at his sudden knowledge!  
"Oh I've been reading some books n stuff, y'know?" he smiled.  
"You never cease to amaze me Jeff Hardy!" I smiled & he took hold of my hand.  
"You ok?"  
"Not really!"  
"Ah it'll soon be over! Try not to worry too much!" he squeezed my hand & then I heard my name being called.  
I took a deep breath & muttered 'Shit!' as I stood up. Jeff remained in his seat. "Aren't you coming?"  
"Do you want me to?"  
"Of course I do!"  
Jeff smiled, "I hoped you'd say that!"   
We went into the room & the nurse got me to lie on the bed.  
"This your first?" she smiled cheerfully.  
'Here we go again!' I thought!  
"Yes it is!"  
"Ok well this won't hurt but it might be a bit cold!"  
She squirted some sort of gel onto my stomach & pulled a trolley over with a machine & a monitor on it. My heart rate doubled & I closed my eyes. The more I thought about it the more I started to panick!  
"I can't do this! I'm sorry!" I got off the bed & ran outside! I didn't stop until I got into the gardens. Tears streamed down my face & I leaned against a fence gasping for breath. Jeff wandered up to me with his hands in his pockets & his head down. He leaned against the fence next to me. "I'm sorry!" I whispered.  
He shrugged his shoulders & looked towards the sky, "No biggie! We can wait! When you've calmed down we'll go back in!"  
"I can't!" I whined.  
"Yeah you can & you will or we'll be sitting here all night until you do!"  
"I sighed, "I can't handle it!"  
"Yes you can!" he turned to me & took both of my hands in his. "You can't be thinking about yourself right now you hear?" I looked up at him through my tears, "There's a baby in there! He needs to be checked out, this isn't about you, or Matt even! You have to be strong! You can do this! I love you & I know you can do it!"  
I put my head on his shoulder & cried for a while until I felt I was ready to go back inside. I knew he was right, he was always right these days! Everytime something got too much for me to deal with along came Jeff & made it all ok again!  
He put his arm around my shoulders & led me back inside & although I was shaking uncontrollably, he held tight to me until I got back onto the bed.  
"You ok now?" The nurse asked, looking concerned. I nodded & gulped & closed my eyes. I felt Jeff take hold of my hand & I squeezed it tightly. "Ok we just need to give it a minute……..ah there we are…….there's baby!" I couldn't open my eyes! "I'll turn the monitor around so daddy can see!" She said enthusiastically. I squeezed my eyes shut & a tear rolled down my cheek. If only daddy was here!  
"Oh I'm not…"  
"Jeff!" I interrupted him, I didn't wanna hear it!  
"Open your eyes Bec! Oh my!…………….Wow! Bec you have to see this!"  
I slowly opened my eyes & stared at the monitor. There, on the screen, a small blob was moving around, doing summersaults! It was strange to think that was inside of me, it's tiny heart beating, and yet I couldn't feel a thing! My tears flowed freely as I reached out & touched the screen with my fingertips. I turned to see Jeff smiling as he wiped a solitary tear from his cheek. It wasn't how I expected, I mean it didn't even look like a baby, but still, the love I felt for this tiny thing overflowed the instant my eyes fell upon it! A tiny piece of Matt still lived, it was incredible!  
I didn't speak much in the car on the way home, I just started at the picture the nurse had printed out for me. 'Matt's baby!' was all my mind could muster over & over again!  
At home I lay on my bed & quietly cried. Jeff came in & asked me if I was ok & I told him I wanted to be alone for a while. I didn't know any more until it was morning & the sun shone in my window. I must have slept for 14 hours straight and still the picture was in my hand when I opened my eyes. 


	44. Chapter 44

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 44  
  
When I got downstairs Jeff & Gilbert were eating breakfast in the kitchen.  
"Hey! Want some?" Jeff pointed to a plate of pancakes on the table & I pulled a face & rubbed my stomach.  
"No thankyou! I thought I was gonna get away lightly with this pregnancy but 'he' has other ideas!"  
"You know it's a boy?" Gilbert spoke & Jeff & I glanced at each other. It was the first time he'd shown any interest in the baby at all!  
"Oh no, well not really!" I sat down beside him, "But it has to be a boy!" I smiled, "We didn't pick any girls names!"  
"You were planning this?" Jeff put his cup down, "But I thought……"  
"No not really! It was just, well that last night…" I paused as I remembered Matt's words, 'He I think we just made a baby!' I smiled, "Well we kinda talked about it……..a little!"  
"It could have been one of each! There's twins on their mother's side!" Gilbert took another mouthful of his food.  
"Yeah, so I heard!" I smiled. "Gilbert do you want to see the picture we got yesterday?"  
"Oh no I don't think……." I pulled out the picture & stuck it under his nose. He swallowed hard & put down his fork. Reluctantly he took the picture from my hand, took his glasses from his top pocket & put them on as he studied the small black & white print out in his hand. I almost held my breath waiting for his reaction. I wanted him to be part of this so much!  
He nodded slowly, handed me the picture back, stood up & walked out of the back door. Jeff & I Looked at each other then he stood up. I touched his arm, "Let me go!"  
Jeff gave me a concerned look & then sat back down so I followed Gilbert outside. He was standing on the porch with both of his hands on the rail, staring out across the field. I touched his shoulder & he looked up at me.  
"I'm sorry! I'm having a hard time with this!"  
"That's ok! We all are!"  
He nodded slowly. "I just can't seem to….it's too hard to think…" tears welled up in his eyes.  
"I know! Believe me I'm only just coming to terms with all of this myself!" I led him to the bench & we sat down, "That night, when we had the accident, he told me he loved me!" Gilbert sighed but I wasn't going to be put off! "He asked me to marry him!" I smiled as a tear trickled down my cheek, "I loved him, I love him still, so much! You won't ever be able to know how much! I just wanted you to know that! I would give anything for him to be here right now! I'd give up my life if it meant he could have lived Gilbert!"  
He took hold of my hand, "Yeah, me too!"  
"What I'm trying to say is, I don't have Matt any more, I have Jeff and I need you too!" I sniffed, "This baby, your grandchild, needs you!"  
"And you & Jeff?"  
I sighed, "There is no me & Jeff! There's nothing going on I promise! We need each other right now & that's it! If he wasn't there for me I would have just curled up & died by now! I need him, but I love Matt, I'll always love Matt!"  
Finally Gilbert took me in his arms.  
**  
A couple of hours later I was washing dishes at the sink when Jeff came into the kitchen, grinning like a school kid!  
"What's gotten into you?"  
"Oh nothin' much!" He grinned.  
"So why the big dopey grin?"  
"No reason!"  
"Jeff you're scaring me!" I dried my hands.  
"Ah it's a surprise! You'll see later!"  
"Hmmm…I dunno if I like the sound of that!"   
Jeff put his arms around my waist, "You will like it! I promise!"  
I made us a coffee & we sat down at the table. "Jeff?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Can you help me out a little today? I mean if you're not too busy?"  
"Sure! What do you need?"  
I sighed & looked into my cup, "I was thinking, maybe I should sort out Matt's……I mean MY room but I……."  
"Don't worry about it! I'll help, come on, bring your coffee!"  
"But I meant later I…."  
"No come on! Now you've got this into your head do it now before you change your mind!"  
He took hold of my hand & together we walked upstairs. I stood in the doorway of Matt's room & looked around at all the stuff everywhere & I really didn't want to touch it!  
"Where do you wanna start then?" Jeff said as he sat on the edge of the bed.  
"Oh I don't know!" I sighed, "It's his stuff Jeff…………..I don't want to throw any of it away, promise me you won't get rid of it!"  
"Ok I promise! We can get some crates & put it all in the attic! I think we have some in the garage actually, hang on…." He opened the window & leaned out. "DAD! DO WE HAVE ANY CRATES IN THE ARAGE?" He yelled.  
"I don't know Jeff I'm busy! You will have to come & look, and stop hollerin like a lunatic!" Gilbert shouted from the yard below & I had to smile.   
"Ok I won't be a minute!" He smiled as he closed the window, "You can make a start if ya want?"  
"Mm….yeah I guess?"  
I opened one of the closet doors as Jeff left the room. On the bottom shelf there was a bag, I dragged it out & realized it was from when we went away! God I hadn't even unpacked in 3 months! On further inspection I found our two suitcases and another bag, all of them just dumped in there & not been touched all this time! I dragged those out onto the bedroom floor aswell & sat down among them. I ran my hand over Matt's bag before my fingers found the zipper & I slowly pulled on it. I told myself I was just being stupid, after all it was just a bunch of clothes, but still my hands trembled as I opened the bag. I took a deep breath & started pulling stuff out, a towel, "Ok no biggie! I can deal with that!" I said to myself & threw it into the laundry basket. A shirt, brand new, still in the cellophane with a big 'V1' on the front. I smiled & put it to one side. "Guess we'll keep that for version 2 then huh?" I whispered to myself & although there was no one in the room with me it was as if I was talking to Matt! I found myself doing that sometimes, talking to him without even realizing I was doing it! I figured what the hell? He thought I was a fruit anyway!  
The next thing out of the bag was another shirt, same as the last one only this one was screwed up into a ball with the sleeves ripped off, this one had been warn in the ring! I put it to my face without thinking & it stank, but I didn't care! It smelled like Matt did after a show, before he'd taken a shower and I know it sounds disgusting but what else did I have left? I inhaled deeply and then stuffed into my pillowcase on my bed quickly, feeling stupid, watching the door for Jeff coming back in & catching me! Well so far I had achieved absolutely nothing! I knew it would end up like this, I couldn't bare to part with any of it!  
I put my hand back into the bag & pulled out that pair of disgusting purple & gold pants that we'd joked about so much! As I held them in my hands I smiled at the memories they brought back, happy memories. I was just about to put them into a pile for a crate when I heard Jeff's voice at the door.  
"What are you gonna do with those horrible things?"  
"Oh they the only thing I've been able to bring myself to put in a 'crate' pile so far!" I sighed and put the pants onto the floor. "It's not going exactly well!"  
"Ah right!" he paused & then stepped over the cases to pick up the pants. He looked at them for a while & smiled, "maybe I'll keep these?"  
"Sure! Oh as long as you don't actually wear them!" I laughed.  
Jeff shook his head as he held the pants up at arms length, "Man!" he laughed, "he's such a freak!"  
I raised my eyebrows & smiled at him! "What?" he asked, still laughing. How many times had I heard that from Matt about his brother? It made me laugh.  
"Oh nothing!" I smiled. 


	45. Chapter 45

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 45  
  
We decided I should go through the cases & Jeff would do the bags.  
"Oh and please don't look at my knickers!" I laughed.  
"Ok how about you handle your bag & your case & I do Matt's stuff? Otherwise I'm just gonna end up doing something really stupid.." he rummaged through the bag, "Like…" he paused. "This!"  
When I turned around he had my knickers on his head & I screamed & made a dive for him! "JEFF! You shit!" I grabbed them off his head as he rolled around laughing! I took my bag & threw it on top of my case, "I'll kick your ass Hardy then you'll be sorry!" I laughed. "Ok I have a better idea, how about we leave all of my shit for now just see if we can get through the rest of it?" I didn't hold out much hope, we'd already been in the room an hour & we hadn't even gotten through one bag!  
"Sounds like a plan to me!" Jeff sat up & I sat beside him on the floor, "Where should we start?"  
I looked around the cluttered room & sighed, "Well most of the stuff in his suitcase and bags from the trip will be laundry anyway so.." I pulled his bag over & dumped it down in front of us, "We can start with this!"  
We actually found some stuff we both agreed we could throw away. Little things, but it was a start! Stuff like his toothbrush, man I never thought I would have a hard time throwing away a toothbrush but it felt like I was trying to erase him from my life & I could never do that! In another bag we found the camcorder & three used tapes, one of his jackets, 2 pairs of sneakers & a plastic bag. When I pulled it out of the sports bag it smelled pretty bad & I turned my nose up.  
"Damn! What the hell is in there?" Jeff said, taking the bag from my hands.  
"I have no idea, but knowing Matt it's probably his old socks!" I laughed. "I daren't look!" Jeff opened the bag, peered inside & then closed it & put it in the pile for garbage! "Well? What was it?"  
"Oh nothing, just some old clothes!"  
"CLOTHES? Jeff let me…" I grabbed the bag & looked inside before he snatched it out of my hands. "Oh….oh…" I sat back onto the bed & Jeff ran a hand through h is hair. What was inside the bag were his clothes from the hospital. The ones they'd had to cut off him. The ones that had been soaked in his blood. I put a hand to my mouth, I could feel the vomit in the back of my throat burning & I swallowed it down.  
"Who the hell would put those in there?"  
I swallowed again & shook my head, "The hospital maybe….is his other stuff in there too? Watch, neck chain?"  
"No I got those, they're in the drawer beside my bed……wait a minute didn't Adam have these bags in his car?"  
"I can't remem……..yeah yeah he did!"  
"So how did this stuff get into the trunk of Adam's car?"  
My face went pale & the tears welled up in my eyes. My farewell present from Mick! What a bastard! Was he ever going to leave me alone? "Burn them Jeff! I don't wanna see!"  
He threw the bag down away from us & came over to the bed kneeling in front of me. "Ok it's alright! Come on babe!" I leaned forward & he held me. Once I'd calmed down he took the bag & burned it in the barrel in the back yard.  
When he came back up he had a cup of coffee in each hand & he handed me one & sat down beside me.  
"Thanks!" I sniffed & wiped my face on my sleeve. "I don't think I can do any more today, I can't face it."  
"That's ok!" He rubbed my leg, "I can do it, or we can leave it for another day if you'd rather, whatever?"  
"I think I need to help, God knows why I wanna put myself through this but I do. So if we could leave it for another day I'd appreciate it!" Jeff seemed distracted, staring at the wall with a puzzled look on his face! "Jeff?"  
"What? Oh yeah we'll leave it…um I just remembered something though!" He got off the bed & went to a bag, rummaged through the side pockets then went to another & did the same, "Can you….ah pass me my coffee please?" I gave him a puzzled look & turned to reach out for the cup. When I turned back he was finished whatever he was doing with the bag & he walked back to the bed, took his cup from my hand & sat back down.  
"What were you looking for?"  
"Huh?"  
"In the bags? You were looking for something?"  
"Oh erm no! I was just erm…"  
"What was that?" I cocked my head to one side.  
"What?"  
"Listen!"  
"Leavin on a jet plane…." Someone sang.  
"There's someone outside!!"  
"There is?" Jeff smiled slyly.  
"Don't know when I'll be back again!" The voice sang again.  
"That's……..NO WAY!!!" I shrieked & ran to the window with Jeff close behind! I threw the window open & leaned out.  
"Ooooh babe I hate to go…"  
"DWAYNE?" I shouted.  
From the porch below came a familiar voice, "You gonna let me in or am I gonna have to get Rocky out to bust this door down?"  
"DWAAAAAAAAYNE!!!!" I yelled & ran out of the room & down the stairs as fast as I could! I burst through the door & jumped into Dwayne's arms as Jeff stood back smiling.  
"WOAH! What a welcome!!!" he laughed as he put me down.  
"Oh my God! I can't believe you're here!" tears welled up in my eyes.  
"Ah it was all Jeff's idea! He said that you ere feeling a little down, so me & a few of the guys decided to drop by on an old friend see if we can't cheer her up!"  
"A few of the guys?" Before the words came out of my mouth Adam ran around the side of the house & lifted me off my feet twirling me around in the air! "ADAM! OH MY GOD!!!" I said as I hugged him tightly! From behind him came Jay & Shane & Shannon & I hugged them all like I hadn't seen them in years! Even though we saw Shannon at least once every couple of weeks it was still really great to see them all & I was very close to tears!  
Shane had come loaded with beers & Shannon & Adam had a bag each with God knows what inside! Jeff took everyone inside & left me on the porch with Dwayne for a few minutes.  
"Man it is so good to see you!" I smiled as we sat down on the steps.  
"Yeah you too! You feelin ok? You look a little pale?"  
"Oh yeah I'm ok. Well as close to ok as I can be right now! I haven't been out much but hey I'm getting better!"  
"So you're erm, doing ok then?"  
"Yeah, thanks to Jeff I'm baring up!"  
"Oh Jeff huh?" Dwayne smiled.  
"It's not like that!" I snapped.  
"Hey I know! I'm sorry! It was a stupid thing to say!"  
I sighed, "It's ok, it's just me! Well we had some problems with Gilbert, it's ok now though, I think!"  
"You guys coming in?" Jay leaned his head out of the door.  
"Um yeah sure!" I stood up & Dwayne followed me to the door.  
"Hey Bec!" He touched my arm, "I'm here y'know, if you wanna talk? Anytime at all, just pick up the phone ok?"  
I kissed him on the cheek, "I just might need to do that Dwayne! Thanks!" He smiled & winked before we headed in to join the others in the lounge. 


	46. Chapter 46

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 46  
  
A couple of hours later there had been a lot of beer consumed by the guys! Gilbert had come inside, looked Dwayne up & down & announced that he was going to stay over at his brother's for the night, so the house was our own! I was sitting on one of the chairs with Jeff lounging at my feet, the rest of the guys were slumped on the floor with the exception of Jay who had claimed the sofa. As more beers were handed around I refused, again!  
"Go on Bec! Have a beer!" Adam waved the bottle in my face.  
"Yeah Bec we're like four up on you already! Be careful or you'll turn into Dwayne!" Jay laughed & Dwayne reached over & slapped his leg!  
"Oh no really I um….don't feel much like drinking today!" I smiled awkwardly.  
"Awwww go on!" Shane pleaded, "It's much more fun to BE an asshole than to watch a bunch of them!"  
"Seriously guys I can't really!"  
"Killjoy!" Adam scoffed & pouted.  
"Go on Bec, one won't kill you!" Shane commented. Jeff looked at me and raised his eyebrows.  
"Ok I can't really…because, I'm…um…well I'm pregnant!"  
Their faces dropped & everyone went quiet & suddenly found their feet very interesting. I looked from one of them to the other but no one spoke until Shannon got up from the floor & kissed me on the cheek.  
"That's really….amazing! Congratulations!" he squeezed my hand & smiled.  
"Thanks Shannon!" I smiled back.  
"Yeah Bec! That's um great!" Adam kissed my cheek, "Sorry about trying to force alcohol down your neck!"  
"That's ok! Thanks Adam! Does anyone want any food?" I stood up.  
"Great news sweetheart!" Shane kissed my cheek & gave me a hug.  
"Thanks Shane!"  
"Yeah it's great!" Jay hauled his ass off the sofa & gave me a quick kiss, "You're not sick or anything though? Cause man when Kurt's wife was pregnant man did she hurl! You remember?" He said to the guys & they all silently nodded.  
"No I'm not sick!" I smiled, "Well sometimes I feel like shit but I'm not sick!" Still there was an uncomfortable silence in the room. "So does anyone want to eat?" They all just looked at each other.   
"Yeah sit down! I'll get it!" Jeff stood up.  
"No really I don't mind!" I headed for the door, "Pizza ok for everyone?" They all grunted & nodded before I left the room. Once in the kitchen I stood with both hands on the counter & sighed.  
"Talk about show stopper!" I turned to see Dwayne had followed me in.  
"Yeah kinda killed the party huh?"  
"Don't worry about them! Couple more beers they'll be right!" Dwayne smiled, "So how do you feel about it?"  
I shook my head, "I dunno, confused I guess!" I shrugged my shoulders, "It's early days, I'm still kina getting used to it really!"  
"Is that why Jeff had me call you the other week?"  
"Yeah. I didn't want to tell anyone though, not before I'd seen a doctor y'know?"  
He nodded, "Sure!"  
I opened the freezer & pulled out two huge pizza's & put them on the counter. Dwayne must have sensed something, I don't know how he knew but he turned me to face him & took me in his arms just as I burst into tears.  
"I guess this wasn't planned then?" he asked as I sobbed into his chest & I shook my head. "Oh honey come on it'll be ok!"  
I sniffed, "If one more person tells me it's gonna be ok I'll scream!"  
Dwayne laughed, "Ok I'm sorry!"  
"No it's me! I just can't see it being ok! Just when I think it's getting a little easier to deal with I hear a song or I see the look in someone's eyes & I feel like I'm right back to square one again!"  
"Aww sweetheart! Matt wouldn't want to see you like this! Come on!" he stroked my hair.  
"I know but I just can't help it!" I sniffed, "Y'know the last thing he said to me was 'don't cry' and yet I feel like I've done nothing BUT cry for 3 months! I'm trying so hard to keep it together Dwayne but I can't!"  
"Yes you can! You've got people here that love you! Jeff, Gilbert, all the guys in there & me! We're all here for you ok?" he held me at arms length & looked into my eyes, "Ok?" he said again & I nodded, "We'll get you through this!" he pulled me close & held me again as a new wave of tears overcame me.  
***  
Dwayne had been right & a couple of hours later the guys were back to being their usual idiotic selves!! I would have liked to have joined them but I had to be responsible now! They were gonna leave but Jeff persuaded them to stay the night & got some weird looks when he said his room was free! As we heaped all the bags on the floor from the bed in my room Jeff tripped and landed in a heap.  
"You have had a little bit too much to drink I reckon!" I laughed & held out my hand to help him up. He struggled to his feet & threw his arms around my neck almost knocking me onto my ass! I half carried him over to the bed & sat him down. 'Jeff what do you think they all thought when you told them you were sleeping in here?"  
"I don't know & I don't care! Let them think whatever the hell they like!" he waved his arms in the air drunkenly, "It doesn't matter!"  
"It matters to me!" I sighed & sat down beside him, "I don't want them to think like your dad!"  
"Hey don't worry about it! I'm sure they don't think there's anything going on, they're not like that anyway!"  
I helped him get his boots off & he took off his shirt & rolled into bed. I snuggled up beside him & it wasn't long until he was snoring! I studied his face in the moonlight that shone through my open curtains. He didn't resemble Matt in any way at all, not his features or his mannerisms & if you didn't know they were brothers you probably wouldn't even believe they were distant cousins! The only thing that did remind me of Matt, but only slightly, was his voice! Sometimes, I just liked to listen to him talking, I loved the North Carolina accent anyway but I think it was because certain words that he said, just the odd one or two, sounded exactly like Matt!   
They say things happen for a reason & that fate has our cards lined up from the day we are born, but for the life of me I could find no reasoning for losing Matt! There was no reason for my baby to never know his father! If there was a God he could kiss my ass! I rubbed my eyes & Jeff stirred.  
"You awake?" he said sleepily.  
"Yeah. I'm not all that tired really. I might go and get a hot drink in a minute! Sorry if I woke you up!"  
"'It's ok!" he yawned & rubbed his head, "Man I drank way too much!" How long have I been asleep?"  
I looked at the clock, "About half an hour why?"  
"Because I feel half drunk & half hung over! It doesn't make a good combination!"  
"Awww!" I patted his cheek, "Well that's all the sympathy you're getting from me!"  
"Oh thanks! I'm ill! You have to look after me!"  
"Self inflicted doesn't count!" I giggled.  
Jeff groaned. "Yeah yeah! Anyway did you have fun tonight?"  
"Yeah, I haven't laughed that much in a long time! Thankyou for getting them here! It was just what I needed!"  
I went to give him a quick peck on the mouth, but once our lips touched he put a hand on the back of my neck & held me there & I didn't put up any resistance. Neither of us opened our mouths at all but we kissed like that for several minutes before I finally stopped him. I felt so damn guilty! I was betraying Matt, cheating on him with his own brother & I felt like such a bitch and yet at the same time I found it hard to stop him as well!  
"I can't do this I'm sorry!" I whispered.  
Jeff looked away from my eyes, "I know!" he took a deep breath, "I couldn't help myself! I'm sorry!"  
"It's ok really! It's not your fault! I just feel so…..so……"  
"Guilty?" Jeff lay back onto the pillow & sighed.  
"Yeah, guilty!"  
"Me too!" he nodded, "Ah I've just had too many beers! Ignore me!" he smiled & held out his arm, "Come here!" I lay my head on his shoulder & he folded his arms around me & kissed the top of my head. "I'm sorry Bec!"  
"Forget about it! It's ok!"  
"Bec?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Have I told you I love you today?"  
I smiled, "Yeah you have!"  
"Can I tell you again?" I squeezed my eyes shut & bit on my lip. "You awake?" I didn't answer him, I just let him think I was asleep. 


	47. Chapter 47

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 47  
  
For the next four weeks we went on as we had done for the last three months except for Jeff getting back into work & the fact that we finally sorted out Matt's room everything was as it was before. I was sitting alone on the porch one morning, I had a book infront of me but as usual my mind had wandered off & I hadn't turned a page for over an hour! I heard some laughing in the distance, it sounded like kids, giggling as they played & I put as hand to my stomach. The laughter faded out as I thought of the letter that had arrived that morning from the hospital. It was an appointment for an ultrasound scan in 4 days time and in big letters across the bottom of the page it said, "WE MAY BE ABLE TO DETERMIN THE SEX OF YOUR BABY! PLEASE ASK IF YOU WISH TO KNOW!" It seemed like one hurdle after another for me to jump these days! I wasn't sure that I wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl, sometimes I did & sometimes I didn't! Well now I had 4 days to make up my mind!  
"Hello?" A voice snapped me out of my day dream & I looked to see a girl, a little younger than me, standing on the bottom step. "Sorry! I didn't mean to startle you! But…"  
"BEEEEEEEC!" A little face appeared from behind her legs!  
"Oh my GOD!! Daniel?" I stood up as he ran to me with outspread arms! "Daniel!" I hugged him tightly then knelt down on the porch, "My look at you! All grown up!" I ruffled his hair & he smiled, "You must be what…..25 by now right?"  
"Noooo silly Bec! I'm nearly…" he held up three fingers, "Free!"  
"Three? Already?" he nodded, "Wow you're such a big boy now!"  
"He said he knew you! Begged me to bring him up here! I hope that's ok!"  
"What? Oh God yeah! Thankyou!" I smiled as Daniel hugged my legs again! " I was their nanny for a while! I haven't seen them in months!" I held out my hand, "Bec!"  
"I'm Betty!" She shook my hand, "I guess I got your job!" She smiled.  
"Ah the new nanny huh! Australian?"  
"Yeah! British?"  
"Yeah!" We both laughed. "Oh how rude of me! Please come on up! Do you want a coffee or a glass of lemonade or something?"  
"Ah no! We came with supplies!" She held up a bag.  
"We're having a picin…a pican…." Daniel looked at Betty for help.  
"Picnic!" she smiled.  
"Yeah! A nicpic!" he grinned & ran to the bench trying to climb up!  
"Oh you are huh?" I laughed.  
"Yep!" He wriggled around so his legs were dangling over the edge of the bench. "Mommy said you were sad because Matt went to heaven!"  
He caught me totally off-guard & I gasped slightly!  
"DANIEL!" Betty hissed at him! "I'm so sorry!"  
"Oh that's ok um erm… I should have expected it!" I sat down beside Daniel. "Yeah I have been a little sad, is that why you came over, to cheer me up?"  
"Yep!" He nodded. "But why did Matt want to go & be an angel when he was spose to stay here with you so you can have a baby?"  
I glanced up at Betty who was cringing! "I'm so sorry! They talk way too much infront of him! He picks it all up! They don't realize! Maybe we should just go!"  
"No really it's ok! He's just curious!" I forced a smile, "Well I really don't know why he went to heaven Dan, but he left the baby behind before he went!" Daniel looked at me & wrinkled his nose, "Y'see I'm keeping it….erm…in here!" I patted my stomach, "Until erm he's big enough to come out!" I took a gulp from my glass of lemonade!  
"Oh so Jeff can be it's dada until Matt comes back!" he smiled & I choked on my drink.  
"That's it!" Betty grabbed Daniel's arm as he jumped down from the bench. "Come on little mate! Think it's about time we looked for a spot for our picnic!"  
"Can Bec come with the baby?"  
"I think you've done enough damage for one day!" Betty said under her breath, "I'm sorry Bec!"  
"No it's fine!" I had to smile at his innocence but at the same time what he'd said about Jeff wasn't just a child's imagination, it had come from somewhere that was for sure! "Listen why don't you two have your lunch in the field over there?"  
"You sure?"  
"Yeah go for it!"  
"Would you like to join us? He's quiet when he has food in his mouth honest!" She smiled.  
"Oh no! Not if you want to spend time with him, maybe next time!"  
"Believe me I've talked enough about Big Bird & Barney today! I'd be glad of a real conversation, that's if you want to join us of course?"  
I smiled, "I'd really like that actually! Thanks! Want me to bring anything?"  
"Yeah a blanket if you have one!" she laughed, "I'm not the most organized person on the planet!"  
"No problem!" I grabbed the blanket from the back of the chair where I'd been sitting & headed off with Daniel holding my hand & skipping along beside me.  
Once we'd had lunch Betty & I sat back on the blanket & watched Daniel chasing a butterfly. Both of us at the same time shouted "Don't go too far!"  
"Ok I'm sorry!" I blushed, "Old habits I guess!"  
Betty laughed, "That's ok!"  
"So how long have you been their nanny then?"  
"Oh only a week! They apparently stayed on in Europe for a few months & had a German nanny but lucky for me she couldn't get her green card so here I am!" She smiled, "Nice place!"  
I sighed, "Yeah it must be! I never went home!"  
"I'm sorry, about what Daniel said earlier! It must be hard?"  
"Yeah! It's getting better y'know, one day at a time and all that!" I smiled, "As for Daniel, don't appologise, kids are honest, I suppose that's why I like em so much!"  
"Yeah, they are at his age anyway!" She leaned back & rested on her elbow.  
"So I suppose Mary filled you in on my gory past then?"  
"Hm well the thing is with Mary she tends to talk 'AT' me rather than to me!" She laughed, "I've developed a way to turn down the volume!"  
"Fast learner!" I smiled, "So what do you think of Sarah?"  
"Sarah? Oh she's a strange one! Don't really have much to do with her, she's either out or asleep whenever I'm around!"  
"Some things don't change then?!" I laughed.  
"Mary did mention she used to date Matt though!"  
"Yeah!" I smiled, "That's how I met him! He threw stones at the wrong window & I thought he was a jerk!"  
Betty looked back towards the house, "Who's that stud?" She giggled. I turned around to see Jeff wandering over the field towards us & laughed.  
"That's Jeff, Matt's brother!" I stood up & went to meet him. I hadn't seen him in a week & he lifted me up into his arms.  
"Come & meet Betty! She's the Jameson's new nanny!" I said enthusiastically, "And she reckons you're a stud!" I whispered as we walked back to where she was sitting.  
"Oh sometimes you women treat me like a piece of meat!" Jeff stuck his nose in the air & I playfully slapped his chest!  
"Jeff this is Betty, the new nanny in town! And Betty this is Jeff, he's a freak but you'll get used to it!" I giggled & Jeff nudged my arm before shaking her hand.  
Daniel ran over & hid behind Betty's legs. Jeff knelt down,   
"You remember me?" Daniel peered out & shook his head. "I'm Jeff and you're erm…wait a minute it'll come to me….ah ……..Action Man!" Jeff snapped his fingers & Daniel giggled.  
"No I'm not! I'm the HURRICAAAAAAANE!!" He ran away with one arm raised & Jeff shook his head.  
"You let him watch that crap?" he said to Betty.  
Betty held up her hands, "Nothing to do with me! Blame his brother! He's always glued to that rubbish!"  
I bit on my lip to stop myself smiling & Jeff did the same. "Oh right! Well mind if I go & kick a ball around with him for a while?"  
"Go for it! Wear him out! He might sleep tonight!"  
Once Jeff had gone off with Daniel we sat back down & I couldn't help but laugh.  
'What's funny?" Betty asked, smiling.  
"Oh well y'know that 'rubbish' you were talking about on TV?"  
"Yeah, wrestling! Jeez it's crap! Bunch of guys wearing tights & rolling around like a troop of clowns!" I burst out laughing. "What?" She asked.  
"Jeff's a wrestler!" I laughed.  
"Oh yeah right! He sure looks the part!"  
"I'm serious!" I laughed again, "The Hurricane that Daniel mentioned, well he…."  
"Don't tell me Jeff is that green guy?"  
"NO! The Hurricane is Shane! He lives about a mile in that direction! Shannon is another wrestler & he lives just up the road!"  
Betty's eyes widened, "You're not kidding are you?" I shook my head, "Oh my GOD! Now I feel like such a bloody idiot!" she blushed.  
"Don't feel bad! You didn't know they were wrestlers!" I smiled.  
Betty laughed, "Maybe I'll have to start and watch this crap with Andrew sometime!"  
"Yeah let me know if you like it I'll get you tickets!" I winked.  
Betty looked over the field at Jeff & twirled her hair around her finger absentmindedly, "Oh I think I could get into it!" She smiled.  
I watched her looking at Jeff & I swallowed hard. 


	48. Chapter 48

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 48  
  
Four days later and I was on my way to the hospital once again, only this time I was alone. Jeff was working & he said he would try & get back in time to come with me but he hadn't made it. I took his car & drove there myself. I was relying on him way too much anyway & I figured it was about time I did something on my own. As I sat in the waiting room I still didn't know if I wanted to find out the baby's sex or not! I wanted it to be a boy so badly, so what would I do if it was a girl? Would it be better to know now & be prepared? My head was spinning as I sat there chewing on my thumbnail. The last thing I needed was Mrs 'Know-All' sitting down beside me, but there she was, larger than life & twice as loud!  
"Oh hello again!" She grinned at me as she sat down & I cringed.  
"Hi!"  
"You here for another scan?"  
"Yep." I turned away. I thought about saying no actually I'm here for a cheeseburger and a beer but I figured why make her any worse than she already was!  
"Your partner not with you today?"  
"No he's working." (Why me?)  
"Oh I see!" she shuffled her huge ass around in her seat & rubbed her enormous belly with one hand & her back with the other! As I looked at her a sense of panick welled up inside of me. Was that what I was destined to become? God help me! "Pheweee I can't wait until this is over!" She sighed. I forced a smile at her & wished she would just go into labour immediately so they could wheel her away on a trolley! "I don't mean to pry or anything but was there a problem last time you were here?"  
"No."  
"Ah I just saw you got a bit upset and….."  
"There's nothing wrong with the baby! I just don't like hospitals much that's all!"  
"Well you'll get used to them by the time little one comes!" she smiled.  
"Oh I don't think I will actually! Don't you find it a little uncomfortable that people die in hospitals?"  
She gave me a perculiar look, "Oh right! Hadn't much thought about it that way!" She shuffled again & I thought she was finally going to give it a rest but no! "It's a shame your partner couldn't be here this time! The second scan is so much clearer!"  
I'd had enough, I stood up & poked a finger at her, "Look lady for your information my partner is…."  
"HERE!" Jeff quickly made his way around the chairs, "Hi again!" He smiled awkwardly at the woman & then kissed my cheek, "I'm sorry! She's been a little stressed lately!" he took hold of my arm & my jaw dropped! "Come along, darling!" he said through clenched teeth as he led me away. "She was only trying to be friendly!" he said as we stood by the vending machine.  
"Oh the nosey bitch was driving me crazy! Anyway how did you get here?"  
"Betty brought me!"  
"Betty?"  
"Yeah well Shannon's not home & Dad was out in the truck so I happened to bump into her & she offered! Why?"  
"Oh….um nothing! How come you bumped into her anyway?"  
"Erm….she was coming to see you! She thought your scan was this morning so she was wondering how it went that's all! Why the 20 questions?" He gave me a puzzled look.  
"No reason!"  
A nurse came out & called my name so Jeff took my hand & led me into the room. Everything was as it should be except my blood preassure was a little high, nothing major! At the last minute I decided I didn't want to know the baby's sex! If I changed my mind they could always tell me at a later date! When we came out Jeff looked at me & raised his eyebrows.  
"You need to slow down a little if your blood preassure is high!"  
I let out a laugh! "Jeff if I go any slower I'd stop! Don't worry! It's probably just that silly cow winding me up before I went in there!"  
"Ok! Ok!" Jeff held up his hands.  
"Let me drive back, you look beat!"  
"Yeah I am! I was up at 4am this morning! I didn't think I'd get back in time!"  
We walked outside to the car. He'd gotten up at 4am to make it home for the scan, it scared me! Maybe he was getting a bit too involved with this baby, or maybe it was just me?  
We got into the car & set off for home, Jeff leaned his head back on the seat & closed his eyes.  
"You needn't have gotten up that early just to make it back for the scan y'know?"  
He opened his eyes & sat up. "Ah it's no big deal, I wanted to!" he smiled.  
"Yeah but 4am when you've been working shows for the last 4 days!"  
"I didn't mind really!" he sighed, "I promised…" he paused, "Ah it doesn't matter!"  
"No, go on!"  
He took a deep breath, "I promised Matt I'd be here for you & I want to keep my word! I want to be here when you need me!"  
"You do enough for me already!"  
"Yeah well if I could do more I would!"  
"What you mean like have the baby for me ya mean?" I smirked.  
"Yeah sure!" he laughed.  
"Yeah right!"  
"I- would!"  
"That's just the sort of thing guys say cause they know it's impossible!"  
"No I really mean it!" He grinned.  
"What a guy!" I laughed as we pulled into the driveway.  
***   
So the weeks went by, same old, same old. Jeff was at work & I was home with Gilbert except most days Betty came over, which was good! She always managed to put a smile on my face no matter how shitty I was feeling & it was nice to have someone to talk to other than Jeff! Sure I saw Shannon once in a while but he wasn't very comfortable talking about Matt or the baby! So, having Betty as a friend really helped me a lot! She did have it bad for Jeff though & I didn't much like the way I felt about that!  
Being almost 7 months pregnant was no fun! I felt huge & I felt tired, my ankles swelled up & I looked like shit most days & felt twice as bad!  
One day I was waving Betty off when Jeff's car pulled into the driveway so, naturally she stopped to talk to him. I went inside & left them to it. I had a nervous feeling in my stomach whenever those two were together & no matter how hard I tried to ignore it, it would still be there, eating away at me!  
2 minutes later Jeff came inside & dumped his bags on the floor. I hadn't seen him in 8 days and although he'd called me every day I'd still missed him like crazy so I hugged him & kissed his cheek.  
"Woah! Did that get bigger in a week?" Jeff held me at arms length & stared at my belly!  
"Don't! I feel like an elephant!" I laughed.  
"Well that's ok! I kinda like elephants!" he winked & kissed my cheek.  
"Coffee?"  
"Yeah please! I'm beat!" He slumped into a chair. "Check out this beauty!" He pulled up his shirt to reveal a huge bruise across his ribs.  
"Jesus Jeff! How the hell did that happen?"  
"Well I did a Swanton & landed on the security wall…ouch!" he jumped as I gently touched it with my fingertips. "Didn't you watch Monday night?"  
"Yeah I watched but the second you start to climb up anything I close my eyes & hopefully by the time I open them again you're getting up!" I pulled a face at him & he laughed. "Maybe you should get that checked out though, you could have broken a rib!"  
"It's been checked over, they do have hospitals in Minnesota y'know!" he smiled, "They are just badly bruised, I have to keep them strapped up but I couldn't drive with the damn bandage on so I took it off!" He winced as he moved in the chair, "Anyway the good news is it's gotten me the week off work!"  
"Really?"  
"Yeah I can hang around & drive you nuts for a week!"  
"Great! Oh well Betty comes over most days though!"  
"That's cool! She's a nice girl Betty!" He looked up at me through his fringe, "I was thinking about maybe asking her out sometime?"  
I gulped, "Oh right, yeah!" That would be, erm nice!"  
"You wouldn't mind?" he stood up & I turned my back on him.  
"Mind? Why would I mind?" I started to make the coffee's.  
"Um I dunno?"  
"Jesus Jeff I don't mind! You spend way too much time fussing over me! Sure go out with Betty! Go & get a life! You don't have to run everything by me!" He put both of his hands on my hips from behind & I took a deep breath.  
"I thought maybe it would bother you!"  
"Why would it bother me?"  
"Because," he turned me around to face him & put his hand on my cheek, "Because of this…." He leaned in & kissed my lips. At first I resisted but it felt so right, so I closed my eyes & just let it happen. I put my hands on the back of his neck as his tongue slid into my mouth & I forgot about everything in an instant. 


	49. Chapter 49

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 49  
  
When we eventually parted we looked into each other's eyes for a moment & then it hit me! What the hell had I been thinking? Tears welled up in my eyes & as I blinked one rolled down my cheek.  
"That shouldn't have happened!" I said & wiped my face.  
"Why not?"  
"Because…..because it's not right!"  
"You're telling me that didn't feel right to you?" Jeff asked & I took a step backwards, "Well?"  
"Well….well…..Matt…."  
"Matt's not here Bec!" Jeff said quietly. "Look I tried so hard, I didn't want to fall in love with my brother's girlfriend but I couldn't help it! It broke my heart to admit it to Matt in the hospital…" he looked down at his feet, "I'm sorry! I can't help the way I feel. I love you!"  
"Jeff I…"  
"You're home!" Gilbert said as he walked in the back door. I quickly wiped my face & turned my back to making the coffee. "How long have you been back?"  
"Oh….erm….not……not long!" Jeff forced a smile at his dad!  
"Is there a coffee going spare?"  
"Sure Gilbert!" I took another cup from the shelf as he sat down at the table. Jeff leaned on the counter & put his hands in his pockets.  
"Good show on Monday!" Gilbert smiled.  
"Um yeah! It went ok…..I guess."  
I put Gilbert's coffee down infront of him & picked up my cup.  
"I'm just erm…..going outside with this." I walked past Jeff & out of the back door. Once outside I felt like I could breathe again! How close had Gilbert come to walking in on that mess? It couldn't bare to think about it! I sat down on the bench & stared into my cup. I didn't know what to do, but I couldn't fall in love with Jeff, not now, not ever! I couldn't risk Mick coming back and I was sure he would, but I still loved Matt with all my heart & it felt like I missed him more every day. It would be so easy to fall in love with Jeff, he was such a great guy, but I could never love him the way he claimed to love me & it wouldn't be fair on him. I came to the conclusion that I had to let him go. No more sleeping in the same bed & no more relying on him for everything. I'd given him the wrong impression & I knew I was doing so but I couldn't help it! Maybe if I kept my distance he would find someone else? Maybe the best thing for both of us would be if I went back home, to England? Tears dripped off my face as the thought entered my mind. Would I really have the strength to do this?  
"Hey!" Jeff came outside & sat down beside me, "Are you ok?"  
"Not really!" I sniffed & wiped my face. "I've…….I've been thinking about…" I took a deep breath, "Maybe I should go home?"  
Jeff stared at me, "Back to England?" I nodded, "But why?"  
"I'm erm home sick!" I lied.  
"Oh so you mean for like a kind of a holiday?"  
"No, I mean for good Jeff."  
"No Bec please don't do that! I'm sorry about what happened in there! I didn't mean it just forget I said anything!"  
I smiled, "I know you did mean it! And…" I took a deep breath & turned to him, "I do love you Jeff!" I touched his face, "But I can't love you like I love Matt!"  
"That doesn't matter!"  
"Yes it does!" I smiled, "You're worth so much more than that!"  
"I'm not! Don't say that!"  
"Listen to me please!" he sighed & took hold of my hands, "Every time I kissed you I'd be thinking of Matt! Every time you touched me I'd be wishing it was Matt! You can't live like that & neither can I! It's not fair on either of us!"  
"But you can't go back to England!"  
I touched his chin & lifted his face, "I have to Jeff! We can't go on like this!"  
"No we can work it out! I'll keep my distance! Just don't go!"  
He leaned in & kissed my lips & I let him. He touched my cheek lightly with his fingertips as his tongue gently met mine. He was right, it did feel so natural but I knew it was wrong! Even so I didn't want it to end & we stayed, locked together for several minutes.  
"That felt like goodbye!" he whispered as he held me in his arms.  
"It was!" Tears streamed down my cheeks. God I was going to miss him so much, but there was no other way that I could see! I eventually let go of him & stood up. "I'm gonna go & pack."  
"Want me to call the airport?"  
"Would you mind?" I wiped my face.  
"No it's the least I can do." He sniffed & wiped his eyes on his sleeve.  
As I reached for the door handle I felt a searing pain in my stomach & I bent over. "OW!"  
Jeff jumped up, "What's wrong? What is it?" He put his arms around me.  
"I don't know…AH SHIT!" I clutched at my stomach.  
"The baby?"  
"I don't know! It's too early Jeff!" I started to cry again, 'please God don't let me lose this baby!' I thought to myself.  
"Ok it's alright! Calm down! DAAAAAD!" he yelled, "DAAAAAAD!!!"  
Gilbert opened the door, "Where's the fire? Oh God girl are you alright?"  
"Dad I need to get her to the hospital!"  
"AHHHHH! HOLY SHIT!" The pain in my stomach got more intense & I fell to my knees on the porch.  
"Oh erm I'm coming with you!" Gilbert ran back inside & then came out, throwing Jeff his car keys & locking the back door.  
"Can you walk?" he asked as he knelt beside me rubbing my back.  
"I don't know! Jesus It hurts!"  
"Ok!" I suddenly found myself being lifted off the ground as Jeff carried me down the steps towards the car.  
He did the same when we got to the hospital, lifted me out of the back seat and ran with me in his arms into reception. A couple of nurses ran out shouting for a bed and one was wheeled down the corridor. Once on the bed I heard the nurse saying, "How many weeks is she?"  
"She's erm….28 weeks, almost 29!" Jeff said as he followed the bed. I saw the nurses glance at one another, is was as if they were saying, 'Ok she's fucked then!' and I burst into tears. I closed my eyes & begged for this not to be happening as another pain tore through my stomach causing me to cry out. They wheeled me into a room & immediately hooked me up to various monitors. I held my breath when they couldn't find the baby's heart beat.  
"Lie as still as you can! We'll find it!" One of the nurses soothed me. I had another pain & I sat bolt upright in the bed. "Don't push!" she yelled at me. "Are you the father?" She shouted at Jeff.  
"N…no I'm …."  
"It doesn't matter just talk to her! Try to calm her down while we check the baby over!"  
Jeff sat on the side of the bed & stroked my cheek. "Come on! It'll be ok!" he squeezed my hand but I could feel his hands were shaking.  
"I'm sorry!" I sobbed, "I'm so sorry!" 


	50. Chapter 50

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 50  
  
Jeff stayed in the room with me as they put a drip into my arm & gave me an injection to try & stop the labour. If the baby was born now there wouldn't be much hope of it surviving! I was attatched to monitors to make sure the baby's heart was still beating and it was, but the nurse explained to me that he was a little stressed & his heart rate was too high! I was terrified! Eventually the pain started to subside & they gave me another injection to try & calm me down. I felt sleepy & light headed & I wasn't really sure of where I was or what was going on around me. I heard a nurse talking to Jeff & he was explaining to her about Matt, telling her about the accident & I just closed my eyes & drifted off to sleep.  
When I woke up it was dark & I had no idea how long I'd slept. Jeff was asleep in the chair with various empty plastic cups on the ledge beside him. He'd obviously given up on the coffee & just gone to sleep! It was nice that he'd stayed but it should have been Matt asleep in that chair, waiting for news of his baby! I closed my eyes & turned my face away from Jeff. He'd been gone for 7 months now and yet the pain was still there in my chest every time I thought about him. How are you ever supposed to get over losing the love of your life? Gilbert never had that was for sure! Maybe I was just destined to raise my child alone like he had with Matt & Jeff?  
I was shaken from my thoughts when a nurse came in to check my chart & drip.  
"How do you feel now?" she asked.  
"Oh groggy I guess. Can I get up?" I whispered.  
"No not yet! We managed to stop the labour but you won't be going home until after the baby is born!"  
"What? I can't stay here all those weeks! I need to get back home! To England!"  
"Oh no! That's just not possible I'm afraid!"  
"Can't I just take a flight? Check into a hospital as soon as I get there?"  
"Not unless you want this baby to be born with wings!" she smiled.  
I sighed & laid my head back onto the pillow, "Ok!" I turned and looked at Jeff who was still sound asleep in the chair. The nurse looked at him when she saw me turn his way & she smiled again.  
"We all thought he was the father, y'know the way he looked after you when you came in! You're lucky he's taking such an interest!"  
"Yeah, I guess."  
"How long were you with the baby's father then?" She sat down on the side of the bed & I admired her for not skating around the subject, but then again I guessed it was her job! She must have had to deal with a lot of people who had lost a partner or a family member!  
"Oh all in all about 8 or 9 months! Not long enough really!" I forced a smile & she nodded.  
"So was it planned then? The baby?"  
"Well we'd talked about it a little but no it wasn't really planned! We were gonna get married! He asked me the day we had the accident!" I found it so easy to talk to this total stranger & realized it was probably the most I'd talked about Matt since he died!  
"He seemed like a nice guy!"  
"You knew Matt?"  
"Oh no! My son watches the wrestling and well him & sleeping beauty over there are kind of local heroes!" she smiled, "He cried, my son, when they said on TV that Matt had died!"  
"How old is he?"  
"He's 10, going on 30!" she laughed,  
"Well wake up my knight in shining armor there before he drowns in his own drool & get him an autograph!" I winced as I tried to sit up & she helped me & put a pillow behind my back.  
"Naaaah let him sleep! He'll be back if he doesn't wake up before my shift is over!" She smiled, "I know how it feels!" She sighed as she sat back on the bed & I looked at her, puzzled as to what she meant! "Josh, my son, well his Dad was killed when he was just a few months old!"  
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that!"  
She nodded & smiled, "industrial accident!" She paused & then smiled again, "I bet right now you feel like you'll never get over it right?"  
"Yeah something like that!"  
"Well you'd be right! You don't ever get over it, but you do move on!"  
"Did you?"  
She held up her ring finger & wiggled a wedding ring in my face, "Been married six years now!" She paused, "To his best friend would you believe? We have another 2 kids aswell!"  
"How the hell do you do that?" I looked up at the celing.  
"You just do I guess! It'll get easier! Oh listen to me! I used to want to punch anyone who said that stuff to me!" She patted my leg & then looked over at Jeff out of the corner of her eye. "You'll get there believe me! And if people offer you a helping hand along the way, accept it!" She glanced at Jeff again. "Oh well I guess I'd better get back to work before all the buzzers start going off!" She stood up, "And tell him to come & get those ribs strapped when he wakes up!"  
"I will, and thankyou!"  
"Anytime! I'll see you again before I'm off! Try to get some rest! If you need anything just press the buzzer!"  
"Ok thankyou, very much!"  
"That's ok!" She smiled and then left.  
Jeff stirred when he heard the door closing. He rubbed his eyes & tried to stretch his arms & then winced & put a hand to his ribs! When he finally looked my way I smiled.  
"You're awake!" He smiled & came over to the bed & kissed my cheek. "Who just left?"  
"My guardian Angel!" I smiled.  
"Huh?"  
"Oh nothing! Just one of the nurses!"  
"Everything's ok though isn't it?"  
"Yeah, well as ok as it can be!" I sighed, "But I have to stay here until the baby's born! Someone up there doesn't want me to go home!"  
"Yeah well I've a feeling I know who that is!" Jeff smiled.  
"You reckon?" I smiled.  
"Yeah, actually I do!" he took hold of my hand. "I called your Mom earlier, and she said she's coming over!" I rolled my eyes. "I hope that's ok with you? I just thought she should know, you ah….didn't look good before!"  
"Oh yeah I guess you're right! She should know! Besides I'm gonna need someone to keep me company when you go back to work!"  
"Maybe I won't go back!"  
"Um yeah, you will! You already had god knows how much time off!"  
"Yeah well they'll just have to like it or lump it! I'll talk to Shane, he'll understand!"  
"You have a week off, just go back after that! Besides if Mum's coming over she'll be here day & night! I want you to go back to work Jeff!"  
"Yeah but…"  
"No buts! You've done enough for me already! Someone will call you if anything happens!" he looked disheartened but eventually he agreed! I sent him off to see the nurse to get his ribs strapped while I went back to sleep. 


	51. Chapter 51

Lost, confused, Unkind (Sequel To "freaked")  
  
Chapter 51  
  
6 weeks later & I'd had enough of hospital food & my mother to last me a lifetime! I was sick of lying in my bed or sitting staring out of the window, I was halfway through counting the flowers in the garden before I realized what I was doing & stopped myself! I was going insane! Betty came to see me whenever she could, and Mary, but Gilbert hardly ever came! I couldn't blame him, I guess he didn't like hospitals much either! Mum drove me crazier than a shithouse rat! She meant well but damn if I hadn't heard enough about when she had me or my sister or my younger brother, waters breaking, legs akimbo - I really thought about just making a run for it on more than one occasion! I had to ask her to go & get a coffee the day Dwayne came to see me, she was so embarrassing! Adam & Shane came to see me once too & Shannon had been 4 or 5 times which was a welcome break from the constant verbal onslaught from my mother! I had one more scarey moment when, 3 weeks after they'd stopped the labour I started to get pain again, but it was only for a couple of hours & then it stopped on it's own! Somebody up there was definitely watching over me that was for sure!  
So, 6 weeks on & I was sitting in the chair by the window listening to my mother recount every detail of when my sister had my niece & the pain started in my stomach again.  
"What's the matter?" Mum came over and knelt at my feet.  
"Nothing, just the same as before it'll go away in a minute!"  
She helped me back onto the bed. "Should I go & get a nurse? Call Jeff?"  
"No Mum! Stoop bloody fussing for God's sake I'm fine!"  
But 4 hours later the pain was stronger than ever and coming every half hour! The nurses kept comming in & checking on me and 6 hours after I'd had the first pain they told Mum to go & call whoever she needed to call! I was in labour! I'd never felt pain like it in my life, it was unbareable even after the pethadine injection! The contractions were down to 3 minutes apart when Jeff burst through the door like a madman! He came straight to the bed & hugged me. "I got here as soon as I could!"  
"I can smell that! Dude have you just got out of the ring?" I winced as I got another pain!  
"Um yeah well I didn't have time for a shower did I! You ok?"  
"DO I LOOK OK TO YOU?" I snapped at him & he just took me in his arms as he sat on the bed. Mum was timing every contraction & I wanted to get up & throttle her!  
"2 minutes!!" She announced cheerfully & I took a deep breath & bit on my lip before I said something I'd regret!  
Jeff didn't speak, he just sat there rubbing my back and stroking my hair as I lay with my head on his chest. He tried to be so calm but I could hear his heart beat going crazy & he was shaking slightly aswell! Ii think he was as scared as I was!  
"Oh that one was only one minute!" Mum giggled.  
"I swear to God!" I said through gritted teeth,  
"Shhhhh!" Jeff smiled.  
"I think I need the nurses Jeff!"  
"I'll go!" Mum jumped up & left the room.  
"Thank God! She is driving me crazy….OW!"  
"Take deep breaths!" Jeff rubbed my back until the pain subsided.  
"I'm scared!" I started to cry.  
"Hey come on! Is that another one already?" I nodded, "Oh shit! Erm….ok…erm……" he leaned over & pressed the buzzer.  
"I want Matt!" I sobbed.  
"I know sweetheart! Shh…..it'll soon be over!" He stroked my hair, "you want me to stay or wait outside?"  
"Stay!" Was all I managed to get out before another contraction made me cry out! The look on Jeff's face every time I got a contraction was priceless & if I hadn't been in so much pain I would have laughed my ass off! Big tough-guy wrestler & here he was like a rabbit in the headlights shitting his pants every time I winced!  
4 hours later & I was still in agony & I was exhausted, I had nothing left!  
"Come on!" Jeff rubbed my back.  
"FUCK OFF JEFF! What do you know about it?" I shouted between the pains! I didn't mean it but I just couldn't help it, I was sick of everyone 'cheering me on' like they were at a football game!  
"One more big push!" Sasha (the nurse who'd become my friend) said.  
"I can't do it! I can't!" Jeff squeezed my hand, he was as white as a sheet & looked as exhausted as I felt! "I want Matt!" I started crying again.  
"Come on you can do it! Once more and then you can go to sleep! Squeeze my hand!" Jeff smiled.  
"Oh come on love don't whimp out now! Women do this every day!" Mum remarked.  
"Get her out of here!" I said to Jeff but it was too late! I got another contraction & everyone urged me to push. With my last ounce of strength I managed to push harder than I thought I could & then I felt relief! I lay my head back on the pillow & closed my eyes trying to get my breath back. Jeff lifted my head to his chest & hugged me.  
"You've done it! It's over!" he whispered.  
"I feel like shit!" I laughed, "I bet I look worse!"  
Jeff looked into my eyes, "Nah, you still look beautiful!" he kissed my forehead & I got some strange looks from Sasha & my Mum!  
"What is it?" I asked & Jeff leaned his head back as Sasha mouthed, 'BOY'. He hugged my tightly, "Is something wrong?" I started to panic.  
"NO! No!" When I looked at him he was crying! "It's a boy Bec!"  
I got goosebumps all over my body as I cried and laughed at the same time!" A boy?" He nodded & kissed my forehead again. Tears flowed down my cheeks as I sobbed into his chest!  
"So do you have a name for this little fella then?" Sasha asked as she handed me a tiny bundle wrapped in a towel & I just stared at him, all wrinkled, with no eyebrows or hair! One tiny hand poking through the towel that didn't even have a nail on it's little finger!  
"Yeah what did you & Matt pick for him?" Jeff said as he stared at his nephew.  
I smiled, "Jude!"  
"Jude?" Jeff laughed, "Wow!" he wiped his face.  
"Oh sweetheart he's beautiful!" Mum kissed me forehead & pulled the towel down to get a closer look. "Can I hold him?"  
"No not yet! I think Jeff might like to hold him first!" Mum smiled & nodded.  
I handed the tiny bundle to Jeff & he held him awkwardly, like a guy that had never held a baby before! He looked even smaller in Jeff's arms, "Will he need to go into an incubator?" I asked Sasha, "He's so tiny!"  
"No I doubt it! His temperature is a little low but we will just need to put him in a heated crib for a few hours!"  
I looked back at Jeff who had a fresh wave of tears running down his face! He looked up at the celing, "Finally you got something right bro!" he smiled through his tears! 


	52. Chapter 52

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 52  
  
Later that night after everyone went home I was finally left alone with my baby! He was still in the 'Hot Box' as the nurses called it & I longed to hold him, but until his temperature was up all I could do was stare at him. I couldn't believe he was mine, it was totally amazing to think me & Matt made this tiny little person, he grew inside of me & here he was! There's no way I can describe the feeling, unless you have experienced it first hand you can never truly know!  
The door opened & Sasha walked in smiling, "How are you feeling?"  
"Exhausted!" I smiled, "But it was all worth it!"  
"Yeah, it doesn't get any less amazing the more kids you have!"  
"Oh no! Not for me! I couldn't go through that again no matter what the end result is!" I smiled & she laughed.  
"That sounds familiar!"  
"I'm serious!"  
"Yeah so was I the first time & the second!" she winked & lifted the lid of the 'Hot Box' and checked the baby's temperature, "Oh it looks like out little baby is cooked to perfection!" she smiled, "You wanna hold?"  
"Do I ever!" I sat up & she lifted the baby out & into my arms. I stared at him before I kissed his forehead.  
"He's beautiful!" Sasha said, "Do you think he looks like his dad then?"  
I studied his face for a moment, "I can't really tell!"  
Sasha came around the bed & looked at him, "I think he looks a little like his uncle actually!"  
"Now that's a scarey thought!" I laughed. "Anyway how come you're still here?"  
"Double shift!" she rolled her eyes & looked at her watch. "I'm off in an hour, so I guess I'll leave you two to get acquainted!" She smiled, "If I don't see you again before I go I'll be on tomorrow morning! Take care!"  
"Thanks!" She left the room & I gently rocked Jude in my arms as he slept. I tried so hard not to cry but I couldn't help it! I would have given anything to be sharing that moment with Matt! I wiped my face just as Sasha came back into the room.  
"Sorry to interrupt!" she whispered, "Found someone outside just dying to come in!" she stepped aside & Jeff appeared in the doorway, "If anyone catches you in here it had nothing to do with me ok?"  
"Sure! Thankyou!" he smiled & Sasha rolled her eyes before she left.  
"What are you doing here? It's the middle of the night!"  
"Do you mind? I couldn't sleep!" He came over & sat on the bed.  
"No, I don't mind!" I smiled.  
"Hey little fella!" he whispered & touched the baby's cheek. "Is he ok now?"  
"Yeah, they just took him out of the warmer about 10 minutes ago!"  
"And how are you feeling?"  
"Tired, but, well I can't believe he's finally here!"  
"Yeah he's pretty amazing huh?" Jeff smiled, "So are you!" He looked into my eyes & I looked away.  
"Don't Jeff, not now!"  
"Oh God no I didn't mean………well I did but….I…um…" he took a deep breath, "I'll start again!" he smiled, "What I meant was what you did today was like amazing, you did so well!"  
"Oh!" I blushed, "Yeah um thankyou!"  
"So, are you still going home then?" he looked up at me.  
"Are you kidding me? I just spent 6 weeks with my mother & they almost had to commit me!" I laughed, "No, I'm staying. I have nothing to go back to England for! Besides, Jude will have so many more opportunities here than he would over there!"  
"Oh thank God!" Jeff sighed.  
"As long as…." I paused, "Well as long as you realize where we stand ok?" Jeff nodded & looked back at the baby. "I don't mean to be cruel Jeff but making you think there could ever be any more between us would be even crueler ok?"  
"Yeah I know! I'm just happy you're staying!" he smiled, "Can I hold him" he held out his arms & I passed the baby to him. "Have you been to sleep yet?"  
"Yeah for about half an hour! There's too much going on in here!"  
"Well lie down now & I'll look after him while you get some rest!"  
"You don't know the first thing about looking after babies!" I laughed, "Besides I don't think you have the ah right equipment if he needs feeding!"  
"So I'll wake you up! Or maybe I'll just hook him on while you're asleep!" he winked, "Left or right?"  
"Jeff!" I playfully slapped him. "Actually I was thinking maybe I'd use bottles, I don't think I'd be very comfortable getting my boobs out in front of your Dad!"  
Jeff laughed, "I'm sure Dad would just make himself scarse at feeding times!" He looked down at Jude again, "Dad actually surprised me today, y'know holding Jude n' stuff!"  
"Yeah me too! I think maybe it's too painful for him Jeff. He misses Matt so much & I guess this is just another reminder that he's not here!"  
"Yeah I guess! How have you been?"  
I bit my lip, "Ah y'know up & down!" Tears welled up in my eyes & Jeff put the baby back into his crib. "I'm fine one minute then…" he wrapped his arms around me & held me tightly. "Then I'm in tears the next!" I said over his shoulder as my tears fell again. "It's hard! I'm so happy that Jude is here & he's ok but Matt should be here too!" I sniffed.  
"I know!" Jeff ran his hands up & down my back, "I feel the same myself. Bec, I would give anything to have him here right now, I just wanted you to know! I want him back too!" Jeff sniffed & I realized he was crying too. God this was so hard!  
Sasha poked her head around the door, "Oh I'm sorry to interrupt! I'm off now!" I let go of Jeff, "Just wanted to say bye! I'll see you tomorrow!"  
"Yeah, thanks! See you tomorrow!"  
"Oh and remember I don't know you're here Jeff ok?" she pointed at Jeff & he wiped his face & nodded. "Five minutes then make a run for it!" he nodded again & she left.  
"Jeff?"  
"Yeah?"  
"I was thinking about a middle name for Jude!"  
"Sure! What have you got in mind?"  
I paused & bit on my lip, "How would you feel about Matthew?"  
Jeff smiled as another tear ran down his cheek, "I think Matthew is a great name!"  
"What about your Dad? I don't want to upset him!"  
"I think Dad will be ok on this one believe me!" He hugged me again.  
"What am I gonna do Jeff?" I sighed, "How the hell am I meant to do this?"  
"It's gonna be ok!" he lay his head down beside me & shuffled onto the bed. We didn't wake up until the next morning. 


	53. Chapter 53

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 53  
  
When I woke up I was wrapped in Jeff's arms & I didn't wanna move! Jude was still asleep, wrapped up in his blanket. I'd only fed him once, not long after he was born & I was a little concerned that he'd slept for so long without a feed!  
"What is he still doing here?" Sasha giggled as she walked in the door. "My ass will be mincemeat if anyone catches him!"  
"Jeff!" I shook him & he stirred, "You have to go!"  
He sat up & rubbed his eyes, "Shit! I'm sorry I just fell asleep!"  
"Yeah well, come on out before the doctor does his rounds!" Sasha said as she checked Jude's temperature again.  
"Ok I'm gone!" Jeff ruffled his hair then kissed me on the cheek, "See ya later!" he smiled then gave Jude a quick kiss before sneaking out of the door.  
"He's persistant I'll give him that!" Sasha smiled, "Baby's temp is fine, you'll be able to go home in a few days!"  
"A few days?" I whined.  
"Yeah well he is 5 weeks early into this world, give the little guy a chance will you!" Sasha winked.  
"I know! I just can't wait to get home!"  
"And where is home? Are you still going back to England?"  
"No I don't think so! I think I'll stay in NC, for now anyway! Funny how having a baby changes all your priorities!" I smiled. "Oh he hasn't fed since yesterday & I was a little concerned, shouldn't he have been crying by now?"  
"Well he is early, I'd say the way he's curled up in there he still thinks he's in your tummy! Give him time, I'm sure he'll hollar when he's hungry!" she pulled the blanket up around him, "So how are you feeling today? Did you get much sleep?"  
"Yeah a few hours! I feel a lot better!"  
"Jeff's a nice guy!"  
"Oh erm yeah he is!"  
Sasha smiled, "He seems to look after you!"  
"Yeah well that's what Matt wanted, but…." I paused.  
"But?" She sat on the bed & put a cuff on my arm to take my blood pressure.   
"Ah nothing!"  
"I think he's taken a bit of a shine to you! Is that the 'but'?" She smiled.  
"Do all nurses have psychic powers?" I smiled.  
"Only the good ones!" she winked.  
"Yeah well I guess that's the 'but'!"  
"So how do you feel about that?"  
"I dunno, it's too soon!"  
"Oh I see!"  
"You see what?"  
"Blood pressure's ok!" She took the cuff from my arm, "Well the old 'it's too soon' excuse!" She smiled, "It's like you feel guilty, like you're betraying Matt am I right?" I nodded, "Well give it time!"  
"Are you on overtime or what?" I laughed.  
"No, but I moonlight as an agony aunt!" she laughed, "Seriously, the lady in curtain 4 caught her husband at it with the nanny!"  
"No shit?"  
"Yeah, shocking huh? And the lady in 1 doesn't even know who the father of her baby is! She's waiting to see what colour it comes out!"  
"Ok! Ok! Very funny!" I laughed.  
"Well it got you to smile!"   
"Ever thought of getting a job on Springer?"  
"So have you guys talked about it?"  
"You're not gonna let up are you?"  
"Are you kidding? I'm missing my day time soaps here! I need something to fill the void that 'The Young & The restless' has left behind!" She winked & I shook my head & smiled.  
"Nah we've not really talked about it much!"  
"Well do you want my opinion? It's free of charge & you can take it or leave it!" she smiled.  
"Go on then!" I rolled my eyes but secretly I did want her opinion! She'd been through a similar situation herself & I wanted to know how she delt with it as I had no clue!  
"Well," she started to fuss with my sheets, tucking them in at the bottom of my bed as she spoke, "From what I can see the guy is head over heels for you and…" she smoothed the blanket & sat down, "I know that right now it's too soon for you, but will it ever be not too soon?" She raised her eyebrows & I looked away, "It's obviously not a one way thing goin on here either is it?"  
"What do you mean?"  
Sasha smiled, "Well I mean I think your head is telling you it's too soon, but maybe other parts of your body have other ideas!" She laughed.  
"Oh no! Well….."  
"Hey look I said you could take it or leave it!" She laughed again, "I just reckon it's a waste that's all!"  
"What is?"  
She sighed, "Ok I'm gonna stick my neck out here, what I'm trying to say is forget about up here for a while…" she tapped her temple with her index finger, "I know it's hard to move on, God knows I tortured myself for months! I felt guilty, I was worried what everyone was gonna think and I didn't think I would or could love anyone else!"  
"I can't love anyone else!"  
"But you can! Unless I'm totally off the map here I'd say that you already do!" she smiled, "Take everything else out of the equation ok? Take all of it away & then how do you feel about Jeff?"  
I looked over at Jude who was stirring & I shrugged my shoulders, "I dunno?"  
"I think you do!" she smiled & stood up, "So, are you still needing some baby milk or….."  
"Yeah please! I just don't feel comfortable breast feeding! God I feel like a bad mother already!"  
"Don't be silly! I'll go & get you some bottles, looks like the little fella is hungry!" she went to the door.  
"I love him!" I said quietly & she nodded, "You're right, I love him, but I can't love him the way I love Matt!"  
"Not now you can't, but maybe it'll happen! You might just wake up one day, look at Jeff & think 'Holy Shit! This guy is amazing!'" she laughed, "I'll be back in a tick!" She left to get the bottles.  
I stared at the baby, his little arms were waving around but he still wasn't crying, his eyes weren't even open! Sasha was right though, I could quite easily fall in love with Jeff if I let it happen! But how the hell was I meant to take Matt out of the equation? After 8 months without him I still loved him with all my heart. Probably more so since the baby was born! I didn't want that feeling to go away, I didn't want to move on & forget about Matt! I never wanted to stop loving him, not now, not ever! Tears welled up in my eyes as I lay my head back onto the pillow & let them roll down my face.  
"Ok I've got the….." Sasha stopped when she saw me crying, "Oh man! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to upset you!" She put the bottles down on top of the little locker, "me & my big mouth! I'm just gonna shut up! From now on I'll keep my nose out!" She sat on the bed, "Just forget about what I said before! It's different for everyone!"  
I sniffed, "It's not you! Just, well I cry a lot these days!" I smiled through my tears as I sat up. "Y'know the last thing Matt said to me was 'I'm always making you cry!' well, he made me cry a hell of a lot less when he was here!"  
"Yeah I know! Believe me I've been there!"  
"There's more to it than guilt Sasha!" I paused & sighed, "See I had problems with my ex….he…….well he was a fucking lunatic putting it mildly!" I wiped my face, "And, he came back because I was in love with Matt! He wanted to hurt him,' I paused again, how could I explain this without sounding like a fruit loop? "Well he DID hurt Matt, and I'm so scared that…if………if I fall in love with Jeff he'll come back for him I know he will!" I started to sob, "I can't let that happen! I can't let him hurt Jeff! 


	54. Chapter 54

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 54  
  
3 days later & Jude was doing great so the doctors reluctantly said I could go home and that was when the panick set in! I suddenly realized I had practically no baby things at all, no crib, nothing! All I'd bought was a few clothes & some diapers! Jeff came to pick me up & I'd been dressed & ready to go for hours by the time they finally said I could leave! Sasha gave me her number & I promised to keep in touch with her, she'd become a good friend in all the weeks I'd been in the hospital & I would be eternally greatful to her for that! Jeff had bought a car seat, something that hadn't even crossed my mind & he carried Jude out to the car in it! I was so happy to be finally leaving that hospital yet very nervous now that I wouldn't have the nurses there to turn to at any given moment!  
"Jeff I really think I need to go shopping!" I said as we were on our way home, "I have nothing for this baby to even sleep in!"  
Jeff smiled, "Yeah well let's just get home & we'll think about that later! Your Mom is dying for this little guy to get there & she'll be driving Dad crazy if we don't get back soon!"  
"Oh God I hope your dad can handle her! Once she starts she is impossible!" I rolled my eyes.  
"Actually she's been fussing over both of us for weeks now & I think dad is secretly enjoying it!" Jeff laughed.  
When we got home there was a huge 'WELCOME HOME!' banner above the door!  
"Aw did you do that?" I asked Jeff.  
"Nope! It was all down to Betty!" Jeff laughed, "She's as excited about this baby as your Mom!"  
"Betty? Is she here now?"  
"No she went back to the Jameson's before I left to pick you up, but she said she'll be around later with the kids too if that's ok? You have to give her a call when you have a minute!"  
"I can't wait!" I smiled & got out of the car, "I've missed everyone so much!"  
Jeff went to the back of the car & undid the straps on the baby seat, "Here, you can carry him inside!" he handed me the seat.  
"Come on then little guy! This is home!" Jeff put his arm around me and the three of us went inside together! We were greeted by Jeff's uncle Max and 2 of his cousins who were standing in the kitchen with my Mum & Gilbert. We had coffee while the baby was passed around & fussed over & he didn't even wake up! Then Mary arrived with a gorgeous basket of flowers for me! As she put it, 'No one thinks of the Mom when there's a baby!' It was real nice of her! After an hour or so I grabbed my bags & headed for the stairs.  
"Here let me!" Jeff took my bags & followed me to my room. When I opened the door I took a step backwards completely stunned to see the place looked like a nursery! Everything I needed for the baby was all neatly set out with little blue ribbons attatched to the crib & the pram & blue teddy bears & balloons all over the room!  
"What the?" My eyes were like dinner plates & Jeff nudged me into the room, "You did all of this?"  
"Nope! It's a gift from guess who?"  
"I have no freakin' idea!"  
"The McMahon's!"  
"You're kidding me?"  
"No! It was delivered yesterday in a big truck! Although I do have to own up to going a little crazy with the balloons & ribbons!" Jeff grinned.  
"Jesus I can't believe they sent all of this!"  
"Well they thought a lot about Matt, especially Shane! They are very generous people to their friends!"  
"I'm stunned!" I said as I ran my hand along the side of the brand new crib! "Totally blown away!"  
Jeff came up behind me & put his arms around my waist. "Everything's working out ok!" he said as he put his chin on my shoulder, "We're gonna be alright!"  
"We?"  
"Yeah! You, Jude, me & Dad! We're a family now and well, we're gonna be ok!"  
"Yeah I guess we are!" I smiled although I had a feeling Jeff was trying to reassure himself more than he was me! Well I wasn't convinced! Happilly ever after was not in my vocabulary! It was going to be long & it was going to be hard but now that I had Jude I was more determined than ever that no matter how shitty my life was it wasn't going to affect him!  
***   
Christmas came & went, it was no big deal that year. Usually it was my favourite time of the year but not now. Jude was 6 months old & I felt like a 50 year old! Nothing seemed to be easy with him, he never slept much & pretty much all of the time he was awake he was crying! Jeff helped as much as he could but he had his work to do & he seemed to be as warn out as I was! I also, thankfully, had Betty & Sasha who came to see me as often as they could, but I would slip into depressions that would last for days at a time. No one really knew as I became the master of putting on a happy face! I started smoking again, usually in the middle of the night I'd be out on the porch, cigarette in hand & crying for no reason other than I was permenantly pissed off with my life! I loved Jude so much & I knew that my depression never affected him, I made sure of it! Somehow, even when he was screaming his lungs out at 3am I always managed to stay calm with him! It wasn't Jude that got me down it was everything else! I thought a lot about Jeff while I was out on the porch in the middle of the night. If I was honest with myself I knew I was falling in love with him, but I had to try not to, for his own safety! Mick had said I'd never see him again, but who can believe the word of a psycho……a dead psycho at that?! Nothing could stop him from coming back if he wanted to, it was like a fucked up episode of The X Files! But I knew what I'd seen in that hospital room, it wasn't a figment of my imagination, he was real! Had I known he was dead before I saw him then I would have believed it was my mind playing nasty tricks on me, but I hadn't known & he was there, in the flesh, or so I had thought at the time!   
Matt had been gone for over a year now & it was still as fresh in my mind as if it had happened yesterday! I still missed him & I still loved him, sometimes I still couldn't believe I'd never see him again but it had gotten a little easier to deal with! I just felt that my life was going nowhere, as much as I loved Jude it seemed like all I ever did was feed him & change diapers! I never went out & Sasha & Betty seemed like my only 2 friends in the whole world!  
One night I was on the porch, Jeff was home & he was asleep with Jude, he totally doted on him whenever he could spend time with him! He'd taken Jude into his room so I could get some sleep. It was freezing outside but I needed a smoke, so there I sat at 2am in my Pj's and one of Matt's old jackets, looking at the stars & smoking my second cigarette. I felt so low I'd hardly even spoken to Jeff since he came back, I just told him I was tired, but 3 words that Sasha had said to me earlier that day rattled around in my head! She had commented on the fact that I hadn't even gotten dressed when she'd arrived at lunchtime & she asked me if I'd heard of Post Natal Depression! I had laughed it off & told her I just hadn't had time to get dressed but deep down the reason had been that there was no point! Why get dressed? I wasn't going anywhere! My day would be full of bottles & diapers as usual so why even make the effort? She had picked up on something though, I expected I hadn't heard the last on the subject from her, especially as she'd told me she was coming back to see me again the next day! 


	55. Chapter 55

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 55  
  
The next day I didn't crawl out of bed until 11am! When Sasha arrived at 11:30 I had intended on being washed & dressed but it hadn't worked out that way! She looked me up & down as I put a cup of coffee infront of her & sat down with mine.  
"Rough night with Jude?"  
"Nope! Just a rough night period!" I sighed, "Jeff took Jude in his room for the night & I still couldn't sleep!"  
"Where is the little guy?"  
"Well Jeff got up with him, Jeff gave him his breakfast, Jeff got him dressed & Jeff took him out for a walk!"  
Sasha nodded & took a sip from her cup. "So it's like that then huh?"  
I ran a hand through my hair, "Yep, it's like that!" I forced a smile, "Jeff IS Super Mom!"  
Sasha looked up at me, "Well? Come on get it off your chest!"  
"Ah it's just me being pissy! Ignore me! I'm gonna get dressed!" I stood up.  
"He's only trying to help y'know?"  
I stopped & turned around, "Yeah I know he is, it's just………" I sighed.  
"Go on!"  
"Well I feel like such a bad mother! Jeff comes home & does everything right y'know? And when he's home I hardly see either of them anymore!"  
"So tell him!"  
"Ah I couldn't do that!" I sat back down & put my head in my hands, "It's not post natal depression, I know that's what you're thinking but you're wrong! I'm just fed up! Sick of looking at the same 4 walls I guess!"  
"I thought you went out with Dwayne the other week?"  
I laughed sarcastically, "That would be almost 4 weeks ago! He took us out for a picnic & Jude screamed every time Dwayne opened his mouth or even looked at him! Yeah terrific day!" I sighed, "Besides you, Betty & Dwayne, everyone else that comes here doesn't wanna see me anymore! I open the door & the first thing I'm greeted with is "Where's Jude?" or "Where's the little guy!" Oh God I just realized how fucking pathetic I sound!" I put my head on my arms.  
"Hun it's not pathetic to feel like this! But it does sound like PND! I'd be happier if you saw a doctor!"  
"That isn't what it is Sasha!"  
"Oh yeah? Insomnia? Walking around in you night wear all day? Crying at any given moment?"  
"I don't cry at any given moment!"  
"That's not what I heard!" She took another mouthful of her coffee.  
"What do you mean that's not what you………………oh wait! I get it! You & Jeff been having a little discussion about me now is that it?"  
"Paranoia!"  
I glared at Sasha, "Well perhaps you'd like me to leave when Jeff gets back & you two can talk about me all fucking day!" I stood up.  
"Lashing out irrationally!"  
Sasha calmly remarked & right on cue I burst into tears! She stood up & Hugged me, "I'm sorry!" I whimpered.  
"Don't be sorry! Just go & see a doctor ok? Before it gets any worse!" I nodded my head, "Promise?"  
"Yeah!" I wiped my face & sniffed, "If you can come with me?"  
"Of course I will! I wanna make sure you actually get there don't I?" She smiled, "Now go & get dressed & put your face on because we are going out for lunch, my treat!"  
I did as she asked & felt much better after I'd had a shower & put some make up on! I threw on my jeans & a white t-shirt & looked in the full length mirror on the back of the bedroom door.  
"Not as thin as you used to be huh girlie!" I said to myself & patted my belly. Then I tied up my hair & went back downstairs.  
I heard Sasha laughing her ass off as I approached the kitchen door & I thought Jeff had come back but when I went in it wasn't Jeff at all!  
"Oh my God! I might have known who was making her giggle like a school girl! What are you doing here?" I smiled, "And please tell me Rocky didn't just rear his ugly head then!"  
"Pheweeee! Look at you!" Dwayne smiled & hugged me. "You look great!" He kissed my cheek & Sasha winked from behind him. "Little thing going on in Charlotte this weekend……..y'know the tiny weeny Pay Per View?"  
I put a hand to my mouth, "Oh yeah…….Wrestlemania!"  
"Damn right! But hey it's no big deal, I mean anyone can forget Wrestlemania!" He smiled.  
"Ok! Ok!" I held up my hands, "So I forgot Wrestlemania!" I laughed.  
"So Bec & I were just going to go for lunch if…." A knock on the door interrupted Sasha.  
"Only meeee!" A voice called out.   
Sasha & I looked at each other, "Betty!" We laughed as Betty walked in!  
"Oh all this pie & here's me without a spoon!" Dwayne said under his breath & I nudged him in the ribs! "So, where am I taking you ladies for lunch then?"  
We all looked at each other, "Oh we're going for lunch?" Betty asked.  
"Looks like it!" Sasha smiled & grabbed her purse.  
"I warn you D, these two have expensive tastes! See a man in this much Leather & they automatically think he's a big hot shot movie star or something!"  
"Do you wanna walk?" he raised his eyebrow at me.  
"Hey! Watch it!" I poked his eyebrow, "He's sneaking out again! Did we forget to take our pills this morning?"  
Dwayne smiled, "Ok I'll go start the car while you three fight over the eye!" He smiled sarcastiacally at me & went to the door. My jaw dropped!  
"DWAYNE JOHNSON!" I picked up a cusion & threw it at him but all I hit was the back of the door as he closed it behind him!  
"The eye?" Betty said looking confused.  
"Yeah it was that movie, years ago, ya know the one where's the three witches only have one glass eye between them?"  
"What?" Betty shook her head & headed for the door, "You guys are too weird!"  
"Oh yeah! Wasn't it Jason & The Argonaughts?" Sasha said, smiling.  
"Nah I think it was Clash Of The Titans!" I quickly scribbled Jeff a note on a scrap piece of paper.  
"Or one of those Sinbad ones?" Sasha said, squinting her eyes.  
"Hm…….I still think it was Clash Of The Titans!"  
"GUYS!! Come out here & look at the view!!" Betty called from outside so Sasha & I hurried out of the door. There was Dwayne leaning into the back seat of his rented BMW clearing out empty Coke cans & sandwich wrappers with his leather-clad ass sticking out of the door! The three of us stood in a line on the porch with our heads to one side & we may as well have had our tongues hanging out too!  
"Wow man he's……"  
"Married!" I sighed & gave Betty a sideways glance!  
"That's a damn shame!" Sasha sighed & Betty & I both leaned forward to look at her!  
"Sasha so are you!"  
"Yeah well I can look! If I ever stop looking at an ass that fine please check for my pulse cause I'm probably dead!"  
"Mmmmm!" Betty & I said together & we all went back to staring at Dwayne!  
"Erm excuse me ladies but I am RIGHT HERE!" Dwayne said as he stood up.  
"MMM Yeah we know!" Sasha sighed.  
"Oh relax!" I said as we headed down the steps, "You know you love it!" I winked at him, "Besides it's not like we're gonna jump you in the car or anything! I promise!" I laughed.  
"I'm making no promises!" Betty said under her breath & I giggled.  
"Down girl!" I said through gritted teeth, "Besides, I saw him first!" I pulled a face at her!  
"What?" Dwayne asked.  
"Oh nothing! I bit on my lip & smiled, "I said I've got quite a thirst!" I coughed, "I hope wherever we're going aint too far that's all!"  
Betty & Sasha laughed at me as we all pilled into his car! 


	56. Chapter 56

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 56  
  
Lunch was probably the most fun I'd had in ages! Dwayne was a natural born flirt anyway so we all had fun winding each other up the entire time! After lunch we all went back to my place, except it wasn't really my place at all it was Gilbert's and that thought had crossed my mind on more than one occasion these past few weeks! Sasha made a coffee while I quickly nipped upstairs to see if Jeff was back with Jude. He was just putting him in his cot as I walked into the room.  
"Shhh!" he put his finger to his lips & we crept back out & into Jeff's room. "You have a nice lunch then?" Jeff asked as he kicked off his boots.  
"Yeah it was great actually! You should see Betty & Sasha though, drooling over Dwayne! I think they are quite taken with him!" I laughed & then we heard more giggling coming from downstairs & Jeff shook his head & smiled.  
"And what about you?" he winked.  
"Are you kidding me? I'm not blind!" I sat down next to Jeff & nudged him. "The guy is one hot dude!" Jeff laughed at me, "BUT he's one hot married dude I haven't forgotten that!" I laughed.  
"Well he certainly knows how to cheer you up! You look better than you have in months!"  
"Ah it's not just Dwayne, it's getting out of the house & Betty & Sasha too! I just feel normal when I'm out having a laugh with my friends!"  
"Yeah well you should do it more often, it suits you!"  
"What does?"  
"That stuff on your face! What is that again?"  
I laughed, "You should know! You wear more than I do!" we both laughed & Jeff lay back on the bed. "So, you got a big match for Wrestlemania then?"  
"Ah not really, only against Jericho, no titles or anything!"  
"Ah well you & Chris always have a great match though! Who's penned to win then?"  
"Well I could tell you that but then I'd have to kill you!" he pulled a face at me then his expression changed & he sighed. "We don't talk much these days do we?" He rubbed my back.  
"Oh you noticed that too huh?"  
"Yeah! I'm sorry!"  
"It's not your fault! We just don't have time any more that's all!"  
"Yeah well how about we make time then?" he sat up, "Ask Betty to babysit tonight & we'll go out somewhere!"  
"Yeah ok! I'll ask her!"  
"Great!" he smiled & kissed my cheek before we headed downstairs to the kitchen.  
"Hey guys!" Dwayne said & stood up & shook Jeff's hand.  
"Dwayne had a fantastic idea!" Sasha beamed.  
"Oh and what was that?" I asked as I sat down & Jeff sat beside me.  
"Well, you me & Betty are going out tonight!" Sasha giggled, "No buts! He's even offered to stay here & help Jeff look after Jude!"  
"Oh erm I don't…."  
"That's a great idea!" Jeff said, I looked at him & he shrugged his shoulders. He looked disappointed but tried to cover it with a smile.  
"Oh erm ok then…..I guess!"  
***   
Later that night I was doing my hair when Jeff came & stood at the bathroom door.  
"You look nice!" he said as he folded his arms & leaned against the doorframe.  
"Thanks. Listen I'm sorry about tonight!"  
"Hey that's ok! We can go out any time! It's no big deal!"  
"You're sure you don't mind?"  
Jeff laughed, "What am I your keeper now? Of course I don't mind!" he smiled, "Someone once told me to go out & get a life, I think maybe that's what you need to do right now!"  
I smiled & nodded my head, "Yeah, thanks!"  
"You better get a move on though, the cab will be here in 5!"  
"Five? Shit! I haven't even made up Jude's bottles!" I fiddled with my earring & Jeff came to help me.  
"It's under control! Just go out & have a good time!" He turned me around & put his hands on my shoulders, "Get drunk!" he laughed. "Oh and er…..you don't have to worry, about getting home early!"  
"Jeff!" I laughed.  
"What?"  
'You sound like my Dad!"  
"No, if I was your Dad I'd tell you that there was no way you were going out looking like that young lady & be home by 10pm or I'll call the cops!" he pointed a finger in my face & then laughed.  
"Looking like what? Aw man do I look ok?"  
"Yes you look fine!" there was the sound of a car horn from outside, "That'll be your carriage Cinders!" Jeff winked.  
"Yeah……I guess I should go then!" I picked up my lipstick & did one final touch up in the mirror.  
"Have fun! Oh and some of the guys might be at the club, they're all having a blow out before Mania!"  
I stopped in the doorway of the bathroom & turned around, "Ok so now I feel guilty!" I threw my lipstick into my purse.  
"Don't feel guilty! I see those assholes all week!" Jeff laughed, "Go on! Have fun!"  
I went back to him & kissed him on the cheek, "Thankyou!" I smiled & left the room. When I was halfway down the stairs he shouted,  
"Hey you're almost the same height as me in those boots!"  
I turned back & stuck my tongue out at him & he just laughed & shook his head.  
***   
When we got to the club the place was packed & it was loud! We headed straight for the bar & man was I looking forward to a drink! I had just paid for my bottle when I found myself being lifted from my feet & I screamed. Betty & Sasha looked concerned, then I turned & saw who it was!  
"Loser!" I playfully slapped Adam on the arm & he laughed & hugged me.  
"Dwayne said you might have been coming down tonight!" he shouted, "How have you been?"  
"OK!" I yelled, trying to make myself heard above the music! Betty nudged me & gave me a sarcastic smile! "Oh Betty this is Adam!" I shouted, he smiled & shook her hand, "And Adam this is Sasha!"  
"Nice to meet you!" Sasha yelled.  
"So who are you here with?" I got on my tiptoes & shouted into Adam's ear!  
"Everyone!" he smiled, "Come on!" He grabbed my hand & started to lead me away from the bar. I turned around to make sure Betty & Sasha were following me & Betty puffed out her cheeks, gesturing her head towards Adam! I rolled my eyes & laughed. I had a feeling Betty's tongue would be hanging out even more when she was introduced to the rest of the guys! 


	57. Chapter 57

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 57  
  
Almost the entire WWE roster was sitting around about ten tables & even I had to gulp when I saw all the faces turn & look our way! I didn't even know half of these guys & I suddenly felt a little out of place! I noticed Trish sitting with Vicky & some of the other girls & I gave them a wave! "I'm just gonna say hi to Trish!" I shouted at Adam & he nodded. I made my way through the chairs with Betty & Sasha in tow!  
"Man there's some serious beefcake in here tonight!" Betty shouted in my ear & I laughed.  
Trish stood up & hugged me when I got to her table then she pulled out some chairs so we could all sit down. "Haven't seen you in ages!" she yelled, "How's the baby?"  
"Fine thanks!" I smiled & looked around the table, I felt a little uncomfortable, like I'd just crashed someone's party! A young guy came up behind me & coughed, "Oh Bec this is……"  
He held out his hand, "Brian! Brian Kendrick! I believe we met once, briefly!" he smiled.  
"Oh yeah! Hi!" I shouted & shook his hand.  
"Wanna dance?"  
"Oh erm no I don't think so but thanks anyway!"  
"Go on!" Trish nudged my arm & winked! "I'll make sure the drinks are lined up for you & your friends when you get back!" she smiled.  
"Oh, sorry! Trish this is………"  
"I'm sure they can introduce themselves! Go on!"  
Reluctantly I followed this Brian guy onto the dance floor! I couldn't really remember meeting him before but I did recognize him from watching Smackdown! He kept talking to me, shouting in my ear & half the things he said I couldn't even hear! I felt very self conscious, as if everyone's eyes were on me, so I was glad when halfway through the song Shane decided to throw his arms around my neck!  
"How long have you been here?" he shouted. Brian looked us up & down & walked away looking a little deflated!  
"Oh not long! Are you drunk already?" I laughed.  
"Drunk enough to have hired the top floor for the night!" he grinned, "Come on! Let's go get the rest of these sorry assed clowns!" he took hold of my hand & led me back to the tables where he did a 'big announcement' as best he could over the music & then everyone started heading for the stairs!  
I grabbed hold of Betty & Sasha, the place was huge & I didn't want to risk losing them in the crowds. "Do you guys feel out of place?" I asked as we followed everyone upstairs.  
"Hell no!" Betty laughed.  
"I'm having a ball! Why?" Sasha asked.  
"No reason," I sighed, "It just doesn't feel the same without Matt y'know? I don't feel like I fit in anymore!"  
Sasha put her arm around me, "Just keep drinking the beer & try to relax a little will ya? Have fun!" She grinned, "That Brian guy has a major crush on you!"  
"GET BENT!" I laughed.  
"I'm serious!" Sasha laughed, "He was asking all kinds of questions about you while you were holding that Shane guy up on the dance floor!"  
I rolled my eyes, "Great! That's all I need!"  
We reached the door but Sasha pulled me back, "Why is it so bad? He's cute isn't he?"  
"Yeah but……….."  
"Yeah but nothing! You're young free & single! It's nights like this I wish I was single again!" she winked, "Sweetie Matt wouldn't want you to be on your own forever you know?"  
"Sash it's not that, it's……"  
"Come on you guys! Free booze in here!" Betty said, poking her head around the door.  
"We'll be with you in a min Betty!" Sasha said & I turned & headed for the door but she grabbed my arm! "Jeff?" she raised her eyebrows.  
"Hell no! It's nothing! Come on we're missing all the fun!" I forced a smile but still she wouldn't leave go of my arm!  
"I'm right aren't I?"  
I sighed, "No it's not Jeff!"  
"Yeah right!"  
"Oh come on Sasha! There'll be no beer left at this rate!" I grabbed the door handle.  
"Ok, but this conversation aint over lady!"  
Once inside I saw that the room wasn't much different from the one we'd just left downstairs, only it was a little quieter & we didn't have to shout so loud! We headed straight for the bar & just as I got my drink Brian showed up again! Sasha was right, he was pretty cute, but he was so not my type & a little young for me!  
"Hi again!" he smiled.  
Sasha & Betty giggled & walked off! "GUYS!" I shouted but they just kept going! "Erm….hi Brian!" I forced a smile & looked over his shoulder to see Sasha & Betty already dancing!  
"So, not seen you around for a while, don't you go to shows anymore?"  
"Oh erm I haven't been for a long time! I'll be at Wrestlemania!" I forced another smile & turned away, scanning the room for an escape route!  
"Wanna dance?"  
"No thanks!" *please God get me out of here!*   
We stood for a while not saying anything, I just downed my beer & got another one! As I looked around I saw Adam, 'come on! Look my way!' I thought to myself but he was busy clowning around with Shane! 'come on Adam!' I willed him to turn around & eventually he did & he smiled & waved! I waved back & raised my eyebrows! He gave me a puzzled look so I quickly looked at Brian out of the corner of my eye then back at Adam! He started to laugh & he winked & smiled at me! I mouthed "SHIT HEAD' at him & turned away! About 30 seconds later though he did come & rescue me!  
"Bec!"  
"Adam! Hi!" I smiled as if it was a total surprise that he was there! He bit on his lip to try & stop himself from laughing & I could've strangled him!  
"Ah Brian, would you please excuse us a minute? Bec is giving me a hand job in about 2 minutes!" My jaw dropped….so did Brian's! He put his arm around my shoulders & led me away!  
"You total bastard!" I slapped his chest & laughed.  
"Aw poor Brian!" he grinned, "I just thought I'd let you sweat it for a while before I rode in on my white horse!"  
"Oh thankyou! Some hero!" I laughed. "That poor guys face! I can't believe you said that!"  
Adam laughed, "Yeah he'll be kicking himself right now that he didn't just get out his wallet & get an appointment!"  
"ADAM! You shit head!" I hit him again.  
"Hey come on!" he laughed, "It was a joke!"  
I laughed at him, "Yeah well don't be saying shit like that…….I'll have too many offers & not enough time!" I stuck my nose in the air & Adam shook his head.  
"I deserved that!" he winked, "Ok so you wanna sit down or do you wanna see me strut my stuff?" he wiggled his eyebrows.  
'Ok lets dance, but only if you promise me you won't start head banging!"  
He leaned down & whispered in my ear, "Oh but I like banging my head!"  
"ADAM!"  
"Wha…………Oh my, you have a dirty mind young lady! That's not what I meant at all!" He put his tongue in his cheek.  
"Yeah whatever!" I laughed as he winked at me, took my hand & led me to the dance floor. 


	58. Chapter 58

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 58  
  
A couple of hours & way too many beers later I found myself dancing with Shannon when Betty bumped into me from behind. "Where have you been?" I giggled. I could see Betty was completely wasted & upon further inspection I also saw she was attatched to a guy with long blonde hair! He leaned over her & spoke to me.  
"I hope your boy is ready for the ass kicking of a lifetime on Sunday!" he grinned.  
"Oh, hi Chris! I'm sure he's more than ready and he's NOT my boy!" I smiled. Shannon put his arm around my waist.  
"Yeah Chris, besides I think it's you who should get ready for the ass whoopin'!" he laughed.  
"Yeah yeah, we'll see!" Chris waved his hand dismissively.  
While these two guys were debating the match I pulled Betty to one side. "What are you doing? Isn't he married?"  
"Divorced!" she grinned stupidly.  
"Oh right!" I smiled, "Nice huh?"  
"Are you kidding me? He's totally gorgeous! Don't expect me to get into that cab with you & Sasha tonight!" She winked.  
"You are such a slut!" I laughed.  
"Ah you're only jealous!" She laughed & nudged me. Truth be known I was jealous! I wished I could just forget about everything & be normal! I decided to go & get another beer, I'd had too much already but I was beginning to piss myself off so I thought I'd try to drown it out! As I made my way to the bar someone caught hold of my arm & spun me around.  
"Adam!" I laughed, "I'm getting another drink! Get off you clown!" I pulled free of his grip.  
"How about you go & sit down & I get the drinks?" He pointed me in the direction of Sasha who was sitting with Trish & some of the other girls laughing their asses off at Shane O who had decided to dance on a table! I agreed & headed off to join them!  
"Hey there!" Sasha said as I pulled up a chair beside her. "Have you seen Betty? I aint seen her in ages!" I laughed & pointed Betty out on the dance floor who now had a full on lip lock on Jericho!   
"I think she's a little busy!" I laughed.  
"Yeah, looks like she's having fun! How about you?"  
"Yeah I'm having tuns of fun!" I lied, "I felt bad that I left you for so long though! You must be having a shitty night!"  
"Hell no!" she laughed, "The entertainment alone was worth coming out for!" She gestured to Shane who was now joined on the table by Chris Benoit & Jay!  
"One of them is gonna fall off I bet!"  
"Yeah I go for Shane he's wasted!"  
"Nah I reckon Jay will the first to hit the floor!" I giggled, "It's what he does best!"  
"Here we go!" Adam put a beer down infront of me then handed out some more before sitting down next to me. "What are those idiots doing?" he laughed.  
Sasha raised her eyebrows at me & I shook my head I knew what she was thinking! I took another gulp from my bottle.  
"Oooh I love this song! Come on!" Trish said standing up.  
"Oh no! Not me I'm knackered!" I laughed.  
"I'll come!" Sasha got up & winked at me then followed Trish onto the dance floor.  
"Looks like your other friend is enjoying herself!" Adam grinned.  
"Betty? Oh yeah I think she's found her dream man! Her tongue has been hanging out all night!" I laughed.  
Adam turned and looked at me, "So has mine!" he winked.  
"Adam you're drunk!" I tried to laugh it off.  
"So are you!" he smiled, "Man I haven't seen you this bad since that night in the hotel!"  
I smiled as I recalled how everyone had piled into mine & Matt's room that night. Those times were the best times, nothing was the same anymore. "Yeah, great night that!"  
Adam nodded. "Yep, the best!" I looked out across the dance floor at everyone enjoying themselves, getting on with their lives, "You ok?"  
"Huh? Oh yeah, just thinking!" I forced a smile.  
"Bec, I know it must have been hard for you…"  
"It still is hard Adam believe me!" I turned away.  
"I know! I'm sorry! I just wanted to say, if you ever need to talk you know where I am ok? You have my number right?"  
"No, but Jeff does. Thanks Adam!" I hugged him.  
"Anytime!" he smiled & took hold of my hand, squeezing it slightly.  
"Man I'm beat!" Sasha wiped her brow & sat down. "Oh erm sorry am I interrupting something?" She looked from me to Adam and back again.  
"No Sasha! You weren't!" I smiled sarcastically at her.  
"She could have been!" Adam whispered in my ear & I gulped.  
"Is um Betty still down there?" I asked, trying to ignore Adam's comment.  
"I didn't see her. Shannon was asking about you though!" she winked at me.  
"Shannon?"  
"Yeah!" she giggled.  
"Asking what about me exactly?"  
"Um is she seeing anyone? Has she ever mentioned me? In other words he wants to ask you out!"  
"He said that?" I was completely shocked!  
"No but it was obvious!"  
"Oh shut up Sasha! He doesn't!"  
"Excuse me ladies, call of nature!" Adam smiled as he left the table.  
"And I'd say he wasn't the only one!" Sasha said as she watched Adam make his way through the crowd.  
"Oh yeah I know I'm just so irresistible! All the guys are after me!" I said sarcastically.  
"Hello again!" Right on cue, Brian Kendrick appeared & sat down beside me. Sasha bit on her lip & turned away!  
"Well ah I think I'll just um go get a drink….or something!" She stood up & I glared at her but still she left me there alone with Brian!  
"Are you having a good time?" He smiled & suddenly I felt like such a bitch!  
"Yeah thankyou! I haven't had this much fun in a long while!" I smiled, I figured the least I could do was talk to the guy!   
"Will you be going to the 'post Mania' celebrations then?"  
"Yeah probably, well if I can get a baby sitter! Are you?"  
"Yeah for sure!" he smiled, man he had a gorgeous smile! It was to die for……I only just noticed! "Um would you like to dance?"  
I was about to refuse him, until he smiled again! "Um yeah ok! But only if I'm not too drunk to walk!" I giggled. He stood up & held out his hand so I took it & he pulled me up! When we reached the dance floor he put his arms around my waist & I put mine around his neck & he looked into my eyes.  
"I um….I really like you!" he said, smiling shyly.  
"Oh Brian erm I don't think….well…."  
"It's ok! I kinda figured you weren't really interested!"  
I felt so bad! "Brian believe me it's not you! It's just, well I'm not really looking for anyone right now, if you know what I mean?"  
"Yeah sure, I understand! Maybe when you are looking sometime, you can erm look my way?" He smiled.  
I gave him a hug & kissed him on the cheek, "Aw you're so…"  
"Don't say sweet…or cute either!" he laughed.  
"Ok! Ok!" I laughed, "You're so um….nice then!"  
"Hey Bec! Got a minute?"  
"Oh hi Shan!"  
"I don't think we were meant to have a dance tonight!" Brian smiled.  
"Oh I'm sorry! Hey I promise you one at the after show on Sunday though ok?"  
He smiled, "Yeah I'll keep you to that! Maybe we can talk, later tonight if you want?"  
"Um, yeah sure ok!"  
Shannon put his arms around my waist & pulled me close to him. I looked from side to side to see if anyone was watching. "Um Shannon you are drunker than me!" I laughed nervously.  
"Yep!" he grinned, "It's just as well I am though!"  
"Oh really? Why's that?"  
"Well if I wasn't then I don't think I'd have the balls to do this!"  
Before I knew it his lips were on mine & I just stood there in total shock! When I came to my senses I pushed him back slightly.  
"SHANNON!" I stared at him, "Jesus!" I touched my lips.  
"Bec!" Sasha grabbed my arm, "Come dance with me!" She started to pull me away.  
"Can we talk, later?"  
"Ah erm…..ok…..later Shannon!" I said still totally stunned by what had just happened.  
"Woah! Intense huh?" Sasha smiled. "You looked a little uncomfortable, but if I was interrupting & you didn't want me to then I'm sorry!"  
"Can we sit down?" I asked & she nodded & led me to the tables. "Jesus what's wrong with me?" I put my head in my hands. "Have I got a flashing neon light above my head saying 'she's available have a shot! You might get lucky?'"  
Sasha laughed, "Yeah you could bottle whatever you got goin on tonight & sell it!" She winked & I shook my head, "What's wrong? It's not like any of these guys are exactly ugly! Jesus you should have a huge grin on your face right now!"  
"I'm just not ready!"  
"Sure you are, only there's a certain someone standing in your way isn't there?"  
"Yeah, Matt!" I leaned my head on my arms.  
"No that's not who I meant I you know it!" She took a drink from her bottle. "Jeff!"  
"Oh don't start with the Jeff thing again! You're obsessed with him! I'm sure it's you who wants to jump into bed with the guy!" I moaned.  
"Yeah whatever! But it's true & you know it is! Never mind trying to turn this on to me!"  
"No, you're dead wrong!"  
"So what's stopping you then? If you are so NOT into Jeff the way I think you are into Jeff then…"  
"I'm NOT into Jeff! He's like…..like….my fucking brother or something for God's sake!"  
"Ok, but well I'm not convinced! Whatever, it's none of my business!"  
I got up, "I'm goin to the bathroom, I won't be long!" I didn't really need to go but I had to get out of there, she was driving me nuts! I was halfway to the bathroom when a hand grabbed hold of my arm.  
"Wanna talk now?"  
"Oh erm….I'm goin to the bathroom!"  
"Ok, well see that door over there? I'll be out there in 5, if you don't show then I'll get the message ok?"  
"Yeah, sure!"  
"But you will show, right?" I looked into his eyes, over his shoulder I could see Sasha eyeing me suspiciously. 'Ok Sasha! I'll prove there's nothing between me & Jeff…just watch me!' I thought to myself. I put my hand on the back of his neck & Pulled him down to my height.  
"Yeah I'll show!" I whispered in his ear. I ran my hand through his blonde hair & kissed his cheek softly. 


	59. Chapter 59

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 59  
  
When I came out of the bathroom Sasha was waiting for me with her back to the wall & her arms folded across her chest. "What the hell are you doing?" She asked & I just looked at her. "Do you really wanna just go with this guy?"  
"You're the one who's been nagging me all freaking night about getting on with my life!"  
"Not like this Bec!" she shook her head. "If this is to prove a point to me then please, I get the message ok? You don't need to do this!"  
"Sasha," I sighed, "Right now I'm not exactly 'doing' anything! Besides he's a nice guy! Why shouldn't I?"  
"Well if this is what you really want then……I'll keep my nose out just, well be careful and take a little time to think about this! Why not wait until you are both sober for starters?"  
"I'll be ok!" I smiled, "Stop worrying will ya?" I nudged her & she smiled, I walked away.  
When I got to the door I paused, my heart was racing but it was more from excitement than fear! I pushed the door slightly & suddenly found myself being dragged out onto the landing!  
"I thought you weren't coming!"  
"Hey I told you I was!" I smiled as he took me in his arms.  
"I don't feel much like talking anymore!" he said as he looked into my eyes.  
I brushed some of his hair from his face with my fingertips & he closed his eyes & took a deep breath. "Do you realize how crazy this is?" I whispered.  
"Crazy is my middle name!" he grinned.  
"Yeah but if someone comes out here……….."  
"So what? Are you seeing anyone?"  
"No but……….."  
"Neither am I so what's the problem?"  
I stumbled backwards, "Ooops!" he kept tight hold of me & pulled me back to him. He put his hands on the back of my neck as he kissed me & I pulled back. "What's wrong? Relax!" he smiled & kissed me again, this time I let it happen. I felt like a school kid, sneaking off & doing something I shouldn't be! I got a major adrenalin rush as our tongues intertwined and he pushed me up against the wall & pressed himself against me. I had one hand up the back of his shirt, raking my nails down his back while my other hand squeezed his ass & he moaned as we kissed. One of his hands was in my hair & the other up the front of my shirt & I kissed him harder as he squeezed my breast. It wasn't like me at all but I just wasn't thinking! I'd had too much to drink & the only thing that was on my mind was lust, pure & simple lust! I wanted someone & he happened to be there, I'd always thought he was a great looking guy ever since we first met, but after that kiss I wanted him more & I wanted him there & then! We broke the kiss & he cleared his throat & adjusted his trousers slightly while I tried to tidy up my hair & straighten my shirt.  
"You sure you wanna do this?" he asked as he ran a hand through his hair.  
"I'm sure!"  
"Ok come on! Let's get out of here!" he took hold of my hand & together we went outside to hail a cab.  
***   
  
Ever heard of the phrase, 'Wild, Animal Sex'? Well I didn't think I was capable of such a thing but, as they say, alcohol makes you lose your inhibitions, and boy did mine ever jump right out of the window that night?! When I think back now I actually shock myself! We were pulling each other's clothes off the second we were in his hotel room, I can't even remember how many times we had sex but I do know it was almost all night! I remember being up against the wall, on the floor, the bed, the chair, even (I'm ashamed to admit it!) on the balcony!! It was completely crazy and to this day I don't know what came over me to do some of the totally undescribable shit that we did to each other that night!  
When I woke up & looked at my watch it was 5am & I felt like shit! I must have had an hour & a half's sleep tops & I was aching all over!  
"Aw man! What time is it?" he groaned & I turned over & smiled at him.  
"5am!" I whispered, "I'm gonna have to go!" I pulled the sheet around me as I got out of bed & started to gather up my clothes that were strewn all over the floor! Every time I bent over I felt like I was going to spew & my head was pounding!  
"You're leaving? At 5am?"  
"Yeah, I have to get back to Jude!"  
"Oh shit yeah! Sorry." He at up in bed & eyed the sheet I was clutching around my naked body, "Now she gets bashful?" he raised his eyebrows & I giggled.  
"I'm gonna get dressed."  
"Come here first!" he patted the edge of the bed so I sat down & he put his arm around me, "At least let me buy you a coffee before you go!"  
"Oh yeah! I can really go to Wendy's in the top I was wearing last night! I'd look like a hooker at this hour of the morning!"  
"Your jeans are ok & I'll lend you a shirt!"  
I leaned my head back on his shoulder, "God it hurts!" I rubbed my forehead. He lay back on the bed & I let myself fall with him.  
"Man tell me about it!" He rubbed his head, "I can't believe I drank that much!"  
"Me either! Um…….I'm not usually like this y'know?"  
"That's a shame!" he grinned.  
"I'm serious! I don't want you to think…..well." I sighed, "You're the first person I've, well, y'know….since Matt."  
"Oh right! Sorry! I wasn't thinking!  
"Hey no it's cool! But……."  
"I won't be seeing you again will I?"  
"Oh you'll be seeing me around, but not like this!"  
"Ah right, I kinda thought as much anyway!"  
"You mind?"  
"Well…..yeah a little! But well if that's what you want then I'm ok with that!" I smiled at him, "It's a shame though!" he lifted my chin & kissed my lips softly. "I thought we were kinda good together!"  
"Yeah we were but it's just not me, that's all! What you got last night was a totally different person, you'd only be disappointed!"  
"Hmm I doubt that!" he smiled & kissed me again, "Ok come on then! Let's find you a shirt & go get a coffee before my head explodes!"  
I got dressed & washed last night's crap off my face! I looked like death but quite frankly I didn't even care! We ended up in a little café about a block away from the hotel. It was nice & quiet which I suppose I could've expected at 5:30am! We talked over coffee about all kinds of stuff, it was nice, not forced or awkward at all, just two old friends having a coffee & I guess that's exactly what it was! What happened the night before wasn't even mentioned once! He offered to drive me home but I decided that wasn't such a good idea!  
"Will Jeff freak if he finds out?"  
"Yeah probably! Oh I dunno! He just, well he's a little over protective of me I guess, since Matt died." I said as we waited outside the café for my cab.  
"Bec?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Before you go…………" He put his arms around my waist & smiled, "I just wanna…um…."  
I smiled & kissed him, it was deep & it was nice, but I knew it wasn't for me. As we parted the cab pulled up & we looked at each other. "I guess I'd better get gone then?"  
"Yeah I guess. I'll see you around?"  
"Probably!" I let go of him & went to walk away but he grabbed my hand, pulled me back & kissed me passionately.  
"Don't do this!" I whispered as he held my face in his hands.  
"I'm sorry!" I put my arms around his neck & we held each other.  
"I have to go!" I kissed his cheek, "I'll see you…….soon!" I smiled & got into the cab, leaving him standing on the street.  
***   
I got back home at 6:30am & I felt like such a kid, sneaking in the back door & tiptoeing around with my boots in my hand!  
"The wanderer returns!"  
I jumped, "Holy shit Dwayne!" I hissed at him, "I thought it was Jeff! I shoved his legs off the end of the couch & sat down. "Have you been here all night?"  
"Yeah, which is more than can be said for some!" He winked.  
I lay back & rubbed my head, "I feel like crap!"  
"Evil, evil alcohol!" Dwayne ruffled my hair, "No sympathy from me! Where did you end up?"  
"Oh erm…..Sasha's?" I raised my eyebrows & Dwayne shook his head.  
"Nope Jeff called there!"  
"Oh shit! Ok how about Betty's then?"  
Dwayne laughed, "Ok we'll go with Betty's!"  
I puffed out my cheeks, "Y'know it shouldn't even matter where the hell I was last night!"  
"So why does it then? I mean what's the deal with you & Jeff anyway?"  
"There's no deal!"  
"Come on Bec! He was up half the damn night pacing the floor because you hadn't come home!"  
"Oh well maybe that's his problem then!" I rubbed my head. I was about to bitch some more when I heard Jeff coming downstairs! I rolled my eyes & put my head on Dwayne's shoulder, "Can't we just say I've been here for hours?"  
"Oh no! Don't bring me into this!"  
"Save me Dwayne I'm dying!" I moaned.  
"Oh thank God you're home!" Jeff said as he came into the living room.  
"In body only, my mind is still out there, in the gutter somewhere!"  
"So I take it you had a good time last night then?"  
"Mmm it was ok! I just drank too much! Where's Jude?"  
"He's still asleep!"  
"Mind if I grab a shower?"  
Dwayne stood up & grabbed his bag from the chair & I fell into the nice warm douvet he'd left behind! I snuggled my head into it! It smelled of gorgeous, expensive cologne & I smiled to myself at how immaculate Dwayne was, even when he went to sleep! 


	60. Chapter 60

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 60  
  
"I was worried about you!" Jeff said as he moved my legs onto his lap when he sat down.  
"So I heard! There was no need!"  
"Where did you stay?"  
"Oh erm over at the Jameson's with Betty!"  
"How come you didn't just come home then? It's not that far!"  
"Well because….because it was late & I'd had way too much to drink! I didn't wanna roll in here & wake up the whole house!"  
"Ah right. Do you want a coffee?"  
"No thanks! I think I'll just curl up here & die!" I snuggled my head further into the douvet & closed my eyes.  
"Oh can I have my cell?" Jeff asked, "I need to call Shane O!"  
"I wouldn't call him now he was wasted!" I laughed, "But yeah it's in my bag, help yourself!"  
He picked up my purse & plonked it on my legs as he rummaged in it. "It's not here!"  
"Sure it is!" I sat up & sighed. "Give it here!" I took the bag from his hands & started pulling everything out & he was right, it wasn't there! My stomach lurched, "Shit Jeff!" I looked at him sheepishly.  
"Aw man! Please tell me you haven't lost it!" He stood up & I bit on my lip, "Aw Bec! How can you be so…..urgh! MAN!" he ran a hand through his hair, I'd never seen him this pissed at me! "Ok well maybe you left it at Betty's, call her & see!"  
"I can't call her at this hour!"  
Jeff sighed & put his hands on his hips, "Ya know, we wouldn't have this problem if you would just get your own God damn cell phone!" he raised his voice.  
"You know fine well why I won't have one!" I snapped, "Besides if you hadn't insisted I took yours so that you could check my every fucking move then this wouldn't have happened!" I threw the douvet onto the floor & stormed upstairs to my room. Jude was fast asleep in his cot & I stared down at him. He looked so much like Matt now it was uncanny! Tears welled up in my eyes when I thought about what I'd done the night before. "I'm sorry baby!" I whispered & touched Jude's cheek then I got into bed & cried myself to sleep.  
***   
Later that day I went down to the arena with Betty & Andrew (The Jameson's eldest) and I left Jude with Mary. As we walked down the corridor we bumped into Shannon & all said 'Hi!' When Betty was distracted by Andrew pulling on her sleeve & pointing out Brock Lesner, Shannon pressed something into my hand.  
"Thanks!" I smiled.  
"No problem!"  
He started to walk away when I realized I had something to give him too. "Oh Shan!" I rummaged in my bag & pulled out the screwed up shirt & handed it to him. He shook his head & smiled as he walked away.  
"What's that?" Betty asked when she turned around.  
"Jeff's cell!" I put it into my purse & we went to find the main arena.  
Most of the day was spent either watching the guys go through their game plan in the ring or watching Betty & Chris all over each other! Their's was more than a one nighter by the looks of things! I was sitting staring into space when Jeff trotted over to me after his warm up & I held out his cell.  
"You found it!" he smiled.  
"Yep." I said & turned away.  
"Listen I'm sorry about having a go at you before! I didn't mean it!"  
"Hey guys!" Chris said as he joined us. "What's up?"  
"Nothin much! You?" Jeff shook his hand.  
"Hm well I kinda have my hands full with Bec's friend if ya know what I mean!" he winked.  
"Where is Betty?" I asked.  
"Oh she just took Andrew to find the bathroom." Chris grinned & nudged Jeff, "Did Bec look as rough as Betty did this morning when she got up?" he laughed.  
"Well she looked rough by the time she got home! She didn't say you stayed at Betty's! You should've come over for breakfast!"  
My stomach churned & I held my breath. "I didn't man! Betty stayed with me, at the hotel!"  
Jeff looked at me, "Tell me again where you stayed last night?" Chris looked from one of us to the other & he realized he'd put his foot in it! "Well?"  
"Hey guys! All set for tomorrow?" Adam asked as he walked over. My eyes widened & I gulped. Jeff looked Adam up & down & studied him for a moment. Then he looked back at me & I looked at my feet. He looked at each one of us again then walked away with his head down.  
"What did I do?" Adam asked.  
"Beats me!" Chris patted him on the shoulder, "well I'm gonna get back to work! Catch you guys later!" he wandered off.  
I put my head in my hands & sighed. "What? What's up with Jeff?" Adam asked & I looked up at him through my fingers.  
"The shirt!"  
"What?"  
"You're wearing the shirt I went home in this morning Adam!"  
"Oh shit! Right!"  
"I'd say we've been busted wouldn't you?" I ran a hand through my hair.  
"Well I spilled coffee on my other one, when Shannon brought this back for me I changed cause it was all I had with me!" He sat down beside me & I still didn't look up. "So what does he think you shouldn't have a life now is that it? Because of Matt?"  
"I think there's more to it than that!" I stood up, "I'll see you later."  
"Yeah I hope so!" He smiled, "Hey listen I'm sorry!" I nodded & went off to find Jeff.  
I eventually found him in his locker room & he turned his back on me when I walked in.  
"Jeff?" He didn't answer, "So what are you not speaking to me now?" Still he remained silent, he just started grabbing stuff out of the locker & stuffing it into his bag. "I'm sorry ok! I shouldn't have lied to you!" He sighed. "Jeff, why the hell are you so pissed at me? So yeah I spent the night with a guy! Jesus I'm human!"  
"I just don't get it!" He put his hands on his hips & looked at the floor.  
"Get what?"  
He turned around, "How come it's so easy with Adam & yet so fucking difficult………….ah forget it!" he turned his back again.  
"With you is that what you were going to say?"  
"I said FORGET IT!" he slung his bag over his shoulder & stormed past me & out of the door. I sat down on the bench & rubbed my face. Why did all this shit have to happen to me?  
"Hey how did it go I saw him leaving!" Adam came in & sat beside me.  
"Ah it's um complicated!" I forced a smile.  
"Unlike us huh?" he smiled & rubbed my leg. "Are you & Jeff…………"  
"No! No we're not!"  
"Hey guys! What's up with Jeff? He almost knocked me over in the hall!" Dwayne said as he walked over to a locker & threw his bag inside.  
"Apparently it's complicated!" Adam stood up.  
"Ah right! HEY! Nice shirt man!" Dwayne tugged at Adam's sleeve & Adam became a little flustered.  
"I'm um….just….gonna….um…..go!" he smiled & left quickly.  
Dwayne raised his eyebrows at me. "Don't start!"  
"Hey did I say anything?" He sat down, "I kinda figured you were with someone, but I'd never have picked Copeland in a million years!" he laughed.  
"It's not funny! Jeff's throwing some sort of hissey fit & now I feel like such a bitch!"  
"You're not a bitch!" He smiled.  
"No? Well try slut then cause I know that's what he's thinking!" Tears welled up in my eyes.  
"And why is it so important what Jeff thinks?" Dwayne put his arm around my shoulders & I burst into tears. "Ok!" He held me tightly, "I think I get it, infact I think I got it a while ago didn't I?" I didn't say anything, "You really care about Jeff don't you?"  
"It's such a mess Dwayne!"  
"Ok! Ok! Shhhh, so you thought sleeping with Adam would achieve what?"  
"There was no reason!" I whined & wiped my face, "It just kinda happened! I wasn't thinking, hell I was so wasted! But it just………..well I felt human again, for a little while anyway!" I sniffed, "But I still miss Matt so much Dwayne! You can't even know how much!" I started sobbing again & he hugged me. 


	61. Chapter 61

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 60  
  
Dwayne gave me a lift back home & I decided I needed a cigarette before I went to pick the baby up from Mary. I went inside & Jeff was in the kitchen, feeding Jude!  
"Oh I was just going to go & get him!"  
"Well I saved you the bother!" He spooned some food into Jude's mouth.  
"It wouldn't have been a bother! I was gonna take him for a walk before lunch that's all!"  
"Oh well sorry! I thought you'd be too busy!"  
I put a hand to my head, had I just walked into the Twilight Zone? "Busy doing what exactly?"  
"Well how should I know?" he spooned some more food out of the bowl & played 'aeroplanes' with it while Jude giggled at him.  
"Why are you being like this?"  
"All gone!" he tickled Jude then took the bowl & spoon to the sink. "I'm not being like anything! You're the one with the problem not me!" he spat at me & turned his back. I caught hold of his arm & spun him around.  
"Stop beating around the bush! Come on you've obviously got something you wanna say so spit it out!" He smirked & turned away again, "JEFF!" I yelled, "Ok so this isn't about the fact that I had sex with Adam is it?"  
"Don't shout! Dad's outside!"  
"Don't shout? DON'T FUCKING SHOUT!!!" I went to him & once again turned him to face me, "This is because I had sex & it wasn't with you!" I prodded his chest.  
"NO ACTUALLY! THAT"S NOT IT!" he yelled in my face.  
"SO WHAT THE HELL IS IT JEFF BECAUSE I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA!"  
"YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW!" He shouted & Jude started to cry.  
"Oh I think I can be the judge of that! Come what is it? You think I'm….I'm a slut is that it?" he looked away & I shoved him, "Don't fucking turn away from me! Who the hell do you think you are anyway? Am I not allowed to have a life now? HUH?" I shoved him again.  
"Don't push me!" he said quietly.  
"Why? What are you gonna do about it?" I was almost screaming at him! All my anger at the world was bubbling up to the surface & I couldn't stop myself! "Tell me what you think of me! Go on!"  
Jeff swallowed hard & then licked his lips, "Well…..it didn't take you long did it?" he said through clenched teeth.  
I took a step backwards, "What?" I gasped.  
"You heard me! You weren't thinking about Matt last night were you!"  
Without even thinking I brought my hand up to slap his face but he caught my wrist. "You bastard!" I whispered as the tears streamed down my face.  
"The baby's crying." He said coldly as he stared at my face. He was expressionless, I didn't think he could ever be so cruel.  
"So you see to him!" I yanked my arm from his grip, "You do it so much better than me anyway!" I sobbed & ran out of the back door.  
I didn't know where I was going, all I knew was I had to get away from Jeff, away from everyone! I tried to calm down incase anyone saw me as I walked along the road, they'd have me committed the state I was in! I couldn't believe Jeff had been so hurtful! All this time he'd been my rock, the only reliable thing I had in my life & now I felt like I'd seen his true colours, I'd heard what he really thought of me. It almost killed me to hear those words go around & round in my head as I walked.  
I'd wandered for a couple of miles in a world of my own and when I looked up I realized I was just along the road from the cemetery. I didn't go there much, infact I tried to avoid the place as much as possible. Going there reminded me that Matt was no longer here, as if I didn't have enough reminders of that already! Today, however, was different, I felt drawn to the place like I'd never done before so slowly I opened the huge iron gates & stepped inside. For all I hadn't been there more than 4 or 5 times I still knew exactly where to find him like I'd visited every day. It was just instinct, something drew me too him. I was about 30 feet away when I saw that there was already someone there, at his grave, standing with his hands in his pockets & his head down. I knew who it was & I felt a sickness well up in my stomach. I looked around to see if there was anyone else nearby but I was alone. My mind screamed at me to turn & run, get the hell out of there, but for some reason my legs just kept on going! He didn't see me approach him & he jumped when I spoke.  
"Well what the fuck would you know about this?"  
"BEC!" he looked around him & then back at me. "I……I….erm…….I……….." he swallowed hard.  
"What are you doing here Steve?"  
"I…….I…….." he stammered, "I'm sorry I was just………….."  
"Leaving? Because that would be the smart thing to do? Oh but wait, 'smart' isn't exactly a word I'd use to describe you!" I smiled sarcastically at him. I had such an adrenalin rush, fear coursing through my whole body but I was determined I was going to have this out with him no matter what it took! He wasn't going to scare me any more!  
"I'm sorry about Matt!" he hung his head.  
"Not as sorry as I am!" I spat at him, "When did they let you out of your fucking cage?"  
"2 days ago. I had to come back and……."  
"And what Steve? Why did you come back here?"  
"I don't know!" he hung his head again, "I'm sorry! None of this was meant to happen please believe me!"  
"Oh I get it!" I laughed, "You want me to forgive you? Forgive poor little pathetic Steve so he can sleep easy in his bed at night? Well FUCK YOU!"  
"I never laid a finger on you Bec! It was all Mick!"  
"That's true, but he couldn't have done it without you Steve, he was never that smart! But you……..you were a different story! You got in here…." I tapped my temple with my finger, "You fucked me up more than Mick ever did!" He swallowed hard & looked away. "Do you realize what you did to me? I can't even own my own cell phone because it terrifies me! That's how good a job you did on me Steve! Are you proud of yourself?"  
"No I never meant to do all of that shit! It just got out of hand! And I swear to you I never knew he was gonna……" he paused,  
"Rape me? That's the word you're looking for….RAPE!"  
"I'm sorry! I was desperate! They were sharks Bec! They were going to kill me and I had no other way of making the money I needed in the short space of time that I had!"   
"Save it for someone who cares! God I wish they had killed you! You don't deserve to be breathing!" I walked around to Matt's headstone & squatted down beside it. "He couldn't have done any of this without you!"  
"What happened with Matt, it was an accident right? I mean Mick….."  
"DON'T speak his name, not here! He's dead did you know that?"  
"What?"  
"Your cohort…" I traced the gold lettering on the headstone with my finger, "Your partner in crime! Dead, rotting in hell where he deserves to be!" I stood up.  
"I didn't know. I'm sorry!"  
"Don't be sorry for me, be sorry for yourself! If I had a knife in my hand right now I'd kill you myself do you know that? I hate you for what you did to me!" I slapped his face as hard as I could & he staggered back, clutching at his cheek. "But you're not worth it! You're nothing!" I spat at him. I should have been terrified of him yet a found a whole new sense of calm coming over me. I thought he would attack me after I hit him, kill me even, but as long as I got to say what I needed to say, somehow whatever happened after that didn't matter! I'd spent months of my life looking over my shoulder for this guy, countless nights dreaming of what I would say to him if I ever saw him again, and yet now he was here I wasn't scared anymore! I wasn't the trembling, sobbing wreck I'd envisioned in those dreams, begging for him to leave me alone, hiding in a dark corner not daring to breathe incase he found me! He wasn't the huge monster I'd seen when I closed my eyes either! He was just a sad ex-con! Pathetic, wasting away, grubby, he was nothing. I wasn't going to run away from him anymore!  
"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea!" he started to walk away.  
"Oh you got that right! What did you expect from me Steve? Did you want me to feel sorry for you? Tell you all is forgiven? What?"  
"I just wanted to…….to try & explain! I wanted to tell you & Jeff how sorry I am!"  
"Jeff?" I threw my arms up in the air then put them on my hips laughing hysterically. "Let me give you some advice about Jeff! It's the only piece of advice you're ever going to get from me & I'm telling you for his sake not yours!" He nodded his head slowly, the wind whipped my hair into my face & I must have looked like a mad woman standing there laughing like some sort of demented witch! "Stay the fuck away from Jeff! If you see him coming your way, run! And I mean run your ass off because he doesn't need a knife Steve……he'll kill you with his bare hands!" Steve bit on his lip, "And you know the really shitty thing is I can't let that happen! He's been through enough because of me without doing time for a worthless piece of shit like you! As much as I'd like to see you in the dirt I'd rather do it myself than have Jeff involved in any way! Do we understand each other?"  
"I never meant for any of this to happen!" he started to cry.  
"Leave! Go now!" I put a hand to my brow, "Just walk out of this cemetery & out of Cameron & don't come back! Not for anything!"  
"I'm sorry!" he whispered & wiped his face on his sleeve.  
"I don't care!"  
I stood with my arms folded across my chest & watched until he was out of sight, then I sank to my knees & burst into tears. 


	62. Chapter 62

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 62  
  
I was there for quite a while I have no idea how long. When I eventually went home it was dark & I was cold. All I wanted to do was go to bed & forget that this weekend had ever happened, hell at that point I wanted to forget half my life had ever happened! Gilbert was in the kitchen when I walked in & I must have looked a mess judging from the wide-eyed look he gave me!  
"I'm just gonna go & have a shower!" I said quietly & went to walk past him but he touched my arm.  
"Bec?" I stopped & turned around. "Will you have a coffee with me? 5 minutes is all I ask! I have something I need to say."  
I took a deep breath, I was sure I was in for another lecture of some description, ah well I decided better to get it over with, top this fantastic weekend off with a lecture - perfect! "Sure, ok!" I sat down & he made us a coffee & sat down opposite me.  
"Been to see Matt today?" he asked, I nodded my head & looked into my cup. "I saw you down there, I go every day myself but that's the first time I've ever seen you!" My mind raced, what if he'd seen me with Steve? "I thought you looked like you needed some time, so I just left you to it!"  
"Yeah well I just kinda needed to go y'know?"  
Gilbert nodded, "did it have anything to do with the argument you & Jeff had earlier? I kinda overheard some things!"  
"Oh right. " I took a gulp from my cup.  
"If you have got yourself a boyfriend then…"  
"I haven't!"  
"Oh well Jeff, he was pretty upset when you left."  
"We shouldn't have been fighting, things just got out of hand."  
"He's over emotional sometimes, always been the same ever since he was a kid!" Gilbert smiled, "I never thought Matthew would make a wrestler out of that one that's for sure!" he chuckled. I smiled & drank some more coffee. "He said some things to you, hurtful things! I heard him! He didn't mean it Rebecca, I'm sure he didn't! We all say stupid things when we're angry, heat of the moment and everything."  
"Yeah I know." I said quietly.  
"Well after you left he explained a few things to me, things that his old man should've seen months ago!" He smiled, "Seems he was hurt, maybe a case of the green eyed monster? Well I should have seen that one coming the way you two are!"  
"What do you mean?"  
"Exactly what I say!" he smiled.  
"Gilbert, I hope you don't mind me asking but, why didn't you ever find someone, y'know after…"  
"That's a fair question but I don't really have any answers! There was a couple of times when I suppose I could have……but I was working & raising two kids at the same time, that was my excuse anyway!" he raised his eyebrows.  
"Excuse?"  
"Well to be honest the real reason was because I felt like I was betraying her! She was my wife, the mother of my children, I guess I never really did let her go, still haven't!" he sighed, "That's why you see this lonely old man infront of you & that's what I wanted to talk to you about!" he reached across the table & took hold of my hand, "I said some things a while back that I shouldn't have said, & I guess after the conversation I had with Jeff earlier, it's time to put those things right!" He smiled, "I said that you & Jeffery wasn't right & I had no business saying that! He told me some things that I suppose I should have seen in my own son! I won't go into details but what I'm trying to say is don't end up like me…old & alone!" I opened my mouth to say something but he held up his hand, "Now just let me finish what I started while I have a mind to! Whether it's Jeff or someone else……Adam maybe?" I shook my head & smiled, he'd heard more of this argument that I'd first thought! "It doesn't matter, just know that I won't stand in your way if that's what you two decide to do!" he smiled, "It won't be easy, I've seen how much you missed Matt these past few months….listen to me rambling on like an old fool!" I smiled at him, "All I'm really tryin to say is I won't think any less of you if ever you do decide to start again! I'm pretty damn sure Matthew wouldn't either!" he patted my hand & I couldn't hold back my tears any longer! I stood up & walked around the table.  
"Thankyou!" I hugged him, "But whatever happens I want you to know I'll always love Matt!"  
"Hey now come on! We'll have none of that!" he smiled. "Now go on! Get some sleep before the little one wakes up!"  
I smiled & kissed his cheek before heading out of the kitchen. I needed a shower, I felt like shit & my jeans were covered in mud from the cemetery. As I stood under the hot water my mind wandered back there, to my confrontation with Steve. I didn't think I should tell anyone that I'd seen him, I knew Jeff would flip out if he knew he'd been there at Matt's grave! Besides what good would it do anyone? I was pretty sure Steve had gotten the message & was smart enough to have gotten the hell out of Cameron! I doubted very much that we'd see him again so I decided not to mention it to anyone. If Gilbert had seen him there he hadn't let on to me about it, he had probably arrived after Steve had already gone.  
As for Jeff, well I had no clue what to do about the situation! I was still hurt, although I found my anger at him melting, washing away like the soapsuds from my body. I could never stay mad at him for very long, but his anger had worried me, it was a side of him that I didn't see very often & I didn't like it! He could have said anything to me, called me worse than shit & it would have hurt me less than bringing Matt into it! He knew how to hurt me, that was the real problem! He knew me too well!  
I got dried & threw on my Pj's before going to check on Jude. When I walked into my room Jeff was sitting on the edge of my bed with his head in his hands & he looked up as I walked in.  
"Can we talk?"  
I looked into the crib to see Jude sound asleep, "Yeah I guess we should." I sighed & looked back at the baby.  
"Not here then." Jeff stood up & left. I supposed he wanted me to follow him so I gave Jude a quick kiss on the forehead & closed the door quietly behind me as I followed Jeff into his room. We just stood there in silence. Both of us had so much to say yet neither one of us knew how to say it. Jeff wandered over to the window & stared out into the night.  
"I guess I should appologise." He said quietly.  
"Only if you mean it!"  
He sighed, "I didn't mean what I said before! It was uncalled for & I shouldn't have said it."  
"You got that right! I just don't understand where it came from Jeff? I mean is that what you are really thinking?"  
He looked up at the celing, "I don't know." He sighed. "Why……..why with Adam? I don't get it!"  
"What is there to get? It happened, I don't know why, I guess there is no reason other than I'm human!" I paused, "I don't regret it Jeff."  
He nodded slowly, "Are you seeing him again?"  
"And what if the answer to that question isn't the one you want to hear, what then? Are you going to throw Matt in my face again?"  
"No." he looked down at the floor.   
Neither of us had raised our voices, we weren't exactly arguing but there was some things that needed to be said if we were going to clear the air & I was in no mood to run up his ass to keep the peace after the day I had just had! 


	63. Chapter 63

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
Authors note! - I did this chapter & re did it & re did it again! It took me 4 attempts & a whole garbage can full of paper to finally come up with this version! I went from Jeff the Bastard, Jeff the sweetheart, even to Jeff the kidnapper….(yeah I know!!!) You name it I tried it & this is what I eventually came up with so bare with it I tried my best!  
Chapter 63  
  
Jeff sat on the edge of his bed & put his head in his hands, "What happened to us Bec? We used to be so close!"  
"I don't know." I sighed, "I think maybe we just grew up!" I sat down beside him, "Life happened, only it was passing me by while you were out there living it! You don't like that I don't depend on you for everything anymore do you?" Jeff shook his head & I smiled, "Y'know most of my life I've depended on men! I depended on Mick for everything back in London! He was working, he put me through university, paid the rent, put food on the table & then I came here! I think that's what kinda flipped him out, he didn't have that control over me anymore!"  
"What about Matt?"  
I laughed, "My life was on hold every time he went away! I lived for the days he would come home, the stuff in between didn't matter anymore!" Jeff nodded his head.  
"And you ran up his ass every time he clicked his fingers!"   
I laughed, "Yeah I know I did! I'm kinda glad I did though now, I mean we didn't have that much time!"  
"Yeah," he patted my leg, "I know!" he smiled, "I used to hate the way he treated you sometimes! I felt like shaking him! He never knew what he had with you!"  
"Yeah he did!" I smiled, "I would've done anything for him & he knew that! He knew I loved him, God knows I told him often enough! He didn't treat me bad Jeff, if I had to do it again…."  
"Yeah, yeah you'd still run up his ass!" he nudged me & smiled.  
"Yep! I definitely would!" I laughed, "And then there was you!"  
"Me?"  
"Yeah! Even when Matt was alive I came to you with all my problems! Then when he died……..well I thought if you weren't there I would never get through it! I was right in a way, I would've cracked, but I realize now that I would have survived Jeff! With or without you!" I paused & looked at him, "But you always managed to do the right things or say the right words, "I smiled, "And you just did everything for me & I sat back & let you & that was wrong!"  
"I did it because I wanted to!"  
"Oh I know, and don't get me wrong I love you for it! Like I said, I would've been a mess without you I know I would, but that's because I didn't try to do it on my own! I would have lived, I would have been ok in the end!" He nodded, "That's why I did what I did with Adam! It was on my terms Jeff & I'd never had that feeling before…..it was…..oh I dunno I just felt alive! To wake up the next morning & just walk out of there, say goodbye & leave with no strings, no guilty feelings…………I didn't think I could do that!"  
"And what about Adam? How did he take it?"  
I lowered my head, "Like a man!" I said in a deep voice & we laughed & Jeff rolled his eyes. "He was a little disappointed I guess but he understood, there was no hard feelings between us! Hell he even took me for coffee before I came home!"  
"What a gentleman!" Jeff smirked.  
"Oh he was no gentleman believe me!" I winked.  
"Too much information! Spare me the details!" Jeff put his hands to his ears & we laughed. "So I don't need to kick his ass when I go to work tomorrow then?"  
"Nope! If I think he needs his ass kicking I'll do it myself!" we laughed & he took hold of my hand.  
"So my little girl is all grown up then huh?" He smirked & I playfully punched his arm.  
"I'm not saying that I don't need you anymore because I do & I always will, I just…..I need to live a little! There's this new thing I've found…."  
"Oh yeah? If it came in a discreet brown package then I'm happy for you!"  
"Jeff!" I laughed, "No actually apparently I'm the last woman on earth to find out about this strange thing called 'girl power! I read about it in a woman's magazine!" I winked & he smiled. "So from now on I'm gonna be a bitch so watch your back!" I pulled a face at him.  
"Oh remind me to buy you some Jackie Collins for Christmas!" Jeff laughed, "But can I just be serious for a moment?"  
"Sure Lance! What's your beef?" I laughed & he rolled his eyes.  
"Well this new 'bitch' thing? Erm…..well if it involves you screwing the rest of the male WWE roster then can you PLEASE take a change of clothes with you so I don't know who you've used & abused…"  
"JEFF!" My jaw dropped.  
"…..the night before by looking at who's shirt you're wearing when you get home!" I pushed him back on the bed & hit him. "Oh and the day you wander in here with a green & black mask hanging out of your back pocket is the day you are out of here!"  
"Don't even go there! You shit!" I laughed, "As if! Although I do kinda have this embarrassing obsession with blonde Canadians though!"  
"Oh you do huh? Well I'd better give Betty a call & tell her to watch her back!"  
"Oh no I was thinking more along the lines of……….Andrew!"  
"You wouldn't!" I wiggled my eyebrows! "That's gross!"  
"Why? What's wrong with Andrew?" I laughed.  
"Nothing but I think Jay would suit you better!"  
"Now that IS gross! He has absolutely no ass!"  
Jeff laughed, "I can't say that I've ever noticed!"  
"Well you will now!"  
"Yeah I can just see his face if he turns around & catches me checking out his ass! There's enough rumors going around about me already!" he laughed & shook his head.  
"Ok what about Sean?"  
"Sean Morley? Man you need therapy!"  
"Oh that thing he used to do with the towel! Mmmmm!"  
"God save us! You mean women actually go for that whole 'Val Venis' gimmick?"  
I bit on my lip, "Well no actually! It used to crack me up he looked so ridiculous!" I laughed.  
"Hmm well there's always Trish!"  
"In your fucking dreams you pervert!" I pinched his side.  
"Too right it's in my dreams OW!" he rubbed when I'd pinched him! "Man if only I was Canadian!"  
"And blonde you pratt!"  
"Hey blonde I can do! You want blonde that can be arranged! It's the Canadian part I'll have the trouble with!"  
"It's a wonder you have any hair the amount of shit you put on it!" I pulled his hair & he laughed. "Well I guess I should go to bed! You need to get some sleep too! Big day tomorrow!"  
He sighed, "Yeah I guess! I'm glad that we're ok Bec!" he squeezed my hand.  
"We'll always be ok, it was just a little hiccup!" I smiled. He put his arms around me & held me tightly for a few minutes. I closed my eyes & leaned my head on his shoulder, just enjoying being in his arms again. I kissed his cheek then smiled & stood up, he stood up with me. "Night then!" I walked away but he kept hold of my hand & pulled me back. We stood face to face & he put his hand on my cheek.  
"I'm sorry, about what I said, I never meant to hurt you!" he whispered & kissed my forehead. We looked at each other for a second & he leaned in to kiss my lips but at the last moment I turned my head so his kiss landed on my cheek. He put his forehead there & sighed.  
"You're not Canadian!" I whispered & smiled.  
"Maybe I should emigrate!" he said & let out a laugh.  
"Night Jeff!" I kissed his cheek then went to my own room. 


	64. Chapter 64

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 64  
  
Next morning when I opened my eyes it was 11am! Jude wasn't in his crib so I figured Jeff had taken him out somewhere. When I'd had a wash & got dressed I went downstairs to find, to my surprise, that it was Gilbert playing with Jude, not Jeff! He was waving a rattle in his face & 'Coochy - Cooing' at him & I had to laugh.  
"Hey there cheeky boy!" I kissed the top of Jude's head, "Are you playing with gramps?"  
"Yeah he's got old Gramps feeling his age I can tell you!"  
"Aw you should have woken me! I can't believe I slept so late!"  
"He was ok with the old man! I thought you could do with the rest, believe me if there had been any sign of a dirty diaper I'd have woken you in a flash!" he winked, "But uncle Jeff changed him & fed him before he went to work! Didn't he little fella?" he tickled Jude.  
"Jeff's gone already?"  
"Yeah! He left your passes & tickets in the drawer over there, he managed to get 5 is that ok?"  
"Um yeah, I guess Betty can get hers from Chris! What time do we need to be there?"  
"You & your friends can go anytime you're ready!"  
"You're not coming?"  
"Well someone has to stay here & look after the baby!"  
"Oh I can't ask you to do that! I was just gonna take him with me!"  
"Don't you worry about us, we've got company coming over tonight to help us out!" he smiled.  
"Oh yeah? Let me guess….hmmm can she cook by any chance?"  
"Like an angel!" he winked.  
"Oh well it aint Mary then!"  
"Hey don't let her catch you talking like that!" Gilbert laughed.  
"Don't worry I won't! You want a coffee?"  
"Yeah please!" he smiled, "You seem to be in better spirits today, so was Jeff! I take it you two made up?"  
"Yeah we did!" I smiled.  
"Made up as in….."  
"No!" I laughed, "We're just friends again that's all!"  
"Ah well I'm glad to hear it! The way you two were screaming at each other I thought…….well it doesn't matter what I thought!"  
"Well it's all cool so no need to worry!"  
"I wasn't worried!" he smiled, "You two will figure it out yourselves in your own time!"  
I wrinkled my brow, "Figure what out?"  
"You have this strange affect on each other…..this really weird thing!"  
"Oh & what's that?" I laughed.  
"You make each other as miserable as sin one day & the next you make each other happy again!"  
"It's called friendship!"  
"It's called marriage!"  
"Are you feeling ok Gilbert? Too much of the old moonshine last night or something?" I laughed.  
"Ah you mock me now but just you wait! Everything will fall into place from now on in, I have a good feeling about it!" he picked up the newspaper & started to read. I just stood there, completely confused & convinced he'd been sniffing on newsprint or something! Still, He did have a smile on his face for hours & I put that down to Mary! Maybe he took the advice he'd been so keen to give me, it was nice to see him happy that was for sure! It had been a long time coming, for all of us!  
Betty arrived with Andrew at around 2pm, closely followed by Sasha with her eldest, Josh. The boys were so hyped up, giggling & running around & it was chaos!  
"I think we should go before Gilbert has a heart attack!" Sasha whispered to me after half an hour of mayhem, one spilled juice on the living room carpet & a grazed knee when Andrew tripped up the porch steps!  
"Sure!" I smiled, "I'll just go & get the tickets!"  
I went into the living room & pulled open the drawer of the dresser. The tickets & passes were there, along with an envelope which just said 'Bec' on the front! I frowned & opened it up. Inside was a piece of paper folded in half with the word 'Sorry' written on one side. It was Jeff's handwriting but I had no clue what it was or why he'd left it! I opened it up, the header on the top of the page read "CHRISTINA ROSSETTI 1930 - 94" & upon further inspection I saw that it was a page that had been torn from a book.  
  
"REMEMBER  
Remember me when I am gone away  
Gone far away into the silent land  
When you can no more hold me by the hand  
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay  
Remember me when no more day by day  
You tell me of our future that you planned  
Only remember me; you understand  
It will be too late to councel then or pray  
Yet if you should forget me for a while  
And afterwards remember do not grieve  
For if the darkness & corruption leave  
A vestige of the thoughts that I once had  
Better by far you should forget & smile  
Than that you should remember & be sad."  
Tears welled up in my eyes & as I blinked they rolled down my cheeks.  
"Hey are those tickets…oh hey hun! What's wrong?" Sasha put her arm around me when she saw I was upset & I sniffed.  
"Oh nothing, it's a long story!" I wiped my face, "Just something that Jeff left for me!"  
"Are you ok?"  
"Yeah! Come on let's get out of here!" I smiled & folded the piece of paper back up & put it into my pocket.  
***   
Things were buzzing when we got to the arena a little after 3pm that afternoon. Wrestlemania was just a few hours away & everyone was pumped up & ready to go! We walked down to the ring first & sat & watched Kurt going through his paces with a sparring partner, when he was done he came over to say hi & signed the boy's programs that Shannon had managed to steal from somewhere!! I liked Kurt, he was one of the world's nice guys! Friendly & genuine, yep Karen Angle was definitely one lucky woman!  
While we were talking to Kurt, Chris came up behind Betty & hoisted her into the air and she screamed!  
"Chris you idiot!" She playfully swiped his chest when he put her down & then kissed his lips passionately.  
"Ahem!" Sasha cleared her throat then gestured her head towards the two kids when Betty looked up.   
"Oh erm Chris I'd like you to meet Andrew & Josh!" The two boys shook Chris' hand nervously & got into a conversation with him about who their favourite wresters were!  
"So, what happened with you the other night?" Sasha linked my arm & led me to a seat.  
"Oh well y'know!" I smiled.  
"Adam?" She raised her eyebrows.  
"It was nothing! Just a one off!" I shuffled in my seat slightly embarrassed that I was even admitting it to her!  
"Oh so you had fun though?" she grinned.  
"Don't! I saw him yesterday & didn't have time to get embarrassed! I'm dreading bumping into him to….."  
"EDGE!!!" the boys shouted & I cringed! I literally tried to sink into the seat, I felt so awful, even more so now that Sasha knew & now I had to go through this with her eyes on me!  
"Oh well, no time like the present!" Sasha stood up, "Adam! Hi! We met the other night!"  
"Sasha right?" he smiled nervously & she nodded. "Hi Bec!"  
I looked up & forced a smile, "Hi Adam." I quickly looked away again, I was going to kill Sasha for this & she knew it! She could barely keep the smile from her lips!!  
"Adam come & sign this for these 2 future WWE stars!" Chris called over.  
"Ah erm ok!" he shuffled his feet & put his hands in his pockets. "I'll um see you later then."  
"Yeah." I smiled & my cheeks flushed as he walked away.  
"Oh my GOD that was priceless!" Sasha giggled & I put a hand to my forehead.  
"You total bitch!" I nudged her & she still laughed. "It's not funny! Man I am so ashamed of myself!"  
Sasha looked over to where Adam was standing with his back to us, "Hm…..he's got such a nice ass though!" She laughed, "Come on give me all the details!"  
"I couldn't even begin!!"  
"Wow it must have been good!" She laughed, "Ok then scale of 1 to 10?"  
"Sasha!"  
"Aw come on! I need some excitement in my life!"  
"Ok! Ok! Erm…..9 and a half!"  
Sasha's jaw dropped & she looked back at Adam! "9 and a half & you're not seeing him again? Man you need your bloody head read!"  
"Whatever!"  
"Jesus girl LOOK at the guy!" Sasha shook her head.  
"Yeah and?"  
"For God's sake what do you mean and?! He's hot!"  
"Yeah well….maybe."  
Sasha shook her head again, "Man I don't know what is wrong with you I seriously don't! You scare me!"  
"What?" I played innocent.  
"Oh forget it! If you can't see THAT.." she gestured towards Adam & I quickly pulled her arm back down.  
"He'll see you you idiot!" I hissed at her.  
"Get over it!" She rolled her eyes.  
Was she right? Well even as I looked at Adam I didn't think so! Sure he was a great looking guy and from what I knew of him he was nice too! But he wasn't for me! Why? That was something I couldn't explain, it was just the way I felt, maybe I did indeed need my head read!? I smiled to myself as I recalled some of that night we spent together. God knows how I was ever going to look him in the eye without picturing him naked on the balcony!  
"What are you smirking about?" Sasha nudged me out of my day dream.  
"Um nothing really! Listen there's someone I need to see! I won't be long!"  
"Ok hun! See you later!"  
I wandered off in the direction of the locker rooms. 


	65. Chapter 65

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 65  
  
Just as I put my hand on the handle of the men's locker room Shane O popped his head out of a door opposite.   
"Bec! Just the person I was looking for! Have you got a minute?"  
He looked serious & it worried me! "Um sure ok!"  
He stepped aside and ushered me into his 'office' where he gestured for me to sit down in a chair infront of a computer screen.  
"I just wanted to show you something that was brought to my attention!" He clicked the mouse & brought up a black screen. "I think you might know something about it!"  
A video started to play of Matt & I smiled & put my hand to my temple. It was a montage of stuff that I'd put together ages ago, I was just messing around with Jeff's computer & I had managed to teach myself quite a lot!  
"So?" Shane sat on the corner of the desk.  
'So what are you going to sue me for breech of copywrite or something?" I laughed & Shane shook his head & smiled.  
"So you're admitting it was your handy work then? I mean this disc just appeared on my desk…"  
"I never gave you the disc!"  
"I thought not, but someone did & I noticed the little thing in the corner…." He paused the video & tapped the screen. In the bottom left hand corner I'd written 'Bec' in the tiniest font I could find! "I knew it was you when I saw that!"  
"Yeah it is mine but I was just pissing around!"  
"I want to use it!"  
"What?"  
"I showed it to Vince & although he said it was a bit rough around the edges, I wanted to get your permission to have one of our tech guys touch it up & air it tonight!"  
I puffed out my cheeks, "Jesus I don't know Shane!" I gulped.  
"Well tonight would be perfect, we're in Matt's home state and we do have a couple of other tributes to air so…." He raised his eyebrows & I sat in stunned silence! He just looked at me, letting me take in the situation until finally I spoke.  
"I dunno Shane really it's not that good! I mean I haven't had any training, I was bored & just messing around! No one was ever meant to see it! It was just for me!"  
"I appreciate that & if you say no then……well I'll be disappointed but it's your call! Our tech guys will polish it up nice, maybe add some music…..aw come on Bec!"  
I bit on my thumbnail, "Jeff gave you this didn't he?"  
"Hey I already said it was just on my desk! I know nothing!" he smiled.  
"There's some stuff on there though, stuff that was shot while we were on the road……"  
"Well to be honest that's what I like about it most! Especially…." He scrolled back, "….this part!" He played a bit of Matt that I'd filmed when he was messing about doing his whole 'Mattitude' speech with Jeff in the background pulling stupid faces……then Adam & Jay mouthing "Blah! Blah! Blah!" all the time Matt was talking & he never even knew they were there until they 'jumped' him! I had to laugh. "See this shows his human side, what he was like outside of the ring, having fun with his friends! I love it Bec! Please say we can use it?"  
I looked up at Shane & bit on my lip. Was I ready to have my stupid ass video broadcast to the world on the biggest PPV in the WWE calendar? I gulped & slowly nodded my head.  
"Ok but…..well these tech guys better shine it up real nice!" I said, mocking Dwayne, "AND let me call Gilbert first, only if he agrees then you can air it ok? Some of those clips on there are his, I don't want to upset him!"  
"You are a star!" Shane jumped up from the desk & hugged me, "You won't regret it, trust me!" He laughed. "Do you want me to run it by you before we show it?"  
"No I'm sure it'll be fine!" I stood up, "I guess I'll go & see Jeff then, I want to make sure he's happy with this too!"  
"No worries! Hey if either Jeff or Gilbert has any problems with it come & find me ok?"  
We hugged again & I left. I walked across the hall & knocked on the door to the locker room.  
"Come in!"  
I peered around the door, "It's only me!"  
"Hello you!" he smiled, "Everything ok?"  
I took a brush from his hand & started to dab paint on his arm, "Well yes & no!" I sighed, "How much more of this do you want on?"  
"Some here, round the back!" he turned around so I could paint on his shoulder, "So what's the yes & no?"  
"Well…….did you leave one of my discs on Shane's desk?"  
"What discs? This colour!" he handed me a tub of blue body paint.  
"One of my computer discs. With some video stuff on of Matt?"  
"No, why?"  
"Jeff come on man you must have done it!"  
"I don't have a clue what you are talking about, seriously!" he laughed.  
"Well someone did! Turn around!" He did & I continued to paint his shoulder & the top of his arm. "Shane somehow got hold of one of my discs & now he wants to use it as some sort of tribute to Matt on tonight's show!"  
"Hey that's awesome!"  
"You wouldn't mind? I mean I'm not sure about it myself!" I sighed, "There how's that?"  
He studied himself in the full length mirror, "That's pretty good! Maybe I should hire you!" he turned to the side & had another look, smiling, "I like it!" he kissed me cheek, "Thanks!"  
"So you really don't mind?"  
"What? Oh God no! I think it'll be great, especially here in NC!"  
"Will you call your Dad & run it by him? I want him to be prepared!"  
"Sure! I'll do it now, but I'm pretty sure he'll go for it!" he rummaged in his jacket pocket & pulled out his cell, "Oh just out of curiosity, where did you leave that disc?"  
"Um in the computer why?"  
He smiled, "Oh no reason!"  
"You did do it didn't you?"  
"Nope! I swear to you I didn't have anything to do with it!"  
"But?"  
"But nothing!" He grinned.  
"You know who did it don't you?"  
"I have an idea but before you start my lips are sealed!" he winked.  
"It's a conspiracy!" I laughed.  
Jeff called his Dad while I went into the bathroom to freshen up a little. I still wasn't sure that using my video was such a great idea but I figured if Gilbert was ok with it then I shouldn't worry too much!  
I was looking in the mirror, putting on some lipstick & humming to myself when I realized what song was actually stuck in my mind! It was The Calling! I usually couldn't even hear the opening bars of that song without bursting into tears & here I was singing it without even thinking! I looked away from the mirror & stopped humming. I leaned my backside on the rim of the basin & sighed. Was I really ready to see this 'tribute' up there on that huge screen infront of the entire world? I threw my lipstick into my purse & sniffed………my whole body tensed up & I gripped the basin so hard my knuckles turned white! Tommy! He was here!   
"Go away! Go away! Go away!" I squeezed my eyes shut & held my breath. "Get a grip girl!" I whispered to myself & took a deep breath……it had gone! All I could smell was Jeff's shower gel, nothing else! I was imagining it! I inhaled again just to be sure….nothing! Thank God! I looked back into the mirror, "You are NOT flipping out tonight my girl!" I said to my reflection & then went out into the locker room.  
"Dad thinks it's a great idea & he's especially pleased that it came from you and not someone who never even met Matt!" Jeff smiled when I walked in, "He's looking forward to seeing it!"  
"Oh……good….I think!" I sat down on one of the benches.  
"Got any gum?"  
"Yeah sure." I put my hand into my pocket & felt a piece of paper………….the poem! I'd forgotten about it! I put some gum into Jeff's outstretched hand but held onto it as he made to walk away. "Jeff?" He looked down at me, "The poem! I'm sorry what with Shane & this video stuff…………anyway that's why I was coming to see you, to say thankyou!" I smiled & he pulled me to my feet.  
"It's ok! I was reading one of my books last night & well that one kinda jumped out at me! I thought you might like it!"  
"I love it! It's perfect!" I kissed his cheek, "Thankyou! It was a real nice thing to do!"  
"Anytime!" He folded his arms around me.  
"Hey your paint!" I laughed.  
"Oh shit! Sorry!" He pulled back & when I looked at my top I was covered in blue & green smudges.  
"Ah it doesn't matter about me look at you! Turn around & I'll give it a quick touch up!" I pushed him over to the mirror & grabbed the brush. "Seriously Jeff I appreciate the poem!" I said as I touched up the paint on his shoulder.  
"I just read it & thought of you……and Matt!" He turned around, "Here!" He pointed to a spot on the top of his shoulder near his neck & I dabbed the brush on it. I kept going up the side of his neck to just below his ear & he closed his eyes & took a deep breath. Slowly I traced the brush back down his neck & along his shoulder & he shivered slightly. I knew exactly what I was doing, but I didn't know why I was doing it!  
"Oh sorry did I tickle?" I smiled.  
Jeff cleared his throat, "Um no, no…" He coughed again, "It's fine!" he smiled.  
"Well….." we looked into each other's eyes from a moment. "Zwan's" 'Honestly' played through the crappy in-wall PA system,  
  
*There's no place that I could be without you, honestly. *  
  
"That's you finished!" I smiled. Jeff just stared into my eyes. He had the kind of eyes you could get lost in! A bit like Matt's only not quite as mesmerizing! I held his gaze for a few seconds until Billy Corgan had sang the last words of his song & Uncle Kracker took his place! "you ok?"  
"He swallowed hard, "Yeah," he said quietly then finally looked away.  
"Right." I bit on my lip not quite sure of what had just happened!  
"Bec?"  
"Yeah?"  
Jeff smiled, "This song sucks ass!"  
I smiled & shook my head, "Yeah it does, you're right! I guess I'll erm go then & let you get ready!" I went for the door.  
"Copeland's kicking around!"  
I stopped & turned around, "Yeah, I've ah seen him already!" I gave him a puzzled look!  
"Oh right."  
"It's cool Jeff I already told you!"  
"Yeah I know! I just thought I'd mention it, y'know?"  
I wrinkled my brow, "Um ok then! I'll see you soon!" I left. 


	66. Chapter 66

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 66  
  
"There you are!" Sasha grabbed my arm, "I've been looking all over for you! Are you ok? You look a little strange!"  
"Um…yeah I ah I just had a bit of a weird moment with Jeff back in there!"  
"I thought every moment you had with Jeff was weird!"  
"Ever thought of going on Dhama & Greg?" I raised my eyebrows.  
"Huh?"  
"Well she thinks she's funny too!" I pulled a face at her & she rolled her eyes.  
"Ok, sorry!" she laughed & linked my arm as we made our way along the corridor, "So, not long until show time!" She said in a squeaky voice.  
"Sasha you are worse than the kids!" I giggled.  
"Not quite! I think Josh is going to pee his pants if he bumps into one more wrestler & the show aint even started yet!" She squeezed my arm tightly, "Believe it or not they are getting the grand back stage tour from Maven as we speak!"  
"Maven's a great guy!"  
"Yeah well he doesn't know what he's letting himself in for with those two together I can tell you!"  
"Hey if anyone can handle those two it's Maven! He used to be a teacher y'know?"  
"He did?" I nodded, "That Al guy told me Maven used to be a male stripper!" She looked at me confused & I burst out laughing. "What?"  
"Al is a complete idiot! Don't believe a word he tells you! Man he told me this story once about Matt, he reckoned Matt was stark….."  
"Hey girls how's it goin?" We had rounded a corner & walked smack bang into Adam!  
"Hi Adam!" Sasha said casually!  
"Um…hey!" I looked at my feet.  
"Listen I don't mean to be rude Sasha but can I have a quick word with Bec….." he turned to me, "Is that ok?"  
"Oh well I was just um…"  
"No problem! I'm gonna go & rescue Maven from those strippers…..oh erm I mean kids! Kids!" She walked away laughing to herself.  
"Strippers? Maven is hanging with strippers?!" Adam wrinkled his brow at me.  
"No!" I smirked, "One of Al's little jokes! It's a long story!"  
"Oh right!" he bit on his lip, "I thought maybe we could talk?"  
"There isn't much to talk about Adam!" I said quietly.  
"No….well…I mean you & me, we're ok right?"  
"Yeah, sure!"  
"Right!" he nodded his head, "Just I get this atmosphere thing goin on…I just wanted to be sure!"  
I smiled, "I was just a little embarrassed I guess! I didn't mean to make things awkward! That's not what I want!"  
"Ah right….." he shuffled his feet, "so we're ok then?"  
"Yeah!"  
"Well to be honest.." he leaned in close to me, "I can't really remember all that much!" he whispered in my ear.  
I laughed, "Me either!"  
"Look at us! Couple of fucking school kids behind the bike shed!" he laughed, "Ok we're consenting adults I figure we can handle this a little better!"  
"Yeah I'm sure we can!" I smiled.  
"Ok cool, as long as we're friends again?"  
I put my arms around his waist & hugged him, "Yeah we are!"  
"Great cause I wanted to book a rematch!"  
"ADAM!" I swiped his chest & he laughed.  
"Come here then!" He hugged me tightly then kissed my cheek. "I'll see you around later maybe?" he started to walk away.  
"Yeah maybe! Oh and Adam?" He stopped, "Thanks y'know, for being so cool about everything!" He winked and walked away.  
"Touching!" a voice whispered in my ear.  
I spun around quickly but the only person in the hall apart from me was one of the wardrobe girls.  
"Excuse me?"  
She looked up, "Sorry?"  
"You said something?"  
"Um no, not me!" She looked behind her to make sure I was talking to her! I knew deep down that it hadn't been her, it wasn't a female voice I heard.  
"Oh, I…….I'm sorry I thought you…" I turned around but there was no one there, "It doesn't matter, sorry!" I hurried off to find Sasha.  
"BEC!" I spun around again to see Shane O walking quickly towards me. "We're ok then?"  
"What?"  
"The video?"  
"Oh yeah! Sorry Shane I was miles away there!" I forced a smile, "Yeah it's all ok with Jeff & Gilbert so…"  
"Great listen we're gonna air it at the start of the show, before any matches or anything so," he looked at his watch, "Get together with whoever you came with & you can all stand at the side………..10 minutes ok?" he looked totally flustered!  
"Yeah….oh & Shane? I don't want the cameras on us at ANY time ok?"  
"Sure! That's not a problem!" he kissed my cheek, "See you soon! Fingers crossed nobody trips over or falls off the top rope!"  
"Yeah!" I smiled as he walked away.  
I eventually found Sasha & told her to go & get Betty & meet me at the side of the stage while I found Jeff! I didn't have far to look, he was making his way along the corridor looking for me!  
"Hey are you good to go? I just saw Shane O!"  
"Yeah I was gonna come & get you!"  
"Well Shannon & Shane H are meeting us there, come on!" he held out his hand & I took it. "You ok?"  
"No, you?"  
"Not really!" He smiled as we walked to join the others. When we got there Sasha & Betty gave me a quick hug, I was already tearing up when I saw them all stand aside to let me & Jeff through to the front! There was a lot more of the guys there than just Shannon & Shane! As it started Jeff put his arm around my waist & squeezed me. The video was beautiful, they'd even added his 'Live For The Moment' theme tune! The crowd was in total silence the whole time, it was just perfect! A few of the guys teared up, Shannon for one, which I expected but some that I didn't think it would bother all that much & that surprised me! Halfway through I looked up at Jeff & wiped a tear from his cheek, he put his head on top of mine & we cried until it was over.  
I was snapped back to reality by all the pyrotechnics & the sound of Jim Ross' voice, "LADIES & GENTLEMEN WELCOME TO WRESTLEMANIA!"  
The guys started to walk away, all patting us on the back as they went off to prepare for their matches.  
"I guess I need to get this redone then!" Jeff smiled & held out his arm.  
"Before you do…." I put my arms around his neck & we held each other tightly. I sniffed, "Well go on then, your match is soon!" I smiled.  
"Yeah." He kissed my cheek, "See you later! Have a good time! Oh and Bec….it was awesome! You should be proud!" he smiled.  
"Thanks Jeff…oh and Jeff? Be careful out there….please?"  
"Yeah yeah!" he shook his head as he laughed & ran back to his locker room.  
"Aw you two look so great together!" Betty smiled & I shot a glance at Sasha!  
"Hey!" She held up her hands, "I said nothing!" She laughed.  
"She's stating the obvious!" Chris said over Betty's shoulder.  
"Oh who rattled your cage?" I snapped, "Just get out there & get your ass kicked!"  
"Hey!" he smiled, "I'm the one who's kickin ass tonight!" he kissed Betty then came & gave me a hug. "I must warn you though.." he held me at arms length, "Old Hardy aint gonna be up to much tonight." He took a step backwards still holding onto my arms, "So you ah better have Copeland on standby just incase!" I pursed my lips at him & tried to look pissed but I couldn't keep it up for long & burst out laughing!  
"Shit head!" I went to slap him & he jumped out of the way!  
"King of the shit heads!" He said, holding his arms out to the side & spinning around! We all laughed.  
"What do you see in him?" I shook my head at Betty.  
"How long have you got?" She said, dreamy eyed!  
"Oh God not that long! Forget I asked!" I laughed.  
"Maven's music boomed out of the Titan Tron signaling he'd won his match against Chris Nowinski.  
"Oh look, here comes Sasha's stripper!" I giggled & she nudged me! "Hey Maven, congrats!" I shook his sweaty hand & smiled.  
"Thanks!" he said breathlessly! "Piece of cake after looking after those kids today!" he winked & walked away! Sasha's eyes followed him along the corridor.  
"Down girl!" I whispered & she rolled her eyes.  
"Right girls I have to go to work!" Chris kissed Betty then gave me & Sasha a hug.  
"Oh Chris?" he turned around, "Be gentle with him!" I winked & he smiled as he grabbed a mic & headed to the curtain just in time for his famous countdown to begin.  
I bit on my lip & watched him go out into the arena. I had a bad feeling about tonight, I couldn't say why exactly but all the same I felt I would be glad when it was over & done with!  
"Earth to Bec!" Betty tugged at my arm & I jumped, "Are you coming or…"  
"Erm….actually would you guys mind if I watched from back here? I want to see Jeff before he goes out!"  
"No probs!" Betty smiled & led the two boys away to find their seats.  
"Are you ok hun?" Sasha gave me a concerned look.  
"Yeah I'm fine! Go on, go enjoy the show!" I forced a smile & reluctantly she walked away. 


	67. Chapter 67

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 67  
  
I turned around to see Jeff running back towards me. "I thought you'd be out there by now!" he smiled.  
"TWO MINUTES JEFF!" A guy shouted from beside the curtain. All the while in the background we could hear Chris' voice & the crowd booing while he punked out Jeff in one of his famous Y2J promos!  
"I just wanted to wish you luck!" I smiled.  
"Aw thanks! I'd hug you but ah…" he held out his painted arm & I laughed.  
"That's ok! Just…." I stepped closer to him & quickly but softly kissed his lips, "Be careful out there ok?"  
"LET'S GO JEFF!" the guy shouted & Jeff glanced his way, then back at me & put his fingers to his lips. He was about to say something more when the drums signaled the start of his music. He looked at the curtain then back at me then at the curtain again! "JEFF!" the guy frantically waved him over. He took one last look at me then ran out through the Titan Tron!  
"Aw has he gone? I wanted to wish him luck!" Dwayne put his arm around my shoulders.  
"Yeah you just missed him!" I smiled.  
"So, great tribute to Matt huh?" he smiled, but there was something in that smile, he had more of a twinkle in his eye than usual!  
"Hmm funny how my disc ended up on Shane's desk!"  
"Yeah…funny that! Anyway are you gonna watch from here with me or…."  
"DWAAAYNE!" I raised my eyebrows!   
"What?" He held out his arms & tried to look innocent!   
"What do you know about my disc?"  
"Me? Nothing! I know nothing!"  
"It was you!" I prodded his chest & he looked at his feet biting his lip.  
"Ok, are you mad at me?"  
"I should be! But no I'm not mad! How did you get your hands on it?"  
"Weeeellll…….I was messing around on the computer the other night when I stayed over & I just happened to come across it! When I played it it kinda blew me away but I knew you'd never agree to me showing it to Shane if I asked!" he fluttered his eyelashes at me.  
"You mean you were snooping & you stole it?"  
"No no no! Hey this is me you're talking to here! I just knew Shane would love it & I had to show it to him!"  
I gave him my fake 'I am pissed' look & he hugged me until I had to give in & laugh.  
"Ok I'll forgive you! But only because you are wearing those pants!" I made him turn around while I looked him up & down, "Hot damn they look good on you!"  
"Ah right! Revenge! Well ok I am officially embarrassed so you can quit it!" he laughed,"come on we're missing the match!" he started to walk towards a nearby monitor & I smacked his ass! "WILL YOU STOP IT!" he pointed his finger at me!  
"Ah quit whining bitch!" I winked & he put his hands on his hips, shook his head & laughed! I loved the way me & Dwayne were, it always cheered me up having him around! We flirted like crazy but it was all in fun & we both knew there were boundries that weren't to be crossed! As much as we could have THE BEST time together, he'd helped me through some pretty rough shit this past year or so & I'd always be greatful to him for that! Another all-round good guy with a wife! Typical! A wife I'd never even seen come to think of it, a wife that Matt was in love with once, it made me curious!  
All thoughts of dread had left me as we walked to the monitor & started to watch the match! The crowd was fired up, that was a good thing & I actually started to chill out & enjoy it, until Jeff tried to 'run the rail' and slipped! I turned my face into Dwayne's chest & when I looked again Jeff was getting up! Just the way I liked to watch! Dwayne gave me a little squeeze as I heaved a sigh of relief! God Jeff scared me during his matches sometimes. He seemed to have the ability to do just about anything without fear or hesitation. I wished I was like that, I was so concerned with consequences that sometimes I seemed to stop living altogether! I was turning into my mother at an alarming rate & it was something I swore I'd never do, no way, no how! I think that's probably why I Slept with Adam, just to prove I could do it! Prove to myself that I could be as reckless & spontaneous as the best of them before I turned into a total vegetable!  
Eventually Jeff got the pin & the ref, along with the crowd counted '1, 2, 3!" "YES!" I shouted & hugged Dwayne.  
"Didn't you know he was penned to win tonight?"  
"Nah he never tells me! He tortures me with it!"  
The guys came back through the curtains to a round of applause from everyone that was hanging around. Jeff leaned over & put his hands on his legs, trying to catch his breath, sweat dripping from his face!  
"Great match!" I smiled & put my arms around him, forcing him to stand up! He hugged me back, he had that post-match smell that I used to like on Matt & he was soaking wet & shirtless!  
"Thanks!" He said, breathlessly over my shoulder!  
"Hey Jeff! Way to go man!" Chris patted him on the back & he turned and shook his hand.  
"Thanks man! You did good!" he patted Chris on the shoulder then winced & grabbed his leg. "Ah shit!"  
"What is it? What's wrong?" I asked.  
"Ah it's ok! It's just a twinge!"  
"Hey snap!" Chris tugged at my top, referring to the body paint that we were all covered in! "Jeff, dude you gotta lose the makeup! It takes ages to get off in the shower!"  
"Paint Christopher! Paint!"  
"Whatever!" Chris held up his hand, "I'm goin to scrub this shit off! See you guys later!" he laughed & walked away.  
"You ok?" I touched Jeff's arm.  
"Yeah!" He wiggled his leg, "I said, it's just a twinge! Don't worry about it!"  
"I wish you'd stop leaping off things!" I shook my head.  
"Hey if I stopped leaping off things it wouldn't be me now would it? It's what I do - live for the moment & all that!" he put his arm around my shoulders, pulled me close to him & kissed the top of my head.  
"You stink!"  
"Ah……" he sniffed his own arm pit, "Smell the testosterone! Drives the women crazy!" He grinned.  
"Oh yeah?" I looked around us. "Really? What women? Where?" He promptly stuck his arm pit in my face & I screamed & slapped his chest! "Dirty bastard!" He just grinned at me stupidly!  
"Children!" Dwayne wandered over to us, "Great match man!" he shook hands with Jeff.  
"Mmmm, see that's the kinda smell drives the women crazy!"  
"Oh & what smell would that be?" Jeff raised his eyebrows.  
"Leather & expensive cologne!" I snaked my arm around Dwayne's waist & winked.  
"Woah! We're out of here! Don't wait up! Let's go girl!" he started to lead me down the corridor & we laughed.  
"You aint man enough for that one!" Jeff laughed. "Did you see the state of Copeland the morning after?"  
"Yeah, you've got a point there! Chewed him up & spit out the bits!" Dwayne nudged me.  
"Erm ok! Time out! Enough with the Copeland wise cracks thankyou!"  
"Ah see D, she can dish it but…."  
"She can't take it!" Dwayne nodded his head & tutted.  
"You're a couple of dickheads ya know that?" I pretended to be upset with them & they both laughed!  
"I dunno about not taking IT though after seeing Adam!"  
"SHUT UP JEFF!" I swiped his arm.  
"I don't shut up I grow up…" Dwayne joined Jeff's side & they both said, "And when I look at you I throw up!"  
"OOOh origional! You two watch way too many movies! Get some new material next time you want to insult me!" I turned my back & bit on my lip to stop myself smiling!  
"Aww D I'm sorry, I always give in first!" Jeff came up behind me & slid his arms around my waist. "Sorry!" he kissed my cheek.  
"WHIMP!" Dwayne playfully shoved him & set off down the hall. I couldn't help one more wise crack so I 'wolf-whistled' at him.   
"Look at the ass on that!" He turned around, pointed at me & peered over the top of his shades! "Oh…..take the pills….he's getting out again!" I winked! Dwayne shook his head & waved at me dismissively before he walked out of sight. 


	68. Chapter 68

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 68  
  
Jeff & I walked back to the locker room arm in arm & he went for a shower so I ducked out of the nearest exit for a quick cigarette!  
"Mother fuckers!"  
I peered around the corner with the cigarette still unlit in my fingers, "Adam?"  
He turned around "Oh hi! Excuse the language!" he kicked at his car wheel.  
"What's the problem?" I lit my cigarette.  
"Some bastard slashed all four tyres on my damn car!"  
"Oh shit!" I took a drag from my cigarette. "Is it yours or a rental?"  
"Mine! Sons of bitches!" he leaned against the hood, "I knew I should've gotten a damn rental!"  
Touching  
I blinked & shook my head, staring at Adam with the cigarette halfway to my lips. "What did you just say?"  
"I said I knew I should've gotten a rental!"  
"No after that?"  
"I didn't say anything!"  
"Oh…….right! Um it erm looks new!"  
"It is!" He sighed & patted the hood of his shiny blue sports car! "Took me forever to get up the nerve to buy one of these!" He folded his arms across his chest.  
"It's very nice! A bit flash but nice!"  
"Flash? Meaning?"  
"Well a car like that kinda draws attention to its self ya know?"  
He laughed, "It was meant to draw attention to me!"  
"Aw….I'm sure you get attention without the use of a Porsche!"  
"Ferrarri!"  
"Whatever!" I laughed, "A car is a car to me!"  
"Heathen!" he pretended to look shocked! "This baby is years of blood sweat & bruises!" He stroked the hood again, "You should see the state of my bank account right now!" He ran his hand through his long blonde hair.  
"Yeah? Well I hope there's no studs on those jeans or you just fucked up the very expensive paint work!"  
"Shit!" he jumped up & quickly felt his ass for studs on his pants, "Pheewwwee! No studs!" he wiped the hood with his sleeve, "Well, no studs ON the pants, but ah IN the pants is a whole other story!" he raised his eyebrows.  
"Oh wait! Someone's been taking lessons from The Great One!" I took another drag & blew it out slowly. What the hell I was doing flirting with this guy I had no idea, all I knew was it was exciting! That element of impulsiveness & danger that I seemed to crave for all of a sudden!  
"Oh so you disagree?"  
I licked my lips & looked him up & down, "I didn't say that!" I threw down my cigarette & went to stand on it but his foot was already there! Slowly I raised my head & found myself looking directly into his eyes.  
"3rd time's the charm!" He said quietly.  
"Oh? So what happened to the second time?"  
"Come with me now & I'll show you!" he put his arm around my waist.  
"Smoooooth!" I smiled, "But ya know what? I think I'll have to pass!" My heart was racing as he turned me to face him & put his hand on my cheek.  
"You sure about that?" He kissed my lips hard & I drew in a breath when we parted.  
"Yeah I'm sure!" I bit on my lip.  
"Ah well!" he kissed me again & this time his tongue slid into my mouth & I let it happen. "Your loss!" he whispered.  
"Aint that the fucking truth!" I kissed him again & ran my hands over his ass as our tongues entwined. Then I walked away! I couldn't believe what I was doing! Sasha was right, he was hot as hell & I just walked away from another night of wild sex! I most defiantly needed my head read! I went back into the building, closed the door & leaned back against it!  
"Fuck!" I whispered as I stared up at the light above my head.  
"AT LAST!"  
I jumped, "JESUS Fuck Shane!" I clutched at my chest & he laughed.  
"Sorry! Christ you look guilty! What have you been up to?" he wiggled his eyebrows.  
"Me? Um nothing!" I smiled nervously.  
"Ok ok I'm just raggin ya!" he playfully punched my arm. "What are you doing tomorrow night before Raw, say around sixish?"  
I wrinkled my brow, "Nothing why?"  
"How would you like a job interview?"  
"A what?" I put a hand to my forehead.  
"You heard me! Vince will see you tomorrow if you're interested?"  
"Are you on crack? What the fuck are you talking about?"  
Shane laughed at my confusion but my head was spinning! "The video? Vince loved it!"  
"But I never did that video, not really it was the tech guys!"  
"He knows that! Listen I'm talking training here, training with the best in the business with a job at the end of it! What d'ya say?" he smiled enthusiastically.  
"Shane erm wow! I don't ah….I don't know what to say! I er…"  
"Ok listen how about you call me in the morning?"  
"I erm I don't know!" I put a hand to my head again.  
"Bec! It's a once in a lifetime opportunity I'm talking about! Sleep on it! I'll speak to you tomorrow!"  
He patted my arm & walked away leaving me stunned! I decided I needed another cigarette & I needed it then & there! I pushed the door & stepped outside into the cool air. I fumbled for my cigarettes, found one, lit it & inhaled deeply. "Fucking hell!" I whispered & bit on my nail. I took a few more drags on the cigarette then stepped further into the parking lot.  
"Changed your mind?"  
I spun around to see Adam with his hands in his pockets, leaning against the hood, his long denim-clad legs stretched out infront of him, crossed at the ankles. Man what a picture to look at! I threw my cigarette onto the ground & started to walk towards him slowly with a sly smile on my face! I didn't say a word! I just slid my arms over his shoulders as I stepped one leg either side of his, brushed some hair from his face & kissed him deeply. 


	69. Chapter 69

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 69  
  
Picture, if you will, the life I had always intended on living. I grow up, go to Uni, get a job, find a guy, get married, have kids, a house, a Springer Spaniel & a white picket fence! Safe, secure, predictable, end of story! Thankyou very much for the happy ever after! Compare that to the life I got! I grow up (At least that stays the same!) I find a guy (Wrong order of business begins!) I go to Uni, find a job that's thousands of miles away from home & that's when things really start to get screwed up in my big plan of life! Was it screwed up though that I fell in love with Matt? I don't think so! What was wrong was that he was taken from me, but did I bring that on myself or was it always meant to be that way from the day I drew my first breath? Did I change Matt's fate when I arrived in Cameron, or was it fate's intention to move me there? It's that point I dwell on over & over but no matter how long or hard I think about it I will never have the answer! Then what? I have Jude & that's not wrong! He's my life & the only piece of Matt that still lives on. Then there's Jeff, so simple yet I made it so complicated! Then Adam! What about Adam? God alone knows why I took it upon myself to ravish him in the parking lot at dusk that night, but I did! Out in the open, anyone could have walked around that corner & seen us but I just didn't care!  
30 minutes later as we scrambled to put our jeans back on I started laughing for no reason other than I couldn't believe what we had just done!  
"What?" He smiled as he fastened his boots back up.  
"I dunno….this! It's fucking crazy!" I straightened my shirt & tried to tidy up my hair still chuckling to myself!  
"Crazy as in 'funny' crazy or crazy as in 'what am I doing' crazy?" Adam stood up & shook the legs of his jeans over the tops of his boots.  
"Both!" I smiled, "Don't you have a match tonight?"  
"Nah just a run in but not for around…" he looked at his watch, "…half an hour yet!" He straightened the collar of his black shirt & started to fasten the buttons, covering up his amazing abs! I caught myself staring as his stomach disappeared behind the shirt & quickly turned away, feeling a little awkward again! School girlie! I fiddled with my clothes trying not to look at him!  
"So…." He leaned back on his car again.  
"So!" I smiled.  
"Well I er…..guess I'd better go back in or Shane will be having a God damn heart attack!"   
"Yep! You know Shane!"  
"Right!" he stood up, "So, I'll um see you around then!"  
"Yeah you probably will!" I smiled. He started to walk away, then stopped & came back.  
"Bec I…..I…" he rubbed his forehead, one hand still in the pocket of his tight jeans. "Well I….." he rolled his eyes, grabbed me & kissed me passionately, moaning slightly when my tongue found its way into his mouth.  
"I guess you'd better go then?" I said breathlessly when we parted.  
"I don't have to! I mean HELL I have half an hour!" he grinned.  
"Adam!" I laughed, "Go on! Get gone!" I playfully pushed him backwards. He kissed me again. "I said.." I pushed his face away from mine, "Go!" I giggled.  
"Ok I'm going!" He held his hands up, "But….see me again Bec! Don't let's just walk away from this!"  
I swallowed hard, "I dunno Adam I erm.."  
"Please? Just, sometime, anytime! It doesn't have to be this week, this month even……..just say you'll think about it?"  
I nodded, "I can't promise that I'll see you again, but sure I'll think about it!" I smiled & he kissed me again, "Now get in there before they come looking for you!"  
"Ok!" he kissed me once more, "Aren't you coming?"  
"No. I'm gonna stay out here & have a cigarette! I'll be in, in a little while!" I smiled.  
"Ok see you then!" He smiled & started to walk away, holding on to my hand as he stepped backwards until both of our arms were outstretched. Slowly he let go, smiled, turned around & went back inside.  
I puffed out my cheeks as I took another cigarette from the carton & went & sat on the step to smoke it!  
"Oh how did I know you'd be out here?"  
I jumped and looked up as Sasha came out of the exit. "I thought you were watching the show!" she sat down beside me & took the cigarette out of my hand.  
"Don't change the subject!" She took a drag, "I knew you'd be out here when I passed Adam in the corridor grinning like a Cheshire cat!"  
"Don't start!" I took the cigarette back from her.  
"Start what? It was you who said you weren't seeing him again!"  
"Have I missed Dwayne's match?"  
"Bec!" she squealed, "Never mind Dwayne's match! What's goin on here?"  
"Excuse me ladies!" we both looked up & then shuffled sideways. "Sorry Paul!" I smiled as he walked between us & went to his car. "God he's weird!" I whispered to Sasha.  
"It's not gonna work!" she took out one of her own cigarettes & lit it. "I want some answers!" She exhaled, "Have you just been screwing Adam again or not?"  
"Sasha!" I sighed, "Yes I just fucked Adam again so what?"  
Her jaw dropped, "So what? Just like that?"  
"Yeah and?"  
She shook her head, "One off? Yeah that I can understand but two off? That doesn't work Bec I'm telling ya!"  
"What are you talking about?"  
"Ok let me explain this" She shuffled forward on the step, "Once & walk away, that's cool! Everyone does it at one time or another! But twice….well someone's gonna get hurt Bec & I'm worried about you! This isn't like you at all!" she patted my leg.  
"Oh? And what is like me exactly? Boring? Predictable? And might I add, no sex life!"  
"So that's what it is with Adam right? Just sex?"  
"Yes!" I threw my cigarette onto the ground, "what's the problem?"  
"No problem if you think you can handle that without either one of you getting involved!"  
"I can handle it!"  
"Ok!" She threw her cigarette down, "None of my business I'll butt out!"  
"Sasha I didn't mean to be a bitch!" I sighed, "I'm sorry! You're right it was stupid & I shouldn't have done it!"  
Sasha started to smirk, "Put a smile on his face though!" She nudged me & we both started to laugh!  
"Fuck off! It's embarrassing!"  
"Girl I just past him in the hall & believe me THAT is not embarrassing! Mind you, the day you start to screw around with things like that.." she gestured to Hunter walking back towards us, "Then you'll have something to be ashamed of!" we both giggled.  
"There's no fear of that believe me!"  
"Ah listen hun I don't mean to sound like your Mother or anything I just," she sighed, "I see the way you & Jeff are…" I rolled my eyes & turned away & she took hold of my hand, "I know! I Know! I sound like a broken frigging record & I'm sorry! All I want you to do is admit it!"  
"Admit what?"  
"How you really feel about Jeff! And don't give me any of your bullshit cause I'm not falling for it any more!"  
"You want the truth?"  
"Yeah come on hit me with it!"  
"Ok!" I sighed, "Truth is my feelings for Jeff aren't that simple Sash!" I sighed again, "I dunno, it scares the shit out of me!" I looked at my feet, "It scares me & I don't wanna talk about it!"  
"Aw sweetheart why the hell would it scare you? He's gorgeous! He's kind, he loves Jude….and he loves you too Bec!"  
"It's all bullshit!" I mumbled.  
"Oh come on it's totally obvious! Everyone can see it but you!"  
"Sasha it scares the shit out of me because I don't really know how I feel about him! When I think about it my head gets all fucked up!"  
Sasha put her arm around me, "So talk to me…..talk to him!"  
"I can't! I need to get it sorted out up here….." I tapped my temple, "It's up to me! No one else can sort my head out but me!"  
"So in the meantime you're just gonna fuck Adam?"  
"Well I can think of worse pastimes!" I smirked and she squeezed me tightly!  
"You!" She laughed. "Just be careful hun ok? It might be a pastime to you but maybe Adam sees it differently!"  
"He doesn't! He's knows how it is!"  
"Yeah for now! Who knows, one more time, two more times down the line & he might not feel like that!"  
I'd never thought about it that way & she was right, I wasn't being fair to Adam, I was using him to feed my need for reckless abandonment!  
"Ok come on! I need a beer! You up for it?"  
"Count me in babe!" We both stood up, dusted off our asses & went back inside. 


	70. Chapter 70

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 70  
  
We ended up having several beers while we watched the rest of the show & it was awesome, well it was Wrestlemania! The kids were the envy of the entire crowd when Josh was the lucky pick to get the Hurricane mask! Andrew was completely pissed at him but I assured him I'd get him a 'Hurri-mask' before we went home & that seemed to cheer him up! Josh asked me if I could get 2 'Hurri-masks' before we went home & I said yeah so he turned around and gave the one Shane had just given him to the little girl behind us who almost cried! I could have cried too, there isn't many 11 year old boys would do a thing like that! He was a great kid! I only hoped I could raise Jude to be as good!  
So, first task on the agenda when we got backstage was to find the Hurricane & bag two masks!   
"Where's Sh……ah I mean The Hurricane?" I smiled at the two boys innocently! (As if they didn't know who it really was behind that mask!!)  
"He's right down the hall second door on the left why?" Jeff asked as we all crowded around him!  
"Ah well there's two boys here that we think deserve to be 'Hurri-fied!'"  
"Ah right!" Jeff ruffled their hair & mouthed 'Hurri-fied' at me & I just shrugged my shoulders & pulled a face! "Ok then well come on & I'll take you to find him!" Jeff ushered the two boys infront of him then passed me his cell, "You might wanna give Shane a quick call!" He winked and walked away!  
I quickly found Shane's number & called it, "Shane! It's Bec! Yeah listen get your cape on Jeff's bringing the kids to see you! Aw man stop bitching & just do it!" I laughed, "Oh and they want a couple of masks! Go on hurry up they're on their way now!" I laughed & hung up!  
"The things we do for kids huh?" Sasha laughed.  
"Well girlies you will have to excuse me while I go & find Mr Right before he leaves!" Betty grinned & walked away.  
"Man does she ever have it bad!" I laughed.  
"No, she has it good! Have you SEEN his ass?" Sasha whistled.  
"Sasha you are obsessed with asses!" I rolled my eyes.  
"Just a healthy observation!" her cell phone rang & she pulled it out of her purse. "Dave!" She rolled her eyes, "Caitlin probably spewed again, or the cat shit in the bath tub!" She shook her head & smiled, "Hi darl…..Dave?…..hello?" she cocked her head to the side & frowned, "Dave?" her face went pale & she handed me the phone, "What does that sound like to you?"  
I listened, it sounded like someone having sex! "Oh um…maybe he's watching porn!" I handed the phone back to Sasha. The look on her face at that moment, I didn't know if she was gonna cry or punch something! She switched off her phone.  
"Not unless the next door neighbour has started making fuck films although it wouldn't surprise me!"  
"Sasha……" I put my hand on her shoulder & I could see tears welling up in her eyes, "Hun don't jump to conclusions!"  
"Oh….oh right! He only called out her fucking name!" She bit on her lip, "I…..I need to go home & sort this out! Shit!" She fumbled to get her cell back out of her purse, "I need to call a cab!" She swallowed hard.  
"No need for that!" I put my arm around her shoulders, "DWAYNE!" I yelled and waved him over, "We need a ride to Sasha's place are you busy?"  
"Nope! Just going to head off anyway is something wrong?"  
"I'll go on my own! Bec you needn't come with me! I have to get this sorted!" Tears rolled down her cheeks & she wiped them away & took a deep breath, "Can you take care of Josh for me please?"  
"Sure Sasha but listen please, you can't do this on your own! You don't have to! I'll come with you!"  
"I'll be fine!" She squeezed my hand & quickly walked down the corridor with Dwayne close behind! 


	71. Chapter 71

Lost, confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 71  
  
I stood in the corridor not really sure of what to do next! Jeff wandered back over with the kids both wearing Hurricane masks & looking very proud of themselves!  
"Hey! Where's Sasha gone?"  
"Boys sit here for two minutes ok? Don't move!" I sat them on top of a crate & ushered Jeff to one side away from their ear shot! "Sahsa's had to go home….erm…..well she got a phone call…." I explained to Jeff what we'd heard on the phone!  
"Oh shit! Man poor Sasha!"  
"Yeah I wish she'd let me go with her though!" I bit on my thumbnail. "Oh so is it ok that we have Josh tonight?"  
"Sure no worries!" he looked back at the boys, "He can ah sleep in my room!"  
"Thanks!" I said & kissed his cheek, totally oblivious to the comment he made (meaning if Josh was in his room then he would have to be in mine!) "I suppose I better go & find Betty, can you watch them?"  
"Yeah, don't worry about those two!" He squeezed my hand & walked off in the direction of the boys who were thankfully oblivious to everything & more concerned with inspecting their Hurricane masks!  
I found Betty attatched to Chris just outside one of the men's locker rooms.   
"BETTY!" She looked up, "I'm sorry to interrupt but ah we're heading off home!"  
"'scuse me!" Adam squeezed behind me on his way to the locker room & when I say squeezed I mean I felt EVERYTHING!  
"Ooops sorry Adam!" I smiled & stepped out of his way, blushing slightly! He smiled & winked as he went through the door & Chris smirked. "Very funny Christopher!" I pulled a face at him & he held up his hands.  
"Did I say a word?"  
"Listen Sasha's had a bit of a problem crop up at home so she's left already…………I'll explain on the way come on!" I grabbed her hand & started leading her away from Chris.  
"Are you coming or are you going to stand there like a dork all night?" I shouted at Chris.  
"Oh I'll come along, if it's ok with you guys?"  
Betty smiled from ear to ear & I rolled my eyes, "Come on then! Oh but…" I prodded his chest, "No Copeland wise cracks ok? Not infront of Jeff or he'll start and get pissy & I've got enough to deal with!"  
"I promise!" Chris smiled, "He only gets pissy cause he's jealous though!"  
Betty snorted at Chris' stupid comment & I glared at him!  
***   
The kids both fell asleep in the car on the way home so Jeff & Chris carried them up & put them both in Jeff's bed! Josh had asked some questions but I just told him Caitlin had puked so his Mum had to go & see to her! He seemed happy enough with that story thank God! Gilbert drove Mary back to Edbrook & Jeff made us all a coffee.  
"Jesus poor Sasha!" Betty said as we all sat around the table, "what a total bastard!"  
"Yeah well we don't know the whole story yet but I don't see how there could be any other explaination for what I heard on that phone!"  
Betty nodded & took a drink from her cup, "And what a way to find out!"  
"Yeah I know!" I sighed, "I'm just gonna go check on Jude! Back in a min!"  
I went into my room and stood staring at Jude, I was so tired yet my mind buzzed with a billion things and there was no way I'd be getting into that bed until I heard from Sasha!  
"He ok?" Jeff whispered as he peered around the door.  
"Yeah!" I smiled, "Sorry your house has been invaded! I hope your Dad isn't too pissed!" I whispered as we made our way out of the bedroom.  
"Hey this is your house too!" He put his hands on my hips, "And no he doesn't mind!" he smiled.  
"What a night huh?" I put a hand to my forehead.  
"Yeah I hope Sasha's ok!"  
"Oh it's not just Sasha! Adam had all the tyres slashed on his car!"  
"Shit! His new car?" I nodded, "Ouch!" he wrinkled his nose, "And Shannon!"  
"What about Shannon?"  
"He was injured during his match didn't you know?"  
My stomach flipped, "Jesus no! Is he ok? What happened?"  
"Well he went up top and some dip shit got past security & pushed him!"  
"Oh my God!" I put a hand to my mouth.  
"He'll be ok! They took him to the hospital though cause he was out of it!"  
"Fucking hell!" I sighed, "Oh and how's your leg?" I looked down.  
"Yeah it's just a bit bruised! I got it strapped it'll be fine!"  
"Well I'm going to no more Wrestle-frigging-mania's I can tell you!"  
Jeff smiled, "Aw it wasn't that bad!" he touched my cheek.  
"I guess not, I mean I got offered a job tonight!"  
"What?"  
I told him all about what Shane had said to me earlier that night & he hugged me. "That's awesome!"  
"Yeah I guess! I haven't really decided yet though, I'll call Shane in the morning!"  
We started to go down the stairs side by side.  
"Hey pops!" Jeff hugged Gilbert at the bottom of the stairs.  
"Great show son! Congratulations! I'm proud of you!" Gilbert smiled, "And YOU!" he pointed at me, "You done good with that video!" he hugged me.  
"Thanks Gilbert!" I smiled over his shoulder, "I'm so glad you liked it!"  
"Well it brought a tear to my eye I can tell you! You should be proud!"  
"Oh well the tech guys kinda did the hard work but yeah I guess I am proud of it really!" I smiled & Jeff put his arm around my waist, squeezing me slightly.  
"Well I'm off to bed! Not too much noise!" he pointed at Jeff.  
"No worries Dad!" Jeff patted his Dad on the back as he made his way up to bed. "Told you not to worry didn't I?" Jeff smiled.  
"Yeah I know!"  
He turned me around to face him as we stood outside the kitchen door. "Bec? I know now isn't the best time but can we talk?"  
"Sure what's wrong?"  
"Nothing's wrong it's just…." He touched my cheek, "I love you and I know you haven't been hearing that an awful lot lately but I'm telling you now!"  
I smiled, "It's ok! I mean you don't have to…..y'know because of what Matt said and…"  
"That's not why I'm telling you!" He moved closer to me, "I'm telling you because I mean it!" he held my face in both of his hands so this time I couldn't turn away as he kissed my lips softly. I closed my eyes & took a deep breath. I felt so afraid because just lately my feelings for him had grown stronger and I didn't know how to handle it! Why was I afraid? Well Adam's tyres had been slashed after I'd heard that whispered word in the corridor, if 'he' knew I had feelings for Jeff…..well I tried not to think about it! Ok so the tyres could have been done by anyone, there was so many people around that arena, but could I truly afford to take that risk? If I convinced myself that the tyres were just a coincidence & let myself fall in love with Jeff & I was wrong? Well it would be too late to reconsider! Yet still I found myself unable to stop him as he pressed his lips against mine for a second time & I felt his arms slide around my back & pull me close to his body.  
"We can't do this!" I said breathlessly & pushed on his shoulders. Gently he moved me up against the wall, "Jeff…"  
"Don't make me stop Bec!" he kissed me again, this time there was more passion & feeling in that one kiss than I'd ever felt before, even from Matt! My head was spinning as I tried to tell myself this was too dangerous, but there was another voice in my head saying, 'Don't stop! Don't stop! Don't stop!' It was totally different from anything I'd ever experienced, if I wasn't convinced that I was in love with him before, then I certainly was the instant his lips touched mine! I didn't know you could fall head over heels in love with just one kiss, one moment and BANG! Your life changes forever! I would guess that we were outside the door like that for 10 minutes or more, until something inside of me just snapped. All I thought was 'I can't lose him!' and suddenly I turned my head away & gasped for a breath.   
"Stop!" I put my hands on his chest & gently pushed on him until he took a step backwards. "We can't do this! Please!"  
He looked confused & he looked hurt! "Why Bec? What's the problem?"  
"You just……you don't understand! This just can't happen! I won't let it happen Jeff I'm sorry!"  
"But…" he put his hand to his head, "Bec you're right ok I don't understand! So explain it to me! You can't just say that & expect me to……to forget the way I feel about you!" he stepped forwards again & touched my arm, his fingers running up & down, giving me goose bumps as he leaned forwards & lightly kissed my neck. His hand found mine & he curled his fingers around it & squeezed it tightly. His lips were hot on my neck & I closed my eyes, bit on my lip & let my tears flow freely. "Forgive me!' I thought to myself, 'I've just signed his death warrant!' 


	72. Chapter 72

Lost, Confused. Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 72  
  
God get me out of this  
Don't make me feel this  
I'd rather be numb  
Feel nothing  
Rather than have this thing  
Crushing me  
Unable to breathe  
God take this feeling  
I want it to leave  
  
(Paper_cut)  
  
There was voices in the kitchen, doors opening & closing as I stared into his eyes, unable to move or look away. His fingers were still curled around mine, both of our hands locked to each other as he stood between them with his body against mine, just staring. I could hardly breathe as my tears fell silently.  
"Sasha's baaaaa…………" Betty poked her head around the door & stared at us in disbelief! "Oh……erm…….err…….sorry I ah……"  
"I'll be right there." I said without taking my eyes from Jeff's, she closed the door quietly.  
"Bec….."  
"I have to go!" I untangled both of my hands from his & wiped my face.  
"I love you!" He whispered.  
I put my hand on the door handle, my back was to him, "I slept with Adam tonight." I didn't wait for him to speak I just went into the kitchen. Why did I say that? I wanted him to hate me. I didn't want to hurt him but all the same I knew it would & it was killing me. But rather he despise me than love me & died for it!  
None of it mattered when I saw my friend at the back door almost crumpled in a heap, clutching at her chest with tears falling to the floor. Oh how I knew how it felt to have your heart ripped out like that! I went straight to her with no thought of how my own heart pained with every beat. I put my arm around her shoulders.  
"Get her a whiskey!" I said to Betty as Sasha almost fell to her knees & I held on to her.  
"It's over! It's over!" She sobbed breathlessly & I took her into my arms as Dwayne came over & helped me get her to a seat.  
It was hours later before we were able to calm her down. Dwayne, Chris & Jeff had all gone into the living room while Betty & I tried to 'fix' her up a little. It was 2 hours later when we followed them in expecting them to be asleep but they weren't! All 3 guys stood up as we walked in and there we stood the 6 of us, 3 guys & 3 girls! How perfect a picture it would have made to anyone looking on! Anyone who didn't know us! Anyone that didn't know what fucked up lives we had (Well some of us had!) Maybe it would have been good not to know - just to be able to stare at the picture and smile!  
"You guys better not have drank all the whiskey!" Sasha forced a smile & we all laughed quietly when Jeff held out the empty bottle! "Aw great! How am I meant to drown my sorrows with water?!" She whined.  
"I'll go & get another bottle!" I squeezed her shoulder & went into the kitchen to search the cupboards.  
"Shitty day huh?" I closed one of the cupboard doors to see Dwayne leaning on the counter.  
"Yep! Shitty! HA! Fucking bullshit fucking fucked up bastard of a day!" Dwayne raised his eyebrows at me, "Oh ignore me!" I opened another cupboard. "Oh and thanks Dwayne! I didn't expect you to stay with her & bring her back here! I bet it wasn't pretty huh?"  
"Hey I waited in the car! None of my business!" He folded his arms, "Anyway I figured she'd probably need a ride!"  
I smirked, "They broke the mold Dwayne Johnson you know that?"  
"What?" He smiled.  
"Well you! You're….well you're just Mr fantastic or something!" I laughed.  
"Oh I'm not that! Believe me!"  
"Yeah well my luck all the good guys are married……….ah ha!" I held up a bottle of brandy, "Nasty, but it'll do the trick!" Dwayne was miles away, "Helloooo?"  
"What? Oh yeah God Brandy? Is that all you got?"  
"It's all I can find!" I smiled & got some extra glasses from the shelf, "Are you ok?" I put the glasses on the counter & went to him, "You don't seem your usual self tonight?"  
"Me? Hell yeah! I'm great!" He forced one of his winning smiles but I wasn't convinced!  
"You can tell me y'know if there's something on your mind!"  
"Well actually there is one thing!"  
"Go on!"  
"Why the hell did you say that shit to Jeff earlier?" I stared at him & swallowed.  
"He told you?"  
"Yeah he told me! Bec you just about broke the guy's heart! I don't get it! I mean are you seeing Adam? What?"  
"No I'm not seeing Adam and…" I grabbed the brandy & the glasses, "I need a drink!"  
He grabbed my arm, a little too rough for my liking as I tried to walk past him & I looked down at his hand. He loosened his grip slightly but didn't let go. "Bec you're my friend & I love you you know that! But….just don't fuck with the guy's head ok? He doesn't deserve that….and it's not you!"  
"I've got other things on my mind right now Dwayne!"  
He took the bottle & glasses from my hands & put them on the counter, unscrewed the top off the brandy & took a huge gulp! My eyes widened & my jaw dropped! Dwayne didn't drink! What the fuck was going on? He drew a breath through his teeth & shook his head.  
"He loves you! You love him! Bring on the big ole purple dinosaur & let's have a sing along!" He took another big gulp from the bottle, he was turning into The Rock infront of my eyes & it was freaking me out!  
"What are you doing? Give me that!" I snatched the bottle from his hand & he laughed.  
"What am I doing? What am I……sweetheart you need to be asking yourself that question!" he went to the living room door, "Hey Jeffro!" He gestured to him & I closed my eyes.  
"Dwayne!" I hissed.  
Jeff got to the door & he ushered him into the kitchen.  
"Right this is how it's gonna be kids!" Dwayne smiled, "I'm sick & tired of your bullshit!" He whirled around and pointed at Jeff who took a step backwards, "Be a man & stop taking all of her crap! And you!" He pointed at me, "Stop being a bitch! It's very unbecoming!" he grabbed the bottle from my hand & I just stood there totally stunned. "Shout, scream, hell screw each other's brains out on the table I DON'T CARE! But either one of you idiots walk through that door without sorting this out one way or the other & I'll kick both your scrawny asses into next week……ok kids?" He patted us both on the shoulder, smiled & took a gulp from the bottle as he walked back into the living room. 


	73. Chapter 73

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 73  
  
We both stood looking at our feet for a while in silence. If only I could have told Dwayne, explained to him why I was so afraid of this happening then maybe we wouldn't be standing here now, staring at the floor, loving each other & hating it! Jeff went to the fridge & grabbed a beer.  
"Want one?" He held out a bottle & I took it from him, "well this is nice!" He slammed the fridge door & I jumped. "Did you mean what you told me? Is it true?"  
"Yes."  
Jeff nodded slowly as he opened his bottle, "so what's the deal?" he held out his arms.  
"What deal?"  
"You & Copeland?"  
"There's no deal. "I took a gulp from my bottle.  
"Really? Well aint that just cosey!" I looked away. I didn't have the energy to fight with him but it looked as though I wasn't going to get much of a choice! "So you have a one night stand with a guy, fair enough, that happens I guess but…..you go back for more & yet you still say there's nothing going on?" he laughed sarcastically. "Damn he must be good!"  
"Don't do this Jeff!" I put a hand to my head.  
"No come on! We have to get this all out in the open here!" he gulped his beer down & went for another, "I mean was he really that good?"  
"Jeff I can't deal with this when you've been drinking!"  
"Hey I only asked a question! Just answer me that one thing!" He stepped right up to me, "Was he that good Bec? Did he make you scream?"  
"Asshole!" I spat at him & turned my face away. He laughed & drank some more beer. Why was he doing this? I was exhausted & Sasha needed me, I didn't have time for this shit, none of it! Not Jeff, not Adam, not Dwayne…I just wanted to help my friend! I wanted to cry but I couldn't let him see me that weak! He walked away & put his bottle on the counter.  
"Y'know……………" he sighed & ran both of his hands through his hair, "When you were with Matt I'd watch him……..the way he touched you and it churned me up inside & I hated myself for it! I tried so hard not to feel that way but I wanted it to be me!" He patted his chest, "He was my brother & I hated the way I felt about him sometimes y'know?" he shook his head & laughed, "God I just wished that you'd never come here, that we'd never met you…..because I didn't want to feel the way I felt about my own fucking brother!"  
I turned my back & swallowed, trying to get rid of the huge lump in my throat. I didn't want to hear this! "Jeff just stop it!" I said quietly.  
"I'd hear you sometimes, like that night in the hotel……………"  
"STOP IT NOW!"  
"The way you screamed his name……………"  
"SHUT THE FUCK UP JEFF I MEAN IT!" Tears welled up in my eyes.  
"And I hated him! I hated both of you! I wanted to burst into that room & just drag him the hell off you & smack him in the fucking face!"  
I'd heard enough! "SHUT UP! DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM LIKE THAT!" I pushed him & he stumbled backwards, "DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING SPEAK ABOUT HIM LIKE THAT YOU BASTARD!" Tears streamed down my face & I went for him, I couldn't help myself! I slapped his face so hard that it stung my hand & I didn't stop there! I kept on lashing out until he was backed into a corner, he wasn't even defending himself until I hit his face again & he grabbed both of my arms.  
He whirled me around and slammed my back against the wall so hard it knocked the wind out of me & he held me there as I gasped for breath. I could see in his eyes how much I'd hurt him & how much he hated me! I shook from head to toe & my feet were barely touching the floor as he had me virtually hanging from the wall!  
"Is everything alright in here?" I looked over Jeff's shoulder to see Gilbert standing in the doorway with Betty, Sasha, Chris & Dwayne behind him.  
"Yes it's fine!" Jeff said through clenched teeth, not even turning to look at his father. I tried to act calm, as if it was a normal every day occourance to be hanging from a fucking wall! I closed my eyes, my chest burned where he had slammed my own fists into it & my back hurt like hell where it had been rammed up against the wall, but still he held me there.  
"Take your hands off her Jeffery!" His dad said calmly. Jeff swallowed hard, he was shaking with anger & blood trickled down his cheek where I'd caught him with my nail as I'd lashed out. He looked like a mad man and yet I wasn't scared of him, I don't think I could ever be scared of him! Slowly he released his grip & I felt the floor beneath my feet. He held his arms out to the side to show his Dad he'd let go of me & took a step backwards. Dwayne took a step into the kitchen & I help up my hand to stop him at the same time as Gilbert stuck out his arm to stop him from going any further. Jeff turned to his side, grabbed a chair & threw it across the room. Crockery smashed to the floor & the chair almost broke in half! Then he booted the back door, almost swinging it from it's hinges as it crashed back into the wall shattering both panes of glass. And then he was gone!  
I sank to the floor sliding my back against the wall & clutching at my chest. Dwayne ran to me & hoisted me to my feet.  
"Are you ok? Did he hurt you?" I shook my head & sobbed. Dwayne pulled me to him & kissed the top of my head, rocking me slowly in his arms. "I'm sorry sweetheart! I never meant for this to happen!"  
Gilbert started to clear up the broken plates & cups without saying a word but he looked devastated! Dwayne loosened his embrace & I ran my hands through my hair & wiped my face. He caught hold of one of my arms & turned it around, the bruises were already starting to blacken, a trait I'd inherited from my mother, (Dad always said we were his 2 peaches!) He let go of my hand & ran out of the door! My God he was after Jeff!  
"DWAYNE NO!" I yelled but it was too late! "Chris! Please!" Chris came to me & rubbed my arms.  
"Don't worry!" He ran out after Dwayne & I stood bewildered! Sasha walked towards me with the brandy bottle in her hand & I took it from her & gulped some. It was disgusting, burning the back of my throat & I winced as I wiped my mouth on the back of my hand. Gilbert took the bottle from me.  
"That's not going to help the situation!" He scowled at me & banged the bottle down on the table.  
"Gilbert….he didn't mean it! It wasn't how it looked!"  
He nodded his head slowly, "Y'know I've seen Dwayne fighting out there with one of my sons before, that was over a woman aswell!' He hung his head, "Only this time I hope my son gets his ass kicked!" He walked out of the room & went back to bed. 


	74. Chapter 74

Lost, confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 74  
  
We sat on the porch while we drained the bottle of brandy, it was disgusting but needs must!  
"Jesus they've been ages!" Betty stood up & went to the rail peering out into the night.  
"Chris will be fine as long as Dwayne doesn't spew on him!" I lit a cigarette & looked down at my feet, "I'm sorry I caused all this shit!"  
Sasha put her arm around me, "Don't be sorry!" She squeezed shoulder, "Nobody causes shit……..shit happens!" She forced a smile!  
"Oh Sasha shit! I'm sorry! What with everything going on I…"  
"Hey that's ok….man I must have looked like a real idiot when I got back here!"  
"You didn't look like an idiot!" Betty said as she sat down at the other side of Sasha, "Jesus girl we didn't expect you to react any other way!" She gave Sasha a hug.  
"Man I can't believe my fucking marriage is over! BAM! Just like that!" She sighed.  
"Is it really over Sash? I mean there's no hope of…" she shook her head. "Aw man I'm so sorry!"  
"Y'know I just never saw it…" she sniffed, "If I'd had any idea that he was with her I…" she wiped her face, "Well fuck it! Fuck him! Fuck her! Fuck the whole fucking fuck up!" she let her tears flow as Betty & I hugged her, "I'll get over it….AGAIN! Thankyou God!"  
We let her cry for a while, what was there to say? What was supposed to be a fantastic night had ended with 2, sorry correction 3 broken hearts, a smashed up kitchen and The Rock howling through the North Carolina night doing God knows what God knows where!  
"Do you think Chris will be ok?" Betty bit on her lip.  
"YES!" Sasha & I said at the same time & we all laughed.  
"So what happened with you & Jeff? Looked pretty intense!" Sasha wiped her face on her sleeve & lit one of her cigarettes.  
"Oh screw that I'm more concerned about you!"  
"I'm sick of talking about it Bec! There's nothing else to say! Tell me about Jeff!"  
"Yeah Bec, what the fuck got into him tonight anyway?" Betty took Sasha's cigarette from her hand & inhaled.  
"I didn't know you smoked!" Sasha said in amazement!  
"Hey that's cool, neither do my employers so it's all good! Go on Bec you were gonna say?"  
"What got into him was about half a bottle of whiskey!" I stood up & went to the rail, "It was my fault I wound him up…….I told him about Adam!"  
"You did what?" Sasha stood up.  
"Told him what? What about Adam? What did I miss?"  
"Betty she screwed Adam!"  
"Oh I know that!"  
"In the arena parking lot!" Sasha folded her arms across her chest & Betty's jaw dropped!  
"In the parking lot?" she sniggered, "You are fucking kidding me right?"  
"Nope! It's all true!" I rested my elbows on the rail & put my chin in my hands.  
"Oh my God!" Betty said quietly!  
"So why the hell did you tell Jeff? He would never have known!"  
"Because I had to! Ah it's complicated!" I sighed, "God I hope Dwayne hasn't humped anything with 4 legs!" I said tactfully changing the subject!  
"Do you think Chris is ok?"  
"YES!" Sasha & I shouted at Betty & burst into a stupid fit of giggles!  
"I've never seen D touch the stuff in all the time I've known him!"  
"Now you know why!" Sasha nudged me & smiled.  
"There's something bugging him! He wasn't himself even before the booze!" I stared up at the stars & sighed.  
Betty sprawled her legs across the bench. "Got anything else to drink?"  
"I think we've had enough alchohol don't you?" Sasha leaned her back against the wall facing me.  
"Maybe I can get me some Jerichohol then!" Betty grinned & we rolled our eyes.  
"Betty you have got it bad girl! What are you gonna do after tomorrow?" I lit another cigarette.  
"What's after tomorrow?" She groaned.  
"Tuesday!" Sasha giggled.  
"Erm yeah but after Raw they're outa here!"  
Betty tried to sit up but rolled off the bench & landed on her side, "WHAT? Outa where? Where are they going?"  
"Um….Seattle I think I don't fucking know!"  
"Oh shit! That's just fucking perfect!" She gave up trying to get to her feet & stayed on the deck instead! "Thankyou GOD!" She raised her hand to the sky & flipped off the Lord!  
"D'ya know something, this, us three, it would be funny if we weren't so…"  
"Pathetic?" Sasha butted in.  
"Devastatingleeeee beautiful?" Betty hiccupped.  
"No I was gonna say tragic!" I sighed.  
'Yeah!" Both girls said together.  
"But come on! We might be tragic but we're still devastated & beautiful!" Betty grinned!  
"Yeah!" I laughed, "And pathetically wasted!" I slid down the fence until my ass hit the floor.  
"Yeah…….we rule!" Sasha slumped her ass to the floor. "YAY!" She waved her arms in the air & we all burst out laughing! I knew at that moment that we wouldn't be having a night like this ever again! Oh I don't mean all the shit, Jesus what are the chances of us getting dumped on like that again all at the same time? I mean the three of us altogether like that, laughing at our misfortunes & flipping off God!  
"I wonder if Chris is alright?"  
"Shut up Betty!" I laughed. "He's the king of the shitheads! Besides I can't think of anyone more qualified to handle The Rock!"  
"The Rock's here?" Sasha opened one eye & I wrinkled my brow at her!  
"How much did you actually have to drink tonight?"  
"Not as much as her obviously!" Sasha gestured at Betty who had now passed out on the deck!  
"Oh God! Well she can stay there for the night! The fresh air will do her good!" I smiled.  
Sasha shuffled over to me on her ass until she was sitting beside me. "What are you gonna do now?"  
"I'm going home!" I sighed.  
'You are home you idiot!"  
"No I'm not! Not really!" I stared up at the house, "This place, it was Matt's home & now it's Jeff's & Gilbert's! I can't stay here anymore, not after tonight!"  
"So you are going to go where exactly?"  
"England?"  
"What? Are you serious?"  
"Dead serious! I'm leaving!"  
"Jesus!" Sasha puffed out her cheeks & was about to say something more when we heard the chorus of 'Stand By Me' coming from the trees!  
"DWAYNE!" We both said together & stood up to see him staggering into the yard! 


	75. Chapter 75

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 75  
  
Sasha started to laugh. "It's not funny Sasha look at the fucking state of him!" I had to smile all the same as Dwayne staggered his way towards us. "He's on Raw tomorrow night & Shane is going to throw a blue fit!"  
"Stand by me! Oooooh stand by…..hey!" he reached the bottom of the steps.  
"Dwayne what the fuck are you doing?" I went down the steps & grabbed hold of his arm.  
"I went out…….but then I couldn't remember why so I went looking for pie!" He grinned & tripped up the step.  
"Oh yeah?" I said as I hoisted him to his feet, "Did it have four legs and bark at ya?"  
"Huh? No I couldn't find any!"  
"Thank God! Dwayne where did THAT come from?" I pointed at the bottle in his other hand & he held it up to his face.  
"Well whadya know!" He took a swig from it then studied the bottle, "Russia!" He grinned.  
"What?" I struggled to get him over the last step & onto the porch.  
"You asked where it came from, it says Russia on the bottle!"  
Sasha burst out laughing, "Sash! Don't encourage him! Help me get him on this fucking bench before he crushes me!" Sasha grabbed hold of his other arm & we sat him down. "Give me that!" I snatched the bottle from his hand then Sasha took it from me & had a gulp! "SASHA! You don't even know where that came from! Jesus!"  
"It's vodka!" She winced, "I fucking hate vodka!" She had another gulp!  
"Dwayne where's Chris?"  
"Chris who?"  
"God this has been along night!" I put a hand to my head then grabbed the bottle off Sasha & had a gulp myself! "Irvine…I mean Jericho! Chris Jericho?"  
"Chris is back?" Betty mumbled from the floor.  
"No go back to sleep!" I suddenly felt very sober! "Well?"  
"Chris Jericho?"  
"Yes!"  
"I dunno!"  
"Ok so have you seen Jeff?"  
"Jeff who?"  
"Sasha take over or I'm gonna slap him!"  
"Why me?"  
"Well don't you deal with the mentally unstable at work?" I snapped.  
She rolled her eyes then bent forward & spoke in Dwayne's face, "HAVE…….YOU……SEEN………JEFF?"  
I burst out laughing. "Way to go Sash! He's drunk not deaf!" She started laughing aswell! This was looking pretty hopeless!  
"Oh Jeff!!!" Dwayne smiled & waved his hand in the air, "Now I know who you mean!"  
Sasha raised her eyebrows at me, "Ok I'll try again!" She cleared her throat, "DO…….YOU…….KNOW…….WHERE……HE……IS?"  
"Naaah!"  
"Oh for fucks sake!" I ran a hand through my hair.  
"Hey Bec?"  
"What?"  
He grabbed me & pulled me onto his knee, "What colour are you eyes?"  
"Brown why?"  
"Yoooooooooo my brown eyed girl!" He burst into song again!  
"Yeah & yours will be black if you don't shut the fuck up!" I pinched his cheek & he grinned stupidly at me!  
"Now what do we do? I mean Chris doesn't know Cameron! He's probably lost in the fucking woods!"  
"Chris is back?" Betty opened one eye!  
"NO!" Sasha & I shouted.  
"Who's fucking in the woods! I wanna get me some of that!" Dwayne still held tight to me on his lap!  
"NOBODY! Sasha any ideas?"  
"I don't have a fucking clue! Maybe we can send Betty in to sniff him out!" She laughed.  
"Give me another drink!" I sighed & took a gulp from the mysterious bottle of vodka & winced at the taste of it! "Fuck it! I'm gonna go look for Jeff!" I stood up but Dwayne pulled me back onto his lap. "DWAYNE!" I slapped at his hands.  
"Hey don't hit me!"  
"Well let me go you asshole!"  
"Hit me baby one more time!"  
"Oh Christ!"  
"My loneliness is killin me!"  
"Dwayne shut the fuck up!"  
"I must confess I still believe!"   
I looked at Sasha who was having a total fit! "This is a nightmare! It has to be a fucking nightmare! I fell asleep at Wrestlemania that's what happened!"  
"I'm gonna pee myself!" Sasha danced around with her legs crossed! Dwayne continued to sing!  
"Ok D you're starting to piss me off now! Let me go!"  
"Go on now GO! Walk out the door! Don't turn around now! Cause la la la I will survive!" He raised his arm & I escaped! "Hey where you goin?"  
"I'm going to find Jeff & Chris!"  
"Chris & Jeff? Oh they're fine! They went for a walk!" He waved his hands around.  
"Ok so Chris is with Jeff somewhere?"  
"Chris is back!" Betty mumbled.  
"THAT'S IT!" I set off down the steps.  
"Hang on I'm coming with you!" Dwayne struggled to his feet.  
"You come anywhere near me & I swear to God I will kick your ass!" I stormed off into the night! 


	76. Chapter 76

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 76  
  
By the time I reached the gate I had an idea where Jeff would be so I set off down the road. My head felt a little woozy, I'd drank a lot but I didn't feel drunk. I knew I had to confront him & get this sorted out no matter how hard it was going to be to tell him I was leaving! My mind was made up about going back to England, I'd had enough of America & enough of Cameron to last me a lifetime & I was getting the hell out of there as soon as I possibly could, for his sake as well as my own sanity!  
"Good call!" I stopped dead in my tracks, that voice making the hair on the back of my neck stand on end! "Going back to England……..I didn't think you were that sensible!" I still couldn't turn around, couldn't breathe!  
"What do you want Mick?" I tried not to show the fear in my voice but when I spoke it was barely above a whisper!  
"Nothin! Just hangin around!"  
I slowly forced my body to turn around & there he was, leaning against a tree with his arms folded across his chest. "Go away!" I squeezed my eyes tight shut, but he was still there when I opened them again & I felt the tears welling up.  
"What's the matter Bec? You look like you've seen a…….ghost?" he threw his head back & laughed…………and then he was gone! Just vanished! I spun around searching the darkness for any sign of him but there was none! I was going crazy I was sure of it! What other possible explanation could there be for all of this shit? My legs took over before my brain kicked in & I started to run blindly along the road, turning my head every few seconds to see if he was behind me, he wasn't.  
I reached the huge iron gates of the cemetery & pushed them open slowly, my heart pounding in my throat & my legs on fire. Then the irony of it hit me, I was hiding from 'him' in a cemetery! Way to go! If I could have gotten a breath I'd have laughed out loud! I closed the gate & sank to my ass in the dirt. I pulled my knees up to my chest & sobbed! I felt sick & I suddenly scrambled to my feet & went to the hedge beside the gate where I proceeded to tip my guts into the grass, not very pleasant but I felt better for it. Once I'd gathered myself together I headed for Matt's grave, I was sure Jeff would be there, and I was right! He was on his knees with his head in his hands, Chris squatting beside him with one arm over his shoulder. I hung back in the shadows for a while, they were talking but I wasn't close enough to hear what they were saying. Chris must have heard something because he looked up in my direction so I had no choice but to step out where he could see me. He patted Jeff on the shoulder & gestured my way but Jeff didn't move. I took a couple of steps towards them & Chris stood up & headed my way.  
"Hey!" he said quietly & put his hands in the pockets of his jeans.  
"Hi" I looked at my feet, "is he ah ok?"  
"Well he's wasted & talking crap but other than that………." He shrugged his shoulders.  
A tear rolled down my cheek & I looked up at the stars. "Oh hey come on!" He put his arms around me. I rested my head on his shoulder & put my arms around his back. "We've all had a little too much to drink! Why don't we just go back to Jeff's and we can sort this out in the morning?" he rocked me gently.  
"I'm ok!" I swallowed, "I'm ok!"  
"You might be sweetheart but he's not ok!"  
"Let me just talk to him Chris!"  
"It won't do any good! He's completely off the frigging planet & it will only make things worse trust me!"  
"Please! Just let me try! Please?"  
He rolled his eyes, "OK, but don't say I didn't warn you!" I started off towards where Jeff still sat in the dirt. "And hurry up will ya I'm fucking freezing my ass off here!"  
I wiped my face as I got close to Jeff & took a deep breath. "Hi!"   
"What do you want?" his words were slurred together & I realized Chris was probably right!  
"I want to talk to you!" I put my hand on his shoulder & he put his on top, but then slowly moved my hand & let it drop! I bit on my lip & tried to stop the tears coming again.  
"I can't talk right now! I'm ah….I'm busy!" he laughed harshly.  
"Jeff please!" He held up his hand & I stopped talking. I simply knelt down infront of him, I could feel the mud soaking through my jeans & it was freezing! "Talk to me!" I held his hands & this time he didn't stop me from touching him, instead he squeezed them tightly.  
"I love you!" he whispered.  
"I know you do but…"  
"But you love Adam?"  
"No Jeff! I don't love Adam! I just can't love you!" He nodded his head slowly, he still hadn't looked me in the eye, not once & that wasn't him! It was something he always did with whoever he might be talking to! Matt had been the same! "I can't love you because….." I sighed, "Because something bad will happen, I can't explain it, not now, not like this! But it's not because I don't want to love you!" I let go of one of his hands & touched his cheek, "I do want to love you Jeff but I just can't! I can't and I'm sorry!" I started to cry, "I'm so so sorry!"  
He pulled on my hand & I shuffled my knees in the dirt so I was closer to him, then he took hold of the hand that was on his cheek & looked down at them in his lap. "Matt Hardy does it again huh?" he sniffed.  
"No Jeff this has nothing to do with Matt! I swear to you!"  
He nodded again, "Ok then," He sniffed & finally looked into my eyes, "So marry me!"  
"What?"  
"You heard me!"  
"No Jeff!"  
"Why not?"  
"Guys I'm sorry to interrupt but can we go please?" Chris stamped his feet & rubbed his arms, "I would have just gone & left you to it but I have no idea where I am or how I get back to Jeff's place!"  
"Yeah, come on Jeff! We can talk about this in the morning!" I stood up & Chris helped me get Jeff to his feet & between us we managed to drag him home. 


	77. Chapter 77

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 77  
  
Betty was still out on the porch completely unconscious but at least Sasha had had the sense to get her on the bench & throw a blanket over her - ok so on further inspection it was a table cloth but hey, the thought was there! Jeff had puked his guts up 3 times on the way home & Chris kept telling him what a disgusting pig he was! We managed to get him upstairs & threw him onto my bed! Sasha was curled up on one of the chairs in the living room with Jeff's jacket over her! Dwayne was half on the couch & half on the floor with the empty Vodka bottle still in his hand & for some reason one of Jude's bibs on his head! I smiled & Chris shook his head. We lifted his legs up onto the couch & I took the bib off his head, he didn't even stir until I tried to take the bottle from his hand!  
"SON OF A BITCH!" He yelled & sat up, wide eyed, blinking.  
"It's just me D go back to sleep!" I whispered, trying hard not to burst out laughing at him!  
"Oh……ok!" his eyes snapped shut & he fell back onto the sofa! I gave up & just left him where he landed! I kissed his cheek before I left the room, man I was going to miss this guy so much!  
Chris wasn't in the kitchen so I grabbed my cigarettes & went outside. He was sitting on the bench with Betty's head in his lap, stroking her hair as she slept. I lit my cigarette. It was starting to get light!  
"What time is it?" I sat down opposite Chris & Betty with my ass on the deck.  
"It was 4am when we dumped Jeff so I'm guessing 4:20 at the most!"  
"Jesus!" I shook my head & continued to smoke.  
"Quite a night!" Chris smiled.  
"You could say that!"  
"Where the hell was Rocky when I went looking for him?"  
"God knows, he got a bottle of vodka wherever he ended up!" I sniggered & Chris did the same!  
"I've never seen him under the influence, it must have been fun!" he chewed on his gum & continued to stroke Betty's hair. She was oblivious to all this attention she was getting!  
"Well if it's fun to hear 'Baby One More Time' Rocky style then I guess you're right!" I smiled.  
"You're kidding?" I shook my head, "Dwayne sang Brittany Spears? Man I wish I'd seen that!"  
"Don't! I'm still traumatized!" I brought my legs up to my chest & leaned my head back on the rail.  
"So what's the beef with you & Jeff?"  
"Ah well, ask me something I DO know then maybe we can talk!"  
"Oh it's like that huh?"  
"Yeah it's most definitely like that!" I laughed, "It's the weirdest proposal of marriage I've ever had!"  
"You are kidding me? He asked you to marry him?" Chris' eyes widened!  
I nodded, "Yep he's full of surprises!"  
"Well what did you say?"  
"Chris….what do you think I said? Man he couldn't even walk! I'm hardly hanging the rest of my life on a proposal he makes while he's almost unconscious!" I laughed. "Ah well even if he'd been sober I'd have turned him down!"  
"How come?"  
"It's complicated! You don't wanna know trust me!" I threw my cigarette end over the rail, "Anyway what about you two? I'm sick of talking about Jeff!" Chris looked down at Betty & smiled, "Well come on! Spill it! Are you still gonna see her again after you leave?"  
"Does she want to?"  
I laughed, "MEN!"  
"What?"  
"Jesus Chris the girl would crawl over broken glass for you man!"  
"Yeah?"  
"Yeah!" I shook my head.  
"Well then yes I do hope I can still see her!"  
"That's good!" I smiled, "That's great! It's like the best news I've heard in ages!"  
He started to laugh & I gave him a strange look, "Oh I'm sorry it's the ah Brittany thing…..kinda stuck in my head!"  
I started to laugh, "God what a fucking night! He is gonna be ILL in the morning! You'll have to carry his ass to the ring on Raw!"  
"Yeah you can help me!"  
"I doubt I'll be there!"  
"How come?"  
"I'm going back to England! Tomorrow hopefully!"  
"Oh right!" Chris looked up at the stars fading in the morning light, "Does Jeff know?"  
I shook my head, "Not yet. There was no point in telling him tonight the state he was in!" I sighed & he nodded.  
"Tell me to butt out but is it because of Matt, y'know the 'thing' that isn't going on with you & Jeff?"  
I smiled, "Yeah some of it!"  
"You must miss him?"  
"Yeah I do! I miss him like crazy even after all this time!" I sighed, "It got a little easier but………ah well!"  
"I can't imagine it y'know? It must have been hell!"  
"It still is believe me! Some days I don't even wanna get out of bed! It hurts…." I patted my chest with my fist.  
"Oh I'm sorry I didn't mean to……."  
"No that's ok! Really! I don't get to talk about him all that much, well not to people that knew him anyway!" I smiled, "Jeff & Gilbert……well sometimes I think it's easier for them to just pretend Matt was never here, rather than remember that he's gone!"  
Chris nodded, "I could tell you some stories about that idiot!" He laughed & I did the same.  
"I'd like that sometime!"  
"Anytime!" he smiled, "He was a great guy y'know? We all still kinda miss him at work!"  
"I'm glad everyone thinks about him!"  
"Oh we do!" He smiled.  
"God life huh? What a shit heap!"  
"Oh I dunno about that!" He smiled & looked down at Betty, "It seems to be picking up right now!" He looked back at me, "It'll get better for you y'know?"  
"Yeah well I guess we'll just have to wait and see!" I folded my arms around my legs & rested my head on my knees.  
"Jeff is gutted about ah…." He nodded towards my wrists & when I looked they were a nice shade of purple!  
"I know he didn't mean it!"  
"He wouldn't do it again either!"  
"How do you know?" I smiled.  
"Well because I kinda smacked him out before Dwayne got to him!" he grinned & I laughed.  
"You did?" He nodded, "Well maybe he needed smacking out!" I winked at Chris. "Yeah I know he wouldn't do it again, he's not like that! It was just one of those crazy heat of the moment things!" I Waved my hand in the air & smiled.  
"Not many would be as cool about it as you're being that's for sure! Hell he even gets forgiven!" Chris smiled. "He does love you though I know that much!"  
"What are you his promotional manager all of a sudden?" I smiled.  
"Nope, just a friend!" He chewed on his gum & smiled.  
"Well I know he loves me! I've known that for a lot longer than I should've done!"  
Chris raised his eyebrows but I just smiled, "I love him too ya know, truth be known!"  
"Ok so now I'm confused!"  
"Well don't be!" I stood up & dusted off my ass, "Are you gonna wake up sleeping beauty there or you want me to?"  
"Is there anywhere for us to crash in there?"  
"Yeah you can have the guest room!"  
"Ah well…." He carefully lifted Betty's head & stood up. "I'll carry her in, she'll never even know!"  
"Before you do….." I put my arms around him & hugged him tightly, "I'm gonna miss you guys!" I said over his shoulder.  
"Well stay then!" He laughed & squeezed me.  
"It's not that easy!"  
"Looks pretty simple to me!" He looked me in the eye, "OK I'm gonna say one thing here…..it's just that, well you maybe only fall in love once in a life time man! It seems like you're getting a second chance & you're running away from it! You & Jeff could be great together!"  
'Yeah maybe on the outside! But it'll all turn out ok in the end I guess! Everything happens for a reason as they say! Me & Jeff can't be together, simple as that!" I smiled, "Come on then or none of us are going to get any sleep!" He didn't let go of me, "Chris thankyou for tonight, for being the only one with brains enough not to drink themselves into oblivion!" I laughed.  
"It should be me thanking you!"  
"Why what did I ever do?"  
"You introduced me to Betty!" he kissed my cheek.  
"Man you wrestlers are just big old soft shits at heart aren't you!" I laughed, "I'm glad I've done something right for a damn change! Come on then I'll show you where the bed is!"  
"Oh man BED! That sounds like heaven! I'm fucking exhausted!" He smiled, lifted Betty (complete with table cloth!!) into his arms & we went inside. 


	78. Chapter 78

Lost, confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 78  
  
There was no point in me trying to get any sleep by the time I said goodnight to Chris! I stood outside my bedroom door for a while & ran my hand through my hair before going inside. Jeff was completely out of it, his arms and legs sprawled across the whole of the bed & snoring quietly. I went over & knelt on the floor beside him, leaving him was the hardest decision I'd ever had to make but the way I saw it there was no other option! I ran my fingers through his hair & rubbed my thumb lightly across his forehead, he didn't even stir! I leaned across him & lay my head on his chest, listening to his heart beating. He put his arm over me & gently rubbed my back but when I looked up he was still sound asleep! I smiled, kissed his lips gently & left the room.  
Sasha & Dwayne were still asleep in the living room so I tip toed past them, grabbed my cigarettes & headed out onto the porch. It was sunny & fresh & the stupid birds sang in the stupid trees as if this was another normal day! I sniggered to myself, God how I needed to sleep if I was starting to bitch about the birds! I looked down at my clothes, caked with dry mud & stained green from the grass at the cemetery, I was a mess, I needed a shower, but more than that right then I needed a coffee! I finished my cigarette & went back inside to make a cup & hopefully wake me up a little!  
I sat at the kitchen table with my hands wrapped around the hot cup infront of me. I could have quite easily gone to sleep sitting up in that chair! The broken door clattered against it's frame & a breeze blew through the room. I shivered & stood up to close it before the noise woke up Sasha & Dwayne but there was another noise, a buzzing, crackling noise that I'd only just noticed! I looked around the kitchen, switched off the microwave plug but the noise continued so I switched off the kettle, the corner light, the toaster, even the baby monitor but it was still there! I jumped as music started & I realized it must be Gilbert's old radio on the top of the fridge!  
  
*So lately, been wondering  
Who will be there to take my place *  
  
My hand stopped in mid-air, hovering above the radio when I realized what song was playing. I sighed, tilted the radio forward slightly so I could reach the 'On-Off' switch but it was already turned to the 'OFF' position!  
"Stupid old thing!" I murmered as I flicked the switch up & down.  
  
*When I'm gone you'll need love  
To light the shadows on your face *  
  
The breeze blew through the smashed glass of the back door again & I shivered. I followed the cable with my hands, "Looks like it belonged to Fred fucking Flintstone anyway! I know what to buy him for….." I stopped mumbling to myself when my fingers curled around the plug! It wasn't even plugged in yet still the song went on! "Oh for fucks sake!" I grabbed the radio & yanked the cover off the battery compartment……………it was empty! No batteries! I gulped and stared at it in disbelief! "What the fuck?" I whispered & slowly placed it back on top of the fridge! My hands trembled & my heart rate doubled as I slowly looked around the kitchen, but I was alone!  
The breeze got stronger, so strong that it took my breath away & I gasped & took a step backwards, the song continued to play. The room was filled with a familiar smell & I put my hands to my mouth as tears welled up in my eyes. I started shaking all over & my body was covered in goose bumps, I had to grab hold of the counter to steady myself I felt so dizzy. A warmth spread over my body sending tingles down my spine, it's hard to describe it, it's like the feeling you get when you hug a loved one that you haven't seen in a while! I closed my eyes, my breathing came in short sharp gasps & I felt something gently move my hair from my face. My eyes snapped open & I spun around but still I was alone & still The calling played on the radio, the radio with no power source! A few tears trickled down my cheeks & I felt something brush up against my face, but I wasn't scared any more! I felt relaxed suddenly, calm, like I'd just smoked a joint! It was bizarre!  
"Matt?" I whispered as my tears became more of a stream! What happened next is virtually unexplainable! My whole body seemed to feel it, like he was inside of me, not sexually, but as if I'd actually breathed something into my lungs! I tingled all over! I leaned my back against the fridge & closed my eyes as I took long deep breaths. Then slowly it faded, just like that! I tried to hold my breath so the feeling stayed inside of me but I couldn't stop it from slowly draining from my body as if it was oozing from every pore!  
"Don't go!" I whispered, but it was already gone! "No! Please!" I said breathlessly through my tears, "Please!"  
"I need a coffee!"  
I jumped, "Dwayne!"  
"OOOW!" he grasped his head, "Not so loud!" he wandered past me & looked me up & down, "My my don't you look like the bunny in the headlights? What's wrong? OOW!" he grabbed his head again.  
I was still gasping for breath, "N……..nothing……I……….I erm………did the radio wake you?"  
"What radio?" he slumped into a chair & put his head in his hands. I turned and stared at the radio which was now silent!  
"Oh…I…..I…..um…..I………" I ran a hand through my hair.  
"Are you ok?"  
I was still shaking so I put my arms around my chest & 'hugged' myself. "Im………….no…..I really need um a……..a shower or ah something!" I swallowed hard, "Help yourself to ah…..to a…..a…." I gestured to the coffee pot.  
"Coffee?' He raised his eyebrows.  
"Um yeah…a…..a…...coffee!" I forced a smile & gulped again.  
"Has something happened? He stood up, "You're ok right?" He held out his arms to hold me but when he touched my shoulder I quickly shrugged him off. "Bec?"  
I licked my lips, "Yeah I'm….I'm fine!"  
"You're shaking! What's been going on here?" He rubbed my arm, "Is it Jeff? Has he…"  
"No no it's not Jeff he's ah……he's asleep!" I gulped & the tears welled up in my eyes again so I looked up at the celing to try & stop them from falling. "It's not Jeff it's……..it's Matt!" I blinked and a tear rolled down my face.  
"Come here!" He pulled me into his arms. "I know you still miss him honey that's perfectly natural!" I nodded my head in his chest, "But this is me you're talking to here! You don't have to try & hide that stuff around me you know that!"  
"I know!" I sniffed, "I'm sorry!"  
I never told him, hell I never told anyone! How could I explain what had just happened? I stood there in his arms for a few minutes, I loved being in his arms! He always seemed to make all the bad stuff go away somehow! I could have quite happily stood there for hours with his huge biceps wrapped around my back!  
"I really need a shower!" I sniffed.  
'Yeah you stink!" I looked up at him & smiled.  
"Always the charmer Johnson!"  
"Hey that's me!" he winked & smiled at me!  
"You don't smell your usual sophisticated self this morning either!"  
"Why doesn't that surprise me?" he groaned & rested his head on my shoulder hugging me again. "Was I bad?"  
I sniggered, "Well I don't think Brittany Spears would have been impressed put it that way!"  
He groaned, "I didn't?"  
"Mmmm….that and many many more from The Rock's greatest Hits collection!" He pretended to cry on my shoulder & I laughed & stroked his head, "Aw have you got a hangover baby?" he nodded, "Serves you right!" he did his fake sob again & I smiled.  
"Can I just stay here? It doesn't hurt as much!" He whined.  
"You soft shite!" I playfully slapped his back & he slowly straightened up & rubbed his face. "What a hero!" I rolled my eyes. "Go & get a damn coffee while I have a shower!"  
"Is there room for two in that shower?" He wiggled his eyebrows & I pursed my lips at him! "Bec?" I turned to face him, "Before you have a shower have you got a minute?"  
"Sure!" he pulled out a seat for me so I sat down.  
"There was a reason for me being a bit off last night!"  
"I knew something was bugging you!" I took hold of his hand.  
He puffed out his cheeks, "Well maybe I should have said something sooner but….well I thought there was a chance that…..ah well that doesn't matter now!" He rubbed his chin with his hand, "It's well…"  
"Dwayne?" I wrinkled my brow, "What's wrong? This isn't like you! Just spit it out you're scaring me!"  
He nodded, "ok…..um……ah…..how do I put this into words?" 


	79. Chapter 79

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 79  
  
"I've never seen you stuck for words, what the hell is going on here?" I placed my other hand on top of his and squeezed it.  
"Ok right, well…um see Sasha…..well she's not the only one kinda….um…..going through that shit right now!"  
My jaw dropped, "Dwayne!" I gasped & he nodded his head, "My God why didn't you tell me?"  
He shrugged his shoulders, "Ahh I dunno! I thought well I kept thinking maybe she would come back y'know? Like one day I'd go home & she'd be there & it would all be cool again!" he smiled, "But after 6 weeks I guess I'm kinda…"  
"6 weeks? Dwayne! Oh Jesus!" I stood up, hoisted him to his feet & put my arms around him, "Christ all this time and……well I should have realized I'm so sorry!"  
"Hey, I chose not to tell people ok? This is not your fault! Hell I haven't even told my parents!"  
"Oh Dwayne!" I stroked his back gently, "I'm sorry!"  
He held me at arms length, "I just wanted to tell someone, no that's wrong! I wanted to tell YOU! I'm so sorry for the way I acted last night! I was an asshole!"  
"I'm glad you were! Jesus I might never have picked up on anything if u hadn't been!" I touched his cheek. He was still flashing his award winning smile at me & I knew he wouldn't let go infront of anyone, but all the same I could tell he was hurting inside! "Was it another guy?" He nodded slowly & his smile faded. I couldn't believe anyone would give up what was standing infront of me! Surely there was no one better than Dwayne! I caught hold of my thoughts & blinked & shook my head slightly! "Jesus!"  
"Well I should've known, after the way we got together I knew she was capable of it!"  
"You were seeing her before she broke up with Matt weren't you?" He bit his lip & nodded. I sighed, "Aw Dwayne! Man I'm so sorry!" I pulled him to me & this time he buried his face in my neck & squeezed me tightly. I thought he was going to let go & let it all out, instead he just sniffed, "Was it someone you knew?"  
"No! Never even seen the guy!"  
"Yeah well if I was that guy I don't think I'd wanna fess up to The Rock either!" I squeezed his muscely arm & he laughed.  
"Ok go on then! Go & have your shower!" he playfully punched my chin & I smiled.  
"You're a great guy Dwayne, one in a million ya know that? It's her loss!"  
"Yeah well it will be your unwanted gain if I have to get in that shower with you!" He winked.  
"Who said it would be unwanted?" I grinned.  
"Hey don't tempt me!" He swiped my shoulder, "It's been a 6 week dry spell for the big fella y'know!" He smiled.  
"Aw well it won't be for long that I'm sure of!" I kissed his cheek.  
"Why are you offering?" He wiggled his eyebrows.  
"Yeah, in your dreams Rocky!" I sniggered & went to get my shower!  
The hot water felt good & I closed my eyes & just stood letting it wash over me. I couldn't believe everything that had happened in the last 24 hours! Shannon was in hospital, Dwayne & Sasha's marriages were on the rocks, me & Jeff were still totally unfathomable and here I was going home! My head was spinning just thinking about it! Then there was Matt! I knew he'd been there even though I didn't actually see him I could smell him & I could damn sure feel him! That feeling will never leave me for as long as I live! It was the weirdest & most spiritual thing I'd ever felt & it just blew me away! I felt so much better too, as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders & I felt lighter somehow!  
When I got out of the shower it was 6:20am so I decided to call Shane O. First step in getting my life back on track!  
"Shane! Yeah hi it's Bec! I'm sorry it's so early!"  
"Hey not a problem! Have you decided about the job?"  
"Well yes & no! See thing is Shane I was wondering if there was any way I could do that job from ah the UK?"  
"England?" he sounded shocked!  
"Yeah! I need to go home Shane! If it's not possible then erm I'm gonna have to decline, I'm really sorry!"  
I heard him draw a breath through his teeth, "England huh? Well erm….ok leave it with me & I'll see what I can do but I can't promise anything! We're talking London I presume?"  
"Yeah thanks Shane! Oh & I need to call in a favour!" I bit on my lip.  
"Shoot! I'll help if I can!"  
"I need a plane ticket back home….today & I was wondering if…"  
"Not a problem! I'll get on it! Erm are we talking return or……."  
"No Shane, just one way, I'm not coming back!"  
"Oh right!" He paused, "Ok hun I'll be over in a couple of hours & I'll find out about the job too ok?"  
"Shane you are a hero!"  
"Yeah yeah!" He laughed, "I'll see you in a little while!"  
"Bye!" I hung up the phone & puffed out my cheeks.  
"You're leaving?"  
I jumped & whirled around, Jeff was standing behind me, he'd heard everything I'd said to Shane! That wasn't the way I'd wanted him to find out! I nodded slowly not sure of what to say!  
"And I can't stop you this time can I?"  
"No!"  
"I'm sorry! About last night! It was just the drink!"  
"It doesn't matter! Forget about it! It's over & done with!" Jeff hung his head. "How do you feel this morning?" I said trying to lighten the mood a little.  
"Like a bastard!" He shrugged his shoulders, "Like a complete fucking bastard!" he sniffed.  
"Oh Jeff don't!" I put my arms around him & held him close while he cried.  
"I didn't mean it Bec, don't go!"  
I released my grip on him & lifted his chin so we were face to face. "I have to go Jeff!" I wiped his cheeks with my hands & held his face, "I have to!" I kissed him softly & he responded, holding me tightly as his tongue gently explored my mouth. When we parted he put his forehead on mine & ran his hand through my hair.  
"Why can't it just work?" He whispered.  
I shook my head, "I don't know Jeff! I'm sorry!"  
Jude started crying & I took a step towards the bedroom door but he stopped me. "Let me, please…..I…….I wanna spend some time with him!"  
"Ok!" I stood back & watched him go into the bedroom. God this was even harder than I imagined it would be! 


	80. Chapter 80

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 80  
  
A couple of hours later Betty & Sasha helped me pack the few bits & pieces that I was going to take with me. I don't think any of us had quite taken in the events of the previous night & we didn't talk much at all. When we were done we piled the four bags into the corner of the room & went back downstairs to wait for Shane. There was a guy fixing the broken back door for Gilbert & upon further inspection I saw it was John from Edbrook so I made him a coffee.  
"What is it with you and glass?" He smiled at me & I forced a smile back & sat down with the girls.  
"Well I guess I should go & get the kids & get my stuff over to mums!" Sasha & I looked at each other.  
"Oh right. Well um…" I stood up, "I guess I'll see ya then!"  
Sasha put her arms around me & we both cried. "Keep in touch ok? I want a phone call at least once a week!" she smiled & wiped her face.  
"Yeah!" I sniffed, "And you can bring the kids over for holidays!"  
"I'll take you up on that!" She smiled, "Jesus I can't believe you're really leaving!" She hugged me again as Shane squeezed past John, looking him up & down. "Right I'm going! I hate goodbyes!" Sasha wiped her face again, "Take care of yourself hun!" She smiled & I watched her leave.  
"What's wrong with the door?" Shane asked.  
"Oh it's a long story! Did you manage with the erm…"  
"Oh yeah! No worries!" he reached into his inside pocket & pulled out my plane ticket, "Sent a bike over to pick it up for ya!"  
"Oh you needn't have gone to all that trouble!"  
"Leaves at 3pm is that ok?" he put the ticket in my hand.  
"Yeah that's…..that's great Shane, thankyou so much! I'll pay you back as soon as I get…"  
"No you won't! Besides Vince paid for it! He doesn't KNOW he paid for it but he won't even notice!" he winked. "And about the other thing, " he looked at Betty then back at me, typical businessman! All cloak & dagger! I smiled.  
"That's ok! Betty can hear it!"  
"Oh right!" he smiled, "Well it is possible but it's not going to be easy to set up, so I'm gonna have to call you in a day or two!"  
"That's great!" I smiled & scribbled down my parent's phone number for him.  
"Right well….I guess this is it then huh?"  
I gulped, "I guess so!"  
"Well I'm gonna miss you!" he hugged me & then held me at arms length, "If you even need anything…..anything at all you call me ok?" I nodded, "ANYTHING got it? I mean one day you might need a plane ticket……say to America?" he smiled & I laughed & hugged him. There was a few tears as he left.  
Chris wandered in drying his hair on a towel, "You about ready?" He put a hand on Betty's shoulder & she nodded. "Ok you!" he hugged me, "Take care & don't be a stranger ok?"  
"You too! And look after that one or I'll be coming to kick your ass!"  
Betty stood up & hugged me & we both started crying, "Same goes for me as goes for Sash! I Want a phone call every week ok?" I nodded & hugged her again, "I'm gonna miss you!" She sniffed.  
"Yeah like a hole in the head I know!" I forced a smile, "Now go on get out of here!"  
She found Andrew & they left, I felt numb, empty somehow! I still couldn't believe I was actually going through with this! The ticket was on the table & I ran my fingers over it & sighed. There was someone I still needed to say goodbye to before I left. I grabbed my jacket & headed off to the cemetery.  
  
***  
  
I got back an hour later & Jeff & Gilbert were in the kitchen, Gilbert had Jude in his arms. When he saw me come in he handed the baby to Jeff & hugged me.  
"I'm not very good at this goodbye crap!" he said over my shoulder, "I just want you to know there's a home here for you & Jude whenever you want it ok?"  
"Thankyou! For everything!"   
He looked over at Jeff, "Well give him here & I'll leave you two for a while!" He took Jude from Jeff's arms & went into the living room, we just stood & looked at each other.  
"Don't do this Bec! Don't go!"  
"I have to! Don't make this any harder than it already is!"  
He hung his head, "I'm sorry! The way things turned out I…"  
I went to him & put my arms around his neck, "It's not your fault!" I whispered. He folded his arms around my back & buried his face in my hair, "I'm gonna miss you so much Jeff!" I sobbed on his shoulder.  
"Yeah!" He sniffed, "I'm gonna miss you more than you will ever know!" he squeezed me tightly, "Oh Jesus just stay! I can't do this! I can't say goodbye to you and Jude!"  
"I can't!" I looked him in the eye & he put his hand on my cheek, "I can't stay!" I closed my eyes & felt his lips on mine.  
"I love you!" He kissed me again, "I love you!"  
"I love you too!" I pressed my lips on his & we stayed like that for quite some time!  
"The cab's here!" Gilbert said as he walked into the kitchen. We didn't stop kissing, I couldn't seem to move away from him. "Come on!" Gilbert touched Jeff's shoulder & he broke the kiss. I unwrapped my arms from around him & went upstairs to get my bags while Jeff & Gilbert said goodbye to Jude.  
Even as I was getting into the cab Jeff was asking me to stay! I cried all the way to the airport.  
  
Before I knew it I was home, well I was in England anyway. It felt too alien to call home now, I'd been away for so long that it felt like I no longer belonged there, my stomach was in knots & my heart ached. The first couple of weeks were a living hell & I cried myself to sleep every night! I didn't want to be there & yet I felt like a stranger in Cameron aswell, I was just lost. I didn't belong anywhere any more. 


	81. Chapter 81

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 81  
  
Shane wasn't able to swing it with Vince to let me train in England but he was determined & 2 weeks after my plane landed he called to ask me if I knew anything about working in admin! I reluctantly accepted his offer although it wasn't exactly what I wanted, but hell it was a job with a regular pay check & I couldn't afford to refuse it!  
I hated living back with my parents, they drove me crazy! Mum meant well & I know it was hard for her to adjust to having me back in the house again after I'd been away for so long but all the same some days I could have quite easily swung for her! Of course both my parents were fantastic with Jude, same goes for the rest of my family, they all doted on him, but he wasn't a happy little baby! He was unsettled, hell I'd just dragged the poor lil' guy halfway around the world so I couldn't expect any other! He belonged in Cameron, that was something I was sure of! Instead here he was growing up in a prissy little street in a London suberb in the cold, damp miserable country I'd disliked so much for most of my life! I couldn't believe I'd done it to him & I was pretty sure he'd resent me for it when he was old enough to understand!  
As I said, those first few weeks were hell! I had to get used to everything all over again, the people, the accents, the money, even a simple shopping trip left me feeling drained! Everything was so much hard work & I was starting to wonder if it was all worth it!  
So, I got the job in the WWE offices in London! I got myself some suits, an old clapped out Ford Fiesta & eventually, after persuading my father to lend me the money for the deposit, I got an appartment, or should I say a flat! (God even the British words for everything sounded dank & depressing!)  
Over the first few months I stayed in touch with Betty & Sasha all the time! Gilbert called me at least once a week & Dwayne too (in fact I could never get Dwayne OFF the phone actually but I was greatful that he gave a damn!) Jeff called me........twice! That was it! Twice in just over 3 months & both those times niether one of us said all that much! After all, there was nothing more to be said.......thanks for the memories!  
I started to go out for drinks quite often with some people from work. Just maybe once a week to begin with, that turned into 2 or 3.....Jude was left with my Mum or my sister while I went out & had what I'd convinced myself was a life! I went out & laughed along with unfunny jokes & drank with 'friends' that I didn't even like! They were all false & if I'd been honest with myself I'd have seen straight through them, but I was too busy getting wasted to even care!  
One sunday we'd all gathered at my parent's house for the traditional shitty sunday lunch! I'd arrived late as was the norm, looking like shit with traces of the previous night's make up still visable on my face! Jude was there already as he'd stayed over the night before, which was also the norm, but I was having a hard time with him! I gave him a quick kiss on his head but everytime I looked at him I saw Matt & it hurt too much! I didn't admit that to myself for a long while! I was missing him growing up but I was too much of an asshole to realise it at the time!   
Everyone was sitting at the table & they all looked up as I walked in. Mum scowled at me & took my plate of lunch from the oven, banging it down on the table infront of me. My sisters kids ran riot in the living room, screaming & running around like idiots! God how I hated Sundays!  
"Sorry I'm late."  
"Again!" Dad mumbled between mouthfuls.  
I sat down & stared at the plate of food infront of me, "Y'know I'm not that hungry, will you excuse me please?" I went out into the back garden & lit a cigarette.  
"You don't eat much these days!" My sister, Karen came out & stood beside me.  
"I said I'm not hungry that's all!"  
"Are you taking Jude back tonight?"  
"I can't Karen! I'm working tomorrow!"  
"What's goin' on Bec? I mean what the fuck has gotten into you lately?"  
"Nothing! Jesus get off my fucking case kaggie! Don't start!" I carried on smoking my cigarette staring out across the perfectly green & perfectly square lawn!  
"Are you on drugs?"  
I closed my eyes & turned my face away, "What do you reckon?" I Sniggered.  
"I don't know! That's why I'm asking you!"  
"No I'm not on drugs Karen! Do you really think I'd be that stupid?"  
"Probably!"  
"Thanks! Thankyou very fucking much SIS!"  
"What do you expect us to think the way you've been acting?" She hissed at me. "You're never home, you go out clubbing, roll in at God knows what time and then there's guys all the...."  
"GUYS?" I squealed at her, "Ok Karen I've been with 2 guys since I got back here! Am I expected to be a fucking nun? what?" Jesus you are some piece of work ya know that?"  
"Ok 2 guys.....where are they now?" I shrugged my shoulders, "Who were they anyway? Do you even know?"  
"No I don't know because I'm a whore!"  
"Oh for God's sake grow up Bec!"  
"I did know who they were for your information! Not that it has anything to do with you the way I chose to live my life!"  
"Oh it has everything to do with me when I have your kid 4 nights out of 7! I mean Jesus Bec I do have a life of my own y'know?"  
"Oh yeah? What life? Bingo? The fucking social club? woooo Karen! Livin it up!"  
"You need help! You went to America & came back a bitch Rebecca!" I laughed at her, "We used to be close! I just don't know what's happened to you! No one can even talk to you anymore!"  
"Life happened to me my dear sister! Life!" I said sarcastically.  
"You can't go on like this Bec! You've got a child!" I rolled my eyes & threw my cigarette end into a plant pot, "Listen to me!" she turned me to face her, "That baby needs his mother! Jesus this sort of behaviour is fine when you're a teenager, no ties, nothing better to spend your money on so you go out & piss it all away! But you aren't a teenager anymore Bec!" She paused, "Look at him, he has no father & now you're gonna deny him a mother aswell!"  
"You fucking bitch!"  
We stared at each other for a few seconds beofre I stormed into the house via the back door, grabbed my jacket & stormed out of the house via the front door!  
Twice that night I picked up the phone to call Jeff and twice I dialled half of his number.......and twice I hung up! Even if I'd called him what would we have said? I missed him so much it hurt & yet I had nothing to say to him, there was no point!  
Next day I arrived at my desk to a huge pile of papers & an urgent message to call Shane! All eyes were on me as I sat down so I presumed everyone had read the message! I shuffled through the pile of papers & a couple of girls wheeled their chairs over to my desk, girls that I went out with on a regular basis yet they knew nothing about me, I'd made sure of that! I looked up & smiled then continued to sort through the usual crap that always seemed to end up on my desk!  
"So, how come you get a message to call Shane McMahon?"  
I looked up, "Oh erm I have no idea!" I shrugged my shoulders & carried on looking through the papers. Raw ratings to post on the internet, new tallent promotional interviews.......  
"Do you know why he called you then?" the other girl said.  
"Um no! I guess I'll have to call him back to find out!" I smiled.  
(Rosta changes, promotional t-shit ads.....)  
"Do you actually know him? I mean have you ever met him?"  
"OOOOH I did!" the other girl said & they both giggled. "He came into the office this one time & he was really nice! I'm talking phwoorr!" The blonde one giggled.  
"Well I spoke to him on the phone once," the red headed one said, "And I just loooooove that accent! Man he sounded so sexy!" She squeaked! "So Bec, have you ever met him, I'm talking like in the flesh?" They both laughed.  
"Huh?" (Stocks & shares, injury announcements...) "Oh erm no! Never met the guy!" I lied.  
"Well aren't you going to call him & find out what he wants?"  
"In a little whi....." There in my hands was a piece of paper with the blue & white "Smackdown" logo across the top. 'TOUR DE FORCE COMMING TO ENGLAND!' There was a memo attatched to it telling me which newspapers I needed to send the announcement to but I just turned it to the back & dropped the rest of the papers on my desk. The girls continued to talk but they were just a distant murmur as I scanned down the list of stars scheduled to appear.  
CONFIRMED:  
CHRIS BENOIT  
KURT ANGLE & TEAM ANGLE  
TORRIE WILSON  
BROCK LESNAR  
BILLY KIDMAN  
RHYNO  
HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN  
BRIAN KENDRICK (Oh Christ!)  
REY MYSTERIO  
BIG SHOW  
  
TO BE CONFIRMED:  
STEPHANIE MCMAHON  
SHANNON MOORE (my heart jumped!)  
LOS GUERREROS  
UNDERTAKER  
NATHEN JONES  
EDGE.  
I bit on my lip & realised that I had actually been looking for his name, subconciously praying his name would be on the list, and for what reason?  
"....and anyway they said she wasn't even that nice apparently!" The girls voives suddenly came back to me.  
"I have to erm...pop out! Cover for me!" I stood up & raced out of the door with the piece of paper still in my hand! 


	82. chapter 82

Lost Confused Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 82  
  
I went out of the building & lit a cigarette as I leaned my back against the wall & closed my eyes! This shouldn't matter, it shouldn't be making my pulse race & my hands shake! 'Get a grip girl!' I thought to myself as I inhaled deeply. But it did matter & my pulse was racing & I heard Sasha's words 'Twice off doesn't work!' Three times would be crazy & I knew it! '3rd time's the charm!' Adam's voice echoed through my head & I took another draw on my cigarette & exhaled slowly. 'It's fine if you can both handle it without getting involved!' Oh shut up Sasha! Always the voice of reason! Well I was tired of reason & I was tired of boredom!  
I went back inside & tried to act calm as I picked up the phone & dialed Shane's number. The rest of the office went silent & everyone seemed to stop what they were doing!  
"Shane McMahon please! Yes it's Rebecca…"  
"Bec! Hi! Shane's been waiting on your call!" Mirium, Shane's secretary said cheerfully, "How are you? How's the little one?" Without moving my head I glanced up to see everyone quickly turn away & find something to do when my eyes met theirs!  
"Oh erm….fine thankyou!" I said quietly.  
"Oh that's good! Ok well I'll put you through to Shane, one second!"  
The line beeped, "Bec! Hey how's it goin?"  
"H….hello Mr McMahon!"  
"Mr Mc……ah right it's like that huh?" Shane laughed.  
"Yes erm….sir!" I said nervously & he laughed again.  
"Ok, I get it, all eyes on the star pupil huh?"  
"That's correct!"  
"Oh Jesus!" He laughed, "How's it goin anyway? Ok?"  
"Yes!"  
"Job ok?" I remained silent, "Or not?"  
"Not much!"  
"Oh right! I know it's not what you want to do but believe me I'm still working on it!"  
"Thakyou Mr McMahon!"  
"Oh this is priceless!" he laughed.  
"Not really…SIR!" I said through clenched teeth!  
"I might just keep you on the phone all day!"  
"I don't think that would be a very good idea SIR!"  
"Ok I'm just teasing! What I called you for was, well have you had time to look through the days announcements yet?"  
"Yes I have indeed! I have the Smackdown schedule infront of me!"  
"Ah great! Well there's been some changes over night that I need you to correct before that goes out!"  
"Go ahead!" I grabbed a pen.  
"Ok, well Steph's in for definite!" I circled Stephanie's name on the list, "And Mark!" I circled The Undertaker's name, "Oh and he's bringing his wife so we may add her to the show, what do you think?"  
"Well there's not much point in putting her on the list, I would say save it, if she turns up it'll be an extra!"  
"Great idea! Anyway where was I?"  
"Steph…." I looked around me again, "…phanie and Undertaker!" I nervously hovered the pen above 'Edge' waiting for him to say the name!  
"Oh right well you can pen in Nathen too but make sure that the 'Subject To Change' clause is clearly visable because I don't know how that one is gonna work out just now!"  
"Yes sir! Is that all?"  
"For now yeah!" My heart sank, "Now about the Raw shows I wanted…"  
"R….Raw shows? There's gonna be Raw shows too?" I glanced up at all the enquiring eyes again! "Ahem erm sir?"  
"Yeah I thought you said you read your memos?" he laughed.  
"Hang on!" I rifled through all of the papers, knocking half of them onto the floor, "I can't find it!"  
"Ok I'll run through it now….or maybe I could call you at home later if that'll be easier?"  
"Yes please!" I heaved a sigh of relief!  
"Ok sweetheart! I'll call you tonight! Don't work too hard!" he laughed.  
"Ok thankyou sir! Goodbye!"  
I hung up the phone & about 2 seconds later half the office crowded around me desk!  
***   
When I got home that night I threw my purse onto the couch that was heaped with clothes that needed ironing, kicked off my shoes & opened a bottle of wine. I had to wash a glass, the place was a mess & I didn't care! I just couldn't be bothered! I ran a deep bubble bath & took my glass with me. How I ever lived like that I'll never know! I hadn't even picked up the mail from the floor infront of the door, I just stepped over it every night & ignored it! It was all bills anyway!  
After my bath I threw on my robe, refilled my glass, switched on the stereo, threw the heaped up clothes onto the floor & lounged on the sofa! I closed my eyes to block out the mess & chaos that surrounded me & I thought about what had happened that day! I'd managed to convince the rest of the girls at work that Shane McMahon calling me was just a fluke, he needed to talk to someone & my name was on his list, nothing more! They seemed to believe me thank God! I couldn't be bothered with their questioning, but if they found out the real me, well I dreaded to think about it! My life wouldn't be worth living! It was worse than being at school!  
The phone rang & snapped me back to reality!  
"Hello?"  
"Hey Bec it's Shane!"  
I'd totally forgotten he was calling! "Oh hey Shane!"  
"Ah are you ok?"  
"Ah yeah, y'know!"  
"Sorry about today! Are things THAT bad in the office?"  
"No not really, they just don't know anything about me & I'd kinda like to keep it that way!"  
"That's cool! I can understand that!"  
"Thanks! So you were gonna tell me about Raw!"  
"Oh yeah did you find the announcement?"  
"Nope! Never got it! God knows where it ended up!"  
"Ah ok! Well I have the list here if you want to write this down?"  
"No just tell me, is Chris coming?"  
"Jericho…..Jericho…..erm…yeah!"  
"Oh that's fantastic! Maybe Betty will come over with him!" I smiled.  
"Yeah! Erm don't you wanna ask about anyone else?"  
"Umm no that's all!"  
"Bec!"  
"What?"  
"Well don't you want to know if Jeff is coming?"  
"No." My stomach lurched at the mention of his name, yes I did want to know but I was trying to convince myself I didn't! "Jeff has his own life to live same as I do!" There was a knock on the door, "Besides, he hasn't called me in God knows how long!" I walked to the door with the cordless phone still in my hand.  
"Is that someone at your door?"  
"Yeah it's cool I got it!" I pulled the door open & Shane McMahon stood there with his cell phone to his ear, grinning like a school kid!  
"SURPRISE!!" 


	83. Chapter 83

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 83  
  
"SHANE!!" I stood there in complete shock with the phone still to my ear!  
"Well don't I even get a hug?" he put his bag down & held out his arms so I stepped forward & hugged him. "Thought I'd surprise you!" he smiled.  
"Wow! Erm you did that alright! Come in!" I walked in with Shane following behind me & I suddenly became conscious of the mess! I started to pick things up off the floor & kick shoes out of the way, "Oh please excuse the mess! I wasn't ah expecting anyone!"  
Shane stood & looked around with his hands crossed infront of him, "I can see that!" I continued to pick up clothes, empty bottles & take out cartons that littered the coffee table & I gathered them up into my arms & went into the kitchen to put them in the garbage!  
"Coffee? Or um I'm having a glass of wine if you'd like to join me?"  
"Yeah um wine would be good thanks!"  
"Sit down please!" I smiled nervously & pulled my robe tighter around me, "I'll erm just go & throw on some clothes! Won't be a second!" I went into the bedroom, closed the door & leaned my back against it! "SHIT!" I whispered to myself!  
Shane was in the kitchen at the sink when I'd gotten dressed & I saw he was washing up dirty crockery!  
"You needn't do that!"  
"Oh erm I couldn't find a glass! It's ok!"  
I blushed, "It's not usually like this I'm sorry! This week has been erm really hectic! I've hardly been home at all!" I smiled nervously.  
"We been working you too hard?"  
Way to go Bec! When all said and done this guy is your boss no matter how you happened to have met in the first place! "Oh no…no nothing I can't handle!" He dried a glass & poured himself some wine.   
"You didn't seem too happy on the phone?" He raised his eyebrows as we went into the living room.  
"It's not the job Shane, it's the people!" I sighed, "I just don't feel like I fit in somehow!"  
He nodded slowly then grabbed his bag, "What do you think of these?" he came & sat beside me & pulled out a huge pile of papers. Upon further inspection I saw that they were t shirt designs! I took them out of his hands & had a look through them.  
'And you want my opinion because?"  
"Just humor me!" he smiled.  
"Ok!" I studied some of them more closely, "Well you're not gonna sell many of these!" I picked out a shirt & showed him.  
"Why not?"  
"Because the picture is so old! Kurt doesn't even have hair any more! And besides that it's not a very flattering picture! I mean Kurt is so much….well hotter in real life!" I smiled & Shane rolled his eyes.  
"Ok. Go on! Who's next?"  
I flipped over the page, "Oh please, red?"  
"What?"  
"This is….well it's just not nice! I wouldn't wear it!"  
"So what colour would you suggest?"  
"Blue, definitely Smackdown blue!"  
"Smackdown blue!" Shane shook his head & laughed, "Ok carry on!"  
"Now this one I like! And that one's ok! I flicked through some more & stopped at the new Jeff Hardy shirt! I could tell Shane was measuring my reaction so I tried to remain professional & cleared my throat. "Hm…well don't the WWE have any other picture of Jeff?"  
Shane shuffled closer to me & peered at the picture, "What do you mean?"  
"Well this……it's well…..when was the last time you saw Jeff looking like that? And it seems to be on everything! I've seen it on posters, mugs, everywhere! People get bored easily Shane! They'll opt for something else or just not bother at all! Time for a change!"  
"Oh I need to use my imag-I-nation then?" Shane said, doing his best impression of a North Carolina accent & I laughed. Shane looked back at the picture, "I can see your point though!" I nodded & took a sip of my wine. "Anyway, " he dumped the pile of papers onto the floor & pulled out another lot. "This is the Smackdown tour promotional stuff. I'd like you to have a look!"  
"Shane what's goin on here?"  
"Just look, you'll be doing me a favour!" I sighed & took the papers from his hands & started to read through them. 'Is it ok if I order a take out? I'm starving!" Shane stood up.  
"Go for your life!" I gestured to the phone, "Whatever you feel like eating there will be a number for it under 'L' in the book!"  
"L?"  
"Yeah for 'Lazyitus meals!" I winked.  
I spread out the sheets of paper on the floor & sat cross legged while I studied them.  
"You up for a refill?" Shane waved his glass.  
"Hm yeah thanks!"  
"So, "he shouted from the kitchen, "What do you reckon?"  
"I think you've got it all wrong to be honest!"   
He wandered back through & handed me my glass. "How do you mean wrong?" He sat down beside me on the floor.  
"Well these TV shows for a start! Some of them….like here for example, you got Benoit on Richard & Judy! Have you SEEN their show?" Shane shook his head, "Well that's a no no! They're too straight laced, people who watch that show won't give a damn about a toothless wrestler! They'll just look past him, they'll think he's just a jock!" I grabbed a pen & put a line through it.  
"So who do we put on that show instead?"  
I looked down the list, "Ah ha!" I circled Stephanie's name! "That's a better option! Someone who's smart, good looking & knows her stuff! She'll blow them away!"  
"Ok, go on!"  
"Brock Lesnar on Parkinson?" I raised my eyebrows then shook my head, "Undertaker on Parkinson! You need Brock on the kids shows, the Saturday morning stuff like CDUK!"  
This conversation continued throughout the night, moving from TV, to radio, to magazines & newspapers. I even managed to screw up his promotional poster!  
"Ok so tell me what do we pay you for right now?"  
"Erm….you pay me to use the fax machine, telephone, I'm basically the messeger, I take from you & pass on to them! I'm paid to put up & shut up!" I laughed.  
"Not for much longer after tonight!"  
"I don't get ya?"  
"You seem to know a lot more than how to use a fax machine! I mean you know about the business!"  
"I was taught by the best! Matt was a fanatic before he was a wrestler!"  
Shane smiled, "Yeah they don't make em like Matt anymore! He taught you well!" he paused, "So work the rest of the week where you are now, hell call in sick all week I don't really care, but it will be just until I find you an office!" he started to gather up his papers.  
"Woah! Woah! Wait a minute! AN OFFICE?"  
"Yeah! How does…" he thought for a minute, "…..hmmm say 'Head Of Smackdown Promotional Team Europe' Sound to you?" I just stared at him wide eyed! "Ok come on Bec I was kidding about the title! But that'll be the job if you want it?"  
"You HAVE a European Smackdown Promotional Team?" I raised my eyebrows.  
"Well we do now!" Shane winked. 


	84. Chapter 84

Lost, confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 84  
  
I couldn't believe what I was hearing, Shane wanted to make me head of something! I'd never been head of anything in my entire life! I was a born follower not a born leader & I was scared to death of the offer he'd just made me!  
"It doesn't make sense Shane! I mean Jesus at least let me work my way up!!"  
"It would only be for a little while, until the Smackdown tour is over!"  
"And then what?"  
"And then we find you something else, anything more suitable for your talent than what you're doing right now!"  
"Such as what? Shane I don't mind telling you right now this is scaring the shit out of me!"  
Shane smiled & put his hand on my shoulder, "It'll be great, trust me!" I swallowed hard, "You are a born worrier ya know that?" He grinned, "Think of the challenge! Think of the carreer opportunity here! You can do this I know you can or I wouldn't be asking you! Listen I'm going to go back to the hotel, it's late, just tell me yes or no & I'll set the wheels in motion before I go back to America!"  
"God Shane I don't know! Maybe my life isn't ready for this right now!"  
"Maybe this is what your life needs right now Bec?" He raised his eyebrows & gently rubbed my shoulder.  
"But why? I mean why are you doing this? Why me?"  
"Because you can do it! You just proved my suspicions tonight!"  
"Yeah nothing to do with Matt or that you feel sorry for me? I'm not a charity case Shane!"  
"So do it for free then!" he winked, "Come on Bec yes or no?"  
One word, that's all it was going to take to change my life! One simple little word & I'd never have to go back to that office or those people with their false nails & false friendships! It would be so easy but I found it so hard! In America kids are taught that they can be anything they want to be! 'Mom I want to be President!' "Well honey that's just marvelous!' In England if you strive for success people knock you down! It's just the way things are! 'Mum I want to be Primeminister!' 'Oh that's nice dear now drink your tea!' We are brought up to be pessimistic, always the glass half empty! As soon as we have drive and ambition we are told not to be so ridiculous! Ok so I wasn't exactly running for office here but the principle was the same! Nothing this good happens to people like me, what's the catch?  
"What if I say yes & I can't do it? What if I screw everything up?"  
"I'm not asking you to do this on your own! You will have people check things before they go out, people that have done this sort of thing before although I don't think your work will ever be knocked back! Relax! Just say yes & leave the rest to me ok?" I nodded slowly, "Great! Well I will be in touch with the details! In the meantime go back to that office & give them hell!" He smiled, kissed my cheek & left me there in shock!  
The rest of the week past very slowly indeed! Friday came & I didn't think the day would ever end, but 5pm came around & everyone started to leave! I hadn't even told them I wasn't going back! They were all going to the pub but I declined, I hadn't been out all week, screw them! I just went home every night & opened a bottle of wine. Friday night was no different, until here was a knock on the door & there stood a guy with a clipboard!  
"Delivery for you miss!" he handed me the board & I signed it, "Where do you want all of it?"  
"All of what?"  
The guy stood back and 3 other guys walked past me in the doorway with huge boxes, dumped them in the living room, went back for 3 more then 3 more! I was completely confused. They left & I stared at all the boxes in my living room! There was a letter attatched to one so I ripped open the envelope.  
  
"BEC  
Couldn't get an office so the office is coming to you! Hope you don't mind! There will be some 'muscle' around in the morning to help you set it up! Call me if there's a problem!  
ShaneO xxx"  
  
"Jesus!" I put my hand to my head & stared at the boxes! I didn't even open them, I just finished off my bottle of wine & crashed out on the couch!  
I knew nothing more until 8am the next morning when I was woken by someone hammering on my door! My head hurt as I stood up to answer it & I ran a hand through my hair to try & tidy it up a little! If this was Shane's 'muscle' I wished he'd given me a couple of hours to tidy up a bit! God knows where they were going to set up this so called office, the flat was once again, a total mess!  
"I'm coming! I'm coming! Jesus no need to….." I opened the door, there was muscle outside alright but it wasn't what I'd expected in a million years! 


	85. Chapter 85

Lost, confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 85  
  
"HO-LY-SHIT!" I stood there with my jaw dropping & my eyes wide!  
"Well?" he held his arms wide & I just sort of fell into them!  
"Jesus!" I whispered, "Dwayne!"  
He laughed, "Thought I'd drop in on an old friend!" he kissed the top of my head.  
"Come in!" I ushered him in & then remembered the state of the flat! He stood & stared around at the clothes & empty glasses that were piled onto every available surface! "Excuse the mess!"  
"Who dropped the bomb?" He put his bags down on the floor & his hands on his hips, "Jesus Bec what's gotten into you? Where's the baby?"  
I rubbed my head, "He's at my parent's place…or um my sisters I'm not sure!"  
"Oh you forgot where you left him?" He raised his eyebrows, "Now are you sure because he could be in here somewhere & you just can't find him!"  
"No of course I didn't forget!"  
He turned me to face him & grabbed hold of my arms, "Look at you! What happened? You got skinny, your hair…" He lifted a few strands of my hair & studied it!  
"You woke me up! Jesus give a girl a chance!"  
"Shane wasn't exaggerating was he?"  
"Oh Shane! Right great! So you came so you could get in on the gossip huh?" I turned my face away.  
"Hey! Hey! Hey! This is me you're talking to here! I was worried about you! And it looks like I had cause for concern! What the hell is going on here? What? You on drugs?"  
I sighed, "NO!"  
"Well you're lucky it's me standing here & not Jeff! He was almost on the next plane when I told him what Shane had said!"  
"What the hell does Jeff care!"  
"Don't come that crap with me! You KNOW he cares! Jesus I'm glad I persuaded him not to come!"  
"Whatever!" I pulled my arms free of his grip, "If you've only come here to have a go at me then you can just fuck off!"  
"Oh that's nice! Real classy! I missed you too!"  
"Piss off Dwayne! I can't be bothered with your shit!"  
"What is this? The fucking Osbournes? What's with the attitude here?"  
"I get enough crap from my mother without you having a go! Jesus I haven't seen you in months & you…..you walk in here & pull the fucking Rock out at me!" I started to walk away & he caught hold of my arm gently.  
"Hey!"  
I turned around & he pulled me into his arms as I burst into tears!  
"I'm sorry!" I whispered.  
"Sshh….come on!" He stroked my hair & rocked me gently, "It's gonna be ok now! Dwayne's here to save the day!" he laughed, "Here's what we're gonna do! First off you're gonna go & have a shower, get yourself sorted out ok?" I nodded, "Then we're gonna sort out this place and then tomorrow we can go on over to your folks place & pick up the baby!"  
"I can't Dwayne!"  
"Yes you can! He's your son! He's Matt's son! Come on Bec he needs you!"  
"He's better off where he is!"  
"No he's better off with his mother!"  
"I can't! It's too hard!"  
"Why? Why is it too hard?" He held me at arms length.  
"Because….I see Matt every time I look at him! Every time I lay eyes on that little boy I see Matt & I can't handle it Dwayne!"  
"Shh it's ok!" He pulled me to him as I carried on sobbing, "Ok one thing at a time!" He kissed the top of my head.  
"I missed you so much!" I whispered through my tears.  
"Well that's good because I thought you might like a house mate for a few weeks!"  
I looked up at him, "A few weeks?" He nodded, "How come?"  
"Well because Rocky just got run over by a truck because Dwayne needed some time off!" He grinned, "So, while Rocky is recovering & Dwayne is chilling out he thought he'd come & stay with you until Rocky is ready to come back whoopin ass again, which by the way aint until Insurrextion!"  
"Man! God you can really stay that long? It's like 8 weeks away!"  
"8 weeks and 4 days to be precise but hey who's countin?" He winked, "So I'll stay if you want me to?"  
"Are you kidding me? I'd love you to stay!"  
"Well that settles it then! Go on, go get a shower!" I squeezed him tightly, "It's gonna be ok!" He lifted my chin, "Ya know I love ya right?" I nodded, "So I'd never steer you wrong would I?" I shook my head, "You & me babe! We're gonna take on the world!" he laughed & I smiled. "There see, a smile already! Johnson does it in record time! Now go on you stink!"  
"I love you too Dwayne!"  
"Yeah yeah! Who doesn't?" He winked & I shook my head & laughed.  
As I stood in the shower I thanked God I had Dwayne as a friend! I still couldn't believe he was here & he was gonna stay with me! I was the happiest I'd been in months! Dwayne was here & it was unreal! I started to believe maybe I could take on the world after all! 


	86. Chapter 86

Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")  
  
Chapter 86  
  
We spent most of the day cleaning up the flat & believe me when I say seeing Dwayne with a duster in his hand was priceless! He was great though & a few hours later the place was the cleanest it had ever been! We tried to go out for lunch but he was just mobbed everywhere we went so by dinner time we decided it would be safer to order a take out! He put a plate of Chinese food infront of me & I just looked at it!  
"Eat it!"  
"I'm not hungry!"  
"You've hardly eaten a thing all day!"  
"I'll eat when I'm hungry!" I stood up & took a bottle of wine from the fridge. He eyed it as he ate his food. "What? I'm only having 1 glass!"  
"I didn't say anything!"   
"Hmm!" I poured a glass & excused myself so I could have a cigarette in the living room. I put the stereo on, kicked off my shoes & curled up on the couch. 5 minutes later Dwayne came in & sat beside me. He put his feet up on the table, leaned back & closed his eyes.  
"So tell me, what's been going on in your world?" I folded my legs up under me & he opened one eye.  
"Oh same old shit!" he smiled, "Betty chewing Chris' face off every time I turn around! Shane throwing a blue fit every 5 minutes & I get beat up for a living! How about you?"  
I smiled, "I haven't heard from Betty in a couple of weeks! Is she on the road a lot then?"  
"All the time! She quit her job!"  
"You're kidding me?"  
"Nope!" He smiled, "She looks after the kids on the road, y'know the crew's kids n stuff?"  
"Wow! That's awesome!" I giggled, "She must be too busy to call me I guess! It's great that things are working out for her & Chris though!"  
"Yeah it is!" he smiled.  
I sighed, "Ok so what about Jeff then?"  
"I was waiting for that one!" he grinned, "Took you long enough!"  
"Whatever!" I stood up & went to fill my glass.  
"That's two glasses!" he shouted & I flipped him off behind his head! "Jeff's ok! A bit quiet but he's doing ok!"  
"That's good to know!" I sat back down.  
"Call him!"  
"No way!" I laughed & he shook his head.  
"I'll never figure it out as long as I live!"  
"There's nothing to figure!"  
  
A couple of hours & the full bottle of wine later we were still talking. I ended up on the subject of me & Matt, I'd had too much to drink & I told him about Mick causing the accident!  
"……so that's why I can't be with Jeff! Mick will kill him, just like he did with Matt!"  
"Mick is dead!"  
"Haven't you been listening to a thing I've said?" I drained my glass & went back into the kitchen for another bottle. As I turned around with an unopened bottle of wine in my hand he took it off me.  
"You've had quite enough of that if you think you're being haunted!" He put it down on the counter.  
"It's the truth! I'll tell you again tomorrow when I'm sober!"  
"Yeah yeah!" He bent down to get a bottle of water from the fridge & I don't know what possessed me but I ran my hands slowly over his ass! He cleared his throat, grabbed the water & stood up, banging his head on the roof of the fridge & I smiled. "You might not want to do that right now!" he smiled nervously.  
'Why not?" I took the water from his hand & put it on the counter as I curled my fingers around his.  
He swallowed hard, "It's not a very ah good idea that's all!" he coughed again. He untangled his hand from mine & went into the living room so I followed him & caught hold of his arm before he sat down. He turned to look at me & I put my arms around his neck & pulled him down to my height so I could kiss him. He turned his face away. "Bec come on! You've had too much to drink aaaaaaaaaand….." he jumped back as I rubbed my hand on the front of his pants & felt him stiffen at my touch. He took a deep breath, "Stop it! Come on Bec!"  
"Why?" I kissed his neck & started to unbutton his shirt, tracing my fingers over his hard, muscely chest lightly, feeling the goose bumps on his skin & getting more & more turned on by the second!  
"It's….it's not…" he took a deep breath as I traced my fingers around the rim of his pants, "Jesus!" he puffed out his cheeks, "You don't make it easy on a guy do ya?" he said to himself, "No! Come on! This isn't right!" I pulled his head back down to my height once again & kissed his lips & at first he didn't open his mouth, "Mmm…" I kissed him again, "Mmmmm…Bec stop!" I rubbed my hand on his errection & felt his arms slowly fold around my back & he gave in. His mouth opened & our tongues entwined as he gently pulled on my hair & I continued to rub the front of his pants. He groaned as I thrust my tongue deeper into his mouth & he responded by doing the same. His kiss was hard & deep & I wanted him regardless of the consequences. I slipped my hand down into his pants & he gasped as he kissed me & his arms tightened around me so that I had no choice but to pull my hand out, I couldn't move he held me so tight! We fell back onto the couch, my head was spinning & my heart was racing as I kissed his neck roughly & heard him gasp for breath in my ear. I felt his hand squeeze my breast, he put his hand up my top and I got goosebumps at the feel of his flesh on mine. I undid his belt.  
"No! Stop it!" He moved me off him & sat up, "Shit!"  
"What?"  
"Bec no! This is wrong! SHIT!" He put his head in his hands, "We can't do this! You & me…SHIT!" he stood up & fastened his belt.  
"What did I do?" I sat on the edge of the couch bewildered!  
He put his hand to his head & puffed out his cheeks, "Sweetheart…' he knelt down between my legs & touched my cheek, "Jesus that would have been so easy!" he smiled, he was still breathless.  
"Then why wasn't it?"  
"You really wanna have sex? Have sex & screw up everything we have? This is me & you Bec! Jesus!" He shook his head.  
"It wouldn't screw everything up!" I held his face in my hands & he let me kiss him again for a few seconds.  
"MM..babe no come on!" he pushed me back. "It's not that I don't WANT to SHIT!" he rolled his eyes & stood up, "DAMN!" he rubbed his face. His shirt flapped open revealing his perfectly toned, golden chest & his errection was clearly visable beneath his pants. "DAMMIT!" he shook his head, put one hand on his hip & the other to his head & turned his back to me. I stood up & turned him back to face me. "We just can't screw up what we have for one night Bec!"  
I ran my hand down his chest & he closed his eyes, "It doesn't have to be just one night!"  
I put both of my hands on his shoulders & slipped his shirt to the floor as I caressed his back & he stood there breathing heavily. He opened his eyes & grabbed hold of both of my arms. "NO!" he squeezed my hands. "No ok? Just no!" We looked into each other's eyes, "I know how you feel about Jeff, Jesus! It would be so easy, too easy Bec believe me! We just can't ok?" I stared at him, "OK?"  
"Ok!" I said quietly & the reality of what I'd just done hit me & I bit on my lip as the tears welled up in my eyes.  
"Oh hey come on!" He pulled me into his arms & I leaned my head against his naked chest, "It's ok!"  
"I'm sorry!" I sniffed, "I feel like such an idiot!"  
"You're not an idiot! I'm the idiot here!" He sighed & ran his hand through my hair, "Total fucking idiot! I must be ill or something!"  
I laughed through my tears & looked up at him, "I'm sorry!"  
"Don't be sorry! It….well it could have been great….you & me like that y'know? But just…" he sighed, "Not in this lifetime ok?"  
I nodded, "Are you still going to stay?  
"Do you want me to?"  
"Yes!"  
"Then I'm staying!" he hugged me again, "Now go on get to bed! We'll talk tomorrow! I think I've got a bit of business to attend to!" He winked & I laughed again. He kissed the top of my head & squeezed me, "Oh babe!" he whispered, "If only!" He rocked me gently.  
I eventually let go of him & went to my room. Why was my life such a bitch? 


	87. Chapter 87

Lost, Confused, Unkind  
  
Chapter 87  
  
When I opened my eyes the next morning my head felt like it was about to explode! I groaned and rolled over, burying my face into the pillow & then I remembered! My eyes shot open & I sat bolt upright in bed. "Oh my God!" I whispered as I put a hand to my head. Surely I must have dreamed it? I wouldn't have made a pass at Dwayne! I thought for a few minutes & realized it wasn't a dream, I'd actually done it! I'd made a complete fool of myself & now I had to go out there & face him! My stomach was in knots as I slid out of bed, grabbed my robe & headed to the door. As I opened it I could hear him singing 'Brown Eyed Girl', well at least he was still here! Slowly I shuffled into the living room, he was unpacking all the boxes that Shane had had delivered & singing to himself. He hadn't noticed me standing there so I cleared my throat & he looked up.  
"Oh hey!"  
"Hi!" I looked at my feet, "You needn't do that I'll um see to it later!"  
"It's ok I don't mind!" he smiled, "You want a coffee?"  
"I'll make it! You want one?"  
"Yeah please!"  
I forced a smile & went into the kitchen & heaved a sigh of relief! It was strained, not like me & Dwayne at all & I thought I'd blown it altogether! I started to make the coffee & I felt his arms slide around my waist. I jumped, "Shit!" He laughed & squeezed me! "I'm sorry Dwayne!"  
"It's ok!"  
"No it isn't! God I feel so stupid!" I blushed & he turned me to face him.  
"It's ok! Forget about it!"  
"I made such a fool of myself! It was the drink!"  
"Hey come on!" He hugged me but I felt awkward & ashamed. "It's fine! We're ok right?"  
"Um yeah!"  
"Good or I might have had to pull the Rock out on you!" He smiled & held me at arms length. He raised his eyebrows at me, "I said I'd have to pull the Rock out at ya?"  
"What?"  
"Then you say..?"  
I was confused at first but then I realized what he was trying to do! "Then I say as long as that's all you're gonna pull out on me!"  
"There you go!" He hugged me again. "Told ya! We're fine!" He laughed & I did the same.  
"Thankyou D!" I smiled.  
"Mind you I can't say that I blame ya!"  
"Excuse me?"  
"Well I mean just look at me!" He stood back & held his arms out to the sides, "Who wouldn't?"  
I rolled my eyes, "Full of yourself Johnson!" I laughed.  
He put his thumb under my chin, "There now aint that better?" I nodded & smiled, "Ok now get out of here & get some clothes on before I change my mind!" He winked.  
I looked into his eyes, "In your dreams Rocky!" I said quietly.  
"Always!" He whispered & kissed the end of my nose! I felt so much better, not 100% but it was a start! He could have made things much worse, but not Dwayne! He was one in a million! As I looked into his eyes I thought maybe it wouldn't have been such a bad thing after all! Maybe in another life!  
We spent most of the day trying to put together the 'mini office'! The furniture we managed but there just seemed to be too many cables to set up the computer, in the end I had to call Shane who sent some guys over to sort it out for me! Once it was done we flopped onto the couch exhausted!  
"So when do you start work then?"  
I shrugged my shoulders, "I don't even know what I'm meant to be doing yet!"  
He nodded slowly & looked over at the desk, filing cabinet and various other bits & pieces that were now set up in the corner of my living room. "You might wanna get one of those room divider thingy's or Jude is gonna have a field day with all those wires!"  
I gulped, "You want a coffee?" I stood up.  
"When should we go & pick him up then?" He said, ignoring my question. I just shrugged my shoulders & went into the kitchen. "I get the feeling you're avoiding the subject?" He said as he followed me in.  
"I'm not avoiding the subject at all it just wouldn't be very practical to bring him back here when I'm just about to start my new job! Do you want a coffee or not?"  
"Y'know what you told me last night, about Mick…"  
"It was the drink!"  
"Ah right! Thought so, because you know that's not possible right?" He folded his arms across his chest & leaned on the doorframe, "I mean if that is your genuine excuse for leaving Jeff then it's a lame one!"  
"I never 'left' Jeff! If you recall we were never 'together' for me to 'leave' him! I left Cameron not Jeff!"  
"Well if that's what you want to believe then…."  
"It's the truth! Do you want a coffee?" I was losing patience with him!  
"There's a name for all of this y'know?"  
"All of what?" I snapped.  
"This! You drinking, letting your house go to shit, not wanting to see your baby……seeing ghosts!"  
I rolled my eyes, "Get over it! I said it was the drink!"  
He shook his head, "No see I don't believe it was!"  
"Ok then 'Dr frigging Johnson' what's your opinion?" I folded my arms across my chest defensively.  
"Post natal depression!"  
"Oh for God's sake not you aswell! Dwayne I'm not depressed for fucks sake! I get enough of that shit from my mother & Sasha!"  
"Ah right, smart women!"  
"It's not depression! LOOK!" I grinned at him sarcastically & pointed to my mouth, "See I'm not depressed! I'm fine! NOW DO YOU WANT A COFFEE?"  
"No, I want you to see a doctor! Shane wants you to see a doctor & I'm damn sure Sasha & your mother would want you to see a doctor aswell!"  
"What the hell does Shane know about this?"  
"Well he saw it first hand now didn't he? He's worried about you! We all are!"  
"Oh right I get it now!" I put a hand to my head, "Send good old Dwayne in to sort out the psycho!"  
"Damn right! Except nobody sent me Bec! I came here because you're a friend & I believe you need some help!"  
"I don't need to see a quack Dwayne!"  
"What harm would it do?" He put his hand on my arm, "Let him tell you you're fine, prove us wrong! But just go ok? Just go & we'll all shut the hell up! OK?" I sighed & looked at my feet, "OK?"  
"You think I'm crazy but I'm not! I know what I've seen! I thought you would understand but this was the reason I didn't tell Matt! You all just think I'm losing the plot!"  
Dwayne blinked, "Woah back up about 2 years here! Didn't tell Matt what? Are we talking about Mick again?"  
"Yes! He was there Dwayne & I'm not crazy!"  
"I thought you said that was the drink?"  
I closed my eyes! Now I'd done it! I could see it in his eyes that he thought I was insane! "I saw him!" I whispered & tears welled up in my eyes. "Matt tried to miss him!" I sniffed, "He was in the road Dwayne don't look at me like that I swear it's the truth!"  
"Ok! Ok!" He hugged me & I started to cry. "Please tell me you'll see a doctor? Please Bec?" He kissed the top of my head. "Please?" He whispered. 


	88. Chapter 88

Lost confused, Unkind  
  
Chapter 88  
  
I reluctantly made an appointment to see a doctor, my intention being   
  
to go on my own & just not show up! Go home & tell everyone that I   
  
was fine & they had no cause for concern! But I soon learned that   
  
Dwayne was in league with my mother & the morning of the appointment   
  
my sister showed up on my doorstep! I had no choice but to go so I   
  
decided I would just fill the doctor full of shit about getting   
  
headaches…….no such luck! Karen made such a fuss in reception about   
  
coming in with me that in the end I had to give in! I was trapped! I   
  
had to tell him!  
  
Half an hour later I was told I was suffering from post natal   
  
depression & a post traumatic disorder, even though I'd lost Matt   
  
almost 2 years ago, because I hadn't gone to counceling at the time   
  
the doctor believed that's what it was! Now I had pills and a   
  
psychiatrist appointment! Way cool! Not only was I a fruit loop, I   
  
was a depressed fruit loop! Ah it never rains……!  
  
The pills knocked me for 6 for the first few days & I spent most of   
  
that time in bed or lounging on the sofa! One day after I'd had a nap   
  
I dragged myself out of bed & went into the living room to hear   
  
Dwayne on the phone.  
  
"Yeah she sleeps a lot! The pills are knocking her out but the doc   
  
says that will pass in a week or so!" I stood back in the doorway so   
  
I could listen."Well yeah I think it's for the best too! Once the   
  
pills get into her system…." Who the hell was he talking to? "He's   
  
fine! He's over at Bec's parents house right now! I don't know how   
  
long for, until she gets sorted out I guess!" So it wasn't my mother   
  
or my sister! Maybe it was Shane wondering when I can start   
  
work? "Well her appointment is tomorrow so hopefully…..yeah I know it   
  
is dude! No that won't do any good at all! It'll just make things   
  
worse trust me here ok? I'll look after her I promise!" I couldn't   
  
stand it any longer! I strode into the living room.  
  
"Who are you talking to?"  
  
"Oh er I have to ah go…"  
  
I grabbed the phone from his hand, "Hello? Who is this?" There was a   
  
silence, "Hello?"  
  
"Hi!" A voice said quietly.   
  
I glanced up at Dwayne who gulped & stared at me! "Jeff?"  
  
"Yeah hi!"  
  
"Oh um hi!"  
  
"H…how are you?"  
  
I took a deep breath & closed my eyes, the sound of his voice after   
  
so long made my heart race! "Well y'know….I guess um Dwayne will have   
  
told you the most of it!"  
  
"Oh yeah!"  
  
Silence & I looked up at Dwayne again who was still staring at   
  
me! "Well….I guess I'd ah better go then"  
  
"Do you need me to come over?"  
  
"No!" I closed my eyes again & put a hand to my forehead.  
  
"Bec if you need me I'm there ok?" There was a lump in my throat & I   
  
couldn't speak. "Just say the word & I'm there!" Tears welled up in   
  
my eyes but I still couldn't speak! "I….." he sighed, "I ah…." I   
  
quickly passed the phone to Dwayne & ran back to my room! I threw   
  
myself on the bed & sobbed into my pillow, I couldn't handle what I   
  
thought he was going to say, not now! The idea that I'd ran away from   
  
probably the best thing to happen to my life all because I'd been   
  
crazy,fucked in the head, seeing ghosts? It was killing me! I was   
  
insane,can you imagine how it felt to realize that? It's one thing to   
  
be crazy, but to be crazy & know you're crazy & try to control it was   
  
a whole other emotion! Do crazy people ever get `un-crazy'? Do insane   
  
people ever really get sane again? What if it was gonna be like this   
  
forever? What if everytime I turned a corner Mick was there grinning   
  
at me? And the biggest question buzzing through my fucked up mind was   
  
if I was crazy, how the hell did Matt crash the car? The only answer   
  
my fucked up mind could come up with broke my heart! I'd seen Mick in   
  
the headlights, now did I scream before Matt turned the wheel or did   
  
he turn the wheel because I'd screamed? If Mick was a figment of my   
  
imagination then……….I'd killed Matt! I wanted to die! At the   
  
realization of what I'd done I actually screamed `NO!" I was standing   
  
in the middle of my room screaming & clutching at my head! I fell to   
  
my knees sobbing as Dwayne ran into my room, knelt down infront of me   
  
& pulled me into his arms!  
  
"Sssh come on! Calm down!" He rocked me but I couldn't stop the   
  
screams escaping my throat! I was shaking & tearing at my hair…….and   
  
then I blacked out! 


	89. Chapter 89

Lost confused Unkind   
  
Chapter 89  
  
I don't remember much about the next couple of weeks. It's frightening to think that doctors can give you pills that completely erase segments of your life! For 2 entire weeks all I can remember is fragments of words or faces peering down at me & I don't know what was real & what I was imagining! I remember feeling like I wanted to sleep, my eyes wouldn't open but I liked it that way, it felt good. I dreamed about Matt, that much I know wasn't real! I kept saying sorry to him & he was confused, didn't understand why I was so upset & I couldn't explain it to him! It was so frustrating but I couldn't get any words out only tears! He held me & stroked my hair, all the time telling me not to cry, everything was going to be ok! He kissed me, God it was so real I just wanted to stay there with him! He said, "The baby's crying do you want me to look after him?" I just nodded and he took hold of my arms, "Are you sure? Do you want me to take him?"  
  
"Yes!" I said through my tears. He smiled at me & touched my face & then as he turned to walk away he said something really weird!  
  
"You'll see jeff's ok right?" I wrinkled my brow, not quite understanding what he meant! "He's there! You should go to him!" He smiled.  
  
"But..." He was gone. I twirled around calling out his name, begging for him not to leave me again but he was gone. I heard Jeff's voice, felt a kiss on my cheek but I didn't want to go to him! I stayed where I was, locked inside my own mind with my dreams where it was safe.  
  
Then one morning I opened my eyes. Just like that I was awake! I groaned as the room came into focus, I didn't want to come back I just wanted to stay asleep! I lay still as wave upon wave of dizziness washed over me. The room was spinning around & around. Where was I? White everywhere, walls, celing.......clinical......I was in hospital! I could smell it! That God awful smell that had driven a sense of nausea into my stomach ever since I'd speant time with Matt before he died. I closed my eyes as the last of the dizziness subsided. Don't let me be awake! If I stayed asleep long enough maybe I would just die like he had....or like I had done to him? Slowly my eyes fluttered open again & I felt someone squeeze my hand.  
  
"Bec?" It was hard to turn my head, my muscles ached, but slowly I forced my head around.  
  
"Sasha?" My voice was barely above a whisper when I spoke and my throat was dry & raw.  
  
"Hey!" She smiled, "Where have you been? We've been..." She started crying & leaned over & took me in her arms. "Jesus Bec you had us scared to death!"  
  
"I'm sorry!"  
  
"Hey it doesn't matter! You're back & you're gonna be ok now!"  
  
"Why am I here?"  
  
"There's time enough for all of that!" She leaned over me & pressed a buzzer.  
  
'Is......is Jeff here?"  
  
"He was sweetheart but he had to go! He was here all week don't you remember?" I shook my head. "You opened your eyes & spoke to him!" Still I couldn't remember anything. "You told him to take Jude for a while!"  
  
"I did?"  
  
"Yeah........so he has! We thought it was what you wanted is it ok?"  
  
I closed my eyes again, "Yes it is!" God I'd thought it was Matt and all the time it had been Jeff asking me about the baby!  
  
2 or 3 nurses entered the room & started fussing over my drip & various other bits of tubing as a doctor came in & picked up my chart.  
  
"I'm just gonna go make some calls ok? I'll only be along the hall, I have to call your mom!" She smiled, "She only left like 2 hours ago & she made me promise I call as soon as you woke up!" Sasha squeezed my hand, "I won't be long ok?" I slowly nodded then closed my eyes, I was desperate for sleep to take me away once more.  
  
For the next couple of days I felt like I was in limbo, just floating around, not hearing & not caring! People came & went, my parents, my sister, Dwayne, Sasha as well as various cheery nurses & an assortment of doctors. None of them mattered, their words seemed to go through me as if I was transparent & I don't think I even spoke to them, not much anyway. On the 3rd day I asked for my clothes & my other belongings and got dressed. I sat for hours at the window just watching the rain drip down the pane of glass, seeing beyond it out into the gloom of another shitty meaningless day. I hated that place. I hated myself & I hated life. Why did I have to wake up anyway? To be told how insane I was? 'Sorry Bec we woke you up to show you how fucked you are! but hey take some pills, sit back & enjoy the trip! 50 years will pass in no time at all!' I sniggered to myself as I imagined the doctor's voice in my head, but what if it was true? What if I was fucked? Crazy? Insane? Would I have to take pills or stay in a nut house for the rest of my life? I'd rather be dead! God if I could turn back time, walk away from Matt in that parking lot then he'd be safe! I'd much rather have broken his heart than killed him! I traced a rain drop down the window with my fingertip, "Oh Matt if only you'd known what you were letting yourself in for?" I whispered and without realising I wiped a tear from my cheek, "If only you knew!"  
  
"Who's Matt?" I jumped and whirled around to see a woman in her 30's standing at the door to my room sucking on a lolly pop! "He your boyfriend?" She slurped.  
  
"Erm....well....ah....."  
  
"I've got a boyfriend!" She jumped onto my bed & I stood up thinking 'What the fuck??' "His name is Jim & I leeerve him!" She sang out as she bounced up & down on my bed on her knees!  
  
I rubbed my forehead, "That's....erm....that's.....very nice!" I blinked slowly hoping that when I opened my eyes again she would be gone! Just another figment of my fucked up imaginiation, but she was still there! I almost laughed out loud when I saw she had on big yellow Tellytubby slippers! 'Ok girl you are definately fucked!' I thought to myself.  
  
"We sex each other!" she giggled.  
  
"Excuse me?" My eyes widened.  
  
"Yeah!" She continued to bounce on my bed, "On a night when the lights go out and everyone's asleep!"  
  
"Oh Jesus spare me!" I looked at the celing, "Ok that's erm....very nice but ah....I don't think you should be in here!"  
  
"I can let you have a go if you like?"  
  
"No really I don't usually bounce on beds thankyou!"  
  
She started cackling like a demented witch while she waved the lolly pop around in the air, "Not on the bed you stupid cow!" She laughed, "I meant on Jim!"  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"Sex! Sex! Sex!" She giggled.  
  
"WOAH!!!" Dwayne had walked in the door, "I'm sorry Bec I didn't realise youhad visitors!" he raised his eyebrows as he looked the woman up & down.  
  
"OOOOH Are you Matt? Can I have a go?" She lept off the bed & started to twirl Dwayne around while she looked him up & down. He looked down at her slippers as he pushed her away slightly.  
  
"Erm...no I'm actually Buzz! Buzz Lightyear pleased to meet you!" He held out his hand and she shook it! I Shrugged my shoulders & mouthed 'WHAT?' at him! I couldn't believe he was even entertaining this freak!  
  
"OOOOHHHH!" She trumpeted as she shook his hand!  
  
"And see that over there?" He pointed to me & she turned around and stared, "That there is the little mermaid!" He leaned his head next to hers, "Say hi to Aerial!!" he waved & so did the freak. I forced a confused smile!  
  
"No shit?" she slurped on the lolly pop.  
  
"Yeah for real! Ah but now see it's time for Tubby Bye byes! Off you go!" he shoved her out of the door & closed it, "Freak!"  
  
"Get me the fuck out of here right now!" I grabbed my jacket from the top of my pile of stuff & headed for the door! 


	90. Chapter 90

Lost, Confused, Unkind  
  
Chapter 90  
  
"It's raining!" Dwayne said as we got to the door.  
  
"I don't care! Crazy people like to go out & dance in the rain now are you comming or not?" I pulled my collar up to my chin & pushed open the door. The cold air hit me & I stood taking deep breaths as the rain dripped onto my face. I fumbled in my pockets & eventually found a packet with 2 cigarettes in and a lighter.  
  
"They're bad for your health!" Dwayne said as I lit one up.  
  
"Hey could be worse! I could be sucking lolly pops & wanting to have a go on you!"  
  
"Explain to me how that is worse?" Dwayne raised his eyebrows.  
  
"Let's just walk!"  
  
We wandered around the gardens until we found a small wooden shelter with a bench & we stepped inside.  
  
"Jesus!" Dwayne shivered & wiped the rain from his face. I sat on the bench taking one last draw on my soggy cigarette before throwing it out into the flower bed.  
  
"Why am I in the mental ward? Am I as fucked in the head as Tinky fucking winky in there?"  
  
Dwayne sat down beside me and put his arm around my shoulders, "You're not crazy!"  
  
"Well I'm not going back in there!"  
  
"Hey now! Come on you have to go back in! Just let the doctors do what they have to do then you can come home ok?"  
  
I laughed, "And what if they don't like what they find? What if I can't come home?"  
  
"You think I'm gonna leave you in that place?" He squeezed me to him, "They will let you come home, you can't think like that!"  
  
"What if...." I sighed, "Dwayne I think I killed Matt!" Tears welled up in my eyes.  
  
"What? Bec Jesus! it was an accident!"  
  
I stood up and leaned on the entrance to the hut, "No.....I thought I saw Mick & I screamed! Matt turned the wheel and..." I bit on my thumbnail & I felt Dwayne's arms around me, "It's true Dwayne!" I turned around and burried my head into his chest, choking back my tears.  
  
"No it was an accident ok? It wasn't your fault!" he stroked my hair, "Why didn't you talk to me babe?" He whispered & I shrugged my shoulders, "I'm so sorry!"  
  
I looked up, "Why are you sorry?"  
  
"Because....." he looked up at the rotting celing and sighed, "....I told you it was all gonna be ok! I let you down & I'm sorry!" He squeezed me.  
  
"None of this is your fault!"  
  
"Yeah see I know you Bec & I knew there was something wrong but I just thought I could fix it y'know? I never meant for this to happen, for you to end up in hospital!"  
  
"You mean you didn't realise just how completely insane I was!?"  
  
"Yeah!" he smiled, "I didn't realise you were crazier than a pet coon!" He winked & I nudged him.  
  
"I'm scared D! I'm so fucking scared!"  
  
"Hey come on!" He tucked my hair behind my ear.  
  
"what if it never goes away? What if it gets worse & I end up wandering the halls of the local loony bin wearing a diaper & sucking lolly pops?"  
  
"I'll come visit!"  
  
"I'm serious!"  
  
"So am I! But I ain't changing no diaper though! You're on your own there!" he laughed & I smiled & shook my head.  
  
"Don't let me get like that freak in there!" I whispered & he stroked my cheek, "I'd rather be dead!"  
  
He pulled me to him & kissed the top of my head as he rocked me in his arms. I burried my face in his wet jacket & cried. We stayed like that in silence for what seemed like hours, even after my tears stopped we just held each other as I listened to the rain splash onto the roof.  
  
"I guess we should go back in before my mum gets to my room & thinks I've croaked it because I'm not there!"  
  
"Nah! We can just stay here!" Dwayne said over my shoulder, "Call for supplies & live in this hut!"  
  
"You're crazier than I am! Maybe they'll let you share my room!" I smiled. Still he held onto me & I was glad! I could've stayed there all day!  
  
"I guess you're right though!" he squeezed me, "we should go back in before they send out a search party!" he let go & took a step back. "Bec?" we looked into each others eyes, "I'm here ok?" he rubbed my arms, "I'm always gonna be here for you!"  
  
I smiled, "Thankyou! It means a lot to me!" We looked at each other for a few seconds more & then he seemed to snap back to reality as if his mind had been elsewhere!  
  
"Right! Ah....let's go then!" he smiled & put his arm around my shoulders. I smoked the last cigarette from the packet as we walked back to the building in the pouring rain.  
  
While we walked I tried to remember at what point our friendship had turned to this? Total trust & understanding, I would put my life in this guys hands without hesitation & I would like to think he felt the same way about me! I recalled the first time I saw him when he'd come into the locker room & Matt had laughed that I got so excited about it! Then when I'd gotten him on tape for Jake & he'd given me the shirt! The next time was when he'd turned The Rock lose on me & I'd laughed until my sides ached! I think it was just always this way with me & Dwayne right from day one there was some sort of connection between us! I couldn't recall one single stand-alone moment when I suddenly thought 'Hey I love this guy!' Because that's what it was, love! I smiled as I looked up at him with rain dripping down his cheeks!  
  
"What are you smiling about?"  
  
"Oh just you!"  
  
"Me?" we stopped walking.  
  
"Yeah you!"  
  
He looked at me suspiciously, "OK what did I do?"  
  
"Nothin'!" I wiped his cheek, "I was just thinking about when we first met!"  
  
"Ah that day at the arena?"  
  
"You remember?"  
  
"Hell yeah!" he smiled, "You with your little camcorder....oh yeah not to mention Copeland!"  
  
I laughed, "Yeah, how little we knew huh?" I took hold of his hand, "Do you realise how much has completely changed since then?" He squeezed my hand and nodded. "I mean nothing is the same as the day I walked into that arena..." I paused, "Except for one thing! One single thing has stayed the same while everything else has turned to shit!"  
  
"And whats that?"  
  
"You!" I smiled.  
  
'Well apart from a divorce..."  
  
"No no I mean to me! In my eyes, in my life you're still the same! The one constant among all the chaos! I only just figured it out!" He wiped the rain from his face with his free hand & nodded. "Thankyou!" I reached up on tip toes & kissed his cheek.  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For being....ah....my Rock?" I looked at him sheepishly & he rolled his eyes.  
  
"Come here!" he laughed & hugged me tightly as the rain started to fall harder. "I hope I can always be your rock!" he whispered over my shoulder.  
  
'So do I!" I squeezed him.  
  
He grabbed my hands from around his back & started twirling me around & I squealed! "What are you doing?"  
  
"You said crazy people dance in the rain!" He pulled me to him & began waltzing me around the garden!  
  
"Dwayne stop it of they'll never let me out of here!" I giggled.  
  
"Yeah yeah!" he stopped, "come on Aerial before your tail fins atart to appear!"  
  
"You're fucking crazier than me ya know that?"  
  
He gave me the 'People's eyebrow' & then dragged me by the hand back into the hospital! 


	91. Chapter 91

Lost, Confused, Unkind  
  
Chapter 92  
  
I fell asleep as I lay there on the bed with Dwayne and neither of us knew anything more until the next morning! I guessed the pills were still knocking me out but I couldn't figure out Dwayne's excuse! I slowly unwrapped his arm from around me & slid out of bed trying not to wake him! I crept to the door & made my way to the kitchen but I heard voices comming from the living room so I stopped outside the door to listen.  
  
"Yeah I know well keep a lid on it until tomorrow!" Sasha giggled. I figured she was on the phone & I knew I shouldn't be listening but I couldn't help it! "I know I'm missing you too babe!" Was she talking to one of her kids? "Awww you're so sweet!" She giggled, "Yeah I know! I love you too! Bye sexy!" My eyes widened, that definately wasn't one of the kids! But why wouldn't she have told me she had a boyfriend? I heard her moving around so I quickly darted into the kitchen just before she opened the door!  
  
"Oh good morning!" She smiled when she saw me.  
  
"Hi! Sleep well?"  
  
"Not as well as you two obviously!"  
  
"Ah sorry about that! I can't believe I slept so long!"  
  
"That's ok! I looked in but you two looked so sweet together I couldn't bring myself to disturb you!"  
  
"What's the look for?"  
  
"Look? Me? There's no look?"  
  
"Sasha you know how me & Dwayne are so get that stupid smirk off your face!" I laughed.  
  
"I know how you 'used' to be! I thought maybe things had changed?"  
  
"NO! Sasha you're mind is permenantly in the gutter!" I playfully nudged her, "We're just friends ok?"  
  
"Surrrrre!"  
  
"I'm serious!"  
  
Sasha laughed, "I know I'm only messin! I just think it's a shame that's all!"  
  
"Don't start!" I started to make a coffee.  
  
"Well I'm only saying what I see!"  
  
"Yeah I know, you said the same about me & Jeff remember?"  
  
"Oh now that was soooo different!"  
  
My jaw dropped, "What?"  
  
"You & Jeff just drove me crazy so I gave up on that one!"  
  
"Whatever!" I laughed.  
  
"But you & Dwayne......now there's something I could really get my teeth into!" She nudged me & smiled.  
  
"Coffee?" I handed her a cup & she followed me into the l iving room.  
  
"Can I be brutally honest with you?" She sat down beside me.  
  
"I wish you would be!" I raised my eyebrows.  
  
"You & Jeff.....well is it gonna be on or what?" I sighed, "Hear me out a minute!" She cleared her throat, "Have you ever thought that maybe you two......well all I see is you make each other miserable!" She took a sip of her coffee & leaned back on the couch. "I know it's the 'love' thing I can see that, but I'm trying to say is it worth it hun? You only live once y'know?"  
  
"Have you been smoking something funny?"  
  
"No! I just......well I wanna see you grab life by the balls from now on!"  
  
"Sasha! You're starting to scare me now!"  
  
"Well after what I've been through, what we've both been through, I'm just sick of it all y'know? I'm just gonna say screw the lot of them from now on & live a little! I want you to do the same!"  
  
"Maybe you're right!" I sighed.  
  
"I know I'm right! Oh not about you & Jeff, that's your call! If being with Jeff is gonna make you happy then I hope you go for it with all guns blazing! But just don't do it because it's easy or expected ok?" I nodded slowly, I knew what she meant but could I be as excited about life as she obviously was? "You & Dwayne are constanly punking each other out but it's well...." She smiled, "It's great! You're happy, he's happy....ok I'm gonna shut up but you get my point right?"  
  
"Yeah I do.....but me & Dwayne?" I shook my head, "No Sasha! He's my friend & I love him & I can't risk that right now! I need him!"  
  
"Risk is what it's all about!" She winked!  
  
"Something kinda already happened and..."  
  
"Something with you & Dwanye are you kidding me?"  
  
"NO! I was wasted AGAIN! and God it was so embarassing Sash!"  
  
"Why?" She giggled.   
  
"Because....well he kinda kicked it to the kerb!"  
  
"He what?" Her eyes widened & I nodded my head. "Oh I can't believe that! He knocked you back? Are you serious?"  
  
"Yeah I'm serious! It was pretty um........well I didn't think very much of myself after that!"  
  
"Christ! Is he...." She wrinkled her brow.  
  
"GAY? Sasha I wouldn't put that fucking much on me!" I shook my haed, "Anyway I don't think he is but it doesn't matter cause it aint happening! Not ever!"  
  
"Never say never!" she smiled & looked out of the window.  
  
"Sasha are you seeing anyone these days?"  
  
Her smile quickly left her face, "Why do you ask?"  
  
"No reason, other than this new change of attitude! Sounds like a woman in love to me!" I smiled but Sasha just drank her coffee. "Well?"  
  
She sighed, "Well....I'm not gonna lie to you Bec!" She put her cup down & turned to face me, "Yes I am seeing someone but um......I'm not entirly sure how you're gonna feel about it?"  
  
My stomach lurched! My first thought wasn't a very pleasent one.....she was seeing Jeff! I gulped, "Who is it?"  
  
She looked down at her hands & took a deep breath, "It's ah......it's Adam!"  
  
I blinked and stared at her! "Sasha!"  
  
"Oh I know it's like a shitty thing to do and I'm sorry I just I couldn't help it! I just kinda.....what's so funny?"  
  
I was laughing, "Jesus! No! That's....oh man!" I puffed out my cheeks, "You just kinda had me worried there....I mean you just helped me answer a few questions!"  
  
"What? bec are you ok?"  
  
I cleared my throat & stopped laughing, "Ok, yes I'm fine & yes you & Adam! Wow! Big surprise! It's ah great! I'm happy! Just I thought.....it's stupid I know but I...."  
  
"You thought I was gonna say Jeff didn't you?" She squealed & I nodded! "Oh God no! Jesus I'm sorry I should have just come right out with it I never wanted you to think that!"  
  
"No listen to me, I'm glad you did, it's weird but I kinda know how I feel about Jeff now! Anyway enough about that come on I wanna know all about you and Adam! How the fuck did that happen?" 


	92. Chapter 92

Lost, confused, Unkind  
  
Chapter 91  
  
It was another 2 weeks before they let me come home. Once they'd finally (3rd time's the charm!) found the right strength of anti-depressants I started to feel a little more alret & able to talk to people better. Dwayne & my mum picked me up from the hospital & took me back to the flat I'd left over a month earlier on a gurney!  
  
"Ok let's get you into bed!| Mum fussed over me, trying to pull off my jacket when we walked in the door.  
  
"No mum I'm fine!" she eyed me suspiciously, "Really! I've been lying in bed for a bloody month now, please just don't fuss ok?" She reluctantly gave in & went to make us a coffee.  
  
"So...." Sasha took my hand & dragged me onto the couch, "You got any room for me to stay on for a while?"  
  
"Yeah where have you been staying already?"  
  
"Oh your mum's place, BUT I kinda wanted to come here & look after you!"  
  
"No what you mean is she is driving you fucking nuts & you wanna get out of there!|  
  
"No!"  
  
"Sasha come on! I know what she's like!" I laughed.  
  
"Oh.....well.....it's not that bad really!" I raised my eyebrows & she sighed, "Ok yeah you're right! She's driving me crazy now can I stay here or what?" she whispered & I giggled.  
  
"Yeah she drives me up the wall on a daily basis!" We both laughed, "So where are the kids?"  
  
"Summer hols they stay with the whore & the asshole!" she smiled sarcastically.  
  
"Oh right! How's things going on that front?"  
  
"Hopefully the divorce papers will be on my dorrmat when I get home!" She forced another smile, "I just want to get it over with so I can get on with my life!"  
  
I nodded. God how I wished I could be half as strong as her! "Well I'd love to have you stay with me! I'd rather you did than the wicked witch in there!" We both laughed.  
  
"She's not that bad!" Sasha nudged me, "she just cares that's all!"  
  
"Yeah I know!" I smiled, "I should be thankful I have a mother that gives a damn right?"  
  
"Right! So how does it feel to be back home?"  
  
I looked around the room, "Ah ok, good I guess! Just a bit weird! I'm glad to be out of that place but....."  
  
"Here we go!" Mum handed our coffee's around. "Where's Dwayne?"  
  
"Right here! Thanks!" he took a cup off her and sat down on the other side of Sasha. Mum took one of the armchairs & we all sipped our drinks.  
  
"Are you glad to be home?" Mum smiled.  
  
"Yeah mum!"  
  
"Cause you know you can come & stay with us for as long as you need to?"  
  
"Thanks mum I really appreciate it but it won't be neccessary! Sasha's gonna move in here to look after me so you needn't worry!"  
  
"Oh right!" Mum forced a smile but I could sense her dissapointment! The phone rang & as I Put my coffee down to answer it Mum jumped up out of her seat, "I'll get it!" she crooned and answered it! I rolled my eyes & Sasha tried not to laugh.  
  
"Thank God you guys are here or she'd bloody move in & take over the place!" I whispered.  
  
"Yes hang on...BEC! It's for you!" Mum shouted.  
  
"There's a shock! Fancy someone ringing here for me!" I said sarcastically! "Erm mum it's a cordless phone you can bring it here!" I smiled.  
  
"Oh right! Ok I know! No old age jokes please!" She passed me the phone, "It's Jeff!  
  
I froze & stared at the phone in my hand, "Oh....erm......right...."  
  
"Why don't we go back to your place and get my stuff!" Sasha grabbed mum's jacket & handed it to her before she had time to protest! Dwayne stood up to go with them but I touched his arm & shook my head so he sat back down. "Won't be long!" Sasha kissed my cheek & smiled. Mum gave me a hug & they left. Slowly I put the phone to my ear & took a deep breath. "Hi Jeff!" I said nervously.  
  
"Hey! You feelin ok?"  
  
"Yeah thanks! Better now I'm home! How's things?"  
  
"Great here! Dad's having a brilliant time with Jude! He's spoiling him rotten! He's just took him out with Mary!"  
  
"Oh........that's nice!" I gulped.  
  
"Well I just wanted to know do you want me to bring him back to you when I come over for Insurrextion? I mean it's up to you I can bring him sooner if....."  
  
"No that'd be fine!"  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"Yeah....I'm sure!" Dwayne reached over & took hold of my hand.  
  
"Ok well....right I'll um......I'll see you then?"  
  
"Yeah....bye Jeff!"  
  
"Oh and Bec?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Can you tell your mom we got the rabbit in the post yesterday?"  
  
"Rabbit?"  
  
"Yeah y'know, Jude's favourite one that he takes to bed? We forgot it so she mailed it to us!"  
  
My heart sank! I never even knew he had a damn rabbit never mind that it was his favourite! "Oh yeah....the rabbit of course!" I closed my eyes, "Yes I'll tell her! Bye then."  
  
"Ok.....erm......bye!"  
  
I switched off the phone. "Maybe I should just leave him there!" I muttered.  
  
"Jude?"  
  
"Yeah Jude! I'm sure he'd be better off there than here with me!"  
  
"I don't think so! I think he'd be better off with his mom!" Dwayne squeezed my hand.  
  
"What sort of a mother am I Dwayne?" I raised my voice, "Jeff's telling me about Jude's favourite toy....his rabbit! I didn't even know he had a fuucking rabbit Dwayne!" He put his arms around me & I started to cry, "I didn't even know!"  
  
"Ssshhh....come on Bec! You've been sick! It's not your fault! It'll be ok now you're gonna get better!"  
  
"Sick?" I sniffed, "Ha! That's a very American way of putting it!" I pulled back & wiped my face on my sleeve, "I'm not sick dwayne! People with cancer are sick! Me? I'm just plain old fucked in the head!"  
  
"No you're not!"  
  
"Fucking crazy assed psycho bitch that killed the father of her child!" I started to sob & he held me, "I killed him! I fucking killed him!"  
  
"No you didn't! Bec stop this!" He said firmly. "I don't want to hear anymore of this bullshit it was an accident!" He held me at arms length, "OK? A freak bastard of a thing to happen but it wasn't your fault do you hear me?"  
  
I stood up & yanked my arms from his grip, "You weren't there! How can you know?" I shouted.  
  
"Because......I just do ok? You didn't kill Matt!"  
  
"Because? Is that it? Or wait maybe you meant BECAUSE I'm crazy & this is just another one of my fucked up delusions right?"  
  
He hung his head, "No!" he stood up & tried to hold me but I pushed him away.  
  
"You don't know shit about what happened that night you just think I'm insane!" I screamed at him.  
  
"Bec calm down!"  
  
"FUCK YOU!" He tried to hold me but I broke free of his grip, "Leave me alone Dwayne! Just fuck off before I get you killed aswell!" I stormed into my room sobbing.  
  
He did leave me alone for an hour at most while I tried to calm down. I couldn't believe I'd yelled at him like that when all he was trying to do was help me! I really was losing the plot!  
  
There was a soft knock on the door, "Bec?" he peered in at me as I stared out of the window. "Ok if I come in?"  
  
"Yeah!" I said quietly.  
  
"Wanna talk?" he sat on the edge of the bed & I sighed. "No not really! I'm sick of talking! Nothing's gonna change what's happened!" I slowly turned to face him, "I'm sorry I yelled at you!"  
  
"Don't worry about it!" He waved his hand, "I'm sorry I upset you!"  
  
"It wasn't you it was....oh I dunno talking to Jeff  
  
maybe?" I folded my arms across my chest.  
  
"Want me to kick his ass?" Dwayne smiled.  
  
"You'd do that for me?" I bit my lip to stop myself smiling & he nodded. "Yeah I'd do anything for you! You point them out & I'll kick their asses!"  
  
"What a guy!" I rolled my eyes. "Careful where you sit I might try & seduce you again!" I said sarcastically.  
  
"Bring it on!" Dwayne lay back on the bed & spread his legs wide!  
  
I Looked up at the celing, "I guess I could claim insanity?"  
  
"Come on baby what you waitin for?" he winked.  
  
I took a step back & Looked him up & down, "Oh I dunno, hell freezing over maybe?"   
  
He bit his bottom lip "Dammit woman I tought you well!" I started to laugh, "I think I'll have to go back home cause I do believe I'm a bad influence on you!" He pointed at me, "You come here!" he said as he patted the bed beside him.  
  
"Is it safe?"  
  
"Just come here & quit with the smart mouth already!"  
  
I laughed & got onto the bed letting him put his arm around me, "I missed you!" he said, kissing the top of my head, "I've had no one to punk out for 4 weeks! I was talking to myself!"  
  
I giggled, "Yeah you do that anyway!" I looked up at him & smiled, "I've missed you too!"  
  
"Who wouldn't?"  
  
"Shut up!" I playfully slapped his chest.  
  
"I've been thinking!"  
  
"I thought I could smell burning!" I laughed.  
  
"Shut up woman this is serious!"  
  
"Ok! Ok!"  
  
He cleared his throat, "Why don't you & Jude come & live with me?"  
  
"In Florida? Are you serious?" I rested on my elbow so I could see his face.  
  
"Yeah I'm serious!"  
  
"Oh....erm.....I dunno what to say!"  
  
"Say yes! It makes sense!"  
  
"Why does it make sense for me to come back to the states?"  
  
"So you're closer to Jeff!!"  
  
I laughed, "And that makes sense because?"  
  
"You know why! And besides I can keep an eye on you!"  
  
"Cameron's not exactly 2 minutes away from Miami!"  
  
"Yeah I know but it's closer than England! And warmer too!"  
  
I looked into his eyes, "You are serious aren't you?"  
  
"Damn straight! Besides I was hoping you'd love it so much you'd have to marry me to stay in the country!"  
  
"Oh right, but ah...sorry I could never do that!"  
  
"And why not?"  
  
"Rebecca Johnson........it just doesn't sound right!"  
  
"What? It's perfect!"  
  
"Nah! I'd sound like a newsreader or somethin!" I laughed.  
  
"Oh right so Rebecca Hardy sounds just dreamy?" he fluttered his eyelashes & I slapped him!  
  
"You suck!"  
  
"Do you?" he wiggled his eyebrows & I pulled a face at him! "Think about it though, seriously ok?"  
  
I nodded slowly, "Ok I'll think about it!" 


	93. Chapter 93

Lost confused unkind  
  
Chapter 93  
  
Later that day Sasha went out shopping with my sister but I didn't feel like it! Truthfully I needed time to think about quite a few things! I stood in my room staring out of the window but not really seeing anything, my mind was on other things like Jeff, Adam, Jude......and Dwayne! Why did every one of my problems have to do with a guy in one form or another?! The thing with Sasha & Adam had taken me by surprise that was for certain! Even though what me & Adam had at the time it meant nothing! But the more I thought about it I did feel a little jealous that now he was with Sasha! I couldn't figure out why though, if it had meant nothing then it shouldn't matter to me at all! but still I got that uneasy feeling in my stomach & I had to try & work out what the problem was not just for my sake, but for Sasha's and Adam's too!  
  
I pulled a chair up to the window & sat down watching the people below going about their normal every day routines! Boring! I thought to myself! All of them boring! None of them grabbing life by the balls as Sasha had put it! I got a feeling of depression just watching them all drudging through another day, I didn't want to get like that! I bit on my thumbnail, one problem at a time girl! "Adam Adam Adam!" I whispered & ran my hand through my hair. Why the hell did I feel even an incling of something for him now when I never had done before? I smiled to myself & leaned forward in my chair. I had that was the problem! I'd always felt something for him I just never realised or never wanted to admit it before! what Adam & I had I felt like it was mine and it was being taken away.....no that was wrong! Sasha wasn't taking it away at all, that would always be mine! What I had with Adam wasn't what Sasha had with him, she was simply making her own time with him now! I just had to accept that & I knew I could! She was my friend & I hoped Adam & I could be friends too!  
  
Ok so one problem over with, solved, simple! now....on to the next on the list! Dwayne! I put my head back on the chair & sprawled my legs out infront of me. Dwayne, my best friend, wants me to move to Florida with him! Why not? Well I couldn't think of any sensible objections! There was no reason for me not to go with him! "By the balls!" I whispered & smiled. Problem 2 solved! I looked up at the celing & laughed. "Shit!" I said out loud & then decided to go & give him the news! Jude & Jeff were problems I wasn't going to solve so easily so for now I decided to shelve them!  
  
I went into the kitchen where Dwayne was once again eating!  
  
"I don't know where you put all that shit!" I laughed as he took a bite from his sandwich, "Looks like Scooby & Shaggy made that thing!" He smiled & wiped his mouth.  
  
"Gotta feed the machine honey!" he winked!  
  
"Hmm....." I turned my back on him & went to the counter, "I hope you don't expect me to cook for you every 5 minutes....erm.....when I'm living with you!"  
  
He jumped out of his seat! "Are you serious?"  
  
I turned to face him and smiled, "I don't HAVE to marry you though right?"  
  
He started laughing & put his arms around me, "No no no I swear that's not part of the deal!" I hugged him, "And erm....what about Jude then?"  
  
"Ah that's next on my list! I am getting there slowly!"  
  
"List?"  
  
"List of fuck ups! Jude & Jeff are the only 2 left to figure out!"  
  
"Oh ouch!" He drew in a breath through his teeth, "You need any help?"  
  
"Nah! I think it's time for me to face up to my own problems & sort them out on my own!"  
  
"Ok what got into you? Where did you put the real Bec?" He looked down at me!  
  
"Nothin, well just something Sasha said about only living once!" I smiled, "Oh & something about grabbing balls but we won't get into that!"  
  
"Oh no please do!" He guided me to the table & we both sat down.  
  
"She's seeing Adam did you know?"  
  
"Copeland?"  
  
"No apple! Yes Copeland you idiot!"  
  
"Shit no! I didn't know!"  
  
I sighed & Nodded, "Yeah she told me this morning!"  
  
"How do you feel about that?"  
  
I shrugged my shoulders, "Ok I guess! oh & she thinks you're gay by the way!"  
  
Dwayne coughed, choking on his sandwich! "WHAT?!!  
  
I giggled, "Yeah it's a long story!" I looked over at him, "You're not gay right?"  
  
"Don't you think you might have noticed bynow?" He raised his eyebrows, "But I should watch my back! I'm the only one in this house that hasn't screwed Copeland!" He winked & I shook my head & laughed.  
  
"I think you're safe!" I patted his hand!  
  
"So are you ready for Smackdown tomorrow?"  
  
"Tomorrow??!" He nodded & took another bite from his sandwich, "Shit! I didn't realise it was tomorrow!"  
  
"Are you comming along?"  
  
"I don't know! I guess I'll see how I feel in the morning!"  
  
"Well if my opinion counts for anything I think it'll do you good! I mean I'm not working so you can just hang with me all day if you like?"  
  
I smiled, "Ya know I think you're right! It'll be better than sitting on my ass in this place all night on my own! Yeah I'll come along!"  
  
"Cool!" Dwayne smiled & squeezed my hand. God what would I ever do without this guy? 


	94. Chapter 94

Lost, confused, Unkind  
  
Chapter 94  
  
Next morning we were all up bright & early, me because I was so nervous about seeing some of the guys again, Sasha because she was all excited about seeing Adam & Dwayne because he slept on the couch so we both sat on him to wake him up! The morning passed slowly, I kept watching the clock wondering if I was doing the right thing or if I should just stay home after all! By the time we were outside the arena I was beginning to wish I had just stayed at home! I had no idea why I felt so nervous but my stomach was in knots as Dwayne held the door open for me & Sasha to step inside! I hesitated but one look at Dwayne's huge beaming smile reassured me so I stepped into the building. There was a few people mulling around in the corridors, all of them stopping to say 'Hi!' to Rocky as we passed them!  
  
"I'm gonna go look for Adam! I'll catch up with you guys later ok?" Sasha kissed my cheek & hurried off in the direction of the locker rooms.  
  
"You ok?" Dwayne put his arm around my shoulders & whispered in my ear.  
  
"Yeah, fine!"  
  
"You up to saying hi to a few people?"  
  
I sighed, "I guess so!"  
  
"Ok come on then we'll go find Shane!"  
  
A couple of the stage guys pointed us in the direction of Shane's room & my heart pounded as Dwayne knocked on the door & peered inside.  
  
"Got time for a visitor?"  
  
"Dwayne! My man!" I heard Shane say from inside & then the door was opened wide & we came face to face! Shane just stared at me for a few seconds.  
  
"Hi Shane!"  
  
"Jesus!" He threw his arms around me, "God are you ok?" He held me at arms length, "You look.....wow you look really great!"  
  
I blushed slightly. "Thanks! So do you! Have you been working out?" I Squeezed his muscly arms!  
  
"Ah well.....have to keep up with Vince y'know!" he smiled, "It's good to see you Bec!" He hugged me again.  
  
Dwayne cleared his throat, "Erm....hands off my roomie McMahon!"  
  
Shane looked from one of us to the other, "Roomie?"  
  
"Yeah I'm moving to Miami with Dwayne! Only no one really knows about it yet so keep it under your hat!"  
  
"Wow! You two are erm...?"  
  
"NO!" Dwayne & I both said together. "Just friends!" Dwayne smiled.  
  
"So...." Shane walked to his desk "Maybe you might ah....want a job once you're back inthe states?" he raised his eyebrows.  
  
"I'll let you know! At the moment it's kinda one day at a time!" I smiled, "Listen do you guys mind if I go & loook for Shannon?"  
  
"Will you be ok? I mean I can come with you if..."  
  
"I'm sure I'll be fine!" I rolled my eyes then looked at Shane, "He's worse than my mother I swear!" I laughed, "Except my mother has bigger balls!" I said as I went out of the door!  
  
"Get out of here!" Dwayne pulled a face at me as I closed the door laughing.  
  
"Hey is this Sh......BEC!"  
  
I gulped as I looked up, "Adam! Hi!"  
  
'Wow you look good!"  
  
"Thanks!" I looked at the floor, "So, um how are you?"  
  
"Ok thanks! You?"  
  
"Yeah great!" I smiled nervously. "Oh did you find Sasha? She went to look for you!"  
  
"Oh erm.....she ah told you then?" He shuffled his feet.  
  
I looked up at him & thought what are you doing Bec you idiot! Get a grip! "Yeah she did tell me! Adam relax it's ok!"  
  
He sighed, "It's cool then?"  
  
"Yeah!" I smiled, "Ok come here! I'm sick of this bullshit!" I put my arms around him & we hugged each other!  
  
"You are THE coolest chick I know!"  
  
"I hope you didn't mean that buddy!" We both looked up to see Sasha at the other end of the corridor!  
  
I smiled, "Go on then!" I shoved Adam in Sasha's direction, "Oh and Adam?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
I stood on tip toes, moved some of his hair & whispered in his ear, "Treat her the way you treated me & you can't go wrong!" I giggled & he blushed slightly, smiled & ran to meet Sasha! I stood back & watched as he scooped her up into his arms & twirled her around, then kissed her passionately. It still felt a little weird, but not as bad as I'd imagined & I smiled at them even though they were too caught up in each other to notice me! It was nice just to see Sasha happy again!  
  
I wandered around the maze of corridors looking for the locker rooms & hoping to find Shannon. I hadn't seen him in so long, although he had called me since I came back to England, come to think of it he'd called me more times than Jeff had! I was really looking forward to seieng him again, he was another one of life's good guys! As I rounded the corner I almost bumped into Jon Cenar & although we didn't really know each other he smiled, said 'Hi!' and gave me one of those 'I know I know you from somewhere!' looks!  
  
"Erm....could you tell me where I can find Shannon please?"  
  
" I think he's two doors that way!" he smiled.  
  
"Thankyou!" I smiled back & headed off in the direction he'd pointed me in.  
  
"Jeff Hardy's girlfriend right?" I turned to see him with a puzzled look on his face & I smiled.  
  
"Matt's! Well....was Matt's!"  
  
"Oh shit right! Sorry! I feel like a dork now!"  
  
"That's ok!"  
  
"I knew I'd seen you before! I just didn't realise...I thought you & Jeff were......um..."  
  
"Bec!" I held out my hand & he shook it & smiled!  
  
"Jon! And I'm shutting up & getting the hell out of here before I say something else that makes me look like a complete idiot!"  
  
We both laughed! "I said forget it! It's cool! You're not the first person to make that mistake!" I turned to walk away.  
  
"OK I do appologise for being a complete ass! Nice seeing you again!"  
  
I laughed, "Ok see you around!"  
  
I found the door Jon had mentioned & knocked! I didn't want to just walk in incase I came face to face with a bunch of naked guys! Eventually the door opened.....but it wasn't Shannon! 


	95. Chapter 95

Lost,Confused, Unkind  
  
Chapter 95  
  
"Bec!" I stood there wide eyes!  
  
"Oh um....hello....I didn't expect to see you here! I was ah....I was looking for Shan!"  
  
"Oh come in! Yeah he's just in the shower!" I stepped into the locker room still totally bewindered!  
  
"So erm.....how's your mum?"  
  
"Oh she's fine thanks!"  
  
"Sarah tell me to mind my own here but ah what the hell are you doing here?"  
  
"I'm sorta dating Shannon!" she smiled.  
  
"Oh right! I didn't know sorry!"  
  
"Oh well it's just like a casual thing y'know?"  
  
I felt my anger bubbling up inside & took a deep breath! It was obvious she was playing her little games again! For those of you who either don't remember her or those who didn't read 'Freaked' let me refresh your memories! Sarah is Mary's daughter & when I first moved to America she was dating Matt! We never really liked each other & all the time I lived at Edbrook I think we just put up with each other for the sake of keeping the peace! Well I no longer lived at Edbrook so I no longer had to put up with her bullshit! If she was playing Shannon for a fool she would regret it, I'd make sure of that! Obviously Shannon felt it was more that just casual if he was willing to bring her half way around the world! That was just it with Sarah though, the fame & the dollars attracted her more than the man!  
  
I sat down on the bench to wait for Shannon to finish his shower.  
  
"You don't mind if I wait?"  
  
"Ah no....I you want!"  
  
We sat in silence for a long time! it was clear that I intimidated her from the way she figited in her seat & bit on her fingernails & I liked it that way! She needed to be aware that I cared a lot about shannon & if she messed with him she'd have me to deal with! Eventually I heard the bathroom door being opened.  
  
"Phew that's better!" Shannon rubbed his hair with a towel. He hadn't noticed me sitting there! "I needed that!"  
  
"Hi Shannon!" I stood up & he twirled around quickly.   
  
"BEC! You made it!" he threw the towel onto the floor & hugged me! "Man it's so good to see you! How are you?"  
  
"I'm doin' ok thanks!" I smiled, "It's great to see you too!"  
  
"I saw Jeff last week he said you hadn't been well & he had Jude! Are you comming back?"  
  
"Ah I don't know right now! Maybe!"  
  
"Man it's so good to see you!" he hugged me again. "Sarah hun would you mind going and getting me a coffee?"  
  
"What am I your freakin maid now?"  
  
I stared at her. "Ok how about we go & get one!" Shannon asked me.  
  
"Sure! let's go!" Sarah's face dropped & I smiled at her & then left them alone for a minute. Once outside I could hear raised voices.  
  
"She's a friend ok?"  
  
"Yeah she was Matt's friend too remember?"  
  
That bitch! I had to try very hard not to go back in there & give her a piece of my mind! Finally I heard Shannon yell 'Whatever!" and he came out into the hall, slamming the door behind him.  
  
"Sorry about that!" He looked at the floor.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
He laughed, "Getting laid?" I swiped his chest.  
  
"Shan, just watch your back ok? I know what she's like! She's a vindictive little bitch!"  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Sorry!" I sighed, "None of my business I know!"  
  
"That's ok! She's....well she's not all that bad y'know? Once you get to know her!"  
  
"I know enough!"  
  
"You two don't really get along huh?"  
  
"Shan.....I was just a little shocked that's all! I didn't expect to see her here! Don't worry! It doesn't matter!" I smiled & he did the same. Poor guy! Hook, line & sinker already! Damn she was good I'll give her that! But God help her if she hurt Shannon!  
  
We eventually found the arena's restaurant & got ourselves a coffee.  
  
"So, how's life in England then?" Shannon said as we sat down.  
  
"Ah pretty shitty really!" I forced a smile, "I miss Cameron!"  
  
"You miss Jeff?" he raised his eyebrows & I shrugged my shoulders. "He misses you! He won't admit it but I've known him long enough...I know what he's thinking!"  
  
I nodded slowly, "Things got a little complicated!"  
  
"They didn't need to be!" he smiled.  
  
"Ah well....shit happens! so, how's things with you then?"  
  
"Ok, yeah! Pretty good really!"  
  
"Because of Sarah?"  
  
"Am I that transparent?"  
  
I smiled, "No it was just a pretty good guess that's all!"  
  
"Hello again!" I felt a hand on my shoulder & looked up.  
  
"Brian!" I smiled, "Hi!"  
  
"I didn't know you were comming over?"  
  
"Ah I didn't! I was already here!"  
  
"Oh, right! cool!" he smiled & Shannon cleared his throat. "Oh um sorry for interrupting! I'll see you around then!"  
  
"Yeah, see you later!"  
  
He wandered off. "Punk!"  
  
"Shannon!"  
  
"Well he's always hasseling you!"  
  
"It's no hassel! He's a nice guy!" Shannon raised his eyebrows at me. "Don't even go there! I said he was a nice guy that's all!"  
  
"Hmmm!"  
  
"I'm serious! He's ok but.....not my type believe me! He looks like a baby!" We both laughed & I looked over to where Brian was bending over talking to to a bunch of guys sitting at a nearby table. "Hmm...nice buns though!"  
  
"Spare me please!"  
  
We finished our coffee & Shannon went back to the locker room, I left him to it! I couldn't deal with any more of Sarah's shit, I'd had enough for one day! So I went off to look for Dwayne, hoping I'd see some more familiar faces on the way! It had been fun meeting up with everyone again! I don't know why I'd been so nervous aboutit in the first place! 


	96. Chapter 96

Lost, Confused Unkind  
  
Chapter 96  
  
It took me a while to get my barings back once I was downstairs among the corridors but I was eventually convinced I was headed in the direction of Shane's room! As I past one of the locker rooms the door was open so I glanced in & raised a hand at Torrie and some of the other girls that I'd never seen before. Torrie said hi & the rest of tham smiled & I headed on my way. I got to the end of the corridor & literally bumped into Adam!  
  
"Sorry I wasn't watching where I was going!" I laughed.  
  
"That's ok! I'm looking for Sasha actually! She came to find you ages ago! Have you seen her?"  
  
I shook my head. "Nope! I was up in the cafe having a coffee with Shannon!"  
  
"Ah right! Where are you headed now?"  
  
"To find Dwayne! I hope he's still in shane's room!" Adam smiled & pointed in the direction I'd just come from! I sighed, "Man I have a hopeless sense of direction!"  
  
"Not to worry! I'll come with you! Maybe Sasha found dwayne!"  
  
We started to walk back the way I'd just come & as we passed the woman's locker room I heard my name mentioned so I stopped.  
  
"What's the..."  
  
"Shhhhh!" I cut Adam off mid sentance so I could listen!  
  
"Yeah well she was Matt Hardy's girlfriend when he died!" I heard Torrie say.  
  
"No shit?" said another female voice.  
  
"Yeah! She has his kid although...." she lowered her voice, "Between me & you it's been said the kid aint even his!"  
  
My eyes widened & Adam took hold of my arm to lead me away. "Come on!" He whispered but I shrugged him off!  
  
"You're kidding?" One of the girls whispered.  
  
"Nope!" Torrie said smugly!  
  
"So who's is it then?"  
  
"Hey I never said it WASN'T his! It's just a rumor that's all!"  
  
"Oh come on Torrie!"  
  
"Ok but you can't tell anyone & you didn't hear this from me right?"  
  
There was a chorus of 'sure!' and 'no problem' from the girls in the room.  
  
"Well from what I heard......it's Jeff's kid!"  
  
"NO WAY!!" they giggled. My stomach lurched & I felt sick! Adam it his lip then looked down at his feet.  
  
"Yeah but you never heard it from me you swear?"  
  
I started to walk away but Adam grabbed my arm. "Bec!"  
  
"No!" I yanked my arm free & hurried along the corridor with tears stinging my eyes. I found an emergancy exit & shoved open the door finding myself in the parking lot & alone! I slumped to the floor, pulled my knees up to my chest and leaned my back against the wall. I tried so hard not to cry but I just couldn't help it! I was just so sick of the whole Jeff bullshit! It physically drained me.....maybe Sasha had been right after all? Maybe it wasn't worth all the stress & heartache. The door opened & I quickly wiped my face on my sleeve.  
  
"We really do have to stop meeting in parking lots!" Adam smiled & sat his ass down beside me on the ground. "Hey come on pay no attention to that lot! They're like the WWE covern or somethin'!" he nudged me & I forced a smile.  
  
"Is that what everyone is saying about me? About my son?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Have you heard it before? That Jude isn't Matt's?" Adam looked at the sky & sighed. "Be honest with me Adam! Is that shit the talk of the locker room or what?"  
  
"Look, I said pay no attention! They're just bitches!"  
  
"You haven't answered my question!"  
  
He sighed, "Ok I had heard it before but it was ages ago! No one is talking about it now and trust me most of the guys nailed that rumor as soon as they heard it!" he touched my arm. "Forget it!"  
  
I looked down at the ground, "How can I forget it? Everyone thinks that I....that I'm a slut and..."  
  
"No one thinks that! No way!"  
  
"So what ARE they thinking huh? That I was fucking Jeff the minute Matt died? Or...or worse maybe they think I was fucking them both at the same time!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Y'know I knew this was a bad fucking idea! Even when I woke up this morning I knew I should just stay home! Dammit!" I stood up. "I wish I had! Maybe I'll just go now!"  
  
Adam stood up, "Don't do that! Wait!" He grabbed my arm & spun me around. It was weird! It was like our eyes locked & I had no strength to turn away! We just stared at each other unblinking & unmoving! Alarm bells rang in my head & all I wanted to do was turn & run but I couldn't! The only other person that had ever had that effect on me had been Matt! It scared me! We must have stood there like that for over a minute!  
  
"There you a....." We both spun around, the spell broken at last!  
  
"Sasha!" Adam seemed to shake his head slightly as if he was trying to clear it!  
  
"What's going on?" She looked from one of us to the other with a puzzled & suspicious look on her face!  
  
"Nothin!" Adam forced a smile. "We....we.....were looking for you actually! And....and Dwayne!" (Nice try at not sounding guilty Copeland!)   
  
"I'm just....." I gestured to the door & stepped towards it, ".....ah see ya .....later....or something!" I pulled open the door & stepped inside! I had a really weird feeling like someone had been inside my head trampling around with huge boots on! As I stood in the corridor with one hand on my forehead trying to clear my head I suddenly realised I hadn't taken my pills that morning! 


	97. Chapter 97

Lost confused Unkind  
  
Chapter 97  
  
"Shit!" I muttered to myself as I stood in the corridor. I didn't even know what would happen if I didn't take the damn pills! Would I start freaking out, seeing ghosts, black out for a week? I had no idea but I knew I needed to take them as soon as possible! I hurried along the corridor hoping that I would find Dwayne to take me home!  
  
"Bec!" I froze on the spot. "Wait up!" Slowly I turned to see Sasha hurrying after me.  
  
"Sasha I......" I put a hand to my head, "Look out there with Adam....I'm...it wasn't..."  
  
"Hey don't worry about it he explained!" She smiled.  
  
"He did?"  
  
"Yeah look don't let those nasty little bitches get to you! They are just fucking nasty little ho's with nothing better to do!"  
  
"Oh! Yeah right!" I forced a smile, "It just didn't look very good when you came out there...I'm sorry!"  
  
Sasha smiled & put her arm around me, "Hey come on! You're my friend & I know you wouldn't do shit like that! I trust you! Forget about it!"  
  
I swallowed hard & forced another smile. She was right of course, I'd never do anything like that to her, well......not on purpose anyway! "Right yeah, thanks!" I Cleared my throat. "Um I really need to go home Sash! I kinda forgot to take my meds this morning!" I looked sheepishly at her.  
  
"Home!?" Her eyes widened, "Erm....no you can't go home!"  
  
"But I..."  
  
"No no you'll miss the show!" She smiled nervously & I got the sudden feeling there was something she wasn't telling me! I eyed her suspiciously & I was just about to open my mouth & say something more when Dwayne wandered up to us.  
  
"Hey been looking all over for you!" He smiled.  
  
"Likewise! Where have you been?" I asked.  
  
"Well...I was um....talking to Shane and er....then I...I just was catching up with some of the oth..."  
  
"Ok what's goin on?" I looked from one of them to the other & they looked at their feet. "Dwayne I need to go home I forgot to take my meds!"  
  
"I'll go and get them for you!" he beamed at me.  
  
"Guys come on! What the hell is up with you two? Really I'd just rather go home ok?"  
  
Sasha & Dwayne looked at each other & Dwayne sighed. "Ok alright! But just give me a few minutes I ah....left my keys in Shane's room! Won't be long!" he ran off down the hall & I looked at sasha.  
  
"Ok welcome to weirdsville!"  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about!" She smiled.  
  
"Yeah you do! You two....there's something you're not telling me here now what is it?"  
  
"Nothing!"  
  
"Sasha!"  
  
"Hey why don't we go wait outside by the car?" She started to lead me back towards the door & I gave in & just let her do it! Once we got outside she slapped a hand to her head, "DAMMIT!"  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"Aw man I left my cell in one of the locker rooms! I better go get it or someone's just gonna take it! See you tonight!" She kissed my cheek & quickly went back inside closing the door before I could say anything!  
  
"But....SASHA!" I sighed, "Whatever!" I muttered & wandered over to Dwayne's rental. I lit a cigarette & leaned my back against the car. God knows what those two were up to but I had a feeling I wasn't going to like it! They had been acting a little weird for the past couple of days now that I thought about it! Talking in hushed voices & changing the subject quickly when I walked into the room! Then there was the late night phone calls that I assumed was Adam, now I wasn't so sure it had been! I pulled my jacket closer around me & took a long drag on my cigarette as I looked up into the rapidly darkening sky. 'God this place makes Miami sound like paradise!' I thought to myself & smiled. I couldn't wait to get there now, I didn't even know what had possessed me to come back to england in the first place!   
  
I had my back to the building &I didn't hear the door opening but I spun around when I heard footsteps on the gravel close behind me. "It's about tim......" I stared. I couldn't believe who was infront of me at the other side of the car! I opened my mouth but no words would come out! 


	98. Chapter 98

Lost confused Unkind  
  
Chapter 98  
  
"Erm....surprise!" he held his arms out to the side then put them in the pockets of his jeans. I swallowed & threw the rest of my cigarette onto the ground. I saw Sasha & Dwayne's faces peering around the door & I stared at them & shook my head. I wasn't ready for this, not yet & I could've strangled them for it!  
  
"Hi." I muttered.  
  
"Hmm....well it's not exactly the welcome I imagined but it's a start I guess!"  
  
"Look....Jeff I'm sorry but well.....I didn't exactly plan on seeing you for another 2 weeks! It's just...a little erm...unexpected that's all!"  
  
"Ah ok sorry! I should've known it was a bad idea!" he looked down at his feet & I realised what a bitch I was being!  
  
I sighed, "I'm sorry! I just never expected..." I ran a hand through my hair & smiled, "Sasha & Dwayne's idea I take it?"  
  
"Yeah!" he smiled back at me & shuffled his feet in the dirt. "You ah.....wanna take a walk?"  
  
"Yeah sure!" I gave the two conspiritors one final glare & Jeff & I walked around to the side of the building. "So did you bring Jude with you?"  
  
"No.....he's with Dad is that ok?"  
  
"Yeah, that's fine!" I sat down on a wall & he sat down beside me.  
  
"Are you feeling ok?"  
  
"Yeah I'm fine thanks! You?"  
  
He nodded, "Yeah ok."  
  
We looked away from each other. Damn I couldn't believe Sasha & Dwayne had pulled this crap! They must have thought they were doing the right thing but God they couldn't have been more wrong! I didn't want things to be strained like this between me & Jeff, I needed time, time that I thought I had! Looking back now I don't see what difference 2 weeks would have made but at the time I believed it would have given me the opportunity to think about Jeff & try & sort my head out a little!  
  
"Jude's doing great!"  
  
"That's good! Thanks for ah......looking after him!"  
  
"That's no problem! Anytime!" He smiled & looked at his feet. "Bec I'm sorry for comming over! Just Sasha thought you might like to see me maybe?"  
  
"Hmm yeah look don't get me wrong I am gald to see you it's just a bit of a shock that's all!"  
  
"Yeah sure!"  
  
We sat in silence again for a few minutes. I tried desperatly to think of something to say to him.....anything to break this silence!  
  
"How's your dad?"  
  
Jeff ran a hand through his hair & laughed sarcastically. "He's fine. Look Bec this is stupid!"  
  
"Stupid isn't quite the word I'd have used to describe it!"  
  
He stood up, "Come on it's me here! Me & you.....what happened?"  
  
"I don't know." I said quietly.  
  
"I just......well I...." he sighed, "Come here!" He grabbed both of my hands & pulled me off the wall so we were face to face. "I've missed you so much!" I swallowed hard & avoided his eyes. "Bec?"  
  
"Yeah...I missed you too!" I whispered.  
  
"So look at me!"  
  
I closed my eyes & took a deep breath. Slowly I looked up at his face, he was still as beautiful as I remembered, more so probably! It had been so long since I last saw him I don't think my memories did him justice! He touched my cheek, "I'm not asking anything of you, all I wanna do is spend some time with you, talk, hang out that's all ok?" I nodded slowly. "I just want us to be friends again!"  
  
I bit on my lip as tears welled up in my eyes. Slowly I put my arms around his back but it felt like it took every last ounce of strength I had. For some reason I just didn't want to let my guard down & be vunerable, not just to Jeff but to anyone! I felt too fragile inside to let anyone in & I was scared that as soon as I relaxed & took down this invisable 'force field' something would happen & I'd end up back in the hospital....I'd end up crazy again!  
  
As soon as he felt my arms around him he grabbed me & pulled me to him tightly. I heard him take in a deep breath. "God I missed you!" He whispered over my shoulder. It felt good to be in his arms again but at the same time I was wishing he was miles away! It was so confusing, my emotions were all over the place & I felt like screaming! But instead I let him hold me as I breathed in his familliar scent & let the tears slowly rool down my cheeks. 


	99. Chapter 99

Lost,Confused, Unkind  
  
Chapter 99  
  
I wasn't feeling the love I'd felt for him when I'd left cameron. I felt something as I stood there in his arms but I don't know whether the love I'd once felt had gone or perhaps I just wasn't allowing myself to feel it right then! Whatever the case it saddened me that the 'spark' was no longer there. The shivers down my spine when he touched me, the goosebumps I'd felt when his lips brushed my cheek, all of it lost & I wasn't sure that I could get it back or even if I wanted to! Love made people weak & dependant on others & that was one thing I could do without at that point in my life! If I was ever going to get back to 'normal' I needed to try & depend on myself before sharing my life with anyone else. Still, as much as I felt relieved, it hurt me to think that I didn't love Jeff any more! I suppose I just assumed it would always be there, something that I took for granted & I wondered if maybe Jeff could feel it too? It would make my life so much easier if he no longer loved me that was for sure!   
  
He didn't let go of me for a long time! All kinds of thoughts rushed through my head, most of them not making any sense to me & I felt so confused! When he eventually let me go we looked into each others eyes & I knew right then that he had felt it too, that feeling of loss & confusion! I could tell by the look on his face only he looked a hell of a lot more hurt by it than I was!  
  
I swallowed and cleared my throat. "I'd better....erm.......go then!"  
  
"Yeah." He whispered & looked down at his feet. "I'll ah....follow you in a little while...I just..."  
  
"Ok!" I nodded & left him, I needed to be alone & I had a feeling he did too.  
  
Once inside I found an empty locker room & sat down on one of the benches & leaned my back against the wall. Why must my life be so complicated? Nothing had gone right for me since the day I arrived in Cameron! I felt alone, isolated in my misery & I thought maybe the world would be a better place if I just disappeared! Why did Matt have to die anyway? Things would have worked out, he loved me, he told me he loved me & we would've been married by now! I would have been living a normal life in Cameron with Matt, the love of my life! It suddenly hit me what the problem was! All this time I'd used Mick as an excuse, trying to block out the full & final fact that Matt was THE love of my life!I would never get over losing him, he was the ONE the 'Mr Right'! The perfect love that everyone dreams of, my one & only & what did I go & do? Kill him! I let out a laugh that sounded hollow in the silence of the empty room! The P.A. system crackled and the speaker in the top corner of the room began spouting out how it was half an hour to showtime follwed by the unmistakeable vocals of Steven Tyler as Aerosmith's 'Jainie's Got A Gun' started. I stared up at the speaker.  
  
"Run away! Run away from the pain!"  
  
"Yeah Steve! Great idea but I have no where to run to!" I muttered to myself.  
  
"Run away! Run away from the pain yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!"  
  
"Oh shut up!" I yelled at Steven Tyler & put my hands to my ears! It was then that the smell hit me, burning the back of my throat, swirling around my head as if it was alive! I froze & closed my eyes tightly, "Go away! Go away!" I whispered, but still the Tommy was thick in the air, threatening to choke me. "You're not real!" Tears started to roll down my cheeks & my lip trembled, "Go away! Go away! Go away!" 


	100. Chapter 100

Lost Confused Unkind  
  
Chapter 100  
  
I stood up & backed into a corner, all the while scanning the room, looking for a sign that I wasn't alone! I was shaking all over & still had my hands over my ears! I heard a noise & squeezed my eyes tightly shut as I turned my face into the wall.  
  
"Go away!" I whispered.  
  
"Bec?" I froze as I felt a hand take hold of mine. "Hey what's wrong?" It suddenly hit me who's voice it was & I felt like such an idiot! Slowly I opened my eyes, " Are you ok? You want me to go & get someone?"  
  
I swallowed, "Adam! N....no I'm fine!" I quickly wiped my face, "I'm sorry I thought this room was empty!"  
  
"Hey that's ok I was just in the shower and I heard someone shout! You had me worried!" He smiled, "Are you sure you don't want me to go and get someone? Sasha? Dwayne?"  
  
"No really I'm ok!" I looked down to see him in only his tight black jeans & suddenly felt the urge to leave as quickly as I could! "I'm just gonna.....erm....go!" I took a step towards the door.  
  
"You can stay if you wanna hang out here for a while?"  
  
"No! Thankyou but I think I'll just go & find Dwayne!" I turned the handle, "Oh and Adam?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Since when did you start using Tommy? It stinks man!"  
  
"Tommy? I er....I don't use Tommy! Why?"  
  
I sniffed the air again, he wasn't lying, the smell had gone! "Oh...um....my mistake!" I pulled open the door to see Jeff comming along the corridor! In a reflex reaction I quickly shut the door again & turned my back to it! "Shit!"  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"Oh ah....." I sighed, "Jeff's outside!" I smiled sheepishly at him.  
  
"And? You're in here now that doesn't figure!" He put his hands on his hips, "You don't want to see him I take it?"  
  
"Not right now! Do you mind if I hang here for a while?"  
  
"Of course I don't!" He smiled & gestured to the bench but before I could move there was a knock on the door. I stared at Adam! "Who is it?" He shouted.  
  
"Adam is that you dude?"  
  
"Shit!" I whispered.  
  
"Ok shhh! Get in there!" He pulled on my arm & shoved me into the bathroom & closed the door quietly. "Yeah Jeff it's me! Come in!" I heard him shout. There was a couple of minutes of the usual 'How have you been? how's work?' etc & then I heard Jeff ask if he'd seen me! I held my breath!  
  
"Bec? Um no no can't say that I have! She's probably with Sasha and Dwayne somewhere!"  
  
"Ah right! Ok well if you see her can you tell her I'm looing for her & we need to talk?"  
  
"Sure! Things ok with you two?" Adam asked.  
  
"Ah no not really but I hope,.......ah it doesn't matter! Just give her the message will ya?"  
  
"No worries!"  
  
"Ok see ya & good luck for your match tonight! Eddie right?"  
  
"Chavo!"  
  
"Ah right! God luck!"  
  
"Thanks man!"  
  
I heard the door close, "Ok you can come out now!" I slowly opened the door & crept into the room rolling my eyes. Adam laughed, "You owe me big time!"  
  
"Yeah! Thanks for that Adam!"  
  
"Now you wanna tell me what's goin on?" He patted the bench beside where he was sitting & I sat down & leaned my head against the wall.  
  
"Oh nothing! Just the usual!"  
  
"And that is?"  
  
"Bec fucks up again! Same old same old!"  
  
He smiled & shook his head, "What have you done now?"  
  
" I think.....well it's complicated! You don't wanna know!" I forced a smile.  
  
"Sure I do!" He patted my leg. Damn how I wished he would put a shirt on!  
  
"Well I think Jeff thought that I would just fall at his feet....ok I thought that too to be honest but......oh I dunno! It's weird!"  
  
"You were in love with jeff right?"  
  
"Hmm..."  
  
"And now you're not?"Adam raised his eyebrows & I shook my head, "That's not weird!"  
  
"It's not?"  
  
"Hell no! Things change! People change! I mean you haven't seen each other in a while!"  
  
"Yeah I know but I'm starting to think maybe I never actually loved him in the first place!"  
  
"Not necessarilly!"  
  
"How do you figure that?" I smiled at him & he shrugged his shoulders.  
  
"People fall out of love as easilly as they fall into it sometimes!"  
  
"This wicked world we live in!" I smiled & tucked my hair behind my ear. (Please God make him put a fucking shirt on!) "You sound as though you're speaking from experiance?"  
  
"Yeah maybe!"  
  
"Is everything ok with you & sasha?" I wrinkled my brow.  
  
"What? Oh yeah yeah! Everything's great!"  
  
"So you gonna tell me what you meant?"  
  
"I'm just being phylosophical!"  
  
"Betcha can't spell that!" I winked.  
  
"Listen matey do you wanna hear my theory on life or not?" He nudged me. (Why wasn't he fully dressed???)  
  
"Ok go on! I'm on the Edge of my seat!"  
  
"Wouldn't you rather be on the seat of your Edge?" he wiggled his eyebrows & patted his lap!  
  
"Asshole! I giggled, "Ok come on then! Life according to Copeland! What's your theory?"  
  
"Well I just think that time away from someone can make you realise that maybe you don't need them anymore like you thought you did! Sometimes it gives you the chance to get them out of your head & see that you can live without them around!" I nodded slowly, "But sometimes it works the opposite! It makes you realise that when they aren't there you constantly crave to be around them!" We stared at each other & I gulped.  
  
"Does it?" I said quietly & he nodded slowly as he looked into my eyes. "Well I think you're wrong!" I snapped at him & stood up quickly but he grabbed my arm & turned me to face him.  
  
"Bec!"  
  
"Adam no!" I whispered. 


	101. Chapter 101

Lost Confused Unkind  
  
Chapter 101  
  
We stood there staring at each other & I just wanted to run but my legs wouldn't move. "I'm sorry!" He whispered & leaned in to kiss me.  
  
"No!" I gently pushed him back feeling his hot naked flesh beneath my fingers. "I won't let you break her heart Adam! This can not happen! OK?" My head was spinning.  
  
"I know it's crazy Bec but..." He stepped closer to me & I took a step backwards.  
  
"But nothing! Jesus!" I ran a hand through my hair. Again he stepped closer to me, "I thought you loved Sasha?"  
  
"I did! I do! But I just....I can't help it! I know it's wrong but it....it's driving me crazy!" He touched my cheek & I closed my eyes.  
  
"Adam dude I just..."  
  
I froze & slowly opened my eyes to see Jeff in the dorrway staring at us in disbelief!  
  
"Jeff! Hey....ah...." Adam quickly took a step backwards & ran a hand through his hair nervously. Jeff bit the corner of his mouth, nodded slowly & held up his hands as he backed out into the corridor & out of sight. Adam & I looked at each other in silence for a few seconds & then I made for the door.  
  
"BEC!" He grabbed my arm & I shook him off & turned to face him.  
  
"If you have any feelings for me then you end it with Sasha right now!" I spat at him.  
  
"And then what?"  
  
I Laughed sarcastically & shook my head, "And then what? Well either I totally screw my best friend & me & you live happilly ever after or ...." I got right up in his face, "You fuck off back to canada & stay the hell out of both of our lives! I wonder which option you will get you son of a bitch!" With that I staromed out of the room & hoped I could find Jeff and explain before he told anyone what he thought he had just seen!  
  
I looked for him for over 20 minutes & eventually gave up & went outside for a cigarette! Y'know how they say you find what you're looking for the minute you stop looking for it? I almost ran into the back of Jeff when I barged through the doors!  
  
"JEFF!" He turned slightly, his arms folded across his chest & then looked away again. "I've been looking for you! We need to talk!"  
  
"Do we?"  
  
"Don't be like this!" I Walked around to the front of him, "What you saw in there wasn't what it looked like!"  
  
"It doesn't really matter does it?"  
  
I swallowed hard, "It matters to me! Look Adam is with Sasha now and..."  
  
"I know he is that's what made it all the more confusing!"  
  
"It was nothing jeff! I swear to you it just looked bad that's all!" He sighed and sat down on a nearby step. Loud booming sounds came from inside signalling the start of the show & we both glanced at the doors.  
  
"You're gonna miss the show!" he said quietly.  
  
"I don't care about the show!" I yelled at him, "Talk to me Jeff!"  
  
'Ok, is that the reason?"  
  
"What?"  
  
He stood up & pointed to the door, "That! Him! Is that the reason you don't...." he bit on his lip.  
  
"No!"  
  
"Well then what happened? What the hell happened because I don't even know how I could've done anything wrong! I haven't seen you to piss you off!"  
  
"You haven't pissed me off!"  
  
He grabbed my arms, "So what happened? why isn't it the same?"  
  
I shook my head, "I don't know!"  
  
"Bec!" he looked into my eyes, "Do you love me? I mean are you IN love with me?"  
  
I reached up and touched his cheek, "Jeff...." I took a deep breath & shook my head. He let out a breath and looked up at the sky, "I'm sorry!" I whispered, "Sit down, let's talk please?"  
  
"Well....Adam's a lucky guy then!" He started for the door.  
  
"It's nothing to do with Adam!" I shouted but still he headed for the door. "JEFF!" I needed him to stop walking! I wanted us to talk! "It's not Adam it's Matt!" He stopped in his tracks & looked down at his feet, "I still love Matt! I'm sorry! Please don't walk away from me!"  
  
"He sure is a hard act to follow!" he said quietly & slowly he turned to face me.  
  
"Yes he is!" I nodded as he slowly walked back towards me, then past me & sat back down on the step.  
  
"Why didn't you say something?"  
  
"I didn't know myself!" I sat down beside him, "Well maybe I did deep down but......I used so many excuses as to why I wasn't getting on with my life, hell I even started to see my psycho ex boyfriend!" I Laughed sarcastically.  
  
"But we had something Bec! You said you loved me!" He stared out across the parking lot.  
  
"I know & I thought I did Jeff believe me! I would never have said those things to you if I didn't believe it was true! I dunno what happened, we went through so fucking much together y'know? Maybe I wanted to be in love with you.........I honestly don't know!" I ran my hands through my hair & just wished I hadn't gotten out of bed that morning! What with Adam & Sasha, Shannon & Sarah...Jeff! If all of this shit didn't put me back in the mental ward then nothing would! Not even Mick! 


	102. Chapter 102

Lost Confused Unkind  
  
Chapter 102  
  
We sat in silence for a while listening to the loud beat of the music and the roar of the crowd from inside. If I was honest with myself I still did want to be in love with Jeff! I mean how perfect would it have been if I could have just fallen in love with him? My life would have been so much easier!  
  
"Jeff?" I touched his arm, "Be honest with me......you don't feel the same either do you?" He let out a laugh & looked up at the sky.  
  
"I don't know anymore! That's the God's honest truth! Yesterday I knew I was in love with you....I was so sure of it!"  
  
"And toady?"  
  
He shook his head, "I don't know!" I nodded slowly & he turned & looked me in the eye, "We can get it back Bec I know we can!"  
  
"I don't know that I want it back!" As soon as the words were out of my mouth I was wishing I'd never said them! He looked like I'd just slapped him in the face! "Look Matt was..." I sighed, "Matt was my 'one' can you understand that?" He looked away & I turned his face towards mine again, "He was the love of my life Jeff and well I don't know if anyone can ever match up to that of even if I want anyone to! Can you just tell me you understand what I'm trying to say?"  
  
"Yeah." He said quietly.  
  
"I'll never get over him and right now I don't want to! I just..." I looked at the sky trying to hold back my tears, "I'd give anything to have him back & I feel so angry! I was cheated y'know? He loved me & it was the best feeling in the world and then it was just like someone thought 'Hang on Rebecca is way too happy down there! Let's pull the rug out from under her before she gets to live the happy ever after!' I could scream Jeff! It's so fucking unfair!" I tried so hard not to cry but I couldn't help it! "And Jude didn't deserve to have me for a mother!"  
  
"Hey now come on you are a good mother!"  
  
"HA! Jeff you have no fucking idea!" I wiped my face on my sleeve, "He doesn't even know me for God's sake! Jesus every time I look at that little boy I see Matt & it hurts Jeff! It fucking hurts so much!" He took me in his arms, "I can't even be a mother to him! I just can't do it it's too hard! I want Matt back! I miss him so much!"  
  
"Shhh! So do I!" He whispered as he stroked my back, "It's gonna be ok!" He held me at arms length, "I'll see that Jude's ok until you're ready ok?"  
  
"Oh Jeff!" I threw my arms around his neck & Sobbed, "I'm sorry! I'm so fucking sorry!"  
  
I sobbed into his shoulder & couldn't seem to stop for over 10minutes. when I eventually calmed down a little he brushed the hair from my face. "God I'm sorry!" I sniffed, " I must look ridiculous!" I wiped my face with the sleeve of my shirt & took a deep breath.  
  
"No you don't! It's ok! You don't need to keep appologising!"  
  
"I just feel like I need to take a step back from everything y'know? Just for a little while! Get my head straight and just fucking sort myself out!"  
  
"I know! That's understandable! You've had a lot to deal with!" He touched my cheek & smiled at me, "Take as long as you need, weeks, months, years!" He smiled again, "I'll look after Jude!" I swallowed hard as a lump grew in my throat & I tried not to burst into tears again! I kissed his cheek softly & he closed his eyes for a second. "It'll be ok in the end! You'll see!"  
  
"Yeah!" I smiffed again, "I'm sure it will!"  
  
"Y'know the funny thing is I kinda love that Jude looks like Matt!" He laughed, "He's like a mini Matt!" I bit on my lip, "You'll love it too someday! Trust me!"  
  
"I'm moving to Miami with Dwayne!" I blurted out trying to change the subject.  
  
"Oh. Right!" he nodded, "Ok that's um....cool then...I guess!"  
  
"Yeah I think it'll do me good! I fucking hate this place!" I sighed, "So, at least I'll be in the same country as my son!" I laughed sarcastically.  
  
"But ah you & Dwayne aren't ah.."  
  
"God no!" I laughed & sniffed, wiping my face, "He's just my friend that's all!" Jeff nodded, "I'm sorry it all turned out this way!"  
  
"Don't be sorry!" He smiled, "I don't hear no fat lady singing do you?"  
  
I smiled, "No!"  
  
"Well then.....lets just see what life throws us ok?"  
  
"I'd be happy if life just stopped throwing things at me!" I smiled, "Just for a little while I'd like a quiet uneventful couple of weeks!"  
  
Jeff nodded, "Yup! I hope that's just what you get! You need it!" He patted my leg, "so....what was the deal with Copeland back there?"  
  
I sighed, "No deal! Just al ittle hiccup that I sorted out before it even began!" He raised his eyebrows, "Come on Jeff I'd never do that to Sasha and you know it! I Don't even think Adam would either to be honest!" I laughed, "I think maybe he took too many 'stupidity' pills this morning!"  
  
"Yeah!" Jeff laughed, "That or the dude's been popping Viagra!"  
  
We both laughed! It was nice to sit there & laugh with him again, at least we had that much left of our relationship! I think Jeff had the same thought as me because he turned and smiled before putting his arms around me again! 


	103. Chapter 103

Lost confused Unkind  
  
Chapter 103  
  
We ended up missing the entire show without realising! We sat out there half the damn night just talking, catching up & reliving old times! The subject had turned to Matt on more than one occasion & I had managed each time to change it as quickly as I could! I thought Jeff wouldn't notice but he had!  
  
"You don't like to talk about him much do you?"  
  
"Who?" I said innocently, knowing fine well who he was talking about!  
  
He smiled, "Matt!"  
  
"Oh...erm....well I guess I ah....I don't get much of a chance to talk about him really!"  
  
"You could've talked about him to me tonight!" I hung my head, "Bec I don't get to talk about him much either & well I want to! I NEED to! Dad just....well he doesn't like to...."  
  
"It hurts too much Jeff!" I closed my eyes & sighed. God how was I meant to tell Jeff that I killed his brother? He would never forgive me if he knew the truth but the guilt was eating me up inside! I never was a very good liar!  
  
"But it only hurts because you bottle it all up inside! If you talked..."  
  
"Talking doesn't help me & it doesn't change anything! God all I've done is talk for the past few weeks! Doctors & shrinks, the entire UK fucking medical profession knows all about my life!"  
  
"You could talk to strangers about it but not to me?"  
  
"Nah....I filled them full of bullshit actually!" Jeff smiled & shook his head, "Even told one silly bitch I was a fucking pole dancer in Las Vegas!"  
  
Jeff burst out laughing, "You ididot!"  
  
"Ah ha! There you are! You missed the damn show!" Sasha sat her ass down next to mine & lit a cigarette, "I'm not um...interrupting anything am I?"  
  
"No! Just talking!" I smiled, "How was the show?"  
  
"Awesome as usual! Oh except Adam got a stink face!"  
  
"Oh what a shame!" Jeff said sarcastically & I shot him a look!  
  
"Yeah I told him if he thinks I'm kissin' that mouth tonight he can think again!"  
  
I cleared my throat nervously, "Erm....where is Adam gonna be staying tonight by the way?"  
  
"At the hotel! Oh I am too....if you don't mind?"  
  
"No! No! Not at all! Come to think of it where are you staying?" I turned to Jeff.  
  
"Oh ah..."  
  
"At your place! Erm is that ok? Just we kinda arranged it?" Sasha looked at me sheepishly.  
  
"No that's fine! My two favourite guys in one place!" I smiled & stood up, "Talking of which I'd better go & find ole Rocky!"  
  
"Ok I'll be in when I've finished this smoke!" I smiled & left Sasha & Jeff outside while I went in to look for Dwayne.  
  
Sods law the first person I bump into is Adam!  
  
"Hey! Can we talk?" he opened the door to an empty locker room & I eyed him suspiciously before going inside. He cleared his throat, "I'm sorry! What happened before I..."  
  
"Adam look we were so lucky it was Jeff & not Sasha that walked in on us! What were you thinking?"  
  
"I wasn't thinking that was the problem!" he hung his head, "I didn't mean what I said & I'm sorry for putting you in that position!"  
  
I sighed, "So what the hell possessed you to do something like that? Do you realise you almost threw away your whole relationship with someone that's head over heels for you man?"  
  
"She is?" he smiled.  
  
"Yeah she is!" I smiled despite the fact that I wanted to punch his lights out!  
  
"I dunno.....I haven't seen you in so long and....well it was just wrong & it won't happen again! Not with you or anyone else!"  
  
"You mean you were letting your dick lead the way?" He looked down at the floor, "GOD! Men are so predictable!"  
  
"It won't happen again Bec I swear! I don't wanna lose her! I mean that!"  
  
When he looked up at me I knew he was telling the truth & my anger subsided a little! "Ok Adam but I swear if you ever try to pull this crap again...."  
  
"I won't I promise!"   
  
I nodded slowly, "We need to be friends me & you y'know?"  
  
"Yeah I know! I can if you can?"  
  
"Yeah for Sasha's sake I will put up with your ugly mush!" I prodded him & he smiled.  
  
"Friends then?" He held out his hand & I shook it.  
  
"You're on probation Copeland!" I raised my eyesbrows at him & he nodded as I left the room to go & find Dwayne.  
  
I was actually looking forward to having both him & Jeff at my house for the night! If Shannon could have come too it would have been perfect but no way was I putting up with Sara's crap all night, not even for Shan! I decided it was totally out of my hands, none of my business! Sure he was a good friend but he was old enough to look out for himself & make his own mistakes! If and when she broke his heart....then I would kick her ass! Until then Shannon was on his own! I had enough to deal with! 


	104. Chapter 104

Lost confused Unkind  
  
Chapter 104  
  
That night was the most fun I'd had in months & I found it hard to say goodbye to Jeff the next afternoon! I got my wish & had a pretty uneventful 2 weeks leading up to the big UK PPV! The time past by too quickly though and I had a lot to get organised ready to leave for Miami with Dwayne! My folks hadn't been too happy that I was once again moving half way around the world & leaving my son in another State! I eventually persuaded Dad it was the best thing for Jude but Mum was another story! She worried, I suppose I would always be her little girl no matter how old I was & she really wanted me to stay in England! But at least I was sure in my own mind that I was doing the right thing & I was determined to sort my life out before I even thought about getting Jude back! I knew he would be fine with Jeff & Gilbert and they'd look after him better than I felt I could at that point in my life!  
  
Before I knew it the day of Insurrextion arrived & most of my belongings were packed into crates & ready to go into storage or shared between my Mum & my sister! Sasha & I were really excited to see betty again & find out her news! Sasha was still convinced she was gonna tell us she was pregnant but I wasn't so sure! To be honest I didn't really care what her news was I was just looking forward to seeing her so much! By the time we arrived at the arena I think we'd driven poor Dwayne crazy we were so hyped! We almost ran into the building to look for Betty while Dwayne went to go through his match with some of the guys! It wasn't long before I spotted Chris!  
  
"CHRIIIIIIISSSSS!" I threw my arms around him!  
  
"Hey Bec! Woah! What a welcome!" he laughed as he hugged me.  
  
"Where's Betty?" Sasha said dancing around impatiently.  
  
"She's around somewhere! Hey Sasha!" He said sarcastiacally & gave her a hug! "I think she went off to look for you guys with Helms!"  
  
"Awww man! I'm dying to see her!" I whined & Chris laughed.  
  
"Yeah me too!" Sasha moaned. "I er...hear she has some news for us?" She raised her eyebrows.  
  
"She does?" Chris said, trying to look innocent & Sasha playfully slapped his arm.  
  
I looked around at the hustle & bustle of people comming & going, trying to spot Betty, when my eyes suddenly stopped on a blonde guy at the opther side of the arena! I smiled to myself, "Hey guys I'll be right back! If Betty gets here hold onto her til I get back!" I Slowly made my way across the arena, "Blonde huh?"  
  
Jeff turned around & smiled, "Hey Bec!" He hugged me.  
  
"Y'know I can never spot you in a crowd cause I never know what colour you damn hair is gonna be!" I laughed & ruffled his now short & blonde hair!  
  
"I get bored real easy what can I say!" He grinned, "So how have you been?"  
  
"Good thanks! You?"  
  
"Yeah pretty good!" he nodded, "I missed you!" I swallowed hard.  
  
"Um yeah I missed you too!" I forced a smile, "Erm have you seen Betty around here by the way? I can't wait to see her!"  
  
"Um yeah! She's right there!" Jeff laughed.  
  
I quickly turned around to see betty standing about 10 feet away from me, arms folded across her chest & her eyebrows raised as she looked from me to Jeff & back again!  
  
"BETTY!!!!!" I screamed & grabbed her!  
  
"Nothin' goin' on my ass!" She said in my ear as we hugged!  
  
"GOD Girl! Give it a rest already!" I giggled, "I missed you too!"  
  
She laughed & looked past me at Jeff, "Would you two just screw and get it over with!" Jeff turned slightly red & looked away.  
  
"Betty!!" I hissed & she laughed again.  
  
"I thought I could smell kangaroo!" We both spun around, Sasha stood there grinning at Betty!  
  
"Cheeky cow!" Betty giggled.  
  
"So come on then what's the news?" Sasha said excitedly as she hugged Betty!  
  
"Aw I wasn't gonna tell you until later tonight!"  
  
"Don't you dare!" I laughed.  
  
"Ok! Ok! CHRIS!" She yelled & waved him over. "Jeff come here! Come on!" Jeff & chris both wandered over to us, "Aw where's Dwayne? I wanted him to be here too!"  
  
"Oh come on Betty you're killin us here!" Sasha whined.  
  
"Alright! ok!" she put her arm around Chris' waist & grinned, "Well me and Chrstopher would like to tell you all that..."  
  
"Hey what's goin on here?" We all groaned as Dwayne walked over.  
  
"Shhhh!" Sasha hissed! "Go on Betty!"  
  
"Ok well screw the speach now, we're getting married!"  
  
Sasha & I stared at each other in disbelief! 'OH MY GOD!" I squealed & hugged her.  
  
"I think I'm gonna cry!" Sasha joined in the hug and as we almost smothered her, Jeff & Dwayne both congratulated Chris!  
  
"Don't I get one of those?" Chris tapped Sasha & I on the shoulder, I ignored him while Sasha gave hima hug!  
  
"Betty I'm so happy for you two! it's like the BEST news!" I squeezed her again, "I can't believe it!" I giggled.  
  
"Yeah me either! And to think it'a all down to you!" She smiled & prodded me on the shoulder.  
  
I cocked my head to one side, "Hm...yeah I guess it is huh?" I smiled, "I AM the WWE dating agency!"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Yeah y'know, you & Chris, Sasha & Adam...."  
  
"ADAM? WHAT? Woah woah woah! She's with Adam?!"  
  
"You didn't know already?"  
  
"Jay told me she was with Spanky!"  
  
I burst out laughing, "What have I told you about believing that idiot?"  
  
"Man I thought he was a bit young but......ok I'm gonna kill the jerk!" she laughed, "so, Adam huh? I'm taking it we mean your Adam here?"  
  
"NO! Not MY Adam Betty!" I said through gritted teeth.  
  
"Not any more!" Sasha peered over my shoulder.  
  
"Oh ah I'm sorry Sash I didn't mean...."  
  
"It's ok!" she smiled.  
  
We all stood back a little, me beside Jeff, Sasha beside Dwayne & Betty with her arm around Chris & I smiled as I looked around at the 6 of us!  
  
"So when's the big day?" Sasha asked.  
  
"We don't really know yet!" Betty looked up at Chris and he kissed her forehead. It made me smile to see them so happy & yet at the same time I couldn't help feeling that sense of loss that often crept over me. Every time I saw a family in the park or a young couple holding hands. Once I even stopped my car opposite a church & cried silently as I watched the newly wed couple walk along the path in a shower of confetti! I felt an arm around my waist & snapped back to reality.  
  
"You ok?" Jeff whispered.  
  
"Yeah!" I gulped, "I'm fine!" I forced a smile & he squeezed me slightly while the rest of them seemed to talk & talk without stopping for breath! My head suddenly became full of a hundred voices all talking at once! My eyes saw lips & teeth everywhere, I looked & blinked over & over trying to clear my head. It became very warm all of a sudden & I put a hand to my forehead feeling the sweat beginning to form there! Without thinking I bolted, running for the door, I needed air & I didn't stop until I found the emergancy exit & sank to my ass on a wall outside. 


	105. Chapter 105

Lost confused Unkind  
  
Chapter 105  
  
I wiped my face on my sleeve & took deep breaths trying to calm my heart that was racing in my chest. I put my head in my hands, I wasn't really sure what had just happened! Was I going crazy again?  
  
"Bec! Are you ok?" Betty sank to her knees infront of me & lifted my head.  
  
"Yeah I'm fine! I'm sorry!"  
  
"Hey it's ok! What's wrong? You don't look so good!"  
  
"There you are!" Sasha put her arm around me and sat down, "Are you ok?"  
  
I gulped, "Yes I'm fine! I just felt a little woozy in there, it was hot! But I'll be ok honestly!"  
  
Betty & Sasha glanced at each other & then back to me, "Bec I'm sorry! I didn't think!"  
  
"You've got nothing to be sorry about! I swear Betty I just felt a bit sick that's all!"  
  
"Sweetie you can talk to us y'know?" Sasha squeezed me.  
  
"It's nothing!"  
  
"No, it's all this talk of weddings! I just didn't think! I mean you & Matt..."  
  
"It's not that!" I snapped.  
  
"It's ok! It's totally understandable!" Sasha rubbed my arm.  
  
"Is it? Is it really? After all this time I still...." I sighed, "Look I'm fine ok? I just needed some air!"  
  
"Maybe if you just talked about it...."  
  
"Betty I'm always whining on about Matt to you guys ok? Just leave it!"  
  
"Erm no you're not!" Sasha said, "you NEVER talk about Matt!" I bit on my lip, "Bec I'm not gonna get on your case ok? I just think it would be better if you..."  
  
"Oh and what would you know about it?" I said sarcastically & Sasha seemed to feeze.  
  
"I know enough!" She stood up and went back inside & I slapped my hand to my forehead!  
  
"Dammit!" Betty got up & sat beside me, "I didn't mean to..." I sighed, "God the drama queen has ruined the day again!"  
  
"It's ok!" Betty said quietly as we stared off into space.  
  
The door burst open & Sasha stormed out followed by Jeff & Dwayne.  
  
"YOU WANNA KNOW SOMETHING?" She pointed in my face & I stood up trying to say I was sorry but she wouldn't let me. "I THINK IT'S TIME YOU STOPPED FEELING FUCKING SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND GOT ON WITH YOUR LIFE!" She yelled in my face. I saw Dwayne try to take hold of her arm but she shrugged him off.   
  
"Sasha I,......"  
  
"YOU WALK AROUND LIKE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE IN THE WORLD WITH PROBLEMS WELL NEWS FLASH BEC, YOU'RE NOT!" I stared at her unblinking, "YOU NEED TO GET A FUCKING GRIP!"  
  
"Sasha!" Jeff took a step towards her & she held up her hand to stop him.  
  
"No! I'm not finished! This has to be said! IM SICK OF IT BEC! YOU THINK MATT WOULD WANT YOU MOPING AAROUND FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?" I bit on my lip & gulped, "GOD BEC! I love you like a sister but this has to stop ok? You're not helping yourself to get out of this rut! I know what it's like & God I know it hurts believe me I've been there! But you have to start living your life! You're bringing everyone else down & I don't know how to help you any more!" I could see she was shaking she was so mad at me! "MATT ISNT HERE ANYMORE ! MATT IS DEAD!"  
  
Without thinking I slapped her face and immediately Jeff grabbed hold of my arms and dwayne put his arm infront of Sasha.  
  
"I never asked for your help! I don't need your help!" I spat at her.  
  
"Guys come on!" Betty said nervously.  
  
"Well you need someone's fucking help Bec I swear to God!" Sasha touched her cheek where I'd hit her & I made a lunge for her, breaking free of jeff's grip & grabbing hold of her hair with both hands as she caught my left shin with her foot.  
  
"FUCK!" Jeff put both of his arms around my waist & spun me around so he was inbetween us while Dwayne grabbed Sasha & lifted her off her feet! I back kicked Jeff right in the nuts & he sank to the ground with both hands on his crotch!  
  
"Fucking bitch!" I yelled & made a dive for Sasha knocking both her & Dwayne onto the ground as I wildly swung my fists hoping by some chance I'd actually hit something! For about a minute we rolled in the dirt kicking shit out of each other! I even managed to kick Dwayne off us twice in the meyhem!  
  
"Guys!" Betty yelled. "GUYS FOR FUCKS SAKE!" She reached down & grabbed Sasha off me, both of them landing on their asses in the dirt. "WHAT THE FUCK? ARE YOU BOTH ON DRUGS!" she screamed. I sat up gasping for air, blood trickling out of my lip, covered in dirt with my hair sticking up in all directions! Sasha looked much the same as me, minus the blood! Betty & Dwayne were now both on their asses in the dirt looking totally bewildered and Jeff, still holding onto his balls was trying to drag himself to his feet by using the wall with his free hand! It was chaos! Sasha & I stared at each other, breathless.  
  
"Ok!" Dwayne scrambled to his feet & dusted off his trousers. He bent down, grabbed my arm & hoisted me to my feet. "INSIDE!" he pushed me towards the door & I pulled my arm free of his grip.  
  
"Fuck off!"  
  
"I said INSIDE! It wasn't a question!" I stared at him, "NOW!" he yelled & I jumped slightly before turning and banging the door open as I went back inside. 


	106. Chapter 106

Lost Confused Unkind  
  
Chapter 106  
  
He grabbed the top of my arm as we walked along the corridor. "Would you please stop that!" I glared at him.  
  
"No! If you are going to act like a child then I'm going to treat you like one!"  
  
"Oh for God's sake! It wasn't me acting like the child actually!"  
  
"It wasn't? Well that does surprise me because the last time I saw two people fighting in the parking lot I was in junior high! Get in there!" he pushed me into his locker room. "Sit!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Sit down!"  
  
I sighed & looked at my feet then reluctantly I did as he asked & sat on one of the benches. he paced the small room with his hand on his forehead. "Dwayne I..."  
  
"What the hell was going on out there? I mean what the HELL?" I stared at the wall, "Bec! Jesus she's your best friend!"  
  
"Not any more apparently! You saw what went on! You heard what she said to me!"  
  
"What did she say that was so bad?"  
  
"Everything she said was bad! Were you not listening?"  
  
"Maybe I wasn't because I heard her telling it to you straight!"  
  
"What?" My eyes widened, "She....she said that......I...I moped around!"  
  
"That's true!"  
  
"Ok well she....she said ah....that I felt sorry for myself!"  
  
"You do!"  
  
I stared at him coldly! "And she said I thought I was the only one in the world with problems!"  
  
"Do you think that?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Ok well 2 out of 3 ain't bad!"  
  
"And....and she said Matt was....." I paused, he was right, she had been telling me straight!  
  
"What? Dead? Is that NOT true?"  
  
"Yes!" I whispered.  
  
"And?" he stopped pacing the floor & put his hands on his hips.  
  
"Nothing!" I said quietly & looked away.  
  
He sighed & sat down beside me, "You didn't have to do that y'know?"  
  
"I know! I'm sorry!"  
  
"It's not me you need to be appologising to is it?" He put his arm around my shoulders, "You need to go & find Sasha & sort this out ok?"  
  
"Yeah I know! God I don't know what came over me!"  
  
"Me either! I'm gonna have to watch my back from now on!" he smiled, "And ah I don't think Jeff will ever cross you again!"  
  
"Jeff! Oh my God! Was he that bad?"  
  
"There was tears in his eyes!" Dwayne squeezed me slightly & shook his head, "Ok come on then! We'll go & find both of them! You ok now?" he gently touched my lip with his fingertip.  
  
"Yeah it's just a scratch!"  
  
"Meeeeow!" Dwayne smiled & I laughed a little! "You're ok though?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"You're calm?"  
  
"Yes I'm calm!"  
  
"You sure cause I think if round 2 starts I'm just gonna let you kill each other?" He raised his eyebrows & smiled.  
  
"Yes I'm sure I'm calm!"  
  
"Good!" He stood up & pulled me off the bench & into his arms, "Don't make me get tough on you again woman!"  
  
"That was you being tough?" I looked up at him.  
  
"Hell yeah! It worked didn't it?"  
  
I walked to the door, "Naaah! I was just humoring you!" I winked & opened the door.  
  
"Yeah!" he sniggerred, "Right! Sure you were! Don't give me that crap!"  
  
"I'm tellin' it to ya straight!"  
  
"You were shaking I had you so scared!"  
  
"Was not!"  
  
"Yes you....WERE!" I jumped & he laughed.  
  
"Bastard!" I slapped his arm.  
  
"Ah you know you love me!"  
  
We stepped out into the corridor to come face to face with Sasha & Jeff! I couldn't even look her in the eye I felt so damn stupid!  
  
"Bec."  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"Right well I'm sure you don't wanna do this in the hallway so...." Dwayne reached over me & opened the door, "Ladies?" He gestured for us to go inside, we did, slowly! Once we were alone I cleared my throat.  
  
"Sasha I'm sorry!"  
  
"Yeah so am I! I had no right to say those things to you!"  
  
"Yes you did!" I smiled, "They were all true!"  
  
"Still I shouldn't have....."  
  
"It's not your fault! I acted like a child & I feel like such an idiot!"  
  
"Me too!" She smiled, "friends?"  
  
I stepped forward & hugged her, "Yeah! Friends!" I squeezed her tightly.  
  
"Well they say you aren't true friends until you can fight & make up again!" She said over my shoulder.  
  
"I don't wanna fight with you again! Damn you can throw a punch!" I laughed.  
  
"Yeah? Well you hit like a girl!" She nudged me.  
  
"I am a girl! I have every right to hit like one!" We both laughed.  
  
"We're a couple of idiots ya know that?" She sighed, "look at the state of us?"  
  
"Yeah I know!" I started giggling, "Man the look on Dwayne's face.....it was priceless!"  
  
"Yeah! He shit bricks!" She laughed, "And Jeff! Couple of Jesse's!"  
  
"Shit how is Jeff?"  
  
"Ah he's walking a bit lop-sided but he'll live!"  
  
"I better go & see him! Is he pissed at me?"  
  
"He's pretending to be pissed at you!"  
  
"Ah....well I better go & soften him up then!"  
  
"Be gentle with him!" Sasha winked.  
  
"Sash? We're ok now? You & me?"  
  
She stood up & hugged me again, "Yeah we're great! Now go on do your 'Florence Nightingale' thing!"  
  
"Ok!" I smiled & went to the door.  
  
"Ya never know if you're lucky enough he might ask you to inspect the bruises!"  
  
"Not if he doesn't want them kicking again he won't!" I laughed & went to try & find Jeff, hoping he wasn't pretending too hard to be pissed at me! 


	107. Chapter 107

Lost Confused Unkind  
  
Chapter 107  
  
I eventually found Jeff's locker room & knocked on the door. I was greeted not by Jeff but by a half naked super hero!  
  
"SHANE!"  
  
"BEC! Err....." he fumbled with the towel around his waist, "Hi! Erm I didn't expect to..." he gestured to the towel.  
  
"Hmm.....obviously not!" I smirked, "Is Jeff here?"  
  
"Yeah he's just in the bathroom....come in! He's gettin ready for the show!"  
  
I stepped inside, "Ah putting on the war paint you mean?"  
  
"Yeah!" Shane laughed, "Something like that! Have a seat! I'm sure he won't be long!"  
  
"Erm...knowing Jeff & his 'art' I'd say I was in for a fair wait! Can you just look and see if he's decent?"  
  
"Sure! JEEEEFF! DUDE!" He hammered on the door, "You butt naked in there?"  
  
"NO why?"  
  
Shane gestured to the door, "Go on! He's all yours!" he smiled.  
  
I thanked him & slowly pushed open the door. Jeff was standing with his back to me, looking into a long mirror & dabbing paint onto his shoulder. He stopped for a second when he saw my reflection.  
  
"Hi Jeff!" I said quietly.  
  
"Hi." he went back to his paint.  
  
I cleared my throat, "Ah I wanted to appologise for what I did earlier! I didn't mean it!"  
  
"Yeah? It was a pretty good shot for an accident!"  
  
"Are you pissed at me?" I put on my best 'puppy dog' look as I stepped closer to him.  
  
He sighed & looked down at his feet, "No, but you didn't have to boot me in the nuts Bec! Jesus!"  
  
"I'm sorry!"  
  
"Ok!"  
  
"You're fucking up the blue part!" He sighed & held the brush out to the side so I walked over & took it from him. "I really didn't mean to kick you in the balls y'know?" I dabbed the blue paint onto his shoulder, "It was just a reflex reaction!" I smirked.  
  
"Oh so it's funny now?"  
  
"I'm sorry!" I burst out laughing & he eventually gave in & smiled.  
  
"It's not funny!"  
  
"So what are you smiling at?" I giggled. "Ok I'm serious stop it or I'll be the one fucking up this paint! It'll look like someone's just thrown the whole damn pot at you!"  
  
"So what was it all about? You & Sasha I mean?"  
  
I turned him sideways as I continued to paint, "It was about her trying to get through to me and about me not wanting to hear the truth!"  
  
"The truth about Matt?"  
  
"Yeah!" I said quietly, "She said a lot of things that made sense!" I turned him to face me again, "I do need to try & sort my life out, I guess I just don't know how to do it right now! There! How's that?"  
  
Jeff didn't even turn to look in the mirror, he just stood there staring into space. "Jeff?"  
  
"Huh? Oh...." he turned around, "Yeah that's great! Thakyou!"  
  
"Something on your mind?" I started to clear away the brushes & little pots of paint.  
  
"Yeah actually.....you are!"  
  
I froze & swallowed hard. "Well I shouldn't be!"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Jeff we've been through this!"  
  
"Don't move to Miami!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You heard me! Don't go!"  
  
"I....I can't just NOT go!"  
  
"You can do whatever you want to do!"  
  
"And what if what I want to do is go to Miami with dwayne! Jeff where has this come from?"  
  
"I just......" he turned away from me, "I want you to come back to Cameron....be with Jude!" He hung his head, "be with me!"  
  
"I can't do that not right now!"  
  
"Then when? I mean will there ever be a time at all?"  
  
I turned him to face me, "I hope so Jeff, really I do! I mean it!"  
  
"Then why wait? I don't understand!"  
  
"Because I can't share my life with anyone until I have my head straight! I need to be me for a while just to put things in perspective ok?" He looked at his feet, "Jeff we talked about this already! I thought you understood!"  
  
"I don't understand but....if that's what you need to do then..." he shrugged his shoulders, "I'm just scared....that you won't come back at all!"  
  
I Smiled, "I will! I dunno when but it will happen!" I touched his cheek, "Just let me figure a few things out first ok?"  
  
"Yeah or you might just run off & fall in love with Dwanye!" he laughed!  
  
"Oh God no!" I laughed, "No no no! He would drive me crazy!" I smiled, "I just need to get sorted out!"  
  
"Maybe I can help?"  
  
"Help what?"  
  
"Help you get things figured out!" He leaned in & I felt his lips on mine. It was so unexpected that I caught my breath slightly. I closed my eyes & let it happen. I felt his tongue in my mouth as he held my face with both of his hands & I responded with my own as I ran my hands through his hair slowly. There was something there......something on the verge of what we'd once had & I was so glad to feel it! Ok it wasn't exactly the 'knock you on your ass' kiss that we'd had in the past but damn it was better than nothing! When we parted he kept his hands on my face.  
  
"Did that help?" He said almost breathlessly & I smiled.  
  
"A little!"  
  
He kissed me again, this time deeper than the first until I could barely breathe.  
  
"Guys I just need..........OOOOOPS! Sorry!" Shane closed the bathroom door quickly.  
  
"I guess I should go.....get cleaned up before the show!" I smiled.  
  
Jeff bit on his lip, "Yeah..........guess I better let Shane in before he pees in his tights!"  
  
We both laughed, "See you around then?" I said as I made for the door.  
  
"Yeah I hope so!" He smiled. Finally he let go of my hand & smiled one more time before I left him. 


	108. Chapter 108

Lost confused Unkind  
  
Chapter 108  
  
When I eventually found Dwayne he was sitting among the thousands of empty seats in the arena & looked as though he was miles away!  
  
"My God he CAN be quiet!" I smiled & sat down beside him. he didn't move his head but his eyes glanced my way when I spoke! "What's up?"  
  
"Nothin' much, just thinking!"  
  
"Careful that's becomming a bad habit of yours!"  
  
"You seem as if you're in a good mood!"  
  
"Yeah I am I guess! Is that a bad thing?"  
  
"Depends on the reason!"  
  
"Ok.!" I nodded slowly, obvioulsy something was eating him! "And what if there is no reason? Do I need one? Just less than an hour ago you were telling me I moped around all the time!"  
  
"There's always a reason!" He aid absentmindedly.  
  
"Dwayne is there something bugging you?" He stared out across the arena, "Have I pissed you off in some way?"  
  
"Nope!"  
  
"Then what's wrong? You seem a little....ah distant!"  
  
"There's nothing wrong exactly I just.....ah it's nothin!" I put my hand on his leg & he looked at it for a minute until he finally put his on top of it and gave it a squeeze. "Oh Bec!" he smiled.  
  
"You are acting really strange Dwayne I wish you'd just tell me what's on your mind!"  
  
"You are!"  
  
"Woah! Deja vu!" I laughed & he raised his eyebrows, "Oh nothin'! Ignore me! Why am I on your mind?"  
  
"Well....I'm a little concerned about you that's all!" he sighed & took my hand in both of his, "Do you really think you're doing the right thing moving to Miami with me? I mean is it really what you want?"  
  
"YES! Where's this come from?"  
  
"Y'know if you're having second thoughts then...well I won't be offended if you've changed your mind ok?"  
  
"I haven't changed my mind! What's brought all of this on? Are you having second thoughts about me comming with you?"  
  
"NO! Hell no no that's not it! It's just I saw....oh nothin', look if you're 100% certain you wanna..."  
  
"Saw what? Saw who?"  
  
He smiled & shook his head, "I saw Shane & he said you & Jeff were getting pretty close and.....I just thought maybe you'd rather be in Cameron!"  
  
"Shane has a big mouth!" I smiled, "But no! I wouldn't rather be in Cameron!" I put my arms around his neck & squeezed him tight, "I just wanna be with you!"  
  
"You sure?" He said over my shoulder.  
  
"Yes I'm certain!" I pushed him back slightly so I could see his face, "Nothing happened y'know?"  
  
"None of my business!" he smiled.  
  
"It was just a kiss! That's all!"  
  
"Really? Another one?" He raised his eyebrows & smiled.  
  
"Trust me when I say it was nothing!" My smiled faded & I looked down.  
  
"Oh?"  
  
I was going to say more & then remembered how everyone thought I was always moping around & feeling sorry for myself, bringing everyone down with my self pitty! I didn't want to be like that any more! I needed my friends to be more than just a shoulder to cry on! I wanted to live a little and have some fun! God knows it was way overdue!  
  
"Ignore me!" I looked up & smiled at Dwayne. "So, who's your match against tonight?"  
  
"Um....Jeff!"  
  
I blinked, "You're kidding me?"  
  
He smiled, "No I'm not kidding!"  
  
"Oh!" I tried to stop the smirk from spreading across my face, "Cool!"  
  
"Want me to leave you any pieces in particular?"  
  
"Whatever!" I started laughing, "You were gonna kick his ass for me anyway!"  
  
"Oh I'll enjoy it believe me!"  
  
"So I take it you're penned to win then seeing as how this is The Rock's big comeback?"  
  
"You'll just have to wait and see!"  
  
"Tell me!"  
  
"Where's the excitement? The drama, if you know all the results beofore hand huh?"  
  
"Spoil sport! I hope he kicks your ass!"  
  
"I bet you do!" he smiled & put his arm around me. I leaned my head on his shoulder & we watched Trish going through some of her match with Vicky in the ring.  
  
"I could've been a diva y'know?"  
  
"No, you & Sasha could've been the 'Miller Lite Cat Fight Girls'! How's your lip by the way?" He put his finger under my chin & lifted my face up.  
  
"Fine! I forgot about it actually! It's my fucking jaw that hurts like a bastard!" I rubbed my jaw.  
  
"She never touched your jaw! That's too much kissing does that to ya!"  
  
I nudged him in the ribs, "Like you'd know!"  
  
"Excuse me! I get planty of lip action I'll have you know!"  
  
"Yeah but the mirror doesn't quite count!" I laughed, "Seriously though D I've never seen you with a woman since.......well I've never seen you with a woman! Are you sure Sasha isn't right about you?"  
  
"Y'know a guy could get real offended by what comes out of your mouth!"  
  
"Well...it's true!"  
  
He sighed, "There's been a few in the past year or so!"  
  
"A few?"  
  
"Well ok 2 if you must know and one of them was your mother!" He pulled a face at me.  
  
"EEEW DWAYNE!" I slapped his chest, "Don't even joke about that shit!" I snuggled my head into his shoulder, "So what were they just like one night stands?"  
  
"You ask a lot of questions!"  
  
"It's healthy curiosity!"  
  
"Yeah right!" he laughed, "Yes they were just one night stands!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"BEC!"  
  
"WHAT?!! Come on you know more about me than I do!" I looked up at him, "Spill it!"  
  
He sighed, "Well it was because.....well....." He looked down, "I know it sounds stupid but I'm still in love with my wife....EX wife!"  
  
My jaw dropped, "Oh.....man I had no idea! I'm sorry!" I rubbed his leg. It suddenly hit me that we had even more in common that I realised!  
  
"I know she was a bitch & she screwed around but I guess when I married her I thought it was for life y'know?"  
  
"Yeah....I know!" I said quietly.  
  
"Oh look Bec I didn't mean to bring all that shit up...I never meant to..."  
  
I held up my hand, "Hey no! It's cool! Makes a change you telling me all of this stuff, it's usually the other way around!" I smiled, "I hope we can continue this conversation sometime!"  
  
"Yeah so do I!"  
  
My eyes scanned the arena not looking for anyone in particular but they found Jeff walking towards some of the guys. I couldn't take my eyes off him!  
  
"Ahem! Earth to .......aaaahhh right! I see what you're lookin at!" Dwayne smiled. "Nothin' huh?"  
  
I just smiled & kissed him on the cheek, "Good luck for tonight and BE CAREFUL!!"  
  
"Yes mom!" he laughed as I walked away.  
  
"Oh & Dwayne?" I wandered back up to him & put my arms around him again, "Love you man!"  
  
He smiled, "Love you too now go get him!"  
  
"DWAYNE!" I laughed, "I'm getting no one thankyou!"  
  
"Yeah yeah! Get out of here!" I smiled and walked down the steps towards Jeff. 


	109. Chapter 109

Lost Confused UNkind  
  
Chapter 109  
  
"JEFF!" he turned around when I called his name! "Got a minute?"  
  
"Sure! What's up?"  
  
"Feel like a party after the show?"  
  
"A.....yeah where?"  
  
"I dunno! The hotel I guess! My place is full of boxes and my sister took my fridge yesterday so...do you think some of the guys would be up for it?"  
  
"I'm sure I could persuade them! Oh as long as it'snot in my room! PLEASE?"  
  
"Don't worry! It'll be sweet!"  
  
"Bec!"  
  
"Trust me ok? You worry too much! You need to live a little!" I winked at him & he smiled & shook his head, "Oh & Jeff?"  
  
"yeah?"  
  
"Kick D's ass for me tonight!"  
  
"My pleasure!" He grinned as I walked away!  
  
I don't know where this sudden change of mood had come from but I felt happy for the first time in ages! I hummed to myself as I wandered along the corridor looking for the men's locker rooms!  
  
"Someone's in a good mood!" I looked up to see Chris grinning at me stupidly!  
  
"Hi! I was just looking for you guys! Where's Betty?"  
  
"Off discussing floral centerpieces in the cafe with Sasha!" He rolled his eyes. "What's up?"  
  
"Party!" I grinned.  
  
"Ah the magic P word! Where & when & do I need to bring a bottle?"  
  
"Hotel after the show & bring several bottles! I for one intend on getting wasted!"  
  
"Oh Christ!" he shook his head, "Betty & alchohol don't mix too good!"  
  
"Hey if I remember rightly it was alcohol that got you together in the first place!" I prodded his arm.  
  
"Ok which room? NOT mine by the way! I can't handle having no escape route!"  
  
"Relax! It's won't be in your room! I guess you'll be abale to find us easilly enough!" I winked, "See ya!"  
  
2 minutes further along the corridor I knocked on the door to one of the men's locker rooms.  
  
"Come in!"  
  
"Hey sugar! I mean Hurra-ham burgler....whatever you wanna call your ass these days I can't keep up!"  
  
"Hmmm I call my ass mighty fine thankyou citizen Bec!" he stuck his ass out at me, "And call me ham burgler once more & I will be forced to use my x-ray vision next time you walk into my locker room!"  
  
I giggled, "Oh excuse me Mr Hurricane sir! I was just wondering if your little green self would like to partake in a piss up after the show?"  
  
"A what?"  
  
"A piss up! Y'know like getting pissed? Oh wait I've been back in England way too long! I mean a party!"  
  
"A party? Way cool! When & where?"  
  
"Hotel after the show!"  
  
"Not in my room!" He ponted a finger at me & I smiled, "I mean it Bec!"  
  
"Chill out! It's all under control & no it's not in your room!" I kissed his cheek, "see ya later! Oh & bring beer!"  
  
I closed the door, tucked my hair behind my ears and smothed my shirt before knocking on the next door.  
  
"BEC! HEY!" Jay opened the door & gave me a hug.  
  
"What the fuck happened to your hair!" I spun him around & he hald his arms out to the sides, a smug grin on his face!  
  
"You like?" (Picture the 'Christian Swagger' if you will!)  
  
"Yeah! It makes you look um....different!" I smiled, "It suits you but it's gonna take me a while to get used to it!"  
  
"It's gonna take me longer!" He smiled & ruffled his short hair! "Come in!" He stepped aside & I walked into the room, "How have you been? It's been forever since I saw you!"  
  
we sat down on one of the benches, "I'm fine thanks! Good to see you!" I patted his leg, "Listen a couple of the guys were thinking about maybe having a beer after the show do youwanna come? Although by the time the show finishes & we find a bar that's still open.....and then there's the fans chasing you guys all over town..." I sighed, "Ah well it maybe won't be all that much fun but nevermind! The thought was there!"  
  
Jay bit on his lip, "We could always go into the hotel lounge or something?"  
  
"Hmm yeah I guess....or maybe even........ someone's room?"  
  
"Oh no! No! No! No! Bec no way!"  
  
"Aw Jay come on!"  
  
He stood up & shook his head, "NO! Last time we partied in my room Chris pissed in my luggage! I'm sorry but no!"  
  
"Jaaaay!" I whined.  
  
"No Bec! Don't ask me ok?" I did my best 'puppy dog' eyes at him & he sighed & turned his back on me, "Don't look at me like that!"  
  
"It's not even a party as such it's just like a small gathering of friends having a couple of beers!"  
  
"No! No! No!"  
  
"What happened to the Jay I used to know? The Jay that danced on tables, did hand stands & puked in his shoes huh?"  
  
"He got a wife & a sensible haircut look Bec...." he sighed & I battered my eyelashes at him! "Just a couple of the guys right?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"And like 2 or 3 beers! We're not talking truckloads here right?"  
  
"2 or 3 that's it!"  
  
He looked down at the floor, "I dunno I mean we have to catch a plane tomorrow and...."  
  
I threw my arms around his neck, "Thankyou! You are a star! I love you!" I kissed his cheek! "You won't regret it I swear!"  
  
He pulled a face & sighed, "I'm regretting it already!"  
  
I opened the door to leave & then stopped dead in my tracks! "WOAH! wait a minute!!! A WIFE!??" 


	110. Chapter 110

Lost Confused Unkind  
  
Chapter 110  
  
20 minutes later & Jay had told me all about his lovely wife & how they met and then we heard the pyros going off signalling the start of the show.  
  
"Damn! I didn't realise the time!" I stood up, "I'll have to go find Betty & Sasha I don't even know where I'm sitting!"  
  
"Front row, block C seats 7, 8 & 9!" Jay grinned.  
  
"And how the hell do you know so much about where I'm sitting?"  
  
"Because........well can you keep a secret?"  
  
"What's goin on?" We left the room & Made our way to the curtain.  
  
"Well.....Copeland will be in seat 10!"  
  
"Adam?"  
  
"Deerrr yeah Adam! It's a surprise for Sasha!"  
  
"God there are way too many surprises in this business if you ask me!" I muttered. "And who's handy work was this?"  
  
"Mine!" he grinned.  
  
"You told Betty she was seeing Spanky!" I laughed.  
  
"Yeah and she believed me aswell the sucker!" he winked, "Now shh! There they are! Make sure Sasha's in seat 9....he's in disguise!"  
  
"Oh Lord spare us!" I rolled my eyes.  
  
"There she is! Where have you been? We're gonna miss the damn show!" Betty whined.  
  
"Ok I'm here now come on!" Jay winked as I pushed Sasha infront of us. "Seat 9!" I yelled above the booming music of 3 Minute Warning! I glanced up at the figure in seat 10 & I had to stop myself from bursting out laughing! Adam was sitting there, his hair tucked up in a baseball cap, jacket hiding half of his face & a pair of dark glasses on! He looked like the type of guy your mother warned you not to sit next to on a train! Sasha didn't even look twice at him as she sat down in her seat & leaned forward with her back to him so she could talk to us!  
  
"Who're Rosie & Jamal fighting?" She yelled.  
  
"Dudleys!" Betty shouted back, "Chris is 3rd match!"  
  
"Against who?" I yelled.  
  
"TEST!" She shouted louder as the Dudley's pyros boomed through the arena! We all sat back to watch the match but I couldn't concentrate for watching Adam! I couldn't believe he was taking so long to 'reveal' himself!  
  
After the Dudley's traditionally threw their huge opponents through tables & the stage guys cleared away the debris we were treated to a 'GM' speach from Steve Austin which had us almost rolling the floor! Still Sasha hadn't noticed the strange guy sitting in the seat beside her! Next match was Lance Storm against Spike but I didn't see much of it! I noticed Sasha was starting to throw odd glances at her 'mystery' man & I knew he was going to have to own up pretty soon! When Sasha leaned forward to speak to us Adam quickly took off his shades & cap and I couldn't help but laugh at the way he innocently sat back in his seat & started watching the match as if he'd been there like that all night! As you can imagine Sasha squealed when she turned around & saw him sitting there! The look on her face was priceless! After much hugging between the two of them he leaned forward & hugged Betty then raised a hand and said hi to me! Sasha was smiling from ear to ear!  
  
"Did you know about this?" She yelled! I just smiled & she pulled a face at me! A couple of fans managed to spot Adam & get past security but he appologised and refused to sign their little ticket stubs because he didnt want to take attention from the match in progress!  
  
Stacy Kiebler walked out with Andrew! Damn how I wished I had a figure like hers! She made a few coments on the mic about wonderful Brtish Testicles and then the famous Y2J countdown started! Betty wiggled in her seat!  
  
"OOOHHHH here he is!" She said excitedly.  
  
"Betty you see him every damn night girl!" I laughed & she stuck her tongue out at me!  
  
"Oh God who gave hima mic?!" She put her head in her hands and cringed!  
  
"WELCOME TO......ENGLND IS JERICHO!!" he yelled & the crowd cheered! "I know all you British assclowns have been waiting to see ME....CHRIS JERICHO......THE HI LITE OF YOUR NIGHT!" He held his arm in the air dramatically, "And I mean quite frankly I cant blame you! You need something to cheer you up in this depressing arm pit of a country!" he laughed as the crowd booed & jeered him! A chant of "ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE!" rang out across the arena & Betty sank down into her seat shaking her head! Chris lapped it up, nodding his head & smiling smugly!  
  
"And TEST! I heard your snide comments on Raw last week about Christian & myself but two can play the game of jumping to conclusions JUNIOR!" He pointed at Andrew who was pacing in the ring! "See the airport called........yeah they found your bag and being the generous guy that I am.......I volenteered to go back there & pick it up for you!" he grinned. "Let me ask you...is this your bag?" He held up an overnight bag & Test nodded, "Then if this is your bag this also must be yours!" Chris held up a magazine which the camera displayed on the Titan Tron! The crowd were in fits of laughter as they saw the 'mock up' of a magazine cover with the title "SHEEP IN SUSPENDERS!" Chris laughed, Test was furious, stomping his feet & denying everything, while stacy just stood there lookng bewildered! (I later found out she knew nothing about their little planned skit & therefore was genuinly bewildered poor cow!) Test ran up the ramp & him & Chris exchanged blows all the way tho the ring & the match began! Betty looked up & shook her head but I was laughing my ass off!  
  
"I could kill him sometimes!"  
  
"He's brilliant on the mic!" I laughed & she smiled! I'm sure she didn't even see half of the match because every time Chris took a bump she winced & closed her eyes! When he eventually won she heaved a sigh of relief before we all stood up & cheered! As soon as he was backstage she excused herself & hurried off to see if he was ok! I remembered doing the same thing myself after Matt's matches!  
  
An hour & a half later I found that I was losing my voice! I'd had such a brilliant night & I was pretty sure it was down to the ass kicking I'd gotten from Sasha earlier! It seemed like I'd been able to halfway pull myself together, forget my troubles & lose myself in the drama of the show & it felt great! Betty still hadn't come back & Adam & Sasha were lost in each other so I was basically on my own but I didn't mind!  
  
"Great show so far!" Said a voice from behind me & I froze! I could feel the hot breath on my neck & I squeezed my eyes tightly shut! "What's the matter Bec? Surprised to see me?"  
  
"What are you doing here Steve?" I said through clenched teeth.  
  
"Oh y'know I was in the area....thought I'd drop in on an old friend!"  
  
I glanced at Sasha & Adam curled up together, hoping & praying that one of them would turn my way! "How IS Jeff these days?"  
  
"Leave me alone Steve!" I still couldn't bring myself to turn around & see his face. I heard him laughing & it gave me goosebumps. Jeff's music hit & Steve put his hand on my shoulder.  
  
"Aww there he is! Good old Jeff! Well he looks just fine right now! Let's hope he stays that way by the end of the night huh Bec?" He laughed.  
  
I watched Jeff bound down to the ring & bit on my lip, "Steve I swear..." I turned around but he was gone! "Oh shit!" I muttered. I looked around frantically but he was nowhere to be seen. 


	111. Chapter 111

Lost Confused Unkind  
  
Chapter 111  
  
I stared at Jeff as he stood on the ring post bobbing his head to the music, arms spread wide. 'Please God no!' I thought to myself. Then Dwayne's music started, the now familiar helicopter video playing on the Titan Tron & my heart pounded in my throat as I waited for him to appear at the top of the ramp. Someone touched my arm & I almost jumped out of my seat! It was only Betty taking her seat beside me to watch the last match. I forced a smile at her & she squeezed my arm & grinned.  
  
"You ok?"  
  
"Yes fine!" I smiled the best I could but I really didn't want to take my eyes off the ring for a second! Steve was up to something, God knows what he was going to do or why he was going to do it but I felt sick to my stomach! I watched Dwayne strut down to the ring amidst screaming girls & booing guys & without even realising it I crossed my fingers & almost prayed for them to just get through the match!  
  
"So who do ya wana win this one then?" Betty grinned!  
  
"Huh? Oh erm...I don't mind!"  
  
The match started, all the while I nervously scanned around the ring looking for some sign that Steve was about to do something stupid! I couldn't relax & I couldn't concentrate until I knew where he was! What the hell was he doing in England anyway? Surely he hadn't travelled all this way just to torment me? The last time we'd spoken he'd tried to appologise so why would he be out to get me now? It didn't make any sense! My mind whirred, all I could see was faces everywhere but none of them his! Where the fuck was he?  
  
I glanced back at the match that everyone else was enjoying, they were both laid out in the ring. Jeff pulled himself up by the ropes & staggered over to Dwayne, pulling him up to his feet. Dwayne shoved Jeff into the ropes and as he bounced back towards him Dwayne ran with him to the opposite side of the ring, making to have the momento roll Jeff right over the top. without warning as both their weight hit the ropes the top one came away, just snapped somehow! It all happened so fast! Both of them tumbled to the outside of the ring as the crowd gasped! Jeff hit the floor chest first, he seemed to bounce off the thin mat he hit it that hard! Dwayne, well I couldn't see him properly! His feet seemed to be tangled up in the ropes with the rest of his body hanging outsideof the ring! Everyone stood up for a better view, a sense of panick welled up inside of me as I almost screamed out loud! I leaned past Betty & Sasha & grabbed Adam's arm.  
  
"Was that suposed to happen?" I shouted. The look on Adam's face was the only answer I needed! Jeff started to roll around, clutching at his ribs, his face contorted in agony. I glanced up at the Titan Tron, Dwayne wasn't moving at all. His body lay limp, his head on the mat, feet still entwined in the ropes. "Get up Dwayne!" I whispered to myself. Paramedics & other officials ran down to them & I wanted to run too! I needed to be down there with them! I Was forcing my legs not to move! This was being broadcast live to God knows how many countries, hell my own brother, my sister & her kids were in this audience somewhere, sitting waiting to meet up with their heros after the show! I couldn't go to them, I just had to watch helplessly from my seat like the other 20 thousand people that were holding their breath in this arena!  
  
They finally freed Dwayne's feet from the ropes, got both of them onto stretchers & raced out at an alarming rate back up the ramp & through the Titan Tron. That was all I needed to see! I shoved Betty & Sasha out of the way as I clumsily tried to run but Adam stopped me.  
  
"Move Adam!" I yelled at him & Sasha grabbed my arm.  
  
"Wait! Bec listen! Let Adam come with you! We'll meet you in a few minutes ok? Now go! Go on!"  
  
"Whatever! Just get out of my way!" I shoved past him but he grabbed my arm.  
  
"Slow down! Don't panick! Not out here ok?" He was right! It wouldn't look good , damn this business! I slowed down, Adam still holding onto my arm as we went as fast as we dared to the backstage area. Once behind the curtain I ran, my legs just went on their own & I couldn't stop! Adam was close behind me with his hand on my back as we ran towards the crowd of people that surrounded the 2 gurneys.  
  
"WOAH!" I felt like I'd hit a brick wall! "Stop there!"  
  
"Steve what's goin on?" Adam said as he bumped into me & I almost went into Austin again!  
  
"We don't know but you two runnin up there isn't gonna help anyone ok"  
  
"Please! I have to see them are they ok?"  
  
"Theparamedics are working on them now I don't know anything!" I tried to shove past him but he held his arms out to the side to stop me as he mouthed something to Adam.  
  
"LET GO OF ME!" I yelled and struggled to get by him.  
  
"Bec!" Adam touched my shoulder.  
  
"I just want to see them!" Tears welled up in my eyes & I started to lash out at the arm that was stopping me from getting to the two guys I cared most about in the whole world!  
  
"What's goin on? Hey!" Shawn grabbed me & Steve let me go as I fell into his arms. "Calm down! Come on!"  
  
"I just wanna see them Shawn are they ok? What?"  
  
"They are taking them to the hospital. Jeff could have broken ribs, he'll be ok! Come on!" he stroked my hair & tried to calm me down as tears flowed down my cheeks.  
  
"JAY!" I heard Adam yell & Jay ran over to us. "What's goin on man?"  
  
"I dunno dude! I can't find anything out!"  
  
"Do you have a rental?" Jay shook his head.  
  
"I have a car! Come on!" Shawn grabbed my hand & Jay & Adam ran behind us.  
  
"Steve tell the girls to wait at the hotel with Chris!" Adam yelled at Austin as we ran out into the parking lot!  
  
Shawn Michaels missed his calling in life, he should have been an Indy Car driver! No sooner, it seemed, that we had got into the car than we were getting out again at the hospital! The two ambulances had left before us & I still hadn't even had a glimpse of Jeff or Dwayne!  
  
Shawn & Jay went to the reception desk as I stood with Adam totally bewildered.  
  
"Adam what the hell happened? I've never seen that happen before!"  
  
"That's because it doesn't!"  
  
"Jesus!:" I Looked down at my hands, I was shaking uncontrolably & as I held them out to view them Adam took them in his and squeezed them tightly. "Adam what do you know?" He looked down at our hands locked together. "Adam please!"  
  
"Ok...." he licked his lips, "Dwayne's not good!"  
  
"Oh God!"  
  
"He went over the top & smacked his head on the floor hard Bec....I mean VERY hard ok? I saw it!"  
  
"Adam no!" Tears streamed down my face.  
  
"All Austin said to me back there was it's not looking good ok? I swear that's all I know!"  
  
"This isn't happening!" Adam took me in his arms & held me as I cried. I burried my head into his chest & he tightened his grip around my back as he leaned his head on top of mine.  
  
"Is he gonna die Adam?"  
  
He sighed, "I can't tell you sweetheart! I don't know!" 


	112. Chapter 112

Lost Confused Unkind  
  
Chapter 112  
  
Doctors ran around, doors swung open & closed as paramedics wheeled in numerous patients. It was a busy night but they all seemed to go past me in a blur as I sat there in the waiting room with Adam, Shawn & Jay. Adam had called Sasha & it seemd everyone was back at the hotel just waiting around for news. It was a nightmare! My sister, brother and my nephew & niece had waited around for ages nt really sure of what to do or where to go until Sasha eventually found them & explained what was going on. Poor kids! It was meant to be the night of their lives, getting to meet their idols and instead they got nothing! It was meant to be the first night in a long time that I got to have fun, let my hair down & just be 'me'! But I let my guard down, tried to be happy, I should've known it would all be another major fuck up! Same old same old! Maybe some people just weren't meant to be happy? Maybe I was destined to live a life of misery?  
  
The doors flew open again, medical staff rushing to the aid of yet another gurney. As it dissapeared down the corridor Shawn stood up & started talking to some guys. It caught my attention & I looked up. They were all wearing black polo shirts, each shirt bearing the 'WWE' scratch logo on the breast. What was going on now? I didn't even care! I slumped in my chair & rubbed my temples as Shawn slowly walked back towards us, hands in the pockets of his jeans & a concerned look on his face.  
  
"Well what a night this is turning out to be!" He sat down beside me, "Seems one of the crew just drove a truck into a wall!"  
  
"Really?" Adam sat forward.  
  
"Yeah the guys there said he just went nuts! Did it on purpose from what they could see!"  
  
"Anyone we know?" Jay yawned & I wondered how they could even give a damn about some psycho crew member when Dwayne hadn't even opened his eyes yet!  
  
"No don't think so! New guy apparently!" Shawn stretched his legs out infront of him & crossed them at the ankles, "Steve something or other! Never heard of him myself!"  
  
My stomach lurched. "Not Steve Lazenby?" Jay sat bolt upright in his chair.  
  
"No!" Shawn waved his hand dismissively.  
  
"Can you guys excuse me a moment? I need to find the ah ladies room!" I stood up and made for the direction of the rest rooms, checked to make sure they weren't looking and doubled back up the corridor towards the treatment rooms.  
  
it had to be him I just knew it! How else could he have gotten close enough to tamper with the ropes between matches? Before Jeff & Dwayne's match there had been a hardcore match, lots of debris to clear from the ring, perfect! But why did he drive a truck into a wall?  
  
I crept along the corridor as doctors & nurses passed me in too much of a rush to even notice I was there! I looked in the window of one room, JEFF! I stopped & put my hand on the handle, then thought better of it! I needed to know if it was Steve in one of these rooms or not! Jeff was ok, there would be time enough to check on him once I knew the truth! I looked into room after room until I finally found what I was looking for.....a crumpled black WWE polo shirt thrown onto the floor in tatters! My heart raced as I stepped inside. I couldn't see the bed for the mass of doctors & nurses around it frantically working on their patient. I stepped forward & one of the male nurses saw me!  
  
"Miss! I'm sorry you can't be in here!" He took hold of my arms as I stood on tiptoes trying to see past him and get a view of the person in the bed! "Miss! Please! you have to leave!" He had me backed up to the door!  
  
"I'm......I'm.....his ah....sister!" It was the first thing that came into my head!  
  
"Well that's all well & good but you still can't be here! Wait in chairs and we'll come & get you as soon as there's any news!"  
  
"Please! I just want to see him! The...the guys, they aren't sure if it's him or not, he's new to the job see & they don't know me! Please! I just need to know!" I begged him & he turned towards the doctor who quickly nodded.  
  
"Ok! Just look & tell me if it's your brother!"  
  
He stepped aside & I swallowed hard before walking closer to the bed. A couple of the nurses stepped back, there was blood everywhere, I'd never seen so much blood! And then I saw him, lying there, his body covered in gashes & bruises & I felt no pitty at all. It was Steve! I Stared at him battered & bloody. I wanted to laugh, cheer, wish him dead but instead I just shook my head, turned and left. Once outside the room I had to run to the nearest bathroom to empty my guts into the toilet. I just wished I could wake up in my bed, snuggled up to Dwayne, looking forward to going to Miami, happy! As I wiped my face & looked into the shabby mirror I saw a person staring back at me that I no longer recognised or cared about! No one that I loved would ever be safe from this jinx I seemed to have hanging over my head! Everything I touched turned to shit, it was lucky for Jude he was miles away, safe with his grandpa, away from me!  
  
"Lucky escape kid!" I whispered & threw some water on my face.  
  
"Bec! You in there?"  
  
I sighed, "Yeah I'm just comming!" I opened the door, "What is it what's happened?"  
  
Adam smiled, "Dwayne woke up!" 


	113. Chapter 113

Lost Confused Unkind  
  
Chapter 113  
  
"Is he ok?" I asked as I pushed past Adam & out into the hall.  
  
"I don't know! Woah! Slow down a minute!" He grabbed my arm & spun me around, "Just....wait a minute ok? We can't go in & see him yet, they are still running some tests & they'll let us know when we can go in!"  
  
I sighed, "Ok! Ok! Dammit!" I bit on my nail.  
  
"Why don't you go & see Jeff while we're waiting?"  
  
I looked down at the floor, "ok! Are you comming?"  
  
"Erm....no! I'll just go & give Sasha another ring give her an update!"  
  
"Fine!" I went to walk away but he still held tight to my arm.  
  
"Bec?" I looked up at him & he smiled, "It'll be ok y'know, Dwayne I mean! he's a tough cookie! he'll pull through you'll see!"  
  
I bit on my lip, "And what if he doesn't Adam? I don't think I can.." Before my tears even fell I found myself in Adam's arms.  
  
"He will get through this Bec!" he said over my shouler, "Come on! Don't cry!"  
  
"Don't tell me not to cry!" I said through gritted teeth & pulled back from him, "Just don't say that! OK?"  
  
Adam nodded, slightly confused as to why I was throwing such a fit over it! "Ok! Sorry!"  
  
I swallowed hard, "I'm gonna see Jeff!" I rushed along the corridor before Adam could say any more. I stood in the doorway of Jeff's room for a moment, watching him as he lay dozing on the bed. his entire chest was bandaged up. God what had I done? Why couldn't he have just stayed away? Without thinking I turned back into the corridor, I needed some answers.  
  
I found Steve's room & slowly pushed open the door. The person lying on the bed didn't even look like Steve but still I felt nothing for him. He was an evil bastard as far as I was concerned & what had happened to him tonight had been a long time comming! He opened one eye as I approached the bed that was surrounded by tubes and monitors.  
  
"Bec?" He croaked.  
  
"Why did you do it Steve?" I said quietly. He closed his eye & turned his head away from me slightly. "You rigged the ropes?" He nodded slowly & I took a deep breath, "Why did you drive the truck into a wall?"  
  
"I can't stand it anymore!" His voice was rasping & I had to move closer to hear him, "He won't go away! I just want to die!"  
  
"Who are you talking about? Jeff?" I was confused.  
  
"You know what it's like!" He coughed & I took a step back to avoid whatever was showering out of his mouth, "You know! He won't leave me alone!"  
  
"I don't know! Who are you talking about Steve?"  
  
"I just want him to go aw..." Monitors started beeping.  
  
"Steve! Tell me! Tell me who won't go away!" I said panicking. within seconds the door flew open & an army of doctors and nuses raced in to attend to him.  
  
"Miss you really can not be in here!" The same male nurse ushered me to the door. I didn't put up any resistance as he pushed me into the corridor & I stood and watched as the door swung shut again. I felt as though I was glued to the spot where I stood as the realisation hit me that maybe I wasn't crazy after all! Even though Steve hadn't said his name I knew deep down that he was talking about Mick! If my instincts were right then I hadn't killed Matt! If they were right then I wasn't crazy! But if I WAS right then that son of a bitch could be anywhere doing anything & I didn't like the mixed feelings that flowed through my body! Elation tinged with fear, fear that I wasn't safe anywhere with anyone! I didn't know which was best to believe! I was sane & Mick was around every corner or I was totally crazy, had killed my boyfriend and had frequent delusional outbursts! Someone touched my shoulder & I screamed!  
  
"Shit!" Adam jumped back.  
  
"Don't do that to me!" I said as I clutched at my chest.  
  
"Sorry! Sorry! Jesus!" He took a deep breath, "How's Jeff doing?"  
  
"Jeff? SHIT!" I started back along the corridor leaveing a slightly bewildered looking Adam standing in the corridor!  
  
When I got to Jeff's room he was attempting to get out of bed & I ran to his side.  
  
"What are you doing?" I took hold of his arm.  
  
"I need to pee!" he said through gritted teeth as he struggled to get his legs off the bed. "AH FUCK!"  
  
"Stay there I'm gonna get a nurse!"  
  
"Don't fuss! I'll be fine on my own!" He winced again & then looked up at me sheepishly, "Can you help me please?"  
  
I rolled my eyes & let him put his weight onto me as he forced his legs to stand up!  
  
"Where's Sasha when you need her?" I muttered as I helped Jeff out of the door. "I am so not comming into the men's room with you!"  
  
"Aw shit! there's that plan out of the window then! Ahhhhh!" He clutched at his side.  
  
"Jeff you should've let me get a doctor!"  
  
"I'll be fine! Just get me to the door!" His face contorted in agony I led him along the sterile white corridor until we finally found the men's room. God how I fucking hated hospitals! Somehow I felt as though I'd speant half my life in them! Jeff was heavy & I thought I was probably going to end up in a heap on the floor before much longer! Just before my legs buckled from under me Shawn opened the men's room door & grabbed jeff!"  
  
"Woah! HEY!" He looked down at me trying to straighten out my back! "You ok?" I nodded, "Why didn't you come and get me?" He said as he threw his arm around Jeff.  
  
"He needed to pee!"  
  
"Come on kid I gotcha!" Shawn kicked open the door & half carried Jeff inside as I stood rubbing my back & wondering what the fuck I was going to do next? 


	114. Chapter 114

Lost Confused Unkind  
  
Chapter 114  
  
I helped Shawn get Jeff back into his room & back into bed, then we both sat at his bedside. Shawn on one side & me on the other.  
  
"You want me to get a doctor?" Shawn asked Jeff when he winced again.  
  
"No I'm ok! They can't give me any more painkillers for a couple of hours any....." he gritted his teeth & I took hold of his hand & squeezed it tightly. "There's no point in getting a doctor!" I forced a smile at him as I brushed some hair from his face. I hated seeing him like this & knowing it was because of me! It was tearing me up inside!  
  
"I've never fucking seen that happen before!" Shawn shook his head as he stared at the wall, "In all the years I've been a wrestler, I've never seen it happen!" Jeff nodded slowly & I bit on my lip & tried to hide my guilt. "Well Vince will be throwing a Goddamn blue fit I can guarentee it!" Shawn stretched his legs out infront of him & folded his arms across his chest.  
  
"How's D?" Jeff asked.  
  
I shrugged my shoulders, "He's awake, that's a good sign! I'm sure he'll be fine!"  
  
"Jesus!" Jeff lay his head back & looked up at the celing. "He didn't look good! Man if his feet hadn't got caught up..."  
  
"He'll be fine Jeff! This is Dwayne we're talking about here!" I forced a smile, "He'll come good!" I squeezed his hand again, "I'm gonna go & see what I can find out! Won't be long!"  
  
I wanderd along the corridor in a dream-like state! This just wasn't happening, it couldn't be! I ducked into the ladies room to wash my face & try & shake some life back into my body! I ran the cold tap, took an elastic from my pocket & tied up my hair. Looking in the mirror was like looking at my mother! I felt like I'd aged 30 years in the last couple of hours but I knew I had to hold it together somehow! I had to be strong for Dwayne & Jeff, not least for myself! Any sign that the cracks were starting to appear & I'd end up back in the damn mental ward & then 'he' had me, no escape!  
  
Absentmindedly I put my hands under the running water, it was a few seconds before I screamed!  
  
"What the fuck?" I yelled & jumped back away from the sink! The water was boiling....yet it was the cold tap! Steam rose from the basin as I stared in disbelief! I looked back up to the mirror, now fogged from the rising steam, then quickly turned off the tap. My hands were red & tingling. "Jesus!" I muttered as I turned them over & over again inspecting the damage (there appeared to be none!) When I glanced back up at the mirror I gasped then stopped breathing altogether! Written in the steam were two words that would mean nothing to anyone else, but to me they instilled a sense of fear in me that I'd never experianced before! Two words.....  
  
"KNOCK KNOCK!"  
  
I stared as droplets ran down the mirror distorting the letters, making them run together until they weren't words anymore but veins, dripping off the mirror & running down the clinical white tiles on the wall.  
  
The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end & I begged my legs to run but they wouldn't move! As I watched the words slowly disappear I finally let out a breath but my whole body began to tremble & still my feet were rooted to the spot! "Go away!" I whispered. Behind me I heard the door to one of the stalls open but before I could even turn around it crashed back against the wall & I was showered in shards of wall tiles & I bolted! I ran so fast that I smacked into the door before I could even get it open!  
  
Once in the corridor again I squatted down with my back against the wall opposite the ladies room door and my head in my hands, gasping for air! 'Come on Bec! Get it together or you're on a one way trip to larlar land!' I thought to myself as I stood up. I kept my back to the wall for another minute while I caught my breath, not entirely sure how my legs were fixed for carrying me should I not have the support of the wall! When I finally felt steady enough I made my way to try & find Dwayne, if I could keep my mind on him then I could keep it off whatever had just occoured in the bathroom! That was my theory at the time & was sticking to it! I had only one other option & that was to go screaming to Jeff...AGAIN! But I couldn't put him through any more crap, I had to deal with this, with Mick, on my own! This was my life & my fight, I was tired of other people getting hurt, it was my turn if that's what it came to!  
  
I found the room & peered inside until I got the nod from the doctor to go in!  
  
"5 minutes!" he said sternly & I nodded as I approached the bed.  
  
"Great! The table dancer I ordered is here!" he said weakly.  
  
"God my worst fear has come true!" I kissed his cheek, "It's knocked all the Dwayne out of you & left me with the Rock!" I forced a smile & sat down on a chair beside the bed in the dimly lit room.  
  
"Don't you believe it!" He reached for my hand so I took his in both of mine & held it to my cheek.  
  
"How are you feeling?"  
  
"Like someone gave me vodka again!" he sighed & squinted at me.  
  
"God D I was so worried!" I kissed his hand & squeezed it tightly to my face.  
  
"You'd better not be crying!"  
  
"I'm not!" I lied & wiped my face on my sleeve.  
  
"How's Jeff?"  
  
"He's fine! Broken ribs & he's whining like a bitch but he'll be ok!" I looked up at his face, "It's you I'm more concerned about right now!"  
  
"Well you needn't be! I'm fine! Back in the ring this time next week!"  
  
"You fucking won't be though!"  
  
"You watch me!"  
  
"I'm not gonna watch you kill yourself, you do that you can do it without an audience! Tonight was bad enough there's like 50 reporters outside!"  
  
"There is?" he smiled & then put his free hand up to his forehead.  
  
"You ok? Want me to get the d..."  
  
"I'm fine! Sit down would you!"  
  
I did as I was told but eyed him cauciously, "So have they said when you can come home?"  
  
"Couple of days all going to plan! If I have my way I'll be out of here in a couple of hours!"  
  
"Well you're not getting your way!"  
  
"Not in this state!"  
  
I laughed & shook my head, even half unconcious he could still crack the jokes! He was pretty damn amazing in my eyes!  
  
"Everyone's been so worried about you!" I squeezed his hand & he smiled, "Jay & Adam are here still!"  
  
"Adam's here?"  
  
"Long story! Oh & Shawn too, he drove us here & he's been great!"  
  
"Nice guy Shawn!"  
  
"Yeah he is!" I smiled.  
  
"Well when you go out there you can tell them they can go back to the hotel & party!"  
  
"There won't be any partying going on tonight!"  
  
"Don't let me stop you! I'm fine! Now go on before that doc comes back in & kicks your ass out of here!"  
  
"I don't wanna go..." tears welled up in my eyes again, "I'm staying here with you!"  
  
"You are not! Besides I'm just gonna be out of it most of the night! Go & have a drink! Call Shane O & ask him to rearrange the fights n stuff & get everything organised! As soon as I step out of this place I wanna be on a plane to Miami!" he smiled, "With you!" he touched my cheek & I took his hand in mine & kissed it again. "Ok?" I just looked blankly at him, "Ok?" He said slower.  
  
"Yeah if that's what you need me to do!"  
  
"It is! Now go on get back to the hotel & tell them all I'll be back at work before they get the chance to pull the big sticks outa their monkey asses!"  
  
"K!" I stood up & looked down at him. It didn't look right, this huge guy, The Rock, the fucking Scorpion King! lying helpless in a hospital bed. I just wanted to hold him, be in his arms & safe from all the monsters again! I wiped my face & sniffed.  
  
"Don't you start!" He pointed a finger at me!  
  
"I'm not! I had something in my eye!"  
  
He smiled & squeezed my hand that he still hadn't let go of!  
  
"Now get out of here before that doctor's foot is up your ass!"  
  
I leaned over & kissed his cheek, "Take care! I love you!" I whispered in his ear. As I was about to stand up he put his hand on the back of my head & held my cheek to his! I couldn't hold him properly, not with the neck brace on & I was scared I'd hurt him! I closed my eyes & stayed like that until the doctor came in & made me leave! 


	115. Chapter 115

OK Guys! Dont get too excited I just realised I had some more files on my comp than were uploaded here so...??? WEll anyway I might read this back and try to finish it sometime! Hope u enjoy these chapters anyway! Sorry there's not more!  
  
Lost Confused Unkind  
  
Chapter 115  
  
When I got back to Jeff's room Adam & Jay had joined Shawn in the chairs, Jay in the chair by the bed that I had vacated & Adam sat awkwardly in the background.  
  
"Any news?" Shawn stood up.  
  
"Is he ok?" Jay followed his lead & got to his feet.  
  
"Yeah, yeah he's gonna be ok!" there was a collective sigh of relief! "he's cracking jokes & seems to be in pretty good spirits asaide from the pain! Should be out in a couple of days!"  
  
"Thank God!" Jeff leaned his head back on the pillow & puffed out his cheeks.  
  
"He also insisted I tell you all to go & have a drink!"  
  
"Sounds like a plan!" Shawn smiled & shook Jeff's hand, "Take care buddy!"  
  
"Thanks man!"  
  
"Ok Jeff see you dude!" Jay patted his arm, "No swanton's off the wardrobe til we get back!" he smirked.  
  
"Count on it Jay!"  
  
"We'll wait in the lobby!" Shawn patted me shoulder & smiled.  
  
"Ok I'll be right there!"  
  
Adam stood up & Jeff looked from one of us to the other. "I'll ah see you then!" he looked at his feet as he left the room.  
  
"Jeff?" I sat on the edge of the bed & raised my eyebrows.  
  
"Well he's a jerk!"  
  
"He's not a jerk! You're just being pissy!"  
  
"Yeah I am!" Jeff smiled & I shook my head, "So Dwayne's really ok then?"  
  
"Yeah!" I smiled, "He's the same idiot he always was & thank god for that!"  
  
"You like him a lot don't you?"  
  
"Yes, I love the guy!" Jeff looked past me at the wall, "Like a brother Jeff that's ALL!"  
  
"Did I say a word?"  
  
"You didn't have to!" I laughed, "I guess I better get going then!"  
  
"Yeah I guess so!"  
  
"Want me to call your Dad?"  
  
"Shawn did that already but thankyou!" He took hold of my hand, rubbing it gently with his thumb.  
  
"Right well I'm gonna go & get drunk!" I stood up & kissed his cheek, "See you tomorrow!"  
  
"Bec?" He held tight to my hand so I couldn't walk away. Slowly he pulled me towards him & kissd my lips softly.  
  
"Jeff I..."  
  
"Shh..." He kissed me again.  
  
"I have to go. Bye!" I went out of the room as quickly as I could & scanned the corridor nervously before heading for the lobby.  
  
"You ready?" Shawn put his arm around my shoulder.  
  
"They still out there?"  
  
"Yes Ma'am!" Shawn grinned, "Leave it to me they'll be sweet!"  
  
"Heart Break Kid strikes again!" Jay laughed, "Seriously Bec you have to see this guy in action to believe it!"  
  
I laughed nervously then took a deep breath as Shawn pushed the doors & put the 3 of us behind him away from all the flash bulbs & calmmering reporters with mini tape recorders. I panicked when I saw the 50 or so had probably doubled in the couple of hours we'd speant inside! The Rock getting hurt in England was big news! Dwayne would probably push Saddam off the front pages for 24 hours!  
  
There was a hundered voices all shouting at once accompainied by a hundered flash bulbs blinding me in an otherwise black night! I reached behind me for Jay's hand & squeezed it tight! I didn't wanna get mixed up among these guys!  
  
"Shawn can you tell us what happened?"  
  
"Mr Michael's what's the condititon of The Rock?"  
  
Blah blah blah! It all just mingle dinto one huge noise!  
  
"Watch this!" Jay whispered in my ear.  
  
"GUYS! GUYS!" Shawn held his arms out to the sides & the babble of noise went eerily silent! "Now fellas it's been a long night!" He paused dramatically & I bit on my lip to stop myself smirking!"It's been a damn long night & I'm sure you guys can appreciate that you're standing infront of a bunch of very tired & very pissed off people here!" He gestured to himself & then behind at the 3 of us huddled together. Camera flashes continued to go off as he spoke like a preacher to his flock! "Now I'm not a doctor so I can't comment on The Rock's condition but I will say he's awake & cracking jokes & bitching about how ugly the nurses are so...." There was laughted as Shawn took a few steps into the crowd & they parted slightly. We closed in behind him again.  
  
"But Shawn can you tell us what went wrong tonight?" Someone yelled.  
  
"Yeah Shawn why did the ropes break?" Said another voice.  
  
"What do you think was the reason?" Said yet another reporter & the babble of voices started again.  
  
"GUYS PLEASE!" they quietened again. "Now come on you know I'm in no position to make that sort of statement! I was backstage, I didn't see anything. Now gentelmen.." he turned to his side, "And ladies!" He smiled at a female reporter & she actually gushed! Went all gooey eyed as he gave her a wink! I Couldn't believe what I was seeing & had to try hard not to burst out laughing! "If you would excuse us please I'm sure a full statement will be released in due course!" He unlocked the car, damn we'd made it to the car already! "Thankyou!" He opened the passenger door & Jay got in! I stared at jay as he sat in the seat......then slowly looked down at my hand, then up into Adam's face! I'd grabbed the wrong hand! Why hadn't he pulled away? I quickly snatched my hand away as Shawn opened the back door & I climbed in, trying to avoid the flashes that were still going off in my face! Adam slid in beside me & I turned away, I couldn't believe what I'd just done!  
  
"Shawn that was amazing man!" I smiled & shook my head.  
  
"Ah you just gotta be nice, treat people with respact & you get respected back!"  
  
"Told ya you had to see it didn't I?" Jay turned around & grinned at me from under the head rest & I snaked my hand around the opposite way & flicked his ear. "OW!"  
  
"Easy target now all the hair is gone!" I laughed. 


	116. Chapter 116

Lost Confused unkind  
  
Chapter 116  
  
When we got to the hotel there was about 20 fans outside all anxious for news about Rocky & Jeff! Shawn & Adam signed some autographs & tried their best to reassure the fans that both of their heros were going to be ok! I stood at the top of the steps & watched as they graciously posed for photographs, took the kisses & signed autographs. Adam & Shawn were half way up the steps when Jay sauntered up to the gathering of fans & they started to crowd him!  
  
"Guys! Guys! Now we're all very tired..." Jay held up his arms but no one wa paying attention! "We've had a long.....night..." he gritted his teeth as he tried to push his way through but to no avail! Adam, Shawn & I stood in a row on the top step watching the meyhem surrounding Jay on the pavement! Shawn shook his head.  
  
"God loves a trier!" He said & went inside. Adam & Looked at each other & laughed.  
  
"Reckon we should help?"  
  
Adam thought for a moment, "Naaah! Where would you rather have him? Out here or in there drunk & dancing on tables?"  
  
"He told me he doesn't do the table thing anymore!"  
  
"What have I told you about believing a word that idiot says?"  
  
I laughed, "Good call! Come on then let's leave him while he's quiet!"  
  
We went to walk to the door, "GUYS!!! Where are you going?" Jay said, his nervous smile just visable above the crowd of heads & arms waving pieces of paper!  
  
"Remember RESPECT Jay!" Adam pointed a finger at him & started singing 'CHRISTIIIAAAN! CHRISTIIIAAANN!" I joined in, "At last you are on you're ooowwnn!" We laughed and went inside!  
  
"You aren't really gonna leave him out there are you?" I laughed, holding my sides.  
  
"Naaah!" Adam laughed. "Hey GARY! Just the guy!" he waved over a huge guy in a WWE polo shirt. "Jay needs rescuing!"  
  
"Again?" Gary moaned! "Jesus I don't know what they see in him!" He stomped to the doors leaving Adam & I laughing our asses off as we got into the elevator!  
  
****  
  
We didnt have a clue which room everyone had congregated in, we just knew it was 3rd floor so we stepped out of the elevator & hoped for the best! We bumped into Booker as he came out of one of the rooms.  
  
"Book! My man!" Adam hugged him.  
  
"What's up dude?" He smiled & turned to me. "Hey! Bec right?"  
  
"Yeah hi!" we shook hands.  
  
"Listen Shawn just filled us in, great news about Rocky & Jeff!" he smiled.  
  
"Yeah it is!" Adam smiled back. "So is this where the beer is?"  
  
"Sure is! I just gotta make a phone call & I'll be back with ya later!" he patted Adam's arm as we walked into the room. It was a pretty quiet atmosphere, I guessed everyone was still shocked by the events of the night! Sasha came straight over to us & hugged me.  
  
"You ok hun?"  
  
"Yeah yeah I'm fine! I'll be better when I've sank a few of those!" I gestured to the bottle in her hand.  
  
"At your service!" A bottle appeared over my shoulder & one over Adam's.  
  
"Christopher you are a hero!" Adam smiled as he took the bottle from Chris' hand.  
  
"Not a problem Edgemeister!" he grinned.  
  
"Thanks Chris!"  
  
"Anything for a pretty laydee!"  
  
"Is he flirting again!" Betty slapped the top of his head!  
  
"Aww it's innocent babe! I only have eyes for you!" They kissed & Sasha & I both rolled our eyes!  
  
"Isn't he sweet?" Betty grinned.  
  
"Sickening!" Sasha & I said at the same time & laughed.  
  
"Y'know I think I liked it better when you two were fighting!"  
  
I Stuck my tongue out at her.  
  
"Hey you guys were fighting?" Adam put his arms around Sasha.  
  
"Aw it wasn't much of a fight! I kicked her ass!" Sasha winked at me.  
  
"Did she?" Adam raised his eyebrows.  
  
"Ah haaa!" I said & left the two couples together!  
  
"YOU TOTAL BASTARDS!" Jay shouted as he walked in!  
  
"Hahaha how did you handle the girlies Jay?" Shane laughed.  
  
"You needn't laugh your little green ass off at me!" Jay smirked, "I do believe we are in your room!"  
  
"Yep!" Shane stood up & grabbed a crate of beer. "We were waiting for you to come back!" Everyone started to pick up as many bottles as they could carry & push past Jay as they left.  
  
"Wha.....? Guys! Awww crap!" he yelled & hurried after the crowd!  
  
"Poor Jay!" Shawn & I seemed to be the only ones left in Shane's room.  
  
"Yeah!" I laughed, "Well he shouldn't be such an easy target!" I took another gulp of my beer. Shawn sat on the edge of the bed opposite the chair where I was sitting.  
  
"What a day huh?"  
  
"Yeah not exactly the best day I've ever had!" I gulped some more beer.  
  
"Yep!" he took the cap from aother bottle. "So.....you were going to Florida with Dwayne I hear?"  
  
"I AM going to Florida with dwayne! When he gets out of hospital!"  
  
"Oh right!" he nodded slowly, "Just I thought....well you & Jeff make a prety good couple! I just..."  
  
"Me & Jeff?" I laughed, "We're not a couple!"  
  
"Oh....sorry!"  
  
I sighed, "Why does everyone think we're together?"  
  
Shawn smiled, "Like I said you make a good couple! You guys look good together!"  
  
I shook my head, "Well we're not believe me!" I downed the last of my beer & Shawn handed me another, "We're not good for each other me & Jeff!" I could feel my face getting hotter, it had been so long since I had a drink it was going straight to my head.  
  
"So you & Dwayne are...."  
  
"No!" I choked on my beer & wiped my chin! Shawn laughed, "No no no! He's just a friend! He's a great guy & I love him dearly but please don't go there!"  
  
"Well I just tend to say it as I see it, always been a bad habit of mine!"  
  
"It's ok!"  
  
"And from what I've seen tonight you're a quite sort after young lady!" He raised his eyebrows.  
  
"A what?" I laughed. "Yeah right! Whatever!"  
  
"I'm serious!" He gulped some more beer. "I see 3 maybe 4 guys falling at your feet!"  
  
"Don't be ridiculous Shawn!"  
  
He shrugged his shoulders. "3 for definate!"  
  
"Nope! you're wrong!"  
  
"Like I said I say what I see! Take it or leave it!"  
  
I gulped the bottle of beer until it was empty, "How do you figure 3? I mean..." I stood up & got another bottle & he opened it for me. "I see where you get 2 of em....thanks.." I said as I took the bottle & sat back down, "But 3? Is Spanky around or what?" I laughed.  
  
"Hey you guys comming to trash Jay's room or what?" Adam poked his head around the door & shawn bit on his bottom lip & cocked his head to the side, raising his eyebrows before he took another drink from his bottle.  
  
"Yeah, we're comming!" I stood up to follow Adam, "No!" I pointed at Shawn as I passed him & he just shrugged his shoulders.  
  
"Just as I see it!"  
  
"Well you're wrong Shawn......you're DEAD wrong!" I Stormed out of the door. 


	117. Chapter 117

Lost confused Unkind   
  
Chapter 117  
  
I managed to avoid Shawn for most of the night, it was surprisingly easy in such a small room although it felt like he was watching my every move for some unknown reason! I couldn't even think about what he'd said to me earlier, my mind was buzzing with all the other shit that had happened that day! Steve for one thing, I didn't even know if he was alive or dead, not that it mattered much to me, it didn't change my situation one way or the other! Images of Dwayne kept popping into my head, lying limp & lifeless on the mat & then later at the hospital in bed & I wished I'd just stayed with him! Instead I found myself making small talk with a room full of people that assumed they knew me! It didn't seem right that I sat there forcing laughter at stupid jokes, it was like I'd set my body to auto pilot while my mind was elsewhere! I ran a hand through my hair as I sat alone in the corner of the room on my ass on the floor.  
  
"Hey!" Sasha handed me a beer & sat down beside me.  
  
"Thanks!"  
  
"Not much of a party huh?"  
  
"Guess not!" I looked around the room at all the guys just sitting around talking. "I hadn't really been taking all that much notice to be honest!" I sighed & had a drink.  
  
"Hmm I noticed!" she smiled, "Don't worry too much, I mean you said yourself they are both gonna be ok right?"  
  
"Yeah I know but it..." I stopped myself from telling her about Steve even though I wanted to so badly! "Yeah you're right! I worry too much!" I forced a smile.  
  
"Well it's 2am & I am trashed! I'm goin to bed while my legs can still carry me there!" She stood up. "Where are you staying tonight?"  
  
"I was meant to be staying at Mum's with Dwayne but......I guess I'll crash on Shane's floor or get Jeff's room if it's still available!"  
  
"Ok hun! Well I'll see you in the morning before we leave!" She bent down & kissed my cheek. "God it looks like party boy there got his second wind!" She laughed & I looked up to see Adam who had decided there had been enough talk, cranked up the music and was attempting to play air guitar on Jay's bed with a bedside lamp! Sasha waved at him & walked out of the room & Adam jumped off the bed, crashed into a wall & tried to chase after her!  
  
"Man is he ever wasted!"  
  
"Says you!" I laughed, "And what happens if someone shines the fucking 'Hurra-signal' tonight & 'superman' is too pissed to walk let alone fly straight?"  
  
"Superman!?" Shane looked shocked, "I am truely offended by that remark!"  
  
He sat down beside me on the floor.  
  
"Seriously dude can you get arrested for drunk-flying?"  
  
"I'll have you know the evil's of alchohol might overcome reporter Gregory Helms on the odd occasion, but they can not surpress the powers of the Hurricane!" He belched in my face & I wafted it away with my hand.  
  
"Jesus so I see!" I pulled a face, "And they put me in the freaking mental ward!"  
  
Shane put his arm around my shoulders, "What ARE you trying to say?"  
  
"That you're an idiot!" I laughed & he tweaked my nose! Shawn strolled past & stuck 4 fingers in the air so I stuck one finger back at him & he just grinned!  
  
"What was that all about?"  
  
"Oh just Shawn being a prick!"  
  
Shane laughed, "Shawn IS a prick!"  
  
Shawn turned around and gave him the finger & we both laughed.  
  
"Love the way you got us out of your room by the way! Smooth move dude!" We clicked our bottles together & Jay turned around & smailed sarcastiacally!  
  
"Well Jay shouldn't be such a fucking sap should he?" Shane laughed.  
  
"Helms watch your mouth or you'll be spewin out more green shit than Tajiri on crack!"  
  
"WheeeheeeeeY!" Shane laughed & we gave him a round of applause then held our bottles in the air!  
  
"Chill out Jay your room is fine!"I laughed as he sat at the other side of me on the floor.  
  
"A few beers my ass!" He sighed, "A couple of the guys huh?" I smiled sweetly at him & he shook his head & laughed.  
  
"Awww if Chris pisses in your luggage I swear I will personally wash dry & iron the lot!"  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Sure!"  
  
"Shane dude! Quick! Go piss in my suitcase man!"  
  
"Don't you dare!" I pointed at Shane & then slapped Jay's leg! "I'm goin for another beer!" I struggled to get to my feet so when I saw an outstretched hand I took it to help me get up. I looked up & Shawn was grinning at me!  
  
"That's 5!" He said through gritted teeth!  
  
"Bite me!" I said through my smile & went to go past him.  
  
"That can be arranged!" He said, trying not to move his lips!  
  
"Hmmm that's six then!" I said still smiling. He laughed & put his hands on his hips, shaking his head as I made my way to the beer stash!  
  
"Are you having a good time you little flirt!?"  
  
"Shut up Betty!" I laughed, "They are just my friends!"  
  
"Wahtever you reckon!" She winked. "I mean how fine is Shawn's ass!?"  
  
"Look we don't all have our minds permenantly in the gutter like you!"  
  
"Im wounded!"  
  
"You know it's true!" I laughed "Ciggy?"  
  
"Yeah I'm gasping!" She linked my arm & we went out onto the balcony. "So....' She lit her cigatrette, "what's been goin on with you lately?"  
  
"Well..." I took a drag on my cigarette & leaned my elbows back ontop the rail, "Where to start?!" I gulped some more beer, "Ok well first of all I get a poxy job in a WWE office full of bags!"  
  
"Great stuff!" Betty said sarcastically.  
  
"Oh wait! Then I made a drunken pass at Dwayne & he knocked me back!"  
  
Betty choked on her beer & I patted her on the back, "OH MY GOD!" she said between coughs.  
  
"Then.....it gets better!" I had another drink, "Then I got sent to the mental ward!"  
  
"Just what you deserve for making a pass at Dwayne!" she muttered & we laughed.  
  
"So I guess you could say my life has been pretty dull without you around!"  
  
She laughed, "Well here I am to add a little excitement into your life!  
  
"Oh thanks! I mean I've been so bored!" I rolled my eyes, "Seriously it's great that you're here I missed you heaps!"  
  
"I should bloody well think so!" She smirked & then she started laughing, "Remember the night Dwayne got wasted?"  
  
I nodded and swallowd my beer, "Vividly!"  
  
"man it was so funny!"  
  
"Yeah we never did find out where that fucking bottle of vodka came from!"  
  
"Ew don't! We drank that shit! Someone could've pissed in it or anything!"  
  
"I think Dwayne did! His piss had more alchohol in it than the vodka, no the wonder we were all fucked!" We both laughed.  
  
"Ahh come back to cameron Bec!"  
  
"Where did that come from?" I laughed.  
  
"Well we used to have such a good time.I miss it!"  
  
"Betty you're never even in cameron anymore!"  
  
"Hmm... I think we should all move there! Sasha could get a house with Adam, me & Chris, you and um.....whoever! And Dwayne can sleep in his car in my driveway!"  
  
"Well good luck getting the Canadian to move to Cameron!"  
  
There was a sudden cheer from inside the room & we both threw down the ends of our cigarettes & raced in to see what was goin on! Chris & Jay had decided to raid Shane's suitcase & they were both standing on the bed wearing Hurricane masks & bedsheets tied around their necks!  
  
"Oh...........MY......GOD!" Betty put her head in her hands & I burst out laughing! Even Shane was cracking up!  
  
"STAND BACK!" Jay shouted then farted!  
  
"Aw man that's harsh!" I laughed & some of the guys threw cusions at the two idiots on the bed!  
  
"Ok ok lets see if you can do any better!" Jay & Chris jumped down off the bed.  
  
"Ok who's this?!" Rob ran into the bathroom & came out a minute later with no top on, his trousers rolled up to his knees & a white hotel towel wrapped around his waist!" Helloooo ladies!" He said as he girated!  
  
We all laughed & Morely threw a pillow at him!  
  
"Shane do your Jericho!" I laughed.  
  
"He does me? I think not!" Chris smirked.  
  
"Shane jumped onto the bed & Shawn jumped up beside him, "So Chris what do you think of your match tonight against Test? Did it suck?" He held a beer bottle to Shane's mouth for a mic!  
  
"It sucked!" Andrew yelled from the other side of the room & Chris gave him a dirty look!  
  
"Well yes Mitchel Cole it sucked! But only because I am the king of the assclowns!"   
  
We were all rolling around laughing.  
  
"That was nothing like me!" Chris whined.  
  
"Shut up!" We all shouted!  
  
"Ok check this one out!" Chris jumped on the bed & did a brilliant 'Rock' promo which had us all in stitches! We were also treated to Sean Morely's impression of Kane, or 'The Big Red Cocksucker!" as he put it! Luckily for him Glen had passed out in the bath hours earlier!  
  
I made my way back to the balcony during bubba's impression or william Regal, grabbing a beer before I went outside! 


	118. Chapter 118

Lost Confused unkind  
  
Chapter 118  
  
"Beer?" I jumped and turned around quickly, "My my we are a little jumpy tonight!"  
  
"Just don't sneak up on me like that Shawn! I was miles away!"  
  
There was another cheer from inside & we both glanced at the door. "Idiots!" Shawn laughed & sat down beside me on the bench. "I ah thought you might like another beer but I guess I was wrong!" he said as he gestured to the beer in my hand.  
  
"I'm sure I can put it to some use!" I took the bottle from his hand & placed it on the small table infront of us.  
  
"So...." he took a drink from his bottle, "Quite a night huh?"  
  
"You said that already!"  
  
"I did?"  
  
"Are you following me?"  
  
"Maybe?"  
  
"For what reason?" I turned to face him & he looked me straight in the eye.  
  
"Because I thought you could use a friend!"  
  
"Oh didn't you know I have dozens already!" I waved my arm at the door.  
  
Shawn licked his lips, "You're not an easy person to get along with you know that?"  
  
I shurgged my shoulders & took another drink, "I'm just very selective about who I call a friend!"  
  
"Yeah now why is that?" I looked at him, his eyes still on mine something I knew he always did from previous encounters with him! It had un nerved me the first couple of times we'd met & I used to look anywhere to avoid meeting his piercing gaze, but tonight I stood my ground!  
  
"Don't let it concern you!" I took a cigarette from the pack & went to light it but Shawn's hand was on the lighter before mine. We stared at each other until the flickering flame distraced me from his eyes & I leaned in & lit my cigarette. "Thanks." I said as he put the lighter back onto the table. We sat listening to the commotion comming from inside & the sounds of the busy London traffic, even at 3 in the morning! "So was there a particular reason for you thinking I needed a friend tonight or are you just doing your community samaritan service?"  
  
He shrugged, "You've had a rough night what with Jeff getting hurt!"  
  
"AND Dwayne!" I reminded him.  
  
He nodded slowly, "See now that's something that I just do not get at all!"  
  
"Oh? And wwhat would that be?"  
  
"You & Dwayne!"  
  
I let out a laugh, "What's to get?"  
  
"Well there you have Jeff who's a nice guy, your age, good looker, would do absolutely anything for you........"  
  
"Was almost my brother in law!" I smiled sarcastically at Shawn & he stopped mid sentance & nodded slowly.  
  
"Yeah there's that too I guess!" We sat in silence for a while until I finished my cigarette & threw the end on the floor.  
  
"Dwayne & I are friends, good friends! That's it! No more to understand, no more to 'get'."  
  
"It's that simple?"  
  
"Yup!" I finished my beer & got the other bottle from the table.  
  
"And you & Jeff are...?"  
  
"Not simple!" I finally let my guard down & laughed.  
  
"Yet I get the distinct impression that he loves you..that he's IN love with you..." I didn't say anything I just carried on drinking. "So the feeling's not mutual I take it?"  
  
"Look why the sudden interest in me & Jeff? The feeling isn't.....well I don't know what it is but I do know we are not good together! We seem to emotionally drain the life out of each other!"  
  
"So you're not in love with him then?"  
  
"It isn't that straight forward Shawn!"  
  
"So what if I was to.....oh I dunno....hypothetically speaking here, tell you that.....he was seeing someone?" I stopped with my bottle half way to my mouth, "Then how would you feel?"  
  
I gulped quickly & put the bottle to my mouth hoping that he hadn't seen my reaction but I knew it was too late! He was a reader of people Shawn, nothing much got past him! I shrugged my shoulders, "Is that what you're trying to tell me?"  
  
"Hypothetically." He nodded & pursed his lips.  
  
"Well what Jeff does with his life is up to him! Nothing to do with me if he is or he isn't."  
  
"But you felt something!" He sat back in the seat & had another drink! MY heart was pounding & my mind racing with possible candidates.  
  
"Is it Trish?" Shawn just shrugged slightly.  
  
"Hypothetically I suppose it could be anyone! What are you feeling right now?" He sat forward.  
  
"Nothing!" I lied.  
  
"Like maybe that's it? You've missed your chance? The game's over?" I looked away. "Because that's what is written all over your face!"  
  
"Why does it bother you how I'm feeling?"  
  
"Just looking out for a friend that's all!"  
  
There was another couple of minutes of awkward silence, "So, is he seeing someone?" I tried to sound like it was a matter of fact question, that it didn't bother me, like I didn't care!  
  
Shawn bit his bottom lip & looked at me, "What difference would it make if he was?" I opened my mouth to say something then thought better of it. "Are you seeing someone?"  
  
"No."  
  
"But you'd be with Edge if he wasn't with your friend!"  
  
"What? NO! Actually I've been there & done that!" I snapped.  
  
"Ah right! History huh?" I gave him a cold stare then turned my face away.  
  
"None of your damn business!" I stood up, "Y'know I could go out & just screw anyone, it's no one's business but my own!" I started to raise my voice.  
  
"Jeff would kill me if I let you do that!" he smiled & winked at me.  
  
"Oh right! OK! Now I get it! Please watch Bec for me Shawn & pump her for information see if I'm in with a shot! well way to go heartbreak kid!"  
  
"It's not like that at all! Sit down!" I looked at him for a few seconds before I sat beside him on the bench. "He wanted me to watch you yes, because he wanted me to make sure you were safe that's all!" Shawn smiled, "You just have no idea do you?"  
  
I looked at him confused, "About what?"  
  
"Jesus!" Shawn ran a hand through his hair, 'Nothin! Look he cares about you girl! like A LOT ok? He wanted me to see that you were ok that's all! The rest was down to me!"  
  
"So who is he seeing then?"  
  
Shawn smiled, "No one that I know of!" The look of relief on my face said it all! He'd been right I did think I'd lost my chance! "But didn't it make you realise something?"  
  
"Yeah it made me realise you're a smart ass!"  
  
"It's been said before!" He smiled, "Just remember how you felt ok? He's a good guy ya know? But he's not gonna wait forever!" He patted me leg & stood up & went back inside leaving me sitting there thinking 'what the fuck was that all about?!" 


	119. Chapter 119

Lost Confused Unkind  
  
chapter 119  
  
At first I felt stunned then I felt angry that he'd been smart enough to make me feel that way! It hit me like someone had just dropped a house on my head! I was in love with Jeff but Jesus how dangerous would that be for him? The music from inside suddenly flooded my ears, it was Creed's 'With Arms Wide Open' & I bit on my lip as a tear rolled down my cheek.  
  
"You ok?" A hand touched my shoulder & I Looked up.  
  
"I thought you'd gone to bed?" I quickly wiped my face.  
  
"Ah Sasha passed out!" Adam smiled & sat down beside me. "Seems like I missed the best of the party though judging from the music!"  
  
"Yeah!" I said & Looked out into the black night.  
  
"Mind if I ah..." He gestured to the bottle in my hand.  
  
"Knock yourself out!"  
  
"Thanks!" he took a gulp from the bottle & handed it back to me so I finished it off. Man I felt wasted! My head was spinning & it was all I could do to get a word out of my mouth! We sat in silence for a while, I simply forgot he was there & just crept into my thoughts away from the world.  
  
"Shawn is a bastard!" I suddenly blurted out.  
  
"What?" Adam laughed.  
  
"I said....." I hiccupped, "Shawn is a bastard!" I lay my head back on the bench but the sky went around in circles so I sat up again.  
  
"Why is Shawn a bastard?" Adam said, clearly as drunk as I was!  
  
"Because..." I thought about it, "...because.......ah fuck it I can't remember but I know he is!"  
  
Adam laughed, "Ya know who else is a bastard?"  
  
"Who? God?"  
  
"No! He just thinks he's God!"  
  
"Who then?"  
  
"Jay!"  
  
We both laughed, "Yeah Jay is a bastard!" I agreed , "But..." I hiccupped again & put a hand to my mouth, 'Jay is a nice bastard!"  
  
"Yeah he's a pretty decent sort of a bastard!"  
  
"What the fuck are we talking about?"" I scratched my head.  
  
"You were saying how much you would like to dance with me out here on this balcony!" Adam smiled stupidly.  
  
"I was?"  
  
He stood up & pulled me into his arms as we drunkenly swayed slowly while the most depressing song I'd ever heard played from inside, Sozzi 'Letting Go' from the 'Dawson's Creek' soundtrack.  
  
"Now it hurts too much  
  
And it hits too hard"  
  
I looked up at Adam & he smiled. "Why do I suddenly not feel as drunk as I did 2 minutes ago?" I asked him. he just smiled & shrugged his shoulders.  
  
"Don't call me  
  
Don't write  
  
Don't show up  
  
In the middle of the night."  
  
"I don't feel very drunk!" he smiled as we looked at each other. "I hate this Bec!" He whispered.  
  
"Adam don't!" I said quietly.  
  
"To say that  
  
you've been thinkin'  
  
Cause I know it''s just the drink in you"  
  
"I can't help it Bec I'm so fucking confused! It's driving me crazy!" He touched my face.  
  
"You're just drunk!"  
  
"Maybe! But what happens when I wake up sober & I still feel like this?"  
  
"It's wrong!"  
  
"I KNOW! Jesus!" He pulled me close to him & kissed the top of my head, "I love Sasha I know I do!"  
  
"I love Jeff!"  
  
"You do?" I nodded slowly.  
  
"Yeah I do! Fucked up or what?"  
  
"What's fucked up is that I want to kiss you right now!"  
  
I froze & closed my eyes, my head started spinning again. I wanted him to kiss me aswell only I didn't know if it was me or the drink that wanted him so badly! "You can't kiss me."  
  
"Who would know?"  
  
I looked around at the door, no one was in sight. My heart raced as I felt him gently guide me backwards to the wall away from the door, his hands in my hair, his face close to mine. "Don't do this!" I whispered.  
  
"Tell me to stop!" He said quietly as his lips brushed mine & I caught my breath. I opened my mouth to tell him to stop but nothing would come out! I couldn't tell him to stop, I couldn't breathe! Finally our lips met & it felt like an explosion going off in my head as our tongues entwined and I felt his body against mine.  
  
"I believe the lady was trying to say stop!"  
  
We both jumped and looked up to see Shawn standing staring at us. Adam quickly stepped back, biting on his lip. "Shawn!" He put his hands on his hips & looked up at the sky. "Look....man......it wasn't..." Shawn pointed his thumb over his shoulder at the door behind him. I squeezed my eyes tight shut, I wanted to die right there & then! Adam hung his head, I just couldn't look up! I felt so ashamed. Betty & Chris were standing in the doorway both with total looks of shock & disgust written all over their faces. "CHRIS! BETTY! I ah...I......" Adam thought about trying to explain what they'd seen but how the hell could he? It was plain ehnough for anyone with eyes in their head!  
  
"Adam! DUDE?! What the fuck?" Chris held out his hands in disbelief! Still I couldn't bare to turn around & see the look of sheer dissapointment on thier faces!  
  
"I ah...I have to go!" Adam went to barge past Shawn but he grabbed hold of his arm roughly.  
  
"Don't you ever......you got me?" Shawn looked sternly at him & he nodded slwoly, hung his head & squeezed between Betty & Chris as he went back inside. Chris followed him & I finally got the courage to turn around but I couldn't even look at Betty! I was a piece of trash for doing that to a friend & I knew it! I couldn't even speak to her I felt so low!  
  
"What are you........I mean what the FUCK?" Betty shouted & I just looked at my feet, 'I CAN NOT BELIEVE THIS SHIT BEC!" She looked totally exasperated, he hands on her head. Then she stormed back inside.  
  
I Still didn't look up, my shoulders started shaking as my tears fell & I flet Shawn's arms around me.  
  
"You silly, silly girl!" He said as he held me & stroked my hair. 


	120. Chapter 120

Lost Confused Unkind  
  
Chapter 120  
  
When I'd calmed down enough Shawn led me back inside. The room was quiet & the last few remaining people just looked away when we walked in. Shane came straight to us & put a hand on my shoulder.  
  
"Bec? Is everything ok?" I tried hard to stop my tears but one rolled down my cheek as I forced a smile at him.  
  
"Yeah fine!" I wiped my face quickly & Shane looked at Shawn for answers.  
  
"You know which room was Jeff's?" Shawn asked.  
  
"Erm no but I can find out! What's goin' on?"  
  
"Nothin! Bec just got a little upset that's all! Nothing to worry about!" Shawn smiled at him but I could see it didn't reassure him at all.  
  
"Bec?"  
  
"Yeah um I'll be ok Shane!"  
  
"Doesn't matter about the room!" Shawn said as he led me out of the door & closed it behind us.  
  
"Where are we going?" I sniffed.  
  
"My room."  
  
"Great! Give them something else to talk about!"  
  
"Screw them! Come on!"  
  
We rounded the corner, Shawn still with his arm around my shoulder & we almost fell over Adam sitting on the floor outside of his door. He scrambled to his feet.  
  
"BEC!"  
  
"I told you once already!" Shawn pointed a finger at him.  
  
"I just wanna talk to Bec!" He yelled. "BEC!"  
  
"I'm sorry Adam!" I whispered & Looked away.  
  
Shawn carried on leading me along the corridor.  
  
"Leave it Adam!" Shawn shouted without turning around. He opened the door & quickly pushed me inside.  
  
"Go on then! Tell me how stupid I've been!" I laughed sarcastically, "Tell me what a slut I am!"  
  
"If that's what you think then I'm really not gonna argue with you! Have a seat!" Shawn threw his room key onto the dresser & went to the mini bar, 'Drink?" I sat down & ignored him. "Vodka? Brandy?" I still didn't answer him, "Well you look like a vodka girl to me!" He pulled a couple of little bottles from the fridge & got 2 galsses. "So, wanna talk?"  
  
"No." I said as I took the glass from him & he sat opposite me.  
  
"Ok well, here's the thing!" He kicked his shoes off & took a sip from his glass, "Aside from what just happened tonight, which might I add, I believe was the drink! I know a lot more about you than you think I do!"  
  
"Yeah right!" I laughed harshly and took a drink.  
  
"You'd be surprised!" He raised his eyebrows.  
  
"I doubt very much that you know shit about me Shawn!"  
  
"Hmm ok well.....I know about steve!" I stopped with the glass halfway to my mouth, "I saw your reaction tonight so I went & paid the little truck driver a visit once they'd brought him back from the dead of course!" I swallowed hard & stared at him in amazement! "Seems our mutual friend was about to make a full statement to the police just after we left about how he tampered with the ropes!"  
  
"Shawn you don't know what you're dealing with! Don't get involved!"  
  
"Well you're right I didn't know what I was dealing with at the time I mean this guy kept going on & on about some Mick and how he was after you...."  
  
"Jesus!" I bit on my lip, "Shawn I am begging you to stay out of this please!"  
  
"So....I asked Jeff a few questions!"  
  
"Oh for fucks sake!"  
  
"He told me about Steve & Mick. He also told me about Matt's accident!"  
  
"Great!" I looked up at the celing "Another witness for having me commited!"  
  
"Woah! Slow down a minute! Let me finish here!" He ran a hand through his hair, "See when I was a kid there was this old guy, evil old piece of shit he was, lived on the corner of our street..."  
  
"Is this leading somewhere or are you just stalling until the guys in the white coats get here?" I stood up & paced the floor.  
  
"Anyway we tortured him! All the kids did, because he put poison down in his yard......for rats he said only this killed a couple of dogs & about a half dozen cats..."  
  
"Oh Jesus beam me up!"  
  
"Well when you're a kid you listen to things, half a conversation here, something your best friend's older sister says there & to us it became a big deal! He was the boogie man!" He took aother drink, "Old man Flynn, the boogie man!" He smiled.  
  
"I hope they do lock me up!" I muttered & leaned my forehead against the window.  
  
"Well to cut a long story short..."  
  
"Oh you can do that?" I said sarcastically but he ignored me.  
  
"We tortured the old bastard! Threw stones at his windows, put fire crackers in his letterbox, typical kids stuff! Anyway this one night I stayed at my friend's house a little too late, it was getting dark & I had to walk a block & a half on my own!"  
  
"My heart bleeds!"  
  
"Billy Casey his name was!" Shawn smiled as he remembered.  
  
"Who's name? The old guy's?"  
  
"No!" he waved his hand dissmissively, "My friend, where I was playing." I rubbed my face & grabbed my drink. "SO anyway I had to walk past this shit head's house and it was dark, I mean I was 10 years old and about to shit my pants!" He laughed, "And just as I get past his gate he came out! Starts shouting a load of crap at me, I dunno what he was saying cause I just ran like fuck! He seemed to be right behind me though, I could smell the son of a bitch, he stank!"  
  
"Is there a moral to this story or are you just gonna tell me about your first hard on!"  
  
Shawn raised an eyebrow at me then continued his story. "So I ran in the house & slammed the door as quickly as I could! Thee was snot all over my face, I was cryin like a baby and my mom came rushing through shaking me & screaming for my dad! Well I eventually got it out that Old Man Flynn had just about took my ass off chasin me up the street & her face went pale & I got a whoopin from my daddy!"  
  
"Why?" My attention had definately picked up by this point & I turned to look at him.  
  
"For ah....for speakin ill of the dead?"  
  
I stared at him, "What?"  
  
"Seems Old Man Flynn popped his clogs that morning only I never knew!"  
  
"Holy shit!"   
  
"I swore down that I saw him that night, no one believed me but I know it was real! I know he was there!"  
  
"What are you trying to say?"  
  
"I'm trying to say tell me about Mick! I won't think you're crazy!" 


	121. Chapter 121

Lost Confused Unkind  
  
Chapter 121  
  
I speant what was left of the night in Shawn's room telling him the whole story from start to finish! By the time I got to the story about the ropes being tampered with it was 7am. Shawn had hardly said a word at all, he sat on the edge of the bed with his chin in his hands nodding occasionally.  
  
"So the rest you know, there's nothing more to tell.....yet! But I do know one thing Shawn he won't leave me alone & he won't let me be with Jeff!" I sighed, "So now do you think I'm crazy?"  
  
Shawn shook his head & looked me dead in the eye. "No, I don't think yoyu're crazy at all...." he stood up & looked at his watch, "...and neither will Dwayne when we tell him!" he stretched his arms up in the air & yawned.  
  
"Oh no! No way!"  
  
"Yes way!" He knelt down infront of me, "this is getting too dangerous not to tell him! And Jeff too for that matter!"  
  
"Shawn!" I whined & put a hand to my forehead.  
  
"Look honey from what I can see these 2 guys think the world of you! Don't worry about it!" He smiled & touched my cheek "I'll explain it to them, it'll be sweet ok? Trust me!" I just stared at him & he sighed, "Ok you said yourself Jeff was there for some of this shit right? I mean the hair dye for starters?"  
  
"Yeah but that was when we though the son of a bitch was still alive!"  
  
"Ok ok!" he said softly, "Get some sleep & when you wake up it won't seem so bad!"  
  
"What time are you leaving for the airoport?"  
  
"I'm not!" He stood up & took off his watch & threw it on the bedside table, "I suddenly got this terrible stomach bug, might be food poisoning and there's just no way I'll be able to make that flight!" He sat down on the edge of the bed & took off his boots.  
  
"Vnce will have a cow!"  
  
"No he won't!"  
  
"Yeah he will! I mean Jeff & Dwayne are already out of..."  
  
"Would you let me worry about that?" he stood up & took off his belt & I suddenly felt very uncomfortable. "I told you it'll be sweet! Now here's the bed, help yourself! I'm gonna take a shower then call Shane O! I might even get some shut eye myself for a couple of hours!"  
  
I stood up, "It's ok I'll find Jeff's room & crash, you can have your bed!"  
  
"No, you're not going anywhere! You really wanna venture out there after what happened...' He pulled his shirt over his head & I looked away, ".....last night?"  
  
I closed my eyes & took a deep breath! I'd completely forgotten about Adam & a whole new wave of guilt washed over me making me feel sick to my stomach! "Shit!" I muttered under my breath.  
  
"Shit indeed! Get some sleep! I'll try not to wake you!"  
  
"Shawn can I ask you a question?"  
  
"Sure!" He said as he got to the bathroom door & turned around.  
  
"why are you doing this? I mean before yesterday I hardly even knew you and now...." I paused, "...I just don't get it!"  
  
He smiled, "Let's just say someone once did a good thing for me a long time ago!" He smiled as he remembered something that was lost to me, "I guess it's payback time!" With that he went in to the bathroom.  
  
I sat on the edge of the bed, I had no idea what he was talking about but I was so glad I finally had someone to talk to about all of the stuff that was going on! Someone that actually understood what was happening to me! I was actually starting to believe that maybe I wasn't crazy after all & I can't describe the feeling that gave me! I kicked off my shoes & lay my head onto the pillow, my eyes were just starting to close when I heard a cell phone playing something that resembled an old Guns N Roses song! I rolled onto my back & listened! Yes it was definately Sweet Child O'Mine! I Shook my head & smiled as I got off the bed, "Maybe that's 1980 calling shawn!" I muttered as I looked around for the phone. I wandered around the room & realised it was comming from a heap of clothes on the floor. I picked up a jacket then looked over at the bathroom door, the water was still running, Shawn obviously hadn't heard it! I put my hand into the pocket & pulled it out. I looked at the screen & it said 'MATT' I wrinkled my brow....maybe I shouldn't answer it! How would he explain it to anyone if a woman answered his phone? I went to the bathroom door and knocked.   
  
"SHAWN! YOUR CELL IS RINGING!"  
  
"CAN YOU GET IT FOR ME PLEASE?" he yelled back.  
  
"OK!" I pressed the button & slowly put the phone to my ear. damn I hated those things! "H...hello?" I said nervously.  
  
"Hey babe!"  
  
I took the phone away from my ear & looked at it! "Erm...I think you have the wrong number!"  
  
"I don't think so!" My jaw hit the floor when I regonised the voice! I couldn't speak & tears welled up in my eyes! "Hear you've been having a rough time of it lately?" The bathroom door opened and shawn came out wearing a cheep white hotel robe! "Just thought I'd check in on my favourite girl!"  
  
"M......m......Matt?" my voice was barely abve a whisper.  
  
"OF COURSE IT'S NOT MATT YOU STUPID BITCH!" I dropped the phone & put my hands to my mouth.  
  
"Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Oh fuck!" I whispered, tears streaming down my cheeks & I was shaking from head to toe.  
  
"There's no one......let me just check!" Shawn fiddled with the phone & then sighed. "The last person to call this phone was Shane O yesterday! Was it him? Was it Mick?"  
  
"It was.......it was.......it...he....he.................." My heart was racing & I could barely get a breath! "It.....he........"  
  
"Shh come on! Calm down!" He put his arms around me & I sobbed. 


	122. Chapter 122

Lost Confused Unkind  
  
Chapter 122  
  
"What did he say?" Shawn led me to the bed. I couldn't answer him I was so shaken up! It was just the worst thing Mick could do to me & he knew it! Shawn took my hand in both of his & rubbed it gently."Hey come on! You're shaking! Jesus what did he say?" He put his arm around my shoulders.  
  
"He's trying to drive me crazy!" I whispered & ran a hand through my hair "I'm going crazy! I swear I can't take much more of this! I can't do it!" I started crying again & Shawn pulled me close.  
  
"Shh....take a deep breath & tell me what happened."  
  
I took a deep breath, "The phone started ringing and it was that cheesy Guns N'Roses ringtone and.."  
  
"I don't have a Guns N' Roses ringtone!" Shawn looked at me & I knew he wasn't joking!  
  
"But it was Guns N'....it was Sweet chi.....oh God!" I stood up & grabbed my hair, "It was one of Mick's songs! He used to sing it all the t....." I looked up at the celing.  
  
"Ok calm down!"  
  
"CALM DOWN? CALM DOWN! HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO CALM DOWN?! I MEAN HOW IS THIS EVEN HAPPENING? I MEAN HOW THE FUCK.........I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!" I threw open the patio doors & stepped out onto the balcony, "WELL COME ON YOU SON OF A BITCH! IM HERE! PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY YOU BASTARD!" I screamed at the sky, "COME ON! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? NOT EASY ENOUGH?"  
  
"Bec come back inside!"  
  
"HERE! I'LL MAKE IT EASIER MOTHER FUCKER!" I climbed up onto the rail, tears streaming down my face & I slowly stood up, balancing on the rail in my bare feet! "COME ON YOU CHICKEN SHIT WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? HUH?! IM HERE! DO IT! DO IT!!"  
  
"BEC!!!!!! JESUS!" Shawn grabbed my legs & I slipped and fell into his arms sobbing. He carried me back inside.  
  
"Leave me alone!" I thumped at his chest! "Just leave me......" he held me tight.  
  
"Ok it's alright! It's ok now!"  
  
"It's never going to be ok Shawn don't you see?" I sobbed, "He won't leave me alone!"  
  
"He will! Shhh..." he stroked my hair.  
  
"He won't leave me! He'll hurt everyone that I ca....." I looked up at him, "I have to go!" I raced for the door but he caught my arm, "Let me go please Shawn!" I pulled as hard as I could.  
  
"Calm down!"  
  
"I have to get out of here!" I sobbed, "He'll hurt you! Let me ..............go!" I yanked my arm free from his grip & turned only to run straight into Jeff! He grabbed me & I fought him at first not really sure it was him, not really thinking straight at all! He held onto me until I stopped fighting & realised who it was. He looked at Shawn as I sobbed into his chest & Shawn just nodded slowly. Jeff squeezed his eyes shut & kissed my forehead as he held me to him as tight as he could.  
  
"It's gonna be ok. I'm here now it's alright!" he said quietly.  
  
*******  
  
I don't remember much about the next couple of hours, my mind just seemed to shut down! I remember taking pills from a guy in an awful brown suit and I remember Jeff & Shawn talking in hushed voices! My last thought before my eyes closed was 'That's it! I'm gone! I'm crazy!'  
  
*******  
  
When I finally opened my eyes everything was blurry & I put a hand to my head.  
  
"Hey! How are you feeling?"  
  
"Jeff?" I tried to sit up & he helped me, putting a pillow behind my back. "Am I at the hospital?"  
  
"No babe! You're still at the hotel!" He bushed some hair from my forehead & as I blinked he finally came into focus but I still felt groggy! I knew what the feeling was straight away!  
  
"Pills?" I groaned, "They gave me pills again!" I closed my eyes & smiled, "And you let them! You called them didn't you?"  
  
"You were freaking out I didn't know what to do!"  
  
I laughed quietly "You think like the doctors? That I'm crazy?"  
  
"No! I just needed you to calm down!" he squeezed my hand, "You scared the shit out of me and then when Shawn tells me you almost threw yourself off the god damn balcony....' he sighed & hung his head, "...Jesus Bec don't ever do that to me!"  
  
I closed my eyes, "What else has Shawn been telling you?"  
  
"About the phonecall this morning........it was Matt wasn't it?"  
  
My eyes shot open, "How did you.....I never told Shawn that it was...."  
  
"Because I had one last weekend." he ran a hand through his hair, "That's how Shawn & I pretty much figured out what was goin on yesterday and that's why I got out of hospital as soon as I could this morning."  
  
"That's why Shawn was watching me last night?" I whispered & he nodded. "why didn't you tell me?"  
  
"Why?" Jeff raised his eyebrows, "It's not every day a guy gets a call from someone that sounds like his dead brother...." he sighed, "I didn't tell anyone, well not until Shawn & I had our conversation about Steve yesterday then it all kinda came flooding out!"  
  
"So Shawn already knew everything?" Jeff nodded, "Jesus what are we supposed to do? I mean 3 of us!" I lay my head back onto the pillow, "They will have us all commited, all 3 of us!"  
  
"Make that 4!" I looked up quickly to see Shawn closing the door as Shane walked into the room.  
  
"Shane!" Jeff stood up & looked at Shawn.  
  
"Strength in numbers so they say?" Shane forced a smile & stood looking at us with his hands in his pockets.  
  
"Dwayne took a little bit more convincing than this shit head mind you!" Shawn patted Shane on the shoulder.  
  
"You've seen Dwayne?" I got up off the bed.  
  
"Yeah he'll be out as soon as I get there to pick him up!"  
  
"Today?" Shawn nodded. "Woah woah! Wait a minute!" I put a hand to my forehead, "How long was I asleep & where is everyone else?"  
  
"3 hours or so! Everyone else is gone!" Jeff said as he stood up.  
  
"So why the hell are you still here?" I looked at Shane.  
  
"Well seems I eat in the same restaurants as Shawn here!" He patted his stomach. Shawn smiled & picked up his keys.  
  
"I won't be long!"  
  
"I'm comming with you!"  
  
"NO YOU ARE NOT!" The three of them all snapped at me. I looked around at them & realised it was hopeless to argue!  
  
"I need a cigarette!" I grabbed my purse & went out onto the balcony. 


End file.
